Nirvana for Christmas #1 Campaign

My Brother works for William Hill, the betting company, and informs me that they're giving out even odds on Nirvana securing the #1 spot this Christmas, thanks to a facebook campaign to see them take the spot over Justin Bieber, and this year's X-Factor winner. In response, I just feel there is one question I should probably ask...


DO ANY OF YOU RETARDS EVEN FUCKING LIKE NIRVANA?


It's an honest question - Nirvana was never about becoming popular, or making money, and they sure as hell wouldn't be proud to make it to the Christmas #1 spot. In fact, this campaign seems to stand for everything the band despised. And just to top it all off, you know which song the campaign is calling for people to buy?





That's right, Smells Like Teen Spirit. If you're a regular, you'll recall my rantings against the song back in February last year. If you're not a regular, allow me to recant a couple of facts that every casual nirvana fan knows:


Nirvana's first album, Bleach, was not overly successful. For Nevermind, they decided to go in a slightly different direction, with a proper producer and decent mixing. Smells Like Teen Spirit itself was written as Kurt's version of a Pixie's song, with strong overtones of Boston's "More Than a Feeling" thrown in to boot. Kurt wrote it as a popular song - essentially, he wrote the song as a joke, to reflect on the direction the new album was taking. Smells Like Teen Spirit was an example of the extreme he was worried they were being pushed towards with their new sound and rising popularity, and wrote the song, in essence, as an act of rebellion. In effect, 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' was for 'Nevermind' what 'The Real Slim Shady' was for 'The Marshal Mathers LP'. It was an overly pop-sounding and catchy track, designed to make fun of the genre, and the group's steady path towards it. Nirvana was a raw grunge band, and found themselves falling into the mainstream world of pop music, so fought back with a parody of what they thought of pop. Cobain is known to have despised being made to play the song at live shows, because he hated the fact that Nirvana was being remembered as 'The Band who made that catchy track, Smells Like Teen Spirit'. Though, presumably not as much as David Bowie hated having kids come up to him and say how much they loved the fact he did a cover of a Nirvana song...



Pictured: The Exact look Bowie gave to anyone who said this. Don't even ask what happened to the people who complimented Dylan on his cover of a Guns 'N' Roses song...


So, essentially, encouraging people to buy 'Smells Like Teen Spirit' this Christmas is the biggest "Fuck You" we could give to Kurt Cobain's corpse, short of Courtney Love making a movie of his life with Rob Schneider in the lead role...



Rape Me, my friend...


Nirvana is not the type of band who would want a number 1, nor were they the type of group who would want to win some stupid race like this. But even if they were, they sure as shit wouldn't want 'Smells Like teen Spirit' to be the song everyone bought. Now, I have no idea what Dave Grohl's opinion on the song was, but i know that both Cobain and Novoselic hated it. Why not pick a Nirvana song the group were actually proud of? My vote would be on 'Heart-Shaped Box', but since it's not an overly catchy song, why not 'Come As You Are'? or 'Lithium'? All famous, instantly recognisable songs, but also songs the band actually liked and were proud of. And why stop at Nirvana? Since the band wouldn't have wanted to make it Christmas #1 anyway, why not buy another track from and early 90s grunge band? Hell, why not:






Better yet, why even pick a grunge band? Why not pick a song from an era where getting to the top of the charts wasn't considered a bad thing? Why shit in the faces of great musicians, when others would consider seeing their song reach #1 a great triumph? You know what I think we need to all need to buy to try and get to Christmas #1 this year?



See, it's funny because Kris Novoselic is Croatian...



Voice



Whilst we're on the subject, just a slight redaction I wish to make. upon viewing A Serbian Film for a second time, i realize that, what I had thought was meant to be a twist, and believed to be overly-predictable, was in fact always supposed to be obvious, and was not predictable, but inevitable. I had gone into A Serbian Film expecting a Horror Film along the lines of Saw, and so picked up on the similarities without judging the film on its own merrit. For this, I apologize. The movie is actually better than I gave it credit for, and now I'm worried I'll have to rewatch buffy the Vampire Slayer in case that's actually decent in some way I hadn't noticed before.


Actually, fuck that. that movie was shit.

So, I wrote an article about hating pathetic Facebook memes, and now I'm copying one? Hypocrite!

