Why the Ending of "The One" is Actually Depressing...

Last Night, I watched the Jet Li film "The One" for the first time in over 4 years. Of course, the last time I watched it wasn't the first, and as a teenager this had been one of my favourite action films. Sure it was made by the guys who effectively killed Millennium in Season 2, and the story isn't all that impressive, but it is still an enjoyable sci-fi action romp, and introduced me to both Jet Li and Jason Statham. There is one thing I had never noticed before, however, which really bothered me on this recent watch: well, 2 things, actually. The first is that Jason Statham had to look at Gabe's wedding band to know which of the pair he was when he had just seen him throw off his flaming shirt, while Yulaw still had his tied around his waist. But the most disturbing thing by far was the supposedly happy ending:

You see, at the end, Gabe has lost his wife, and is wanted for her murder, as well as the murders of several police officers. If he returns to his own world, he will be put in prison for the rest of his life which, given he was a cop, probably won't be a very long one. Funsch decides that he owes Gabe more than this, so breaks procedure to send him to a different world: one in which there is clean energy, and his wife is still alive. Whilst on the face of it this seems like a fairly happy ending for Gabe, all things considered, when you really think about it, this ending is pretty horrifying.

Ok, horrifying is a relative term...

For starters: As we are informed earlier in the film, things are completely different in each universe. As Funsch explains to Gabe: "In this Universe, you exist. In another you don't exist. In another, you're married to the same woman. In another, you're married to a different woman. In another, you're married to a man." - literally everything could be different. Gabe appears to have been dropped into a nicer version of his own Universe, about 3 years prior to the point his world has reached, because he has been dropped at the exact place and time he initially met his wife. His dog gets its paw run over by a car, and Gabe takes him into the vets, where T.K. (or, her alternate universe equivalent) is working, and Gabe realizes that this is how they met in the first place, and they can fall in love all over again.

But here's the problem: for starters, we don't know what's different in this Universe. She could be a Lesbian, or already have a boyfriend or husband. Hell, she may just straight up dislike the idea of dating a Chinese dude. Her personality will be completely different. And that's important - because even if she is a very similar person to T.K., and she and Gabe do end up getting together, it's going to be impossible for that relationship to last when he already has an idea of what his wife is like in his head before, as far as she's concerned, he ever meets her. I've never watched 500 Days of Summer, but I've been informed that it revolves around a guy who starts dating a girl named Summer, and falls in love with the idea of who she could turn out to be, as created in his head. When she doesn't live up to these fantasies, the relationship inevitably breaks down, because it's not really her that he's in love with, but some fictional concept of who she could have been. The same thing applies here: No matter how similar the woman in this universe may be to Gabe's wife, she is not Gabe's wife, and this will inevitably lead to their relationship, if they ever form one, falling apart. Not to mention the fact that even if they are completely identical to one another (something Yulaw's list of kills at the start tells us she won't be), she's gonna find it pretty creepy how fast he wants to go with her, and how much he knows about her in so little time, and might just break it off due to pressure. But even if, somehow, their relationship does hold under all these problems: There's still the fact that Gabe watches his wife being murdered in front of him only an hour before meeting this woman, and hasn't had time to get over it - which will fuck him up.

No matter how much of his anger he vents on innocent lamp posts...

I've never really lost anyone, so I'm pretty well just going off the opening episodes of House season 5 here, but as far as I can tell it is extremely painful, and just thinking about it should be enough to cause Gabe to collapse to the floor crying and not be heard from for days. Now, imagine that, but with a constant reminder in your face every single day of exactly what your wife looked like, and exactly the kind of life you could have led together had she not been murdered, and Gabe is almost a dead cert for suicide. Hell, he even says earlier in the film that he doesn't care if he dies now that she is gone - is it really a good idea to give him a reminder of her just when he seems like he might be able to cope?

House tells me the only way he will be able to cope is by taking a road trip with his best friend to a funeral, and throwing a bottle through a stained-glass window...

Even if he doesn't kill himself (I assume Yulaw has to kill him to become The One, otherwise it would have happened by coincidence before now, so he won't refrain from doing it just to protect the multiverse), Gabe is still going to be a mess around this new version of T.K. for several months at least, if he ever recovers - and it's not as if he'll ever be able to talk about what happened, except in the very broadest sense: "I was married to a woman who was murdered by a man who wanted me dead" "why did he want you dead?" "uh... because I was a cop?" - Gabe is going to be one seriously fucked up guy who no amount of counselling will help, and who is gonna need to knock back 40mg of Valium to sleep at night.

Too soon?

