Battlefield: Bad Company 2:Vietnam Review (Text)

The Vietnam war may have been one of the greatest military fuck-ups ever on the side of the Americans, and to this day still eclipses the utter cluster-fucks that are the Iraq war and the war in Afghanistan, but it sure has given us some sweet films and music. But now, we have a game dedicated to this infamous military action, and I spent most of yesterday playing it. So, since the banner of this site states that it is a Blog which contains “musings and reviews on music, games, films and life”, and I have not, as yet, reviewed a single game, I think it’s about time to dig into Battlefield: Bad Company 2: Vietnam. Enjoy!





“Vietnam” is a downloadable expansion for the game ‘Battlefield: Bad Company 2’ which was released yesterday. It does not contain a campaign mode, which was a little disappointing, as I could imagine how good they could make a campaign set in Vietnam and was just itching to play through it. However, it does contain some awesome online multiplayer games.

Although they did not introduce any new game types for “Vietnam”, the new maps they have brought in are very expansive, and great fun to play on. I started playing the game at around 3 yesterday afternoon, and by that point it was clear that most of the people I was playing against had already managed to familiarize themselves with the maps. However, after dying about 5 times without getting any kills, I caught up pretty quickly, and was soon moving through the landscape with as much ease as I have become accustomed to doing on Bad Company 2’s regular maps. Although the maps are all restricted to being Vietnam-based, and there are therefore no snowy or desert maps, the actual landscapes in them change enough that each map has its own unique feel; some are based around rivers and lakes with cliff-sides to fight on, another is based around fighting in villages and rice fields, and yet another is based in the jungle, fighting around the ruin of an ancient temple (possibly inspired by Apocalypse Now?). There is even a map where the Vietnamese side start on an already-napalmed hillside, and have to fight off the Americans taking cover amongst the smoldering remains of trees, and a destroyed landscape. Given how limited their location options were, the makers seem to have made the most of this, and given us a great range of maps (I was only able to play the 4 standard maps, and not the extra unlockable one).

Whilst the modes are pretty basic, with the standard “Deathmatch” and “Team Deathmatch” options being available, I had a lot of fun battling it out with numerous others on the “Team Rush” game mode, which was always the most enjoyable game mode in Battlefield: Bad Company. I never could be bothered with “capture the flag” in the Call of Duty Games, but I personally feel “Rush” is one of the most exciting games there is online, and should be made standard on all war-scenario games. The skill in assaulting a base and placing charges on a key console (or other such target), then having to defend it as the charge counts down provides limitless fun, as it gives you both an attacking and defending role no matter which side you are on (so ‘attackers’ will attack the console to plant charges, then defend it as they wait for it to explode, and ‘defenders’ will do the opposite). In fact, the only time I’ve ever had a problem with this game mode was when I played a team who destroyed all the cover around one of the bases we were attacking, then set themselves up on all the ridges with sniper rifles, and shot everyone who ventured into the clearing.


Bastards!


They were able to do this thanks to my favourite feature in the Battlefield: Bad Company series; the fact that you can destroy pretty well anything. In the ‘Call of Duty’ games, you can destroy the odd wall by shooting at it, or knock down the odd tree, but in “Battlefield: Bad Company”, you can literally destroy entire buildings. You can destroy obstacles such as walls, fences and sandbags, and can level entire forests with the right weaponary. This makes it much harder for people to just ‘camp’, and makes the game infinitely more interesting. In one round in non-Vietnam Bad Company 2, I once sat at the top of a staircase the enemy had to come up to place charges (in “Rush” mode), and just shot everyone who came up. In Call of Duty, they wouldn’t have been able to kill me, as no-one could get a line of sight on me without coming into my firing range, and everyone would have cursed me as a “camping bitch”. In Battlefield, however, all that happened was that after I had killed 6 guys or so, someone blew up the wall of the building behind me with an RPG, and then shot me in the back. And had that not worked they could have blown up every wall of the building to leave me essentially in the open. No other game does this, and this is what I love about Bad Company 2. And Vietnam is no exception, keeping this function in, and allowing complete destruction of any shacks or buildings you may come across (apart from very large or key buildings, like the temple ruins). They did, however, restrict the damage slightly, so it takes a bit more firepower to destroy a wooden building than it would have in non-Vietnam mode, and also makes it impossible to slash through bamboo with a knife, which is a little disappointing, but it is still great to see the function surviving, in spite of the fact Call of Duty does not include it yet outsells Battlefield by miles.


You still get faggots camping by spawn points, though...



Fuck you.


The graphics on Vietnam are also spectacular, with the same basic graphics as Bad Company 2, but with the odd change. Whilst mountains on the horizon are looking a bit more pixilated in Vietnam than they were in the regular game, they have improved the close-up visuals on plants and people so that the near details are far-superior, and now don’t look like 2-dimensional objects as they sometimes did before. The water animation is still the best graphics in the game, as it was in the regular version, with some of the streams looking real, and a setting sun going down over a river in one of the maps looks phenomenal. In terms of Graphics, this blows Black Ops out the water by miles, and I suspect probably rapes Medal of Honour’s graphics too (though I haven’t actually played it yet). In fact, the graphics in Bad Company 2 have to be some of the best I have ever seen. They are just peachy.

There are a number of different or modified weapons in Vietnam to what there are in the regular version of Bad Company 2 as well, which makes things a bit more interesting. We have the standard M16 and AK47 as the main assault weapons of each side, and the number of weapons per side seems to be balanced out about perfectly, with each side having suitable assault weapons, sniper rifles, LMGs and sidearms. This, however, does not matter, as each side can pick any weapon they wish, and do not have to stick to their own team’s weapons (which makes sense, as both sides could capture each others weapons in a war). I was slightly annoyed by this, as I would have liked both sides to have different weapons, and can’t imagine it would be that hard to balance them out and make each side even, but I suppose lacking a campaign mode, that sort of thing really isn’t important, as you’re playing against people with varying degrees of weapon unlocked anyway.

The weapons can still be customized as before, with scopes, extra mags, more damaging bullets, etc. But one of the best features they have brought in for the new guns is that you can now get a classic wood-stocked M14, rather than the synthetic sniper version from the regular version of the game, and it is now fully-automatic, as it was when it was actually in service in Vietnam. Whilst I favoured the higher capacity of the M16, it was still cool to see a full-auto M14 in action, and the sound of one going off was incredible.

Whilst we’re on the subject, the sound in this game is phenomenal. Playing with surround sound on, it is possible to hear exactly where gunfire is coming from and hitting, and exactly how close it is. The “ringing in your ears” you experience and muffled sounds after explosions is also incredible, and it’s great to see how far we’ve come since we first experienced this sort of thing in “Call of Duty: Finest Hour”. Another great feature about the sound is also the music which plays sometimes during the game. When you access the Vietnam title screen on the Bad Company 2 menu, you are greeted by the sound of Creedence Clearwater Revival’s “Fortunate Son”, and this really helps set the tone for the game, and gives that super-cool Vietnam feeling we all know. In fact, the only better songs I could think of for a Vietnam theme are Jimi Hendrix’s version of “All Along the Watchtower”, and “Time of the Season” by The Zombies, which we all know from this epic Vietnam scene:





Throughout the actual game we also get snippets of music, coming from radios, speakers on tanks, and other such devices. The very best of these, however, came when I heard the rotor blades of a helicopter flying overhead, and through the din, heard the familiar sounds of “Ride of the Valkyries” (from Wagner’s ‘Die Walküre’). This Apocalypse Now inspired moment was one of the greatest in-game tributes I have ever heard, and brought a real smile to my face. It was great, because it was clearly an homage, unlike “World at War”, where the Stalingrad scenes where you are firstly in a fountain surrounded by dead bodies and have to snipe Germans as explosions go off, and then go into a building containing mannequins and have to have a shoot-out with an elite German sniper, just seem like a plain rip-off of Enemy at the Gate. Not to rant on about it too much, but it seems as though Treyarch just thought “no-one in America is going to have watched a British film about the war on the Eastern Front, we can steal all we want from it and no-one will mind” as opposed to actually just paying homage to it. I wouldn’t have cared if they’d actually called the characters “Vasily Zaytsev” and “Commissar what’s-his-face. You know, Joseph Fiennes’ character? … You know, the guy from Flash Forward and Shakespeare in Love?... You know, Voldemort’s Borther?” “Oh, him. Yeah!”, but they didn’t. Still, you have to admire the Call of Duty guys for one thing, they sure can pick a fucking voice cast.