I’ve had a couple of requests from people to post my responses to ‘the 30 day song challenge’. As I’m not the kind of guy to dedicate an entire month of my life to anything whatsoever, I decided to change this to ‘the 30 songs challenge’. Same rules, shorter time period. As I’m sure you all remember, this Blog was originally set up as a Music-reviewing Blog, until I suddenly realized “Holy Shit, I know fuck all about music” and switched to reviewing movies and writing insane ramblings on a variety of subjects no-one cares about instead. So here’s me coming back to form, in a sense, giving you my responses to ‘The 30 Songs Challenge’. You may like what you see; you may lose all respect for me. But either way, at least I’m not posting some of the more pathetic Facebook crazes on here seriously. Like, oh, I don’t know...







SONG ONE – YOUR FAVOURITE SONG


This is a tough one, because my favourite song changes pretty well on a daily basis. For a while last week, it was the song “Now You’re a Man” by Trey Parker, taken from the movie “Orgasmo”. That is, until I was linked to the site ‘thewillpower.org’...

Some people will just say, ‘just think of your favourite song by your favourite band’, on the assumption that if they’re your favourite band, their best song should also be your favourite song. However, this is somewhat akin to saying “Your favourite actor is Christian Bale, and his best film was ‘American Psycho’, so therefore American Psycho must be your favourite film” – it just doesn’t work like that. And what about hits by bands who have done fuck all great songs, but had that one hit wonder that you absolutely fucking love? So in all, this is one hell of a difficult question to answer.

I guess, in the end, I just have to go with ‘which song have I really been enjoying more than any other lately?’ – and in response to this, I guess I would have to go for the one I spontaneously started singing last night, and got a group of people to join in with, and start air-banding the whole thing. And that song is: ‘I Need to Know’ by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.







SONG TWO – YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE SONG


Did you know Microsoft Word is trying to correct that to “You’re Least Favourite Song”? No wonder so many people on the internet have a fucking atrocious grasp of when to use “Your” or “You’re”, or “There”, “their” and “they’re” – their fucking computers tell them they’re wrong when they get it right!

But back to the task at hand – I’m certain I’ll be the only person on Earth not typing “Friday by Rebecca Black” right here, but the fact is, this kind of internet hate comes and goes. Hatred of mainstream media, however, is forever. Now, whilst I’m sure they were offering good odds on my saying “Number 1” by Tinchy Strider and N-DUBZ, I’m not going to because even though the artists are cunts, and the video is terrible, the song is far from the worst I have ever heard. Also, there are all manner of worthless jingles in my memory, but can they all be counted as “songs”? The Crazy Frog was massively popular amongst retards and cunts when I was about 11 or 12 (ish?), but no matter how much I despise that, I wouldn’t even give it the priviledge of honouring it with the title “a song”. So I guess that restricts things further...
I suppose I would have to go with “That Fast Food Song”, because basically it’s an advert for the Capitalist system, and is also as annoying as 10 Justin Biebers (or 8 Rebecca Blacks, or 5 Goatses, or 2 Nick Cleggs).








SONG THREE – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY


This one’s a little easier, because it’s any song that makes you happy, not the song that makes you happiest, so I can pick absolutely any song. So I suppose I’ll pick the song that had me shouting “FUCK YEAH!!!!” when it started playing on Radio 2 the other night – Thin Lizzy with “Dancing in the Moonlight”.







SONG FOUR – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU SAD


This exact question ruined my day when MSN asked it 3 years ago, because one of the published answers was “Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, because it’s the song playing just before Chris Moltisanti dies in The Sopranos”. I’m fine with publishing that now, because to be honest, if you haven’t watched The Sopranos yet, you’ve probably heard far worse spoilers than that already. But to publish that before the final 9 Episodes were even released on DVD (I bought the set the day it came out, so I’m certain of this) is a bit fucking much.

So, what song should I pick? There are loads of Depressing-sounding songs, to choose from, even if, like me, you really aren’t a big fan of the whole whiney-emo scene. I’ll admit, there are some very good, depressing songs told from a first person perspective; “Waiting for the Miracle” by Leonard Cohen, Half of Nirvana’s Discography, and both “Hurt” and “Give My Love to Rose” by Johnny Cash (I’m well aware “Hurt” was a cover, yes...). All amazing songs. But I think in the end, I have to give it to Rammstein’s ‘Ohne Dich’.