But wait - perhaps becoming stronger has made him more tolerant to poisons? It would certainly make sense, given that it is possible to build tolerances to Benzoes, Opiates and other drugs - so perhaps Gabe will need enough tranquilizer to kill an Elephant just to sleep at night - and how the fuck is he gonna get that prescribed? He's not, which means either he has to man up and get over his wife's death (which he won't, being constantly reminded of her), or he's going to have to go out and score ridiculous amounts of drugs illegally. Either way, he's fucked.

And we all know Jet Li's track record with Junkies...

And then we get onto the question of whether he has existed before in that Universe or not. As we know, there is a possibilty there was another Gabe in that Universe before him, and whilst there is no chance of him running into the alternate version of himself, since we know he and Yulaw are the only 2 left, there is always the chance of this alternate Gabe's history catching up with Gabe.

Where's that Chinese Manservant of mine gone? It's shower time!

Think about it: at the start, we see another alternate Jet Li, Lawless, being transferred from prison to a courthouse cell, because he is going to give testimony against some mobsters. Imagine if something along these lines had gone on in this universe. Maybe the alternate Gabe had been in protective custody when Yulaw killed him. Now, what's to stop someone from seeing Gabe and recognizing him as the alternate Gabe, and killing him for this, just as Tony Soprano did to that guy he saw whilst driving his daughter around colleges in the first season?

Being Choked to death with electrical wire isn't normal.

But when Snitching it is...

And even if the alternate Gabe wasn't a criminal, Gabe had better hope that no-one has heard of him. If he lived in the same area, or was an at all known figure, then Gabe's fucked. But you know what? That doesn't really matter - because Gabe is fucked anyway. And you know why?

No, I mean seriously.

He is a Chinese man with no form of identification, no home, and no money, who has been dropped into a town centre in the United States. Even in the most Liberal interpretation of the modern world possible (which one presumes this apparent Utopia is, given everyone drives an electric powered car and there's no smog in Hollywood), that's not going to end well. Gabe is essentially (scratch that: is) an illegal immigrant. He has no family, nobody knows him - he is going to have to fend for himself. He was a cop his whole life, but with no history, he cannot possibly become a police officer in this Universe. So what can he do? Well, he can either hope that this alternate Universe is more socialist and that T.K.'s job will be enough to support them both comfortably, and that he can get her to marry him without her finding him too creepy or him wanting to commit suicide because of his wife's murder, or he can live like an illegal immigrant in modern America: working a shitty job for fuck all money and being constantly abused because he essentially has no rights. Hell, one of the best case scenarios would play out with him becoming a delivery boy for a Chinese restaurant, and even then there's a chance someone mistaking him for a Jap might pull him off his bike and slash his throat before he has a chance to defend himself. You know, that or he would be bored shitless and resent his new life, causing his new wife to grow tired of him and leave him. To be honest, it looks as though there is really only one solution for Gabe at this point:

That's right - join the triads. Think about it: he's super smart, extremely capable, and ridiculously strong. He managed to beat down the most powerful man in the Universe: in any Universe. When I was a kid, they told us we could either be cops, or criminals. What I'm saying to you is: when you're an illegal immigrant who's gonna get deported if he tries to become a cop, which option are you going to take?

3rd choice...

But ok, Gabe's too moral to become a triad, even if he knows there's a chance the police will turn him and he can work for them after all. He's not going to become a Mercenary either, so what does that leave us with? There's really only one option left if he wants to earn a decent living doing something he's good at:

That's right - he has to become a cage fighter, working in seedy underground clubs, beating the shit out of anyone who faces him until one day some guy who lost big time betting against him blows him away with a Mac 10 as he walks out the back of a nightclub. His life cut tragically short.

Mel Gibson finds the idea of a Chinaman dying hilarious, whereas Danny Glover is screaming because Gibson is crushing his hand for "being too black".

Or, you know, he could become a professional sportsman or actor or some shit. But then, that wouldn't fit in with the point I'm trying to make here. And that point is, even if things seem rosy, and Gabe's new home looks like paradise, chances are things are still pretty fucked, and he'll no doubt spend the rest of his life wishing he had killed Yulaw, on the assumption that he would either rather be dead than keep on keeping on, or there was a possibility he could have become Doctor Manhattan when he was the last one left alive (I mean, his wife was Silk Spectre, afterall).

Oh, you thought I was kidding?

In fact, the only person for whom this ending is happy is - you guessed it - Yulaw.









Voice






Don't worry - Chinese New Year will be over soon enough, then I can get back to discussing topics which have nothing to do with the Chinese...

