Total Recall (2012)

So I guess my theme for March is complaining about movies due to come out this year, which are going to totally ruin things I previously liked. I intentionally stayed away from last year's adaptation of "The Thing" on the assumption that it would ruin both the original John Carpenter movie, as well as Warrior, because I would never be able to look at Joel Edgerton again without wanting him to die horribly for condoning (by starring in) such a remake. So, I've already complained about the cast of Les Miserables, now it's time to kick things up a notch and complain about the mere existence of a movie regardless of who is in it or who is at the helm: Why the fuck are they remaking Total Recall?

Now, the weird thing is, I'm not an overly massive fan of Total Recall. As far as Philip K. Dick adaptations go, it ranked behind both 'Blade Runner' and 'A Scanner Darkly'. As far as Schwarzenegger movies go, it wasn't close to 'Predator' or 'Terminator' - hell, it was more on a par with films like 'Commando' or 'Eraser'. And as far as Paul Verhoeven films in which Michael Ironside loses at least 2 limbs go, it was by far my least favourite.

Did you find that video I made about Prisoners rights funny, Rico? Because I'm not sure anyone got the fucking joke...

However, it was still an enjoyable 80s Sci-fi action romp, and it had a lot going for it. It had the classic Philip K. Dick mindfuck-style ending - what's real, and what isn't? (I still have trouble explaining to people that in Minority Report there's a good chance he's still in the prison having his brain pacified into thinking he solved everything so he doesn't want to escape, and I've only seen the fucking movie once). It has the political undertones which were present in Blade Runner, however they have been brought far more to the forefront, with a lot of the action revolving around the rights of the poor to have access to the most basic survival requirements without having to shell out for it (again, this ties back in with Les Miserables). Not only that, but it has Verhoeven's distinctive style, combined with classic Schwarzenegger - plus, Michael fucking Ironside is in it as the slimy bad guy! What's not to like?

Yes, I am just dumping my fap folder. You caught me.

And to top it all off - it was the very first movie I ever watched in which someone was shot through the head - and a woman at that! (I may have watched it at a sleepover sometime in the 90s without my parents knowing...) Seriously, up until I saw this film, I didn't think they were allowed to show that on film. I genuinely didn't.

It was also the first movie I watched which featured a woman with 3 boobs. Oh wait, the ONLY movie I've watched to feature that...

But watching the newly released teaser trailer for the 2012 "reboot" (why the fuck not call it a "remake"? Are they planning on making a whole series, or are people still trying to cash in on Batman Begins?), I really am not looking forward to this film. It looks as though it's going to be yet another CGI fest (something Verhoeven must have gone out of his way to avoid, making so much of the original using actual models and make-up effects - not that I mind when he goes CGI crazy, of course, Starship Troopers being my favourite of his films), this time taking the unused footage from "The Fifth Element" (great fucking movie) and muting the colours to make it seem "more dark and brooding"...

Tell me that's not the taxi chase scene from The Fifth Element. I dare you motherfucker, I double dare ya!

The "updated" vision of the future also looks far less interesting than Verhoeven's, with iRobot looking androids and Fifth-Element cars set over a Blade Runner backdrop, nothing here looks original. It looks as though they've just taken things they liked from decent sci-fi movies (implying iRobot is good) and tried to cram them all in, in the hopes they fit together nicely. Hell, I can even see a bit of "The One" in the gun we see Colin Farrell holding in the trailer (though the one in the poster is a little more Robocop, I'll give them that).

Unbelievably, whilst looking for an image of Robocop to add here, I stumbled across the fact they're remaking THAT film as well. un-fucking-believable.