Is the song really about a Heroin addict? It makes sense, given the line “Mit dir bin ich auch Aleine”. But the rest of the song sounds so much like it’s about a lost love that it’s hard to believe it’s not about a girl. And that’s what makes this song amazing – it could be a fantastic song about someone who has lost the love of their life, but when you consider that love may be heroin (makes sense when you consider they already wrote a song about a heroin addict dying all alone with “Adios”), it just gives it an even deeper meaning – the song could go both ways. Much like Till in “Zwitter”. WHOOOOAAA!!!!!




SONG FIVE – A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEONE


When I was 18, I started seeing one of my mate’s girlfriend’s friends, and we all hung out one night. At about midnight, we decided to sneak into the place where this girl worked, basically just to raid the freezer. She was a waitress in a farm restaurant way out in the countryside, with no buildings or towns for miles around. Whilst the girls were grabbing Ice Cream, my friend and I came up with the ingenious plan of scaring the shit out of them, knowing full well that it is a proven scientific fact that girls are more likely to sleep with you if you terrify them first (I am not making this up). So, when we left the building, we both acted like we were hearing noises in the fields nearby (it was a farm, after all), and started to act really freaked out ourselves. This succeeded in freaking the girls out, who just wanted to get back to the car. As luck would have it, there were a number of scarecrows on the way to the car park, as we had to take a narrow path across a field, and we were saying things like “I’m sure that scarecrow wasn’t there before” or “just imagine, if you wanted to murder someone here, you could easily just stand by the path in ragged clothes, and they would walk right up to you thinking you were a scarecrow”. A couple of stones thrown out into the field to make noise later, and the girls were sufficiently freaked. We raced back into the car, and I turned on the ignition, at which point the song “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads started blaring through the radio, as if it knew just what to play in that instance. So, I’ll have to dedicate this entry to the girl I successfully freaked out in those fields all those years ago, and name the song “Psycho Killer”.








DAY SIX – A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEWHERE


Driving through the French Alps between Tignes and Val d’Isere a couple of years ago, I was chilling and listening to music, looking out over the fantastic landscape, lit by the brightest sunshine I think I have ever seen. The “Deal With It” Picture of me in a Hawaiian Shirt up in the mountains was taken there, and it has to be one of the most beautiful landscapes I have ever witnessed. The song I was listening to whilst driving? Only the song “Strutter” by Kiss, a song I had previously only associated with driving across the deserts of San Andreas, but will now forever be in my head as the song that I had on in the French Alps. Love it.








SONG SEVEN – A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A CERTAIN EVENT


Walking along the streets of Portsmouth at 5 in the morning in winter is depressing as fuck. Especially in fog. Everything is grey and horrible, and you wonder why you even bother. So when “It’s the End of the World as we Know it” by R.E.M started to play on my MP3 player, it had the bizarre effect of actually making me enjoy my surroundings, whilst contemplating what the end of the world really would look like for me from here. So, the song that reminds me of walking through a run-down city in the early hours of the morning when nobody else was around?








SONG EIGHT – A SONG THAT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO


This could, of course, cover hundreds of different songs. I’ve never been too good at remembering people, or places, but numbers and lyrics I find easy as fuck. So I guess, given I have literally hundreds of songs to choose from, I should pick the one I personally feel is the most impressive, and given its 11 minute run-time, I guess there are few songs more impressive to know all the words to than Bob Dylan’s “Desolation Row”.



Buuuut... YouTube doesn't seem to have the song. Though, to be honest, if you don't own either Highway 61 Revisited or Bob Dylan's 3 Disc Music Collection, you need to go and die in a hole right now.

Anyway, here's some random guy doing a cover:






SONG NINE – A SONG THAT YOU CAN DANCE TO


Again, you can pretty well dance to absolutely any song out there, so this seems like a bit of an odd question. So, I suppose it’s going to have to be Pharaoh Monch’s “Simon Says”; the rhymes are whack, but the beat is Gang$ta (to paraphrase a number of individuals from YouTube). Plus, Sam Rockwell looked like a Boss dancing to it.








SONG TEN – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FALL ASLEEP


I am not like so many of my generation, spending literally their entire waking lives with an earphone shoved in one ear, listening to music constantly. Not only this, but I never put music on when I go to sleep – I have music on to enjoy it, not because it’s just something that should be on in the background. Not only this, but I don’t find music makes me sleepy, so this question is pretty difficult for me to answer. However, if I want a cool, relaxing song that I can just chill out to, and that I might have on before I went to bed, then I suppose you could do a lot worse than Leonard Cohen’s “Anthem”.