Gary Oldman doesn't get a picure?


The new vehicles available are a cool addition as well, with Huey helicopters appearing in a couple of the maps. I also had the Americans use an airstrike against my team once when I was Playing as the NVA/VC, but I have no idea how they unlocked that, since I got kill streaks of 10-15 multiple times and didn't unlock anything. That said, I never was a fan of the way you unlock harriers and such on COD, so am not all that bothered I never got one. Regardless of whether or not it detracts from the gameplay, though, it looks cool as shit seeing a bomber fly in and blow the living fuck out of everything in an area - definitely a good addition from that perspective.

A slight fault in the game is that they seem to have either downgraded the power of rockets, or upgraded the armour of tanks (judging by the lessened destruction of buildings caused by RPGs, I’m guessing they downgraded the power of rockets). This is fine if you’re in a tank, but is annoying as anything if you’re outside of one. In one streak between kills, I first managed to get the enemy out of a tank, then got in myself as the driver and killed 8 enemy soldiers, then got out of the tank and deactivated a charged placed on one of my bases, shot all the enemy soldiers around that base with my M16, then got back on the tank, this time on the machine gun, and killed another 5 or 6 enemies with that before finally being taken down by two RPGs that hit at the exact same time. I think I got about 3 streak achievements for that, and God knows how many points, without ever leaving the one tiny village that “Base A” was located in.

I also found some sight difficulty with the aiming, and once shot an enemy in the centre of the torso, but did not have a hit register, in spite of the fact there’s no way the shot could have missed. I also found myself having to put entire magazines into enemies to kill them at times (3 round bursts, naturally, so the gun doesn’t rise too much) because the targeting seemed a bit off at times, but it was fairly good throughout most of the time I was playing, with only the occasional glitch.

Another thing I didn’t like was how everyone started at the rank they had achieved in Bad Company 2, so if you had unlocked all the weapons in that game, you automatically had every weapon unlocked in Vietnam. I think that if they had made it so we had to work back up through the ranks again, it would have felt more like a seperate game, rather than just a couple of map add-ons, and so would have made it feel like more of an experience, and therefore more worth the money (1200 gamer points).

Aside from this, however, it is a great add-on, with the only real flaw being that you can’t have 2 people playing multiplayer on the same console, which so many games come with as standard nowadays. However, as an online game for one person, I believe that Bad Company 2 is just about unbeatable (well, for 1st person shooters, anyway) and Vietnam is a great variation on it.

The last thing I want to say is that I also tried out the “Onslaught” mode for the non-Vietnam Battlefield Bad Company 2, and it was great to see a scenario where you could play with 3 other people against computer-controlled opponents just like a co-op story mode. Not only this, but you still got points for killing the computer controlled enemies, and I managed to rack up an amazing kill streak owing to the fact that they are easier to kill than actual people (in general, obviously not N00BZ). So, if you are thinking of getting Bad Company 2, download “onslaught” as well (400 GC) to get your level up before you hit up “Rush” or “Deathmatch” modes.



Rating:


****

4 stars



One of the best upgrades to a game I’ve seen in a while, and certainly deserving of a 5 star rating. Vietnam brings 5 new maps to the game, and also sets an interesting theme for the gamer, with weapons and characters. It’s also nice to see an upgrade which isn’t about Zombies for once. It’s just a shame there isn’t a campaign mode available on Vietnam, or the ability for 2 friends to play on the same machine. Other than that, however, this upgrade is near flawless, and definitely worth the points.



Voice

Next: Review (Plus introduction message for all you perverts out there).

Now, I’m not judging you. I’m pleased about the increased traffic coming to this site. Really, I am. I went from averaging 1,700 - 2,000 views per month over the last quarter to over 4,000 views in the first 20 days of December, and I am truly thankful for the support. It’s just that, well, I get a little concerned when I go to check my traffic sources, and see this in my ‘Search Keywords’ section for the past week:




In fact, ‘Lazy Town Porn’ has been such a popular search that it’s now ranked on the ‘All Time’ list for searches that have brought people to the site, right behind ‘Hugh Laurie’, ‘Hugh Laurie (in Russian)’, ‘Ellen Page’ and ‘Steven Seagal’.




Seriously, ‘Lazy Town Porn’ is effectively the fourth most popular search to bring people to this site, and the first time I ever mentioned Lazy Town was in the last article I posted, less than 2 weeks ago. Are there really that many people out there searching for pornographic images of a Children’s cartoon that it can get to 4th place on my All Time Keyword Searches for Traffic Sources in 2 fucking weeks? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING PEOPLE?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I know most of these people are probably just looking for a comedy video or article relating to the subject, rather than an actual porn video to get off on. But at least some of these people genuinely want to have a tug over some Lazy Town action. And that’s not right. I’ve often joked about doing various sexually deviant acts in my articles, and I suppose a guy who did a crude photoshop (read: edited in Microsoft Paint) of Hannah Montana in the bath and stated that he would shag Ellen Page in spite of the fact that this would totally make him a paedophile because she looks about 13, can’t really get all that worked up about people searching for Lazy Town porn online, but damn it, don’t bring that filth onto my site! You’re making me regret ever including that section in my Clockwork Orange post.

So, in light of this, I shall be taking the tone of this article in a very different direction. We shall not be focusing on sexually deviant acts involving young pink haired girls and guys named Sportacus, nor shall we post pictures of said people on this site ever again. In fact, from now on, we’re going to stick to doing proper, intelligent, informative reviews, with no more of this obsession with sex and stalking and other such nonsense I used to post before I found enlightenment.



Right after a discussion of Jessica Biel’s tits.





Now, I’m not the kind of guy to rate a movie based on the hotness of its female lead (which is probably technically Julianne Moore in this situation anyway). You’ll never hear me state that an otherwise crap movie was “All right – cos it’s got tits in” (hence I actually dissed ‘Shoot ‘Em Up’ a while back in spite of the fact that I know Clive Owen. And by ‘know’ I mean he borrowed my coat. Once. Years ago… for his daughter to wear), and I stick to those principles. You should never judge a movie simply on whether or not there’s a hot girl in it; otherwise you get retarded things happening like Transformers selling more copies than Reservoir Dogs (more on this in a bit). However, in this case, I feel obligated to pick up on this point, because I want to know when the fuck Jessica Biel got so damn fit!


"I think I just filled the cup."


Seriously, I saw her in things like “The Illusionist” and “Blade: Trinity” and thought she was kinda hot, but since then she seems to have grown the most amazing set of boobs ever and stolen a black woman’s butt whilst keeping her waist as thin as it ever was. What the hell? I mean, she used to be almost flat-chested as far as I remember, and now she’s… Well, she’s looking incredible. There’s some hope for Kiera Knightley yet!


Imagine that face on a womans body - Daaaaamn!!!


Now, back to what I was saying about Transformers earlier, because this is really the point I was trying to make with this: I know loads of guys who say that Megan Fox is the hottest girl in the world, and have basically only watched the Transformers movies because she was in them and they wanted to perve on her, but how can she have the title for overall sexiest woman when she doesn’t even win in her own category?


Though that's not to say I wouldn't... I SO FUCKING WOULD!


