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Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Steven Seagal DVD Legacy Box Set (8 Discs) - 8 Mini Reviews (Text)(sort of NSFW)

On Wednesday 14th January 2009 at 11.41pm, I posted the following note on Facebook:

TOO AWESOME TO EXIST

Just watched the Steven Seagal film "The Glimmer Man", and had to make a note about it due to the sheer overwhelming awesomeness of one scene in particular, which went something like this:

(Seagal is on a lie detector machine)
Woman: Now, I'm going to ask a couple of questions to get a base reading, and i want you to answer "yes" to both of them. Are you detective Jack Cole?
Seagal: Yes
Woman: Have you ever climbed Mount Everest?
Seagal: Yes.
(Woman sees on machine that he is not lying, and looks up, shocked - thinking he was trying to fool the machine... But the audience knows better!)
All I have to say in response to this is: Can you believe Seagal didn't write this movie himself?

Combine this scene with Seagal stopping in the middle of a brutal fight and shouting "BORING!" because the bad guy isn't hitting him enough, Seagal's killing of 3 Russian mobsters with a credit card, and the scene where Seagal rolls out of an upside down car sliding along on it's roof, then does a flip up onto a ledge just as the upside-down car hits an oil tanker in the background and explodes, and you've got a movie fitting the description I gave in the title of this note. Not even Dolph Lundgren has released a film which can match that (yet - although i have yet to see "Command Performance"). Oh, and it has Brian Cox in as well. So, in short. Watch this movie - Seagal is god. Thank you, and goodnight.


Having now watched all 8 films contained in the STEVEN SEAGAL MOVIE BOXSET, I decided that it was about time to review all of these (in a similar style), to let everyone know whether or not the films are worth getting. Hope you enjoy:


NICO – ABOVE THE LAW


Google image search result for "Above the Law"

Having watched this movie quite some time ago, I don’t really remember all that much of what happens in it – however, I do recall there were some distinct Seagal-moments in it: Seagal hangs onto the roof of a moving car in one scene, shoots with his eyes closed in another, and has a brilliant stand off with a bunch of mobsters who try to shoot up his car, which goes something like this:

Gangsters shoot up Seagal’s car, Seagal slips out other side door, and works his way round to behind the mobsters and points his gun at them.
SEAGAL: Drop the guns!
(mobsters drop their guns, one steps up to Seagal)
MOBSTER: You can’t drop all of us, Fatso!
(Seagal – WHO IS A COP - shoots mobster – WHO IS UNARMED)
SEAGAL: No, but I’ll get an A for effort...

If that doesn’t persuade you to watch this film, I don’t know what will.


OUT FOR JUSTICE


Google image search result for "Out for Justice"

Seagal once again plays a cop with mob connections, this time out for revenge after the murder of his old partner. Once again, this movie is ridiculously over the top – with Seagal at one point murdering someone with a corkscrew to the forehead, and a rather well endowed girl wearing such a low dress it absolutely HAS to be held on with glue. But what really makes this movie is a scene where Seagal confronts the brother of the guy he’s after in a bar:



Now, I know what you’re thinking: “sure, the action’s good, but how is this different to any other fight scene Seagal’s been in?” – did you not see Seagal ask that guy “Whose hotdog is this? Is that yours?” and throw a random hotdog at the guy? That’s some surreal shit there, man – Did Jefferson Airplane write this scene? Comedy GOLD!


EXECUTIVE DECISION


Google image search result for "Executive Decision" - acting's probably about as good...

I have no idea why this movie was included in the Steven Seagal boxset – Seagal has about 10 minutes of screen time in this film. Did they run out of space in the Kurt Russell boxset or something? After Escape from New York, Escape from LA, Escape from D.C., Escape from Baltimore, Escape from Nagasaki, Escape from Godzilla, and the final chapter in the series: Escape from the Venusian Fighting Snails IN SPACE, they still had space for one more film, but probably put The Thing or Poseidon or something in there instead. Thus, we are left with a Kurt Russell film taking up a space in the Steven Seagal boxset where “Mercenary for Justice”, “Against the Dark” or “Belly of the Beast” could instead be. Now, Executive Decision was a very enjoyable movie, and was surprisingly well written (unusual for a film with Steven Seagal in), but I ask you – can you really compare it to the genius that is the ultimate fight in Belly of the Beast?