And you know what? I know I said I wasn't gonna make this about the cast, but really? Colin Farrell in Arnold's place? That's gonna require the entire story be changed to fit around him, because there's no way he can fill Arnold's shoes. He may be a better actor on a technical level, but in a shoot-em up sci-fi action romp like this, we want our heroes to be the Arnold type character. We need Quaid to appear sympathetic towards the plight of the people struggling to live on Mars under the cruel dictatorship to the extent we can believe he would help the rebellion, true. But at the same time, we also need a guy who's happy to start a firefight on an escalator with 15 people between him and the guy he's shooting at. And you know what the absolute most ridiculous thing about this is? They considered offering the role to Tom Hardy, but cast Colin Farrell instead - because clearly Farrell will be better at taking over a Schwarzenegger role than Tom Hardy would have been.

luckily he's a bit more built now, and come out of his Michael Jackson phase...

And speaking of stuggling to fill another actor's shoes, I notice that no-one is yet credited on the IMDB page as playing Richter, which leads me to assume the part will either not exist, or will be played by the only actor to appear on the cast list who doesn't already have a designated character, Ethan Hawke:





Now don't get me wrong, even though he's a pretty boy, I accept Ethan Hawke can act. But to replace Michael Ironside? Unthinkable! Hell, since I've already used the "stepping into his shoes" analogy, I might as well wrap this up with a lame pun and say the only occasion when Ethan Hawke could possibly fill Michael Ironside's shoes is in this scene:

See, it's funny because he doesn't have legs...

As far as casting goes, I think Kate Beckinsale as Lori (Sharon Stone) is the only really interesting choice, and even then I note that the director of this new adaptation is HER FUCKING HUSBAND, which could explain why she got the part. Still, some of the other characters might yet come off, such as Bill Nighy as Kuato (same sort of territory here as we had with Baron Cohen in Les Mis, could be brilliant, could be terrible), and although I would rather see her as the three breasted woman, I suppose I can't knock Jessica Biel as Melina, since I did give the last Philip K. Dick adaptation she was in 3 stars based solely on the fact that I think she's hot.

I mean, seriously, this girl is retardedly hot, and not just because she's been photoshopped to fuck in this picture. Well, ok, maybe that is the reason. But still, it's hot, right?

The fact that the poster itself actually says "what is real?" as the tag line also really bothers me, because although that is the main theme of the film (Quaid trying to find out if he is actually Quaid, or is in fact Hauser), I preferred having this sneak up on me so you don't get the real revelation until he's sitting in the chair watching a recorded message of himself revealing the plan. Plus, it kind of hints at the twist ending as well, which you don't really want on the poster. Now, granted, it's still a step up from the tagline "Titans will Clash" on the "Clash of the Titans" poster, but what was wrong with the original tagline "Get Ready for the Ride of your Life?". Or, as an in-joke, why not put the tagline on the poster as "I'll see you at the party"?

And another thing. Here's the synopsis, straight from the IMDB page (look it up if you don't believe me): As the nation states Euromerica and New Shanghai vie for supremacy, a factory worker (Farrell) begins to suspect that he's a spy, though he is unaware which side of the fight he's on.


>Euromerica
>New Shanghai


For fuck's sake - why the fuck isn't it set on Mars? Enough with this corporations as states shit already. 1984 was enough, and Mutant Chronicles was certainly enough...





So to sum up, I don't know what they're thinking with this remake, and I'm starting to get really worried about what other films they're going to be ruining this year. I also notice that they've got no further with the Splinter Cell film which was announced over a year ago - but then again having seen what they've done to this film, I'm terrified as fuck they'd cast John Cena as Sam Fisher and Mos Def as Lambert....




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I Think I Just Came...

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE CONSISTS OF NOTHING MORE THAN ONE MASSIVE FANBOY RANT.






AWWWWW YEEEEAH!!!!!


It’s official, people – They’re making a movie of my favourite video game series, Splinter Cell. If you recall, at the end of my review of “The Other Guys” I suggested that the $90 million they put into that film should have instead gone into funding the Splinter Cell movie, and it looks like someone took my advice (though, too late to stop ‘The Other Guys’ from existing, unfortunately).

The film is slated for release in 2013, and will be the third Tom Clancy film to be released over the coming 2 year period, along with a new Jack Ryan film, and a Rainbow Six movie. Does life get any better than this?