Seriously, if you split women into different categories and pick the hottest in each, you get a great way to shortlist candidates for the ‘Hottest Woman in the World’ title. So, we can have a category for very tall women, in which Anne Dudek will obviously be the winner (Although Miranda Hart is a close second, the saucy minx), and a category for Spanish women, in which Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek will have to fight it out for the top spot, and so on. But when we get to the category of “Girl of white and native American descent with tanned skin and big boobs”, does Megan Fox win it? Fuck no – Jessica Biel wins that category hands down! With Shannon Elizabeth fighting Ms Fox for 2nd place. So you see, your honour, Megan Fox cannot be the hottest woman on Earth, because I have subjectively proven that she is not even the winner of her own sub-category, and therefore cannot be nominated for the overall title. I rest my case.

Oh, and there’s that whole thumb thing too…



Someone call Shannon Elizabeth and congratulate her on second place...


So, my question is this: If guys are really only watching movies to check out hot chicks, how come almost no-one has heard of this movie?





Proper review time now.




‘Next’ is based off a book by Philip K. Dick and revolves around a magician, Frank Cadilac (Nicholas Cage) who can see 2 minutes into the future. When the FBI discover a terrorist plot to set off a nuclear bomb somewhere in California, they call up Tony Almeida and tell him to put Jack Bauer on that shit! No, just kidding, they decide to try and catch Cadilac (whose actual name is Chris Johnson or something) and force him to study some news channels in the classic Ludovico style to see if he can look far enough into the future to tell where the bomb is going to go off. Oh, and how the fuck does Tony come back in Season 7 of 24 when he CLEARLY dies in Season 5? I mean, really, that’s just retarded – he can’t have faked his own death because a terrorist he was trying to kill with a lethal injection took it off him and stabbed it in his chest, so unless 24 has the same writers as The Dark knight, I don’t see how they found a way around that (I’m on Season 6 at the moment, for the record). But, forget about 24 for now, because we’re discussing ‘Next’.

Plot wise it’s nothing special, really. We’re used to seeing films in which a main character can see the near future, and will change his actions accordingly so we get to view the reality where he does nothing and the reality where he acts on his premonition back to back (I’m thinking things like ‘Paycheck’ here). The problem with this sort of set-up is that it leaves you wondering why any of the events ever have to happen the way they do. Towards the end, we see Nick Cage search an entire building in 2 minutes, by merely playing through every possible situation in his future visions (for example, he turns left in one, then right in the other, and so on until he’s see everywhere he can possibly go in 2 minutes), and this makes you wonder why he would ask the FBI agents with him to search one of the floors, where a couple of them are killed, when he could easily have done that as well. In fact, if he can see the future, none of the agents on his side should die at any point, because he will be able to see ahead to what happens, and tell them exactly how to avoid death. There is also a scene where he effectively dodges bullets, by again playing through every reality until he finds a path he can take where the bad guy will not shoot him. If he can do that then why the hell did any agents have to go in at all? He could have done everything by himself – all the agents had to do was lock down the perimeter and send him in – not one FBI agent needed to die in the climax of this film, so we can only infer that Nick Cage is a bastard and wanted hem to die. What a dick.


I'm allowed to be a dick, I was in Wild Hogs, or something...


So, that’s one problem I find with movies like this, but taking that into account, the execution is pretty damn awesome. There are a couple of ways they show these visions Cage has, sometimes playing a possible reality in his head and following it up with what he actually does, and other times showing them all at the same time, so we see multiple versions of Cage on the screen at any given point. Both of these effects are awesome, the latter because I’ve never seen it done before in such a story, and it’s always nice to see something new, and the former because it creates the surreal situation where you’re not entirely sure whether you’re watching a premonition or reality at any given point.

The effects in the movie aren’t all that brilliant, with some of the CGI being pretty obvious. Now, if this was a low budget affair, then I’d be more than happy to overlook this, but at $70 million dollars, you think they could have done a little better. Then again, remember the effects in the last film with a $70m budget that I discussed? The ones in Next are far better than those, that’s for sure. To be honest, they’re not awful, but it just annoys me when directors insist on using CGI in films these days; like that scene in panic room where we go down through the floor and look around the ground floor of the house, and it’s all computer generated and looks shit – we liked that in Fight Club, David, because the point of Fight Club was that we were watching a movie, but that doesn’t mean it’ll work in every film you do! Go back to making Alien 3 or whatever it is you do…

The acting in Next isn’t too shoddy, and most of the characters are fairly believable, to the extent they can be in an action movie. Nicholas Cage is, of course, playing Nicholas Cage, but then again, if you’re watching a film with him in then this is exactly what you expect. No-one watches a Seagal film expecting to see Seagal play any character other than the one he plays in every film he’s ever made, and likewise, you can always count on Nick Cage to be Nick Cage. Thomas Kretschmann puts in an appearance too, which is always a pleasant surprise. I first saw him act in the German language film “Downfall” (“Der Untergang”), and saw him turn up in a couple of things after (Blade 2, 24, Flashforward), but his performance in Rohtenburg (“Grimm Love” in the UK) as, essentially, Armin Mewes, cemented him in my brain as one of the great character actors of our generation, even if his talents are for the most part wasted in films like this and “Wanted”. To be able to take what was essentially bound to be a steaming turd of a movie, given it was a low budget horror by the director of the remake of “The Hills Have Eyes 2”, and turn it into a film where you genuinely cared about the two main characters and could really believe their relationship, impressed me greatly, and so Kretschmann and Thomas Huber have earned a certain amount of respect from me for that (Keri Russell didn’t impress me so much, but then again, she and Madeleine Stowe turned in such great performances in ‘We Were Soldiers’ that she could have starred in nothing else but post-Scary Movie Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer movies, and I’d still have to concede she can act.) As for the other parts in Next, Julianne Moore and Jessica Biel essentially play exactly the characters you expect them to be – it’s nothing special, but it’s not dire, either. It’s just the female roles in an action movie is all. Justice from Get Rich or Die tryin’ puts in a performance too, but again, this is a very standard affair. In fact, across the board, the acting is simply on a par with your typical action movie. Not great, but watchable.

What really makes this movie is the ending, which, as you have already guessed is a twist. What else would you expect from a movie based on source material by Philip K. Dick. As far as I’m aware, Paycheck is literally the only movie based on a story by him that doesn’t have a twist ending. I mean, we could call Philip K. Dick the Christopher Nolan of the Sci-Fi novel world: A Scanner Darkly, Blade Runner, Total Recall, Minority Report ALL have twist endings (although whilst discussing Inception I got in an argument with one of my brother’s friends who would not accept that it’s entirely possible the last part of Minority Report is in Tom Cruise’s head as he’s held in the mind prison, just like some people still don’t get that in Total Recall when he says “I just had a horrible thought – what if this is all just a dream” that’s a pretty fucking big clue that it may all be a dream, even if you hadn’t already guessed it by then). Whilst this has nothing on the ending of A Scanner Darkly, which is genuinely one of the best endings I’ve seen in a long time, I still really enjoyed the twist at the end of Next, and feel that it is worth watching simply to see this.

The only other thing I really wanted to pick up on about the ending is that it is left a little too open. I liked the openness of the end, but at the same time, would have quite liked it if we could have found out why the terrorists were planning the attack in the first place. I get why we don't find this out, but it's just one of those things you like to know when watching a film. Then again, Philip K. Dick loves to fuck with everyone and not reveal everything, so I guess we can't really ask for a definitive reason behind the actions of the characters (think about Blade Runner - I watched the Directors cut, but apparently in the original there is a voice over which implies the lead replicant guy helped Deckard up at the end for a completely different reason, and apparently it doesn't fit so well with his dying monologue. This means there are two different interpretations available to explain why he acted as he did, just as there are two arguments about Deckard and his heritage, if you know what I'm talking about...)