Did you see that? That guy flew STRAIGHT BACKWARDS WITHOUT DROPPING EVEN AN INCH! Seagal hit him so hard he DEFIED FUCKING GRAVITY! Why is this not in the boxset????

Incidentally, Executive decision is the only film Seagal has ever died in – an impressive title to hold, but not quite as impressive as


UNDER SIEGE


Google image search result for "Under Siege" - ah well, can't be funny every time...

Gary Busey in drag – need I say more?

Really? Oh, well in that case: This film also stars Tommy lee Jones as a ridiculously over the top bad guy (although not quite 2-face. Still way better than 2-face in TDK, though...), and has Seagal up to his usual antics of making thing that shouldn’t normally explode do just that (in this instance, a microwave). Also, Tits.


UNDER SIEGE 2


Google image search result for Under Siege 2 - She was (luckily) 16 when this was taken.

You know how in most movies when the bad guys are showing off their new super-weapon they demonstrate it on a relatively significant but ultimately expendable target? Like that dude in James Bond melting some ice with his heat ray, or Darth Vader destroying Aldran? In under Siege 2, they destroy HALF OF CHINA as a warning shot – I AM NOT KIDDING! And if that doesn’t sway you, Seagal once again turns an everyday electronic item into a bomb – rigging a pager as a detonator, then throwing it at a guy who has just long enough to read the message “You’re fucked” on the screen before exploding into flames. Remind me never to let Seagal near my fridge. What? Oh no – I’m not worried about him making it into a bomb – I’m worried he’ll empty it in a split-second: have you seen the size of the guy?


A very wise man once said "being inexcusably rude pays off in the publicity that it creates" - I hope I have achieved this here.


EXIT WOUNDS


Google image search result for "Exit Wounds". I don't... what?

DMX, Eva mendes, The Black Guy from Grey’s Anatomy, and the big fat Black guy from “The Departed”:


star alongside Seagal in this high-octane, free from lead action adventure. Now, admittedly, I feel this film was slightly miscast, and would be even better if it starred Common, Salma Hayek, The Black Guy from House, and the big fat black guy from D12 instead:






But I digress. This movie has it all – Seagal single-handedly defeating a terrorist cell to save the vice president, a “shocking twist ending” that everyone saw coming, and Seagal kicking more ass than a professional donkey fighter (those exist, right?). On top of this, it also includes a more homoerotic locker scene than Top Gun (ok, SLIGHT exaggeration), and lots of men working out almost constantly (NOT an exaggeration), but still remains straight at heart. That’s something you just don’t see these days...


FIRE DOWN BELOW


Google image search result for "Fire Down Below", courtesy of Sleazyporn.net, apparently...

Seagal plays an EPA agent sent to a small town to investigate toxic dumping that’s poisoning the nearby river. Kris Kristofferson plays the villain – if only Bob Dylan had played the hero... But seriously, this movie was much better than I expected, and is actually far more subtle than your average Seagal film whilst still including plenty of arse-kicking, and an overly-political subtext (any political subtext in a Seagal film is a little more than we’re used to). Now, I may have repeated denied Global Warming (mainly for laughs – people get as worked up over Climate Change denial as they do over Holocaust denial for some reason), but I will admit that glow-in-the-dark green toxic waste that burns people it touches is PROBABLY a bad thing to be dumping in a river... as opposed to N-DUBZ, who NEED to be dumped in a river...

To sum up – this boxset is totally worth it, buy it and watch the shit out of these movies! Just don’t buy attack force because it is absolutely awful and despite the fact that I love watching straight-to-DVD movies by failed action stars (Seagal, Snipes, Van Dam, Dolph Lundgren – although he’s set for a comeback with The Expendables this summer), even I thought it was terrible. Mercenary For Justice, on the other hand, not only stars Omar from The Wire, but also includes possibly the worst pun in any non-Bond movie in history, so should be watched simply for this fact:



Hope you enjoyed this review – on to the Wesley Snipes boxset!







Voice

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