SONG ELEVEN – A SONG FROM YOUR FAVOURITE BAND


Really? Oops, I’ve already done one of these. Still, the rules don’t say anything about using multiple songs from the same band, so why worry?

There are loads of great Rammstein songs out there, and it’s so hard to choose one for this entry. Where do you even start? So, I guess I’ll have to start at the logical place; the beginning. No, not “Wollt Ihr Das Bett in Flammen Sehen”, although that would make sense also; but with the first Rammstein song I ever heard, way back in 2001: Sonne.






SONG TWELVE – A SONG FROM A BAND YOU HATE

The Gallagher Brothers are cunts. No discussion. I hate everything from their smug faces down to their shitty retro trainers, and would like nothing better than to smash their fucking Hipster glasses into their ridiculously over-inflated heads. That said, Oasis have made some pretty decent songs. The best probably being “Don’t Look Back in Anger”. So well played, you cunts, you made my list. Enjoy.






SONG THIRTEEN – A SONG THAT IS A GUILTY PLEASURE


Oh God, I hardly dare admit this for fear of what it will do to my reputation. But I fucking love “The Flood” by Take That.





You’re probably expecting me to post “Ha, April Fool!” right about now, but no – I’m being completely and utterly serious here. I think it is an amazing song.




SONG FOURTEEN – A SONG THAT NO-ONE WOULD EXPECT YOU TO LOVE

Given the amount of hate I throw at N-DUBZ, it’s obvious that I don’t love their songs, and no-one expects me to. Oh wait, sorry, you mean a song that no-one expects me to love but that I DO love? Well, that’s a bit more awkward now, isn’t it? The problem is, most of the stuff I love that is utter shit people expect me to love anyway. People expect me to love “Don’t you want me Baby” because it’s 80s cheese, just like people know I love films like “Triple X” and “Exit Wounds”, because I enjoy utter shit. Even things like “Be my Baby” by the Ronettes, people expect me to like, because obviously I’ve seen Mean Streets. Hell, after my “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” review, people won’t even be surprised to learn I like a couple of 50 Cent songs. So what do I love, that no-one would expect me to? I guess my answer to this will have to be Green Day, because even I’m surprised that I would like Green Day. And whilst people might explain away my love of “American Idiot” as being a form of punk-nostalgia, that still doesn’t explain why the fuck I love “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. So, a song that no-one would expect me to love? I guess a song that even I’m surprised I love should do the trick.







SONG FIFTEEN – A SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOU

As much as I want to put “I’m too Sexy” by Right Said Fred here, I shall refrain. Though, to be honest, it’s hard to think of a song that describes me better. I suppose it’s got to be U2’s “Stuck in a Moment”, for those occasions where I really do lose it and get fixated on things that don’t really matter...







SONG SIXTEEN – A SONG THAT YOU USED TO LOVE BUT NOW HATE

I don’t think there are any songs that I used to love, but now hate. I may dislike some songs I used to enjoy, simply because I’ve heard them too much; but to actively go from love to hate? I don’t see that happening. Shit, I would probably still crack a smile if you put on the old “Mr Blobby” single I used to have on tape when I was a kid – I literally cannot think of a single song I once loved, then grew to hate. There are a few, such as “Tribute” and “Business Time”, which I enjoyed when I first heard them, but then became really mainstream (I’m a closet Hipster) and quoted by absolutely fucking everyone soon after, meaning they lost their appeal. But still, I don’t actively hate those songs. In the end, I guess, I’ll have to choose one like this, which I enjoyed upon first hearing it, but now get annoyed by because morons continue to spam it everywhere. So, congratulations, for the second time in the past week or so, I’m posting “Surfin’ Bird” on this Blog. Fuck you, Family Guy fans, you ruined this song, and by extension “Full Metal Jacket”, even worse than watching John C. McGinley in Scrubs ruined my view of “Platoon”. This one’s for you:






SONG SEVENTEEN – A SONG YOU HEAR OFTEN ON THE RADIO

I wouldn’t know about “often”, because I don’t listen to the radio all that much. I also don’t want to post some shit here, which is what I tend to hear on the radio if I’m in the gym or somewhere. So, what gets played often on the radio when I’m listening? Well, they play “Take That” a fair amount, which I’ve already posted, and Lady Gaga’s quite popular. But I’m going to choose a song I haven’t heard on the radio “often”, but which I did hear twice in 2 days; it’s “Across 110th Street” by Bobby Womack.