How to Get That One Girl - A Guide to Stalking (Text)

We’ve all got that girl we’d do anything to spend time with. A work colleague, an Ex-Girlfriend, that cute girl from the coffee shop who totally held your hand when she gave you your change. Hell, someone out there probably even fancies Tulisa from N-DUBS (*cough* PAUL *cough*). The point is, we all have these little obsessions, but often cannot do anything about it. Well thanks to me, Voice From the Pillow, LLB, now you can – with this simple step-by-step guide!



Voice From the Pillow: My Guide to Stalking like a Pro!



"What do you mean rape face?"



Tip 1:


Make sure the object of your affections is, in fact, real. We’ve all seen that video on Efukt of Chris Chan fucking an anime character sex pillow in the missionary position whilst screaming “Julie”, so don’t even pretend you haven’t. The point is, Chris was clearly under the impression that the person he was sending this video to was an actual human female named Julie who was into that kind of thing (that should have been the first giveaway, really. The fact that he already fell for the whole “Clyde Cash, Guido extraordinaire” thing being the second), but instead sent it to what is commonly referred to as a “troll” or “/b/fag”, who then proceeded to upload it. So, before you even consider beginning a stalking regime, be sure the object of your desires is a tangible being, not a creep who for some reason wants a guy with aspergers to send him a video of himself fucking a pillow. If you find yourself in that situation, you are unfortunately on the wrong end of the stalking process, and need to rethink your tactics.

Whilst we’re on the subject, make sure it’s not a character you’re in love with, but an actual person. I once had a friend who was infatuated with Madonna in the “Just Like a Prayer” video, but when he finally went to see her on the “Sweet and Sticky” Tour, actually threw up after realizing that the Granny skeleton shoving it’s crotch in a Homosexual’s face on stage was the true persona (and appearance) of the woman he thought he loved. I also had a similar problem, falling in love with Enrica Villablanca from Splinter Cell Double Agent, and spending every night for 2 months under the impression that I was Sam Fisher. The Doctors at the hospital weren’t too happy with that one, especially when I learnt that my OCP could stop pacemakers (I was later informed, upon my release in August last year, that what I thought was an OCP was, in fact, a taser I had stolen from the security closet, and what I assumed to be pacemakers were, in fact, other people’s hearts. And the person I had assumed to be Emile Dufraisne was, in fact, David Cameron, who had been visiting to show his support for non-custodial sentences, a policy he reversed the very next day, curiously enough). The point is, no matter how sexy a 33 year old brunette PHD student-slash-terrorist may seem, if she’s not real, it’s a waste of time trying to impress her. Plus, if you’re the kind of guy who still hasn’t stopped ripping one of his friends for watching Star Wars porn about 5 years ago, it makes you look like a hypocrite.


Whoa! Too Political!




Tip 2:


I recommend stalking multiple women. Whilst to some of you that may seem like you are being unfaithful, bear in mind that in some cultures, such as in Spain, it is perfectly acceptable for a man to have 7 wives, and 7 mistresses per wife, and 7 cats per mistress. Now that’s a fuckload of cats, even if they aren’t going to St. Ives.

Remember, the more women you stalk, the more likely you are to find one who actually enjoys it. Take me, for example, in November 07, I met this cute little blonde girl outside a bar whilst I was carrying out surveillance on another woman, and rather than stick with my original target, I thought “fuck it, I know where she lives – let’s give Blondie a whirl”, and it fucking worked! She totally let me take her home that night!





You know, after I’d put Roofies in her drink and tased her when she attempted to escape from my car.


Ice Cold, Baby!


But seriously, this technique works every time – hit on as many girls as you can, and eventually you may trick one into coming with you. This works especially well if the woman in question is inebriated. But don’t take my word for it: This technique is actually recommended by Mike “The Situation” Guidoking. So there you have it.



This man makes 'Clyde Cash' jealous. Jus' sayin'.




Tip 3:


Don’t bother with anything too fancy. Remember, stalking isn’t really about getting to know the person better, or having physical interactions with them, it’s about fulfilling a fantasy in your head of what could be. Imagine seeing the most beautiful girl ever, and imagining the two of you getting married and having kids or whatever the hell you’re into. Now imagine that you work up the courage and go speak to her, then it turns out she has a Scouser accent. Boom, a perfectly hot fantasy ruined by a woman opening her Goddamn mouth. This is also known as the Lorraine Bracco effect – if this happens to you, pretty soon the only fantasy you will be able to have about her is the one where you stuff burgers down her throat to prevent her from speaking. Of course, it doesn’t HAVE to be burgers you use…



It could be a hotdog.