That’s about it for this review, since I didn’t particularly notice the score (which, depending on the intention of the composers, could either mean it did its job perfectly or didn’t work very well at all), so I’ll just leave you with this: It’s an action film starring Nicholas Cage based on a Sci-fi book. If that sounds like the sort of thing you would like, you’ll love it. If that sounds like a heap of shit to you, then you’ll hate it. It is exactly what you expect it to be. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s no Blade Runner. It’s no “A Scanner Darkly”. But it is a decent action flick, and worth a watch if you’re a fan of Mr Coppola (not Francis-Ford).



Rating:

***

3 stars


A fairly enjoyable sci-fi action film with some fairly decent action and a relatively intelligent script behind it. Not Earth shattering by anyone’s standards, but certainly more acceptable to watch in public than Lazy Town Porn, no matter what your friends think of Nick Cage.



Voice





Just jumping back to Blade: Trinity for a second – has everyone heard Ryan Reynolds is single again? Sounds like my Christmas Wish is coming true ;)




Mmmmmm…

A Dual-Core Processed Banana (A Voice from the Pillow story)

It all started late one night when I was sitting in the Korova with Benny and Roman, drinking a tall glass of one percent milk and getting myself in the mood for a bit of the old ultra-blunt smoking.

“You know, they’re not gonna ID you at the bar” said Benny over his pint of Bitter “if you wanted, I’m sure you could order something a bit more, you know, manly...”

“I’m fine” I replied, taking a refreshing sip of the ice cold milk seated in my rooka “but I am up for a bit of the old ultra-blunt smoking, if you two gentlemen are similarly inclined?”

My Droogs nodded their approval, and began to see their drinks off. I raised my glass and skulled every last drop of the delicious milk into my golova, and down to my stomach.

“Well then, gentlemen” I said, reveling in the refreshing taste of my beverage “shall we?”

And with that, we headed off to meet Roman’s prestoopnick friends, in the hopes that we could exchange some of our government-sponged cutter for some of the finest ultra-blunt the night had to offer.

When we arrived at the house of the fabled prestoopnicks to find Roman’s droog Billyboy attempting a bit of the old up- down in front of a DVD of ‘Lazy Town’, a look of delight spread across the bizarre chelloveck’s chiseled litso as he imagined his rooker belonging to the pink haired teenager on the screen.


This is a Childrens show?


“My, my” I smiled, looking at the veck in amusement “that’s a bit of a malenki chelloveck you’ve got there, isn’t it?”

Billyboy jumped to his feet, clearly outraged that we would dare walk in on him whilst he was watching the pink-haired girl show off her tight, underage arse to her viewers.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” He bellowed, pulling up his trousers to conceal his smooka and it’s malenki friend.

“Billyboy!” shouted Roman as he entered the room “We wanna buy some weed!”

“I’m not selling any you Spic fuck!” Billyboy roared back at him, the anger showing in his eyes “not get the fuck out of here!”

“Not so fast” I responded, offended that we were being spurned because of his own foolishness “We’ve got some perfectly good cutter here to offer you, and I expect you to honour the code of the ultra-blunt sellers, and exchange this cutter for a quart of your very finest, lest we become displeased by your services”.

I saw his eyes dart to the cricket bat beside his sofa, as he gauged whether or not he could reach it before your humble narrator had the chance to engage him in a spot of Ultra-violence.

“A quarter?” He asked, clearly residing himself to the fact that he would not be able to reach his bat in time “that’s it?”

“That’s it.” I replied, and matched his gaze. He broke eye contact quickly, and moved over to a nearby drawer.

“Well, if it’ll get you arseholes out of here” he said, as he tossed me a bag of his finest ultra-skunk. I opened the soomka and took a whiff of the fine cheese smell the potent ultra-skunk was emitting, before giving Benny the nod to hand over our collective cutter. “It’s been a pleasure doing business with you Gentlemen.”

“Likewise” I responded “Enjoy Lazy Town”.

My Droogs and I left the building, and let Billyboy carry on with his Khorosho up-down antics.



Back in the Korova, my Droogs and I lit up a spliff each, and toasted over the finest milk the east-end has to offer.

“To my Droogs” I said “may we never run out of ultra-skunk!” and we knocked back our drinks, and chased them with a long drag each. As I did so, I noticed an attractive woman walk into the Korova, and sit on the table across from us. I flashed her a smile.

“What’s caught your attention?” asked Benny, who was busy blowing his second hand weed smoke up his Poodle’s nose.


I'm only gonna die from eating this chocolate... if I... accept it as inevitable... You know what I mean?


“Why, the Brunette with the perfect litso across the room, my Droog” I stated calmly, taking another drag off my ultra-blunt. My Droogs turned their attention to the girl.

“You don’t stand a chance with her, man” said Benny, inhaling yet another lungful of skunk, and preparing himself to exhale it into his Dog’s face once more.

“Sure I do” I said, standing “I’ll speak to you later, my Droogs, once I’m through with giving this khorosho specimen a taste of the old in-out.”

I could hear the two of them laughing behind my back as I approached her table, smoothing the creases out of my risp as I did so.

“Is this seat taken?” I asked, indicating the seat at her table directly opposite her.

“It is if you’ve only come over her to hit on me” she said, looking somehow unimpressed, despite the masculine figure standing before her. I sat down.

“My name’s Voice” I said, trying to sound as friendly as possible, and extending my hand to her “Voice DeLarge”.

“Emma.” She said, refusing to shake my hand.

“Well, Emma” I said, not deterred by her apparent frigidity “Would you like me to buy you a drink? The Korova’s milk here is quite excellent.”

“You want to buy me a drink of milk?” she enquired, apparently curious by my exquisite sense of taste.

“certainly” I said “nothing prepares ones body better for a bit of the old in-out than the vitamins one gets from a glass of milk”

I saw her smile fade before she even opened her mouth “I knew it” she said “that’s all you men are ever interested in. Sex. You know what, call me when you decide you’re gay. Until that day, leave me alone.” And she got up, and left the Korova. I took a deep breath to catch the last of her perfume still hanging in the air, then went to rejoin my droogs over at the other table.

“Told you she wouldn’t be interested” laughed Benny, smashed off his face on ultra-skunk and whiskey.

“How could you have let her get away, man? What are you, some kind of maracon?” asked Roman. Benny looked at him.

“What did you just call him?” he enquired.

“Maracon.” Replied Roman, still smoking on his ultra-blunt “It means Faggot.”

The two of them burst out laughing, and I felt something inside of me rise. A thirst; for ultra-violence.

“Well, my Droogs, you certainly have my number” I laughed with them, placing my hand on Roman’s shoulder “perhaps we should vacate the Korova for the time being, and see if we can find ourselves a little more ultra-skunk elsewhere?”

The two of them voiced their agreements, and fairly soon we were outside, walking along Southsea pier. As we walked along the rustic pier, I was calm on the outside, but thinking all the time. So now it was to be “voice the faggot”, not listening when told what to do; and my Droogs laughing at me like mindless grinning bulldogs. And suddenly I bidded, that thinking was for the Gloopy ones, and that the omni ones used like, inspiration and what bogs ends. For now it was lovely music that came to my aid; there was a window open with the stereo on, and the uber-cool rap stylings of Will Smith’s ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’ filled the area; and I viddied right at once what to do.

“Roman?” I enquired “I was wondering if you could tell me what the capital of Thailand is?”

“That’s easy” he laughed, still thinking me Gloopy. “Bangkok.”

And with that, I smashed the fist of my rooka into his soomka, and watched him reel in pain as the shock went all the way up his body to his golova. He leaped backward from me, screaming in agony, and as he did so went over the railings of the pier, and into the water. I rounded on Benny, who was staring slack-jawed at the scene, and pump-kicked him to the chest, sending him over the barriers as well. I watched as my droogs thrashed, and writhed in the water, and vowed that were they to ever get out of line again, there could be no greater form of punishment than this.


I stand corrected.




