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Thursday, 22 April 2010

How to Win an Election: Campaign Posters the Parties SHOULD be Running... (Text & Pictures)

Whilst some people may resot to writing intelligent, well thought-out and somewhat inspiring Blog Posts in the run up to the May 6th general election, I can assure you that we at Voice From the Pillow (just me, then) are above such statements - because we all know that elections are won on one thing, and one thing only: Posters.

In light of this fact, I have decided to help out the major parties running in the election, by creating a series of campaign posters they can use, which should help them all win over public opinion in the demographic they most need: The youth vote.




CONSERVATIVES

The conservatives are running a fairly solid campaign to win votes from those who despise Chav culture - by promising to cut benefits to those who refuse to work, and increasing the benefits paid to married families with children. Whilst this is winning them support from the upper classes, and more traditional families, however, it still has not attracted votes from every group the Tory spin-doctors had anticipated - with Chav culture's greatest enemies still holding out on the vote. I am, of course, referring to Emos.



In light of this, I recommend Cameron goes after the Emo vote, as this demographc is still wide open, with no politicians yet speaking directly to them. Whilst he would have to make a few policy changes - for example, reducing taxes on make-up and hair-dye, and maybe changing the national anthem to "Desolation Row" (MCR version to get the Psuedo-Goth vote as well), I believe that he can quite easily win the Emos over with a simple modification to the campaign poster the Tories already have in use:



can easily be changed to this:




With little hastle, and secure the emo vote for the Tories.




LABOUR

Labour recently made one of the worst mistakes in Election Campaign history when they released this poster of David Cameron as Gene Hunt from the TV series "Ashes to Ashes" (See the Quattro? He didn't have that in "Life on Mars" - stupid journalists...):



The poster was meant to be a reference to he gross injustices of the Thatcher period, of which DCI Gene Hunt, the rough and ready copper, is the perfect symbol. The problem is, in the shows "Life on Mars" and "Ashes to Ashes", Gene Hunt was often see as being the kind of copper we wish we had these days - a man who doesn't care about red tape or bureaucracy, and just gets the job done. On top of this, suggesting Cameron is like Gene Hunt also gives the man, an Eton graduate and "Posh Boy", the working class credit he needs - making this a double whammy against Labour.

Not to worry, though! I can sort this one out in a second. It is clear Labour want to portray the Tories as being a symbol of the past, and suggest that whilst the Tories are stuck in the 1980s, it is Labour who are really bringing the country forward. They therefore need to use an image that is not only synonymous with the period, but does not have the positive connotations of the Gene Hunt picture, either. They also need an image that youngsters who are voting for the first time will recognise - someone famous. But the person they use must be chosen carefully. It has to be an image of a rich, evil prick, who cares more about money than anything else, and would happily shoot a working class immigrant just for marrying a woman of higher social standing. Hmm... are you thinking what we're thinking? (Get it?)




May I also recommend a caption reading "get off my croquet lawn, peasants!"?


"Push it to the Limit" would also make a good election campaign song...




LIBERAL DEMOCRATS

Having recently stormed ahead in the polls, following last week's televised leaders debate on ITV (I didn't watch it), The Liberal Democrats look set to break the two-party hegemony (thanks, Mike!) that has been a plague to British politics for almost a century now.

But the Lib Dems have one key problem - No one knows who the hell Nick Clegg is. He's a nobody. When I went on google images and searched for "Liberal Democrats Campaign Poster", do you know what I got?


That's right - 9 Pictures of Charles Kennedy, and not one of Nick Clegg:



As Obama will tell you, personalities are what win elections, not policies. And if no-one knows who you are, you don't stand a chance. Unfortunately, we are now at a point that no matter how many posters of nick Clegg are plastered around the country, he is not well recognised enough to win the election. The only solution? CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT.


The problem here is that the celebrity can't be some giant mega-star who likes to nose his way into politics, oherwise people may get annoyed at the perceived attempt to tell them what to do, and will feel they are being treated like idiots - Oh, George Clooney thinks I should do this so I will? Pfff... not likely!



Try telling that to your Nespresso machine, genius.

No, what we need is more of an indie star that young people like, but doesn't talk much about his private life, and isn't overly involved in politics, although is Liberal-leaning. Preferably someone ethnic - or better still, of mixed heritage...


I'm thinking Jemaine Clement?



That's got my vote, all right...



But I'm getting ahead of myself. After all, the three major parties aren't the ones that really need help. No, it's the smaller parties who will need the most work on their campaigns to guarantee them seats. I shall therefore offer advice to a few of the other parties, as well:


British National Party

Liberals are accusing theBNP of being racist and homophobic. Roll with it! If you're the only through-and-through racist party running, you're bound to clean up on the neo-Nazi votes!

For the poster, I recommend a celebrity endorsement again, just as with the Lib Dems. Now, of course, there are many seemingly racist celebrities out there to choose from, but only one out-and-out racist who people recognise and respect:



Now, I know what you're thinking - "But Mel Gibson's Australian - how can he possibly be the poster boy for the British National Party?". But you're forgetting; not only is Gibson a racist, but he's also decended from British exhiles who were almost certainly kicked out of the country when they complained about Indians being allowed to fight in the British Army! And not only that, but since the Lib Dems will almost certainly adopt the poster suggested above, featuring Kiwi on it, Gibson is the perfect counter-argument to their campaign, because not only does he hate dark people, but (being an Aussie) he also hates people from New Zealand - which covers all of Clement's heritage! He's perfect!



SOCIALIST WORKERS PARTY

Again, at this level in politics, and with a leader no-one recognises, the SWP will have to go with the celebrity endorsement - but the question remains: "Who?"

Originally, I was feeling Springsteen. The Boss was born down in a dead man's town, and is a true symbol of what it means to be "working class", an image the SWP really need to get across in order to obtain both the working class vote, and the middle-class college-aged douchebag vote (right here!). However, ever since Reagan bastardised the song "Born in the USA" for use in his 1987 election campaign, Springsteen is off the table, due to the right-wing connotations of using the same song as Reagan (no matter how retarded Reagan's use of the song was - Bloody Americans, not paying any attention to the lyrics). I therefore suggest the SWP go with the following:



If you've ever actually listened to the lyrics of "Living on a Prayer", then you'll now the story told is one of te most working-class tales ever put to music. But at the same time, the hope present in the song lets us know that it doesn't really matter if we make it or not, we've got each other, and that's a lot. For love, we'll give it a shot. I think that's a really important message, don't you? And an election winner if I ever saw one!



GREEN PARTY





Need I say more?



Although, on reflection, I think having a half naked woman centre stage rather than a guy may go down slightly better, on the assumption that TV and the internet tell me all women are bi, but only 1 in 10 men are gay or bi...



Voice

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