SONG EIGHTEEN – A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU HEARD ON THE RADIO

Simply for the lulz value, it’s got to be “Shut Your Fucking Face Uncle Fucker” by Trey Parker and Co. I can imagine the shit storm that would create if played uncensored on national radio – AAAWWWW YEEEAAAH!!!!!







DAY NINETEEN – A SONG FROM YOUR FAVOURITE ALBUM

Naturally, we’re not counting hits albums here, which is a bit of a shame, otherwise I’d post “Emerald” by Thin Lizzy, who have the greatest “Greatest Hits” album ever (closely followed by David Bowie). And, of course, we won’t be able to include soundtracks, either – otherwise the Pulp Fiction soundtrack would probably take the top spot. So, it comes down to actual studio albums released by bands, which may be tricky...

The problem with this question is that it falls prey to the same difficulties we had with the “Favourite song” question – it really depends on mood. A number of Bob Dylan’s albums are fantastic – especially “Blood on the Tracks”, “Highway 61 Revisited” and “Bringing it all back Home”. But would I call them my favourite albums? Likewise, Rammstein have had 4 absolutely incredible albums in “Herzeleid”, “Sehnsucht”, “Mutter” and “Reise, Reise”, and there are plenty of other bands I can think of who have released a tremendous album at some point. I suppose in the end, though, it really makes sense to go with one of the two albums featured on the tape that never left the cassette player in my car for a full year when I was 17/18. And although both albums are incredible, I’m going to pick the one I always used to prefer back when I was a long haired 18 year old kid who loved nothing more than driving in the sunshine and quoting The Big Lebowski. So, for the second time in this Blog post, I give you a song from Bob Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited. This time, I’m going to go not for my favourite song on the album, but the most famous, and most significant. I give you: “Like a Rolling Stone”.







SONG TWENTY – A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY

Back in the day when I was your typically angry teenager (long before I discovered Bob Dylan and just plain Chilling the fuck out), my favourite song to listen to when angry was “Just Don’t Give a Fuck” by Eminem. And while my music tastes may have changed a bit since then, I no longer have the need to calm myself with blaring music when I’m angry (I just let it burn out / smash the shit out of everything and everything in sight these days. A much more mature way of dealing with things...), so I suppose it’s only appropriate to post the song I used to calm myself down to back in the day, even though I haven’t listened to it in God knows how long, simply as a tribute to those days when it did help me out of some pretty dark places.








SONG TWENTY ONE – A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU’RE HAPPY

Not a song that makes you happy (we already had that), but a song you listen to whilst happy? Hmmm... this could be just about any song, to be honest. I doubt there’s anyone on the planet who says “Ooh, I’m happy! I’ll listen to my happy song!” – that’s just plain weird. But, I suppose I have to pick one, so I’ll go for a song that deserves to be mentioned somewhere on this list, but probably wouldn’t get a look in if I didn’t post it here: It’s the full-length version of David Bowie’s “Heroes”.






SONG TWENTY TWO – A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU’RE SAD

Well, this is a tough one. I’d like to put either “I’m Going to Cut Myself (I Mean it this Time)” by Death Car for Jimmy, or “I’ve Got Hurt Feelings” by Flight of the Conchords. However, this seems like a little bit of a cop-out, so I guess I’ll have to think seriously about songs I listen to when I’m sad. I can’t really put “Ohne Dich” again, so I guess I’ll just have to choose another. Still, no-one says a song you listen to whilst sad has to be a sad song, and whilst I would put “More than a Feeling” by Boston here, I got so pissed off by its constant over-use in adverts that I’m no longer quite the diehard fan of it I once was. However, that doesn’t stop me from picking another song I already used on my “10 Best Wake-up Songs” list, so rather than #1, I’m gonna pick the song I nominated as the 2nd best wake-up song to be the song to listen to when sad; it’s Tom Petty (for the second time) with “Free Falling”.