About an hour later, we were sitting in the Korova again. I handed Roman my ultra-blunt after just two puffs, and told him he could finish it. An omni leader knows not only when to punish a dog, but also when to compromise, so it will not bite him out of spite in years to come. I poured Benny a shot of Gold-top milk from the two gallon container I had bought for the table.

“So, all is squared away now, and we need never speak of this again, right?” I asked. The two of them simply nodded. “excellent” I said, and rolled my remaining ultra-skunk into a spliff, and began to smoke it. Suddenly, the manager of the Korova appeared behind me.

“Are you smoking weed in my establishment?” he bellowed, snatching the dope out of my hand. “Where did you get this from?” he screamed.

“He grows it himself” said Roman from across the table “perhaps you should call the police?”

“You bastard!” I shouted as I dodged the manager’s grabbing hands and made for the door “betrayed by my own Droogs! How could you?”

And with that, I ran out into the street, and off into the night.



By the time I got home, I was tired, and decided that a bit of good old fashioned up-down was in order, so I switched on my computer, and began watching a video of two chellovecks doing the old in-out to a rather attractive woman from each end. I began to tug on my malenky droog as I watched, and felt the excitement surge throughout my body. As I was about to spit some korova juice onto my rooka, however, one of the vecks on the video let his juice spray over the face of the girl, as the man behind was still going at it. I watched this happen, and noticed that some of his veck-juice had missed her face, and flown over her shoulder onto the other chelloveck’s leg. As I saw this, I couldn’t help but think of the Russell Brand live skit in which he describes doing the exact same thing to a friend in a 3some, and having his friend chase him around the room trying to spunk on his leg out of revenge. And that’s when it happened, I let my Veck-juice spray; whilst thinking of Russell Brand being jazzed on by another man.

At first this did not bother me too much. Yes, it was weird, but no-one needed to know. However, over the next few nights, every time I tried to do the old up-down, I would find myself thinking of Russell Brand just at the moment I let my veck-juice spray, and this began to concern me. After 2 weeks of this, I started to become ill when thinking of doing the old in-out to a woman, and could only get my malenki droog excited when thinking of Russell Brand. I decided to see a counselor.

“Oh dear” he said, as I explained the situation. “My dear boy, it seems you have performed a sort of masturbatory reconditioning on yourself, a branch of aversion therapy which revolves around the individual masturbating for prolonged periods whilst thinking about an inappropriate stimulus without coming, to associate the pain and boredom of masturbation without climax with the subject they are imagining, whilst picturing appropriate stimulus as they come, to associate pleasure with that stimulus. Unfortunately, you seem to have gotten them mixed up, and now associate heterosexual sex with pain and boredom, and Russell Brand with the feeling of climax”.

“Is there any way you can fix it?” I enquired, and he shook his head.

“No, I’m afraid not. Recidivism of sex offenders is so greatly reduced post-masturbatory reconditioning because it is such an effective treatment. I’m afraid your only option is to live out the rest of your life as a homosexual with a strong preference to guys who look like Russell Brand.”

“Could I not get aversion therapy to put me off homosexual sex?” I asked, hopefully.

“Of course” he responded “but it would not prevent you from being sick at the thought of heterosexual sex, but would merely make your body react violently to both, and to be honest, it's probably better to enjoy gay sex than none at all. At least, that's what your dad tells me.”

I stared at him in a state of shock. My world had just come crashing down around me. My Droogs were right all along.




I left the hospital soon after, and walked along Southsea common to the pier. My days of doing the in-out on women were over. From here on out, it looked like the only way I could ever stand to do in-out without making myself hurt so badly I screamed for the sweet release of death would be if I had sex with Russell Brand. I stared into the sea, wondering whether or not to jump, when a hand grabbed me from behind.

“Voice!” said a voice, and I turned to see my old Droogs standing behind me, holding porn magazines.

“We just stole these from that Atar newsagent” said benny, holding one up to me “What do you think?”

As I stared at 19 year-old Kelly from Essex, standing on the cover with her perfect 36C breasts on display, my first instinct was to grab a hold of her titties and motorboat them, but just as I thought this, I felt the sickness begin to rise in my stomach to my throat, and the pain began to burn. I screamed out in agony, and collapsed, writhing on the floor as Roman had done when I kicked him into the ocean those 2 weeks ago. Roman and Benny looked down at me.

“Should we take him to a hospital?” asked Benny, sounding genuinely concerned.

“HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN HE PUNCHED ME IN THE FUCKING COCK?” Replied Roman, scathingly. Come on, let’s just dump his head in that water trough over there and go bowling, or something.


And they did.



Fucking Spanish people and their bowling...




I awoke hours later as a feminine hand touched my golova, and I rose out of unconsciousness to see the girl Emma from the bar standing over me, in what appeared to be a bedroom in a country house.

“Where am I?” I asked.

“You’re safe” she said. I found you passed out in a water trough, and brought you home. I heard all about you in the news.”

“I was in the news?” I enquired.

“Oh yes” she responded sweetly “you’re the boy who gave himself aversion therapy by thinking about Russell Brand whilst masturbating. It’s a massive story, I’ve been following it quite intently.” I made a mental note to scratch that therapist off my Christmas card list, and look into the exact rules regarding patient-doctor confidentiality.

“What makes me so interesting now?” I asked her, and she smiled again.

“You’re living proof that Russell Brand is an evil man, who needs to be stopped. He has taken the pleasure out of sex for you with anyone but himself, just like George Clooney did to his ex-girlfriend, and we can use this as evidence that he should be scrubbed from the face of our world once and for all!”

I lay back, thinking about this for a while. She could clearly see I was tired.

“Is there anything I can get you?” she asked, her perfect lips looking so enticing. I felt the sickness begin to rise again as I thought this. “Yes, a glass of milk, please” I thought, wanting to wash the bile down. I didn’t, however, realize what effect this would have on her.

“Milk?” she asked, shocked.

“Yes” I answered “Milk. Korova Moloko. Do you have any?”

“My God!” she whispered “You’re the creepy guy from the bar who was hitting on me!”

“Yes” I said “I wanted to know if you were up for a bit of the old in-out. Why?”

“Oh, no reason.” She said, standing upright and averting her gaze slightly. “May I ask you a question?”

“Go ahead” I answered, figuring she was making such an effort to keep me well, it couldn’t hurt to answer any questions she may have.

“Well, I was wondering, what does it feel like when you think about heterosexual sex?”

“Oh, it’s horrible” I replied “I get this terrible sickness in my stomach, that boils up into my throat, and chokes the air out of me. And my head feels like it’s splitting with the pain. If I’m honest with you, it makes me feel… like I want to die.”

“I see” she said, clearly pondering something “here, let me get your milk”.

She left the room, and I heard the door lock behind her. Moments later, I heard a sound being pumped into the room through a speaker-system. It was the sounds of two women having sex.

“STOP IT!” I screamed as I felt the sickness rise once more. “PLEASE STOP” I shouted out to her “I’M BEGGING YOU! STOP IT, PLEASE!” the sounds continued to play, and I felt as though my intestines were about to burst through the wall of my abdomen, and spill all over the floor. My head felt like it was burning at a thousand degrees and my limbs felt like they had been crushed with sledgehammers. The sounds didn’t stop. I knew what had to be done. I climbed over to the window, and rolled out. I fell 30 feet, and everything went black.



NOT like that...




I awoke in hospital to see David Cameron sitting at my bedside.

“My Cameron I said, surprised “what are you doing here?”

“Well, Voice” he answered “I heard about your case in the new, and decided we couldn’t just sit by and let something like this happen to a member of the public who is registered to vote, so I pulled some strings at the NHS and, well, you’re cured.”

I looked up at him in awe. “I’m cured?” I asked “I’m really cured?”

“Certainly” he replied “good as new. In fact, thanks to you we’ve managed to ban Russell Brand from ever entering our country again. The nation owes you a terrific amunt, Voice. Especially Andrew Sachs.”