I recommend just keeping your distance and photographing subjects you are interested in, unless you are just planning a one night stalking harassment session and don’t see it going any further the next day. But if you are going to be photographing your victims, remember rule one: No flash photography! A perfectly good night’s stalking can be ruined in a split second if you forget to turn your flash off – after all, bushes don’t just flash by themselves, do they? It’s a mistake I’ve made before, believe me…





Tip 4:


Whilst we’re on the subject of rookie mistakes, remember to bear in mind that your judgment isn’t always at its finest when you’re trashed on vodka. Or Drugs for that matter.



“Drugs”, in this instance, includes Cannabis incense sticks.


I’m a great fan of clear-headed stalking. After all, who needs any more intoxication than that of a woman, walking home all alone at night, vulnerable. Just thinking about it makes me feels slightly high. Or is that the PCP I was smoking earlier?



Rodney King supports PCP. Do you part for Racial Justice.



Tip 5:


Baby Steps. I know you’re going to want to go into kidnap and rape fantasies straight off the bat, but trust me, ease off a bit. When you finally become a serial killer a few years from now, you’ll see that your casual stalking days were some of the best of your life. Not only was the anticipation itself so much more exhilarating than the act of mutilation itself will ever be, but not having the police on your back day and night is actually fairly pleasant, regardless of how gangster it is or is not. This is the voice of experience talking here – do you want to be the next Stephen Griffiths? That’s what I thought.



Tip 6:


When you do finally decide you’re ready to progress to serial killing, remember: preparation is king. No-one likes a killer who picks up the odd prostitute and lazily strangles her. Hell, the only reason Gary Ridgeway has any fans is because of the sheer volume he killed. Same with Shipman – if you break a record, no-one gives a fuck about your M.O. But you have to prepare yourself for the fact that you may not make it to “Most Prolific Serial Killer of All Time”, and whilst prostitutes are certainly easier to abduct, and strangling is easily the most efficient way of dispatching them, it’s not very original, and won’t earn you points in the style category.

Imagine serial killing like a game of SSX X-treme Snowboarding ‘Tricky’ – sure, the fastest person wins the race, but you unlock way more features if you come last but do the best tricks. That’s kind of how the serial murder game is. Go on Facebook. Right now. Harold Shipman, the most prolific killer ever, has 58 fans. Ted Bundy has 3,394. For killing a 6th of the number of people. Why? Because brutally killing and eating teenage girls and 20-something college students is far cooler than putting some old people to sleep, that’s why! So, whilst we’re at it, here’s a list of what’s hot, and what’s not:


HOT

Killing female law and medicine students – these are supposed to be the smartest girls of their generation, and should definitely know better than to trust strangers. It’s quite an accolade to lure a 20-year-old law student into your car to murder her. Have at them!

Cannibalism – Cannibalism has always been hot. Why do you think Silence of the Lambs was such a popular film? Because some creepy dude got naked to Q Lazarus? NO! Because Lecktor chowed down on his victims, that’s why!

Trademarks – Everyone remembers The Candyman, the Killer Clown – come up with something that people will remember! But bear in mind:



NOT

Naming yourself - I know there’s a fine line between coming up with a trademark, and going all-out and naming yourself, but leave the nicknames to the press, ok? You don’t want people to know that you came up with your own name, or they’ll just think it’s plain sad. It gives people the impression that all you care about is being remembered, and that the actual killing part doesn’t honestly interest you. Remember, nobody likes a fame whore. Put simply, would you rather be The Boston Strangler, or Katy Price? That’s what I thought.

Killing pets – now, I know the Trailer Park Boys is an awesome film, and they kill cats and dogs for a living, but bear in mind: you are nowhere near as charismatic as Ricky.


This guy fucking OWNS you.


The main complaint people tend to have about Patrick Bateman in ‘American Psycho’ is that he killed the Homeless Man’s dog. For some reason, people prefer animals to other people, so don’t kill them, or you’ll be hated by everyone other than Satanists. On a side note, killing Satanists is hot, because it’s funny to see them pray to Satan, like in that MillenniuM episode.

Killing Comedy Bloggers – the world needs more free laughs, so leave internet comedy writers and reviewers alone. Luckily, as 99.9% of these are male, it shouldn’t affect you. Unless you’re into dudes, in which case hey, it’s your choice! I’m not going to judge you!







Stick to these rules, and you’ll be fine. Happy stalking, guys!





Voice



Before I receive any complaints about posting 3 serial killer articles in a row - it's the run-up to Halloween! Lighten up, will you? This is the only time of year we can fully express our dark sexual fantasies without being ostracised! Except Valentine's Day, which is waaaaay creepier...