SONG TWENTY THREE – A SONG YOU WANT TO PLAY AT YOUR WEDDING

That I want to play myself, or that I want to be played? It doesn’t matter; it’s the same fucking answer either way: DU HAST by Rammstein. Unsure of why I picked it? Here’s the English version, just so you get an idea of what the lyrics are about:







SONG TWENTY FOUR – A SONG THAT YOU WANT TO PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL

Well, I highly doubt I’ll be in any position to play a song at my own funeral, but I digress. I suspect “Another one bites the dust” is quite a popular choice, simply because it’s “Ironic”, same with “Highway to Hell”. But it’s not for me. “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley is also presumably quite popular, because the idea of Rick Rolling a funeral is really one of the founding principles of the internet. But again, that’s not really my scene. I might also be appropriate, I suppose, for them to play “My Way” by Sid Vicious at my funeral – because what better way to be remembered than by the words of a man completely different to yourself in every way, save the fact that you can both play the bass poorly, and were both played by Gary Oldman in the movie adaptations of your life? But, in the end, I suppose I should choose something at least vaguely sensible, so I’m going for “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees. Kidding. No, I’m actually going to pick “Free Bird” by Lynard Skynard, because “Swamp Music” would have been totally inappropriate...







SONG TWENTY FIVE – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

Chacarron by El Mudo – I literally laughed for about 10 minutes the first time I watched “Batman on Drugs”. So now you know how poor my sense of humour is, feel free to never come on this Blog again...







SONG TWENTY SIX – A SONG THAT YOU CAN PLAY ON AN INSTRUMENT

I can play a hell of a lot of songs on Keyboard, and can play the Cowbell Solo in Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper” flawlessly. But really, I’m going to have to pick the first song I learnt to play on Bass Guitar, mainly because it gives me an excuse to post a badass montage video. It’s Robert Tepper’s “There’s No Easy Way Out”.







SONG TWENTY SEVEN – A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY


Portrait of Tracy by Jaco Pastorius, definitely.









SONG TWENTY EIGHT – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY

I honestly can’t think of why anyone would feel guilty whilst listening to a song; unless you stole the record from somebody, perhaps? So fuck it, here’s some Pink Floyd:







SONG TWENTY NINE – A SONG FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD

It had to be:








SONG THIRTY – YOUR FAVOURITE SONG THIS TIME LAST YEAR

My favourite song this time last year? Fucked if I know. I don’t even remember my favourite song last month. The fact that the only music posts I put up in April last year were on N-DUBZ and the Insane Clown Posse doesn’t really help, either. I guess I’m going to have to go with Jefferson Airplane’s “Somebody to Love”, simply because I remember listening to that on my way to Cambridge at Easter last year – but to be honest, it could have been just about anything...






You know, other than The Insane Clown Posse or N-DUBZ.






VOICE

Happy Post-Festivus, People! (A Christmassy Message About Being Pathetic)

Hey guys, it’s your friendly neighbourhood Voice from the Pillow, back once more after our brief holiday. Hope everyone had a great Christmas/Hanukkah, and I hope our Ba’hai friends have a great New Years when it does come round. Same goes for my Chinese homies – Mad props, boys. Keep the faith!






I’ve managed to accumulate a couple of presents this year which should hopefully be review worthy, so you can be expecting to see a few more reviews fairly soon (although I do have an essay for my Masters course due in on January 10th, so forgive me if the posting is a little light for the next couple of weeks). My younger brother bought me The Bad Lieutenant, which I’ve been trying to see since about May, so hopefully I’ll get a review of that posted once I’ve watched it; and also got me a copy of the remake of Inglorious Bastards, having bought me the original for Christmas last year, so you may see a review of that soon too. I also got the Frank Miller run on Batman (The Dark Knight Returns) from my older brother, and so I may post a review of that too, given the last comic review I did was on Halloween last year (unless you count that rant about Preacher). So, that’s January’s reviews pretty well laid out for you, but be sure to check in occasionally even if you aren’t interested in reading any of those, because I’ll almost certainly be posting musings, stories and politics articles as well, as I am wont to do, as well as possibly hitting the cinema or catching something on TV, as has happened on occasion with my reviews.



Today, however, I am still recovering from the standard Christmas excitement, so shall not be posting anything as complex as a review, but shall simply stick to a basic sociological/psychological discussion of something that’s been really confusing me.



Recently, I have seen a few posts like this on Facebook:





… and it makes me fear for the future of the human race. I mean, are people just not fucking any more?


Good Question...


Seriously, what’s the deal with posts like this? I remember once a couple of years ago some girl I had once worked with sent me a text asking what I thought of her, and giving options saying “I like you as a friend”, “I’d date you in a second”, “I’d marry you”, and other similarly ridiculous things, and my response was basically “why are you asking me this shit? If you want to get with me just come out and say it, because I can’t think of any other reason you would send a message like that”, and that’s exactly what I think when I see posts like this. Anyone posting this sort of status isn’t just doing it for the fun of it; I’m a fun loving motherfucker, and you don’t see me posting such questions on my Facebook page – the only reason anyone posts a status like that is because they’re “secretly” hoping that someone they want to get with is going to “like” it.