“Well, thank you sir” I said “Thank you very much.”

“No problem kid” he responded. “By the way, do you mind if I take this opportunity for a photo-op?”

“Not at all” I said “carry on.”

He smiled. “Great” he said, turning to face the cameramen in the corner “Come on over and get a picture of us, then.”

A hundred camera flashes went off as the Prime minister shook my hand in an attempt to get publicity for his next election. But I didn’t mind that he was whoring me out. In fact, I smiled, a broad cheesy grin. The kind of grin you get when you imagine yourself riding Ellen Page as the entire cast of The Trailer Park Boys looks on; because that’s what I was doing. I was back. I was cured…




Oh yes, I was very definitely cured ;)





Voice



This post is dedicated to Stanley Kubrick, one of the greatest film-makers of our time. R.I.P



The other 2 stories involving Benny and Roman can be found here and here.

Undercover Boss (Text)

I was flicking through the interactive TV guide the other night when I saw a show called "Undercover Boss" was playing on Channel 4. "My God" I thought to myself "what an amazing concept for a show", and without even watching an episode, I ran up to my bedroom, and spent the next 3 days doing nothing but writing - writing a script for what I hope will one day become an episode of the show. Before I post it to the makers, however, I was hoping I could just run a sample section of the script by you guys, to see what everyone thinks of it. So, here it is, the opening scene to my episode of "Undercover Boss". Enjoy...









Feedback? It's pretty bitchin', right?



Voice

Chris Rea: The Road to Hell Review (Text)

I heard this song on the radio yesterday evening whilst driving back from the gym, and it hooked me instantly. The track opens with a low level foreboding tone reminiscent of the scores of many old horror movies, and this is accompanied by an almost inaudible vocal track, which appears to be a radio or television broadcast recording, creating a fascinating level of suspense, and evoking thoughts of fear, perhaps even terror. The odd word will occasionally stand out, such as the word “freak”, which forces you to listen to the song more intently, in case there is some hidden message buried under the layers of atmospheric instrumentals you might hear. The faint audio track is strongly reminiscent of the audio featured on many Church of Misery tracks prior to their opening riffs, which often feature interviews with serial killers, or news broadcasts relating to the same. The fact that you can’t hear what the vocals are describing in this instance, however, makes it infinitely more chilling, and at the same time, far more interesting as well. Rea's Voice kicks in straight after this, as most of the instrumental audio fades out, to leave his voice clear, and crisp, against a faint strings background. This is probably most reminiscent of Till's opening monologue at the start of "Heirate Mich", and sets a nice tone for the rest of the song.


When the song itself kicks off, it takes things to another level still, combining the atmospheric synths heard earlier with a very sharp sounding guitar tone, and what would be a catchy pop-style drum beat were it not for the dark sound of the rest of the song. This is all accompanied by a classical piano, yet another instrument frequently used in horror soundtracks.

Rea’s vocals themselves, however, are what really make this song. His dark, harsh, haunting tone is almost identical to Leonard Cohen’s in his bleak, dystopian record ‘The Future’, and the lyrical content of the song is similar as well. Whilst the latter part of the song deals with more mundane social issues than ‘The Future’, which focuses more on the more brutal social evils we see in the modern age, the lyrics in these later verses are still very powerful, and pass on a strong feeling of dread. The first main verse after the intro and bridge, on the other hand, is so similar in style to ‘The Future’ that if you had simply showed me the lyrics to the verse and asked me to guess who wrote them, I would immediately have said ‘Leonard Cohen’, especially for the line ‘And the perverted fear of violence, chokes a smile on every face’ – one of the most mind-blowing lines I remember hearing in years. In fact, it's probably the best line I've heard in a song since I went through Leonard Cohen's musical catalogue back when I was 18 and first heard songs like 'The Future' or 'First we take Manhattan'; it's that memorable, and evokes that much emotion. Stick lyrics like these in a Cohen-sounding song like this one, and you have a recipe for success.

On the subject of lyrics, I would also like to applaud Rea’s use of the word ‘Motorway’ during the first section of the song. Often, British artists will change their vocabulary to suit an American audience better, so it’s nice to see one who doesn’t, and this also gives the song a more raw quality, and makes it feel more natural, and therefore more relevant. By not changing the lyrics to hide his nationality, Rea has made them seem more personal, and this makes them more haunting than had he not done so, because the lyrics go from being just the words of a song, to someone’s honest opinion about the way the world is turning.

So, if you’re a fan of Leonard Cohen’s late 80s - early 90s work, or just want to hear a really cool-sounding dark song, be sure to check this one out. The video's also pretty similar looking to Oliver Stone's video to 'The Future' from the end of Natural Born Killers in places, with the sped up sections of traffic intercut with dark domestic scenes, so why not check it out? It definitely gets my approval.





Awesome.


Voice

Cee Lo Green feat. Gordon Ramsay for UK Christmas #1 (Audio)

There was a massive campaign last year for Rage Against the Machine's 'Killing in the Name' to be made Christmas number one here in the UK, in order to prevent the year's X-Factor winner from once again taking the Number One spot. The problem is, despite how well that scheme worked last year, Simon Cowell is still very much unstoppable in the music business, owing to the fact that people can't get enough of ridiculously rude British celebrities. Therefore, I believe the only way to stop Cowell dead in his tracks is to deploy our very own super-offensive English weapon; no, not Piers Morgan, they're in on it together. We need someone from outside Cowell's world, someone who can bring the music industry down from the outside. A man with nothing to lose. Possibly a man who was recently made fun of on South Park...


That's right, you read the title of the post correctly, well done. It's Gordon Ramsay!






I think we're onto a winner here, people! Someone copy this to iTunes, quick, and let's see how many downloads we can get for Christmas!


Voice

A Little Extra Silliness... (Comic)

Since nobody visits this site, and that whole Memebase scene is somewhat popular (I think the comic I made on here which someone stuck on there actually got more hits than this site has in total), I'm gonna whore myself out - So I just thought I'd make a "Challenge Accepted Guy" comic for you to all enjoy:





That surprised you, didn't it? After all, you thought I was going to be commenting on Miley Cyrus turning 18, and how much I'd like to bang her. But in case you haven't noticed, I was doing it before she was 18, so her age really makes no difference to me (I mean, 16's legal in the UK and half the States in the US). Still, even I was surprised when she did that naked photoshoot to celebrate being legal. Yikes!




I never would have thought it. Stand-up girl like her.



Vice


Get it? Like Voice, but without the 'o' because we're talking about porn? Ah, frget it.

(that one was a typo).

Science Corner: Your Questions Answered!

As a man who is currently trying to become a Master of Science, I feel I am in a position to answer some of those questions that people often ask themselves without ever bothering to research the answer to, simply because they realise they don’t matter. I have already tackled some fairly hefty philosophical issues on this Blog, and so feel now is the perfect time for me to dig into the world of science. So, without further ado, I present my answers 3 questions I found posted on New Scientist Magazine’s website, by curious young minds looking for answers. I hope you enjoy this article, but more importantly, I hope you learn something. Every last one of you.