Not even close, Ladies.


Whilst there are many questions which need to be answered regarding this project – who will direct it? Will it be based on one of the games, or will it be an original script? Which game will it be based off of if it is based on one? - The real talk at this stage is, of course, on who will play Sam Fisher.


Option #1 - Gorgeous George




As you may remember (especially if you followed the link I gave above), I was advocating that George Clooney play the part of Fisher. He’s done some action movies before, so can definitely pull off the tough-guy act, even if a stunt double is required for the half-split jumps. Not only this, but he has the right sort of facial structure, too – a combination of the classic all-American hero look, with a softer, more distinguished appeal which whilst making him appear more classically handsome does not diminish his overall rugged appearance. Plus the grey hair and short stubble look really suits Clooney, as we all know. But my main reason for picking George? He’s the right age (My ‘Chaos Theory’ Manual informs me Fisher was born in 1957, whilst IMDB says Clooney was born in 1961. Bear in mind that Chaos Theory was set in 2008, and Clooney is exactly the right age). I would hate to see Splinter Cell remade with a young guy playing Fisher, because one of the things I most loved about the character was that he was an old guy with a daughter who was called back into service because in a world where the intelligence services are full of computer nerds who know how to hack algorithms, there was still a need for a hands-on tough guy who could get to the info that wasn’t just online, and grab targets without the need for a Delta team to be sent in. That said, however, I am prepared to discuss other potential actors for the part.



Option #2 - The Original Sam Fisher




Whilst Michael Ironside is absolutely perfect for the voice of Fisher, I feel that he may, unfortunately, be too old for the part (though he is only 11 years older than Clooney). I also feel that Ironside may not be quite so convincing in such an athletic part, because although he does look tough, he looks more like a brawler than a “stealth ninja”. I also feel that people may have gotten too used to seeing him as either a bad guy, or an insane Lieutenant who has some pretty cool dialogue, and would therefore find it hard to relate to Ironside if he was actually on-screen, rather than just providing a voice. Points to him for being exactly the right height, though.



Option #3 - The Guy Who Played a Very Similar Part in that Other Movie...




My next choice for the part would have to be Liev Schreiber, who by 2013 will be only 1 year younger than Sam was in the original game (set in 2004). The reason I like Schreiber for the part is due to his turn as Clark in The Sum of All Fears (though he was awesome in Defiance as well). Clark is a very similar character to Fisher – a hard as nails stealth agent with a dark sense of humour. However, the reason I like Schreiber for the part is, unfortunately, the exact reason why I can’t back him to play Sam: Schreiber has to play Clark in ‘Without Remorse’ and ‘Rainbow Six’, I just don’t see anyone else being able to play the part. I mean, sure, Willem Dafoe played Clark in ‘Clear and Present Danger’, but that was a semi-retired, older Clark who wasn’t on active duty. Clark is the leader of Rainbow Six, the most elite SWAT-style spec-ops unit on the planet; he has to be a total badass, and Liev Schreiber can definitely deliver. I am therefore asking that the producers of these films do not ask Schreiber to play Fisher, but instead recast him as Clark for the other two films. Yes, I realize that they are probably not all being produced by the same company, but you guys can still work together to give the people what they want - what they NEED - right?





Plus, Schreiber might actually be a bit too big to play Fisher, being 6’3” and built like a brick shithouse.






Option #4 - The IMDB Users' Choices




Some people on IMDB are calling for Clive Owen and Gerard Butler to play the part. Now, I have to completely disagree with Clive, owing to the fact that he cannot do an American accent for shit, and his delivery is too dull for Fisher, who has a more coarse voice (though, admittedly, Owen has the pitch dead on). I also cannot see him in a stealth suit climbing walls and pipes and doing the whole ninja-bit, because he’s just too suave for that sort of thing, damn it! (Ed: And Clooney isn’t?). Butler, however, I can kind of see in the part, given he looks a bit like Fisher:


Photoshop Courtesy of Steve a.k.a "PurpleApe".