SINCE WHEN DID WE ALL BECOME THIS FUCKING PATHETIC?


This is apparently a legitimate fantasy in some people's lives. Some really sad people...


I mean, honestly, if there’s someone you’re into, why not just ask them out? Why not just give them a call, or a private message or something saying “hey, do you want to get together some time?”. How fucking difficult is that? Instead, we’re treated to a world where people are too scared to make a move on prospective mates, and so post statuses such as this, in the hopes that the other person will make the first move after reading it, and this will take the pressure off of them to do so. Only, that doesn’t happen, because what happens is the other person will be thinking “maybe this isn’t just directed at me? I’ll ‘like’ it, but if he wants to get with me, he’ll have to make the first move” (for simplicity’s sake, I’m assuming a man is posting the status, and is into a woman, though as I showed with my example earlier, it is just as likely to be the other way around), and thus leaves the original poster in the same position he was before. “Well, she ‘liked’ the status saying she would kiss me, but maybe that’s just because she wants to be friends and thinks it’s a bit of fun? After all, Gary ‘liked’ it, and I’m fairly sure he isn’t a homosexual. I really don’t want to private message her in case she was just having fun. I guess I’ll have to leave it.” STOP BEING SO FUCKING PATHETIC AND ASK HER OUT RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU, READING THIS, PICK UP THAT PHONE RIGHT NOW, AND FUCKING CALL HER UP, AND ASK HER OUT ON A DATE! ENOUGH OF THIS PUSSY-FOOTED FACEBOOK SHIT! MAN THE FUCK UP! Seriously, I don’t want to see any more of these messages on my news feed. Any guy who posts one is officially having their man-card revoked. After all, what’s so scary about asking a girl out? “Oh no, she might say ‘no’!” – What the fuck do you think will happen if you aren’t man enough to even ask her on a date? Do you really think she’ll suddenly decide to ask you out instead, or will she assume you’re not interested and get with the next half-decent guy to ask her on a date instead? I don’t study statistics, but I know which option I’d bet on…


This is possibly the only instance in which I disagree with the infinite knowledge of comedy T-Shirt manufacturers...


Sorry to tell it like it is, guys, but come on – I would love to have a girl in my life I was interested in, and wouldn’t waste the opportunity douching-it-up on Facebook. No offense…



I understand that's like saying "No offense, but you're a cunt", but work with me here, I am genuinely trying to give good advice, just not in a very pleasant manner...




That’s my opinion. Now, for a little extra trivia, if you’re wondering about the girl who sent me the aforementioned text: I ended up going on a date with her after, and kinda hitting it off (she was fairly cute, but not exactly a knockout). I agreed I’d come to her party a couple of weeks later, but then blew her off at the last second to do coursework and hang out with my Chinese buddies up in Pompey, and as revenge for this she got with some other dude at the party. She then decided not to mention this, and tried to hook up with me again, but I saw a message he’d left on her Facebook wall and was like “the fuck, bitch? You can’t make out with another dude and expect me to still be interested. We’ve only had one date.” – strange times.

Still, hopefully the people posting these messages will have more luck in the love department than I do (though I highly doubt it, given if you’re not confident enough to ask someone on a date, you’re gonna struggle even more working up the confidence to actually fuck them…). Though, presumably they’ll be more interested in the individual they’re after than I was in that instance. Girls, you know you’re not important to a guy when he blows off coming to your Birthday party to do coursework, so if that happens, get with some other dude; it’s the only way to ensure he’ll still be talking about you in a year’s time ;)



On second thoughts, he's probably even more likely to still be talking about you in a year's time if you get with another girl instead. Just a suggestion...




And now that I’ve severely depressed some of you, in an effort to prevent another holiday-period suicide, here is U2, with a special message for you, Mr. Suicidal:





Have a great bank-holiday Monday and Tuesday, everyone!




Voice




Sorry to anyone linked to this page by searching for "girls kissing" on Google images. I apologise unreservedly for the inconvenience. Here's a link to some porn: enjoy.






UPDATE (01/01/11):



UPDATE 2 (05/01/11): Guess I'm not the only one...

http://failbook.failblog.org/2011/01/05/funny-facebook-fails-21/#comments