“Why does hair turn grey?”
Karen Bagon
Radlett, Hertfordshire, UK




Karen – this is a very interesting question, with a fascinating answer. You see, originally, human hair did not turn grey, but stayed the same colour throughout an individual’s lifetime. This all changed in 1754 in France when it was observed that a visiting Dutch prince by the name of Adelbert Hildebrant was losing some of the colour from his hair. Of course, King Louis XVI’s doctors did all they could to try and maintain the colour of the prince’s luscious auburn hair, but to no avail. The colour faded, and it soon turned grey. King Louis feared for his life, as he was certain that when news of this outrage got back to King Frederick I of Württemberg, it would mean certain war with the Netherlands, so in order to pacify the Dutch, Louis decided to marry one of his daughters off to the prince, because what King would attack his own daughter-in-law’s home country? After the marriage took place, the strangest thing occurred – French women became unbelievably attracted to the prince’s grey hair, as they believed it showed him as distinguished and prestigious. The royal couple had 5 children between them, all of them boys, and owing to the fact that the women of France knew these young men would be carrying the grey-haired gene, each of the princes had numerous partners in the period between their achieving adolescence, and the downfall of the French Monarchy. After the French royals were guillotined in the revolution, the grandchildren of Prince Hildebrant and Princess Marie lived on, born out of wedlock to numerous female members of the proletariat. Once these children reached maturity, and the boys started to develop grey hair, they were again favoured for reproduction, because by that time people saw the days of the monarchy as “the good ol’ days, when France was a decent country to grow up in, without all these Spanish immigrants stealing all our jobs”, and thus grey hair became attractive once again. Since Paris was renowned at the time for setting the fashion trends, visiting British women intentionally had sex with men they knew through reputation would grow up to have grey hair, and birthed them back in England. This generation of Grey haired British men would grow up to become the same soldiers who helped take over Burma in 1824, and India in 1858. Soon after Singapore and the Americas were introduced to the grey haired gene, and the rest, as they say, is history. The reason the gene has never died out is that women, to this day, find it unbelievably attractive. For example, George Clooney (above) has been voted the sexiest man alive by People magazine twice, as has Richard Gere, another grey-haired gent. Carrot-top, meanwhile, has never once been voted Sexiest man of the year, in spite of the fact that he has the better physique.


I guarantee you that if this guy's hair was grey he would get more pussy than Neil Patrick Harris.

I hope this answers the question to your satisfaction, Karen, and if you’re between 16 and 28 and fit, feel free to drop me a private message – My father and both my Grandfathers have grey hair, and I’m certain I’m going to grow up to be the next Hugh Laurie ;)





Voice


… that’s fit as in attractive, not physically active, incidentally.


In case you were wondering which category you fit into...





“My girlfriend tells me it is impossible to explain how the bumblebee flies. Apparently it defies the laws of physics. Is this true?”
Torbjørn Solbakken
Norway




Unfortunately, Torbjørn, your name is fucking hard to write on a computer. Even less fortunately, you seem to have fallen prey to a common misconception. Much in the same way as many people will tell you that A Clockwork Orange was banned, when in fact Stanley Kubrick merely withdrew it from screening in the UK, or will tell you that you are paranoid schizophrenic who needs help, and not actually an NSA agent sent to infiltrate an anarchic terrorist organization to prevent them blowing up New York city, people will pass on this fact about Bumblebees without bothering to actually look it up. The truth is, science can explain almost everything, and this idea that it cannot explain the movement of the bumblebee is preposterous. This myth originates from the 1920s, when women had only just been given the vote in the UK. In order to prove that they were mature enough to be given the responsibility, and not ‘flappers’, women who wished to vote were required to answer a test question, to see if they truly were intelligent enough for the privilege of enfranchisement. The question which was asked was simple enough; “how do bees fly?”. Of course, the rational, and correct, response was to say “with their wings”. However, a number of women who arrived at the polls early believed this to be a trick question, in order to keep them from voting, and so replied “science cannot say”. As the system in place at the time dictated that such women be told to simply go into a different booth to everyone else, where the ballot papers would be thrown out at the end of the day, in order to avoid causing a scene by telling them in the polling station that they were not eligible to vote, these women left under the impression that they had been allowed the vote, and that this answer was therefore correct. Word of the “correct” answer soon spread amongst the female population of England, and it soon became commonplace for women to believe tat science could not explain how bees can fly. Most men, however, were smarter and knew better, secretly laughing at women behind their backs whilst down the pub, or down the mines. Unfortunately, when World War 2 broke out, most of the healthy young men were called up for service, and many of them killed. During this time, the infant population of England grew up mostly fatherless, and were told this fallacy by their mothers whilst growing up alone with them. By the time the men came back, the answer of “with their wings” did not seem intelligent enough to the youth to override 6 years of being told it could not be explained, and so many of that generation grew up believing this was the truth, and the myth has stuck around to this day. I hope this answers your question, Bjørn, and hopefully next time a woman tells you something, you’ll think about it logically before believing it. You may also want to read my article on “the love drug” – this site really needs more hits.


Voice


Here’s a picture of a woman proving they are the inferior sex, just in case some of you are still suspicious:


Anyone up for a photoshop contest?






“Why is it that, whatever they may contain, dustbins always smell the same?”
Rodri Protheroe
Colchester, Essex, UK




Well Rodri, strictly speaking, that’s not entirely true now, is it? Have you ever smelled a dustbin with a 3-day dead hooker in it? I have, and it smells much worse than when you’re first stuffing her in there.

Regards,

Voice.



So there you have it, 3 very important scientific questions explained. Stay tuned to Voice From the Pillow for the next installment of: "Science Corner"!



Voice








WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS GAY??!?!??!?!!!!!!?!??!?!!!?!?!

Why Prisoners Shouldn't be Allowed the Vote (Video)

This week it was announced that David Cameron has decided to give in to a ruling from the European Court of Human Rights to allow prisoners in the UK the right to vote. This has caused outrage online, with a lot of people attacking John Hirst, the lawyer and ex-con who brought the case against the UK Government, over the issue. I decided that, as a man deeply involved in politics, it was my duty to tell people my opinion on the matter, so here it is, my explanation why prisoners should NOT be allowed the vote:







Voice





p.s. first person to mention the yellow wall dies... unless, you know, it's complimentary.

The Other Guys Review (Text)

At first, I wasn’t so sure The Other Guys sounded all that good. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Wahlberg fan and everything, and I loved Will Ferrell in Zoolander, but it just didn’t seem like it would be my kind of thing – which is odd considering my favourite comedy movie of all time is about a detective and his incompetent sidekick trying to solve a massive case no-one believes is solvable and constantly ripping on each other (guessed what it is yet?) - but, I dunno. The Other Guys? Just didn’t sound right.

But then I watched the trailer for it online, and pissed myself all the way through it. This movie looked like it had everything – cool action, great comedy. I was in! No doubt about it. So, we headed to the cinema, and bought our tickets to The Other Guys. God I wish I’d been to see the new Saw instead…

To be fair, this movie started really promisingly. It opens with The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson as the super cool hero cops everyone wants to be like apprehending a group of armed criminals in a spectacular car chase and gun battle, which really got everyone in the cinema into the film. We are then introduced to the other Guys, Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell, who are the cops working behind the scenes, filling in the paperwork for Jackson and Johnson’s characters. The initial exchanges between the two of them are hilarious, and the timing is all perfect. Whilst some of the jokes were predictable early on, I still found myself laughing at quite a few of them, and generally enjoying the tone of the movie. However, things went downhill pretty soon after.

In the next scene they appear in, we see the Rock and Samuel L. Jackson chase a group of jewellery store robbers onto the roof of a building, and watch them escape on zip lines, which they then cut to prevent the two cops from following them. The pair look at each other, before awesomeness happens. There is a brief exchange of some manly fucking dialogue, and then the two of them jump:




“Whoa!” I thought when this happened. “I did not see that coming!”

I had been under the impression that the whole movie revolved around Ferrell and Wahlberg being in The Rock and Jackson’s shadows, as the ‘other guys’, and yet the two guys I had thought were taking 3rd and 4th to main characters had just died only about 10 minutes in. Ballsy strategy. And you know what? It worked – for a short while.

You see, at first, I was very impressed that they had killed off the guys who were set up as the main support characters, because it was so different, and I kind of thought “wow, if they can afford to kill those guys off like that, this film is gonna rock!”. Unfortunately, however, I was sadly mistaken. You see, whilst Wahlberg and Ferrell do manage to keep pace for a good while after this scene, the movie still dies before the halfway point.