I can also see him being very capable of doing all the physical stunts, and he certainly has the right body for Fisher (even if he is just a little on the tall side), so undoubtedly has the look down. I am a bit worried about his accent, though, as I’ve not heard him do an American accent. I am also a bit concerned that the producers would completely change the story to appeal more to the ‘300’ crowd if Butler was in it, too, so would have to be sure the character would not change to be more in-your-face and angry if he was cast. Also, it had better not have loads of slowing-down and speeding-up fight scenes, unless the director wants to die. But still, I can get behind butler in the part.



Option #5 - The Goddamn Punisher!




He was awesome in War Zone and The Book of Eli. If only Ray Steenson hadn't been in The Other Guys - then I could recommend him for the part of Sam Fisher. but then again, he has the same problem as Schreiber - he's just too God Damn big! Although, if he were cast as Fisher, we could always bring in Denzel to play Lambert, which would be pretty sweet.



I completely forgot these two had also done a movie together.



Option #6 - That Other Guy Who was Also in Someting Else Playing a Similar Character.





Kiefer Sutherland is also, of course, a candidate, and I feel he would be able to play the part very well indeed. The only problem is that everyone’s so used to seeing him as Jack Bauer that they won’t be able to take the movie seriously – they’ll just think it’s a story about Bauer’s special forces days. Don’t believe me? I was watching ‘The Sentinel’ with a friend (don’t ask), and when we are first looking around Michael Douglas’s apartment, we see a photo of his character with Kiefer Sutherland’s on his desk, and my friend literally said “Ha! There’s a picture of him with Jack Bauer! They must have put that in as a tribute to 24, or something”. Of course, it wasn’t a 24 reference, and Kiefer just happened to be acting in the film as well - but that’s all anyone associates him with. And that’s Kiefer’s problem – if it weren’t for 24 I would never have considered him for the role of Fisher (since the only other movies I’ve seen him in are things like ‘The Lost Boys’ and ‘A few Good Men’), but because he’s too well known for 24, he can’t possibly play another special forces character like Fisher.

On the subject of Bauer, though, I have a good suggestion for the actor to play Irving Lambert. Obviously Don Jordan, who voiced Lambert in every Splinter Cell game but Pandora Tomorrow cannot play Lambert, owing to the fact he looks like this:





However, you know who voiced Lambert in Pandora tomorrow? A man who not only worked with Kiefer Sutherland in 24, but who also narrated the Call of Duty games. That’s right – Dennis motherfucking Haysbert.





Dennis Haysbert is actually closer to the age I imagined Lambert to be whilst playing the games, as opposed to what the instruction manuals say (there’s about a ten year discrepancy). Not only that, but at 6’4” (and a half, according to IMDB), he also has the same dominating presence as Lambert. Plus, we already know he has the ideal voice for the part, having already played the character once before. In fact, I’m gonna say definitely on this one that Dennis Haysbert is the man I want to see in the part. He’s proven he can still do action with shows like ‘The Unit’, and more than proved his acting worth in ‘24’. In fact, you know what? I’m calling it right now. Clooney and Haysbert for Fisher and Lambert in Splinter Cell. I’m gonna start circulating a petition for this shit.



Oh wait, I forgot I'm incredibly Lazy.




Voice.



And for what it’s worth, I reckon Tanoai Reed could pull off a pretty good Sam(oan) Fisher, judging from his skills in this video (first kill after about 2:25).

Why Prisoners Shouldn't be Allowed the Vote (Video)

This week it was announced that David Cameron has decided to give in to a ruling from the European Court of Human Rights to allow prisoners in the UK the right to vote. This has caused outrage online, with a lot of people attacking John Hirst, the lawyer and ex-con who brought the case against the UK Government, over the issue. I decided that, as a man deeply involved in politics, it was my duty to tell people my opinion on the matter, so here it is, my explanation why prisoners should NOT be allowed the vote:







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p.s. first person to mention the yellow wall dies... unless, you know, it's complimentary.