As it progressed, I noticed there were less and less laughs to be had, but wasn’t that concerned, because I was certain the pace would pick right back up again, and things would be back to how they were at the beginning. Then came the scene that really got me bothered.

In one scene, Mark Wahlberg’s character goes to see his ex-girlfriend, who is a ballet dancer. When he sees her, he confronts her with “what are you doing, living like this? Coming in here, and shaking it for dollar bills?” and I was laughing, thinking “man, what an awesome way to piss off your ex – act like a twat and make out that her ballet studio is a strip club – that would be so embarrassing for her!”, but then realised, to my horror, that the character was actually supposed to think it was a strip club. And this pissed me off so much.

I’m all for having idiot characters – I loved the way Wahlberg was saying lots of non-sensical phrases earlier in the film, confusing metaphors and so on, but this just went way too far. I think one of the problems was that Will Ferrell is already set up as being the moron, and it would be nice to have a character who wasn’t a complete idiot for him to play off of. Another issue was that it was just so unbelievable. Right after this as Wahlberg shows off his ballet moves and when asked where he learned to dance like that replies “I learnt it when I was in school to make fun of the queer kids who did that shit”, that would have been a golden idiot moment for him, had it not been absolutely ruined by making the character look too moronic just a minute before.

After that point, the film really started crashing – the good jokes were poorly executed and fell flat, whilst the rest of the running time was filled with what nowadays passes as being a joke, but is really stretching the fucking definition. In short, it was a combination of the kind of scenes that appear in films like “Epic Movie” and “Date Movie” where they probably looked good on paper, but weren’t funny because they were executed poorly, and he kind of jokes they sometimes put in Family Guy which aren’t funny, but go on and on and on, because the idiots watching will have to start laughing eventually, right?




To an extent, I think it is partly my fault that I didn’t enjoy this film, because I didn’t particularly like Anchorman, and hadn’t realised that it was by the same guy, and in the same style. That said, however, the trailers were pretty fucking misleading, and clearly designed to get people who like real comedy to go and see the film, rather than just the Anchorman crowd. On top of this – at least Anchorman I sat through without thinking “this is just boring – I hope it ends soon”, because a few of the jokes were actually half decent – it’s just that whilst in Anchorman they spread a few decent jokes over the course all the movie, interrupting the crap occasionally, here they put all the good stuff at the very start, and the rest of the film was absolute wank. No joke – I literally went from that Ballet scene all the way to the end narration without cracking a smile, the film was that dull. Even in the scene where Steve Coogan bribes the guys with theatre tickets, I knew that the joke itself was actually quite a funny one, but it was done so poorly that I didn’t laugh in spite of the voice in my head saying “that’s a funny joke. How is this not funny? How the fuck do you take a joke that would make me laugh if I read it, and ruin it on screen? How is that even possible? I even know this should be funny, but it’s not! Fuck this director!”

In fact, it got so bad that even when the plot resolved itself in the big climactic scene, and we finally found out the truth behind the big case, I didn't care. It was a decent twist and everything, but the mindless non-jokes had just killed my enjoyment of the film by that point, so all I could think was "meh". When Mark Wahlberg then proceeded to take out two handguns and shoot a ridiculous number of people in ultra-slow motion whilst making his way across a room, all I could think was "man, Max Payne was actually pretty good..." - that was it, the action in their big finale was just stolen from another film. Not to mention the chase outside, which had such a lousy resolution I can't believe it actually made the final cut.


Unfortunately, we seem to have reached a point in film where absurd with no explanation is deemed to be the new definition of funny. If something is ‘random’, people will laugh at it. You know what I say? FUCK. THAT. SHIT.





Seriously, bring us back some half-decent comedy, guys! You want idiotic characters in absurd situations, what was wrong with Wayne’s World? It seem like the Director of this film has taken the style of Wayne’s World’s joke telling, but not actually realised what made Wayne’s World funny in the first place. Kind of like if you saw that Coca Cola is a billion dollar selling business and so brought out your own beverage which has only one thing in common with coke; a red can. Some idiots would still buy it, thinking it must be like coke, but those who actually have brain cells would judge the drink on it’s own merits, and see you had really just pissed in a bunch of red cans, you bastards! That’s kind of how this feels – people who think ‘random’ is cool will laugh at this, whereas people who actually know what comedy is will say “fuck this shit”, and walk out (or like me, say “when is this gonna pick back up again? It was really good at the start, why isn’t it funny any more?”). Seriously - not even Ray Stevenson managed to save this movie. The fucking PUNISHER could not save this movie. Did you see what a good review I gave War Zone?!?!?! And now I'm ripping the shit out of the next movie I see him in? That's how bad this film was. it was dull. It was boring. It was not funny.

Even the scene that most people are going on about, where Wahlberg and Ferrell get trashed in a bar and it's all shot as a series of stills put together which the camera moves through as though travelling through both time and the bar in one movement didn't impress me. Sure, it's different, which is good, but it killed the pace of the action, being such a slow scene, and just ultimately wasn't worth the pay off. i can imagine the exact same effect could look awesome elsewhere, but it just didn't work in The Other Guys - except to the extent that the fancy technology seems to have blinded people from important factors like flow and continuity, and left them pacified to the shit blizzard that was the second half of this movie. Fucking Shit Blizzards, Randy.


Shit Blizzards.


In short, save your money, don’t go and see this film. I got a copy of Kiss kiss Bang bang for 4 quid 3 years ago, and I bet it hasn’t gone up in price since then. Take the money you would have spent on seeing this, and watch that DVD instead – I guarantee you, you’ll have a much better time, as it’s a hilarious film by a competent director who actually knows how to do comedy. The other Guys, on the other hand, is one of the worst movies I have seen this year. Hell, I’d rather watch 2012 again than sit through this shit one more time. The only thing I can suggest is go into the cinema, watch til the end of The Rock and Samuel L. Jackson’s funeral, then get the fuck out of there before it goes to shit. But wait, don’t do that – because if people actually pay to see movies like this, they’ll just keep making them. This movie had a 90 million dollar budget, and still isn’t even a tenth of the movie the Trailer park Boys Movie (2006) was, which had a budget of 5 million CANADIAN dollars! Shit, going like for like with the detective theme, Kiss kiss Bang Bang only had an 18 million dollar budget, and that’s infinitely better. Now, I know you can’t always compare movies like this on a dollar-to-value basis (especially when 2 of your favourite ever comedies were very low budget affairs) – but come on, you could have made 10 Seagal films for the cost of this movie, and I guarantee they would have had me laughing far more than The other guys did (though not always intentionally).


Don’t see this film. And don’t see Let Me In, because Låt den rätte komma in should not have been remade. In fact, fuck it, if you have to go to the cinema, go see Mr nice, and tell me what you thought of it, because I loved the book, and I really wanna see that movie. Let’s just hope it’s nowhere near as big a let down as this one was.



Rating:


*


1 star


I know it seems dumb that I would give a movie I was quoting with my brother only a few hours ago just one star, and to be honest, it is pretty stupid; there were some good jokes in it, and I loved the beginning, so I would really like to give this movie a 2 star rating. It's just that this was a real disappointment, they took a movie which could have been great, and just ran it into the ground. It's not absolutely dire, but definitely not worth giving the time to. I'd still recommend it over Buffy the Vampire Slayer or 28 weeks later, but only just. As I said, loved the opening, and a couple of bits were incredibly quotable, but it's just not worth sitting through all the boring unfunny crap they threw in with it to watch those bits. I think it's time we stood up and said "no" to these "comedies" which don't actually know how to tell a decent joke, and go back to good old fashioned film entertainment. And hey, You know what they could have spent that 90 million budget on instead?




George Clooney as Sam Fisher?!?! WHY DOES THIS MOVIE NOT EXIST ALREADY?!?!




Voice




Eva Mendes does have great tits though, amiright?