The Global Political Scandals that Shaped the 20th and 21st Centuries (Text)

This week, Obama has been ranting on about how disgusting the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is, and how despicable it is that BP allowed this to happen. He’s even gone so far as to say that no foreign nations will be allowed to own rigs off the coast of the United States in future, and has just generally called the British dicks. Now, I’m all for insulting big business, and trying to spark a revolution against the corporations – but he’s the fucking president of America! He clearly has ulterior motives!



Let’s just think about this scenario for a moment, shall we? A British owned company owns a rig off the coast of America, and that rig springs a leak, which causes an environmental catastrophe. The British company must therefore be at fault, right?

What’s that? BP installed a fail-safe device to prevent this exact thing from happening? Well, that can’t have been up to scratch, then – otherwise this wouldn’t have happened.

What’s that you say? The fail-safe was manufactured and installed by an American company? Ah, well that’s clearly not the fault, then! The crew must have been negligent in allowing the leak to happen.

The Crew was American as well, you say? Huh. So really the only thing that distinguishes this as a British rig is the fact that it is Ultimately owned by a company which started out in Britain, but due to the expanding Global Market, and the international stock exchange, is now no more British than any other company in the world? Well, I still think we should ban the British from putting rigs in our oceans! I mean, we don’t go around installing rigs off other countries’ coastlines, do we?

Oh, we do? Fuck.



This is literally how the conversation would go if Obama’s advisors had a single brain cell between them. Except words like “of” would be excluded, because for some unexplained reason, Americans have determined them to be obsolete. A couple bucks? Don’t you mean a couple OF bucks you fucking Chazzer?! But, I digress…

But seriously, America are such fucking Hypocrites. I mean – what would they do if every other country in the world told them to take their oil rigs and fuck off? They’d invade them for the fucking oil, is what! THEY’VE DONE IT BEFORE!


Fact: 9 out of 10 Americans couldn't even tell you what country this is. 5 of those 9 would say "Baghdad", and the other 4 would say random place names such as "North Korea" or "New Zealand".

And Obama just seems to have a hard-on (as the Americans say) for fucking over the British. Take his comments on the Falklands, for example; Obama said that he will not support the British if the Falklands are invaded, despite the fact we’ve fought 2 fucking wars the Americans started for no fucking reason other than just because they could! I vote we pull out of Afghanistan, and redeploy all those soldiers to the Falklands, just because if they aren’t gonna help us, fuck ‘em. But then, I am slightly unbalanced…


Damn Paparazzi - what were they doing in my Garden anyway?


But back to BP. Whatever way you look at this situation, it’s an American problem. American manufacturing led to the fault which caused the leak, American workers were unable to correct the problem, and consequently the American coast has been flooded with oil. But let’s blame the fucking British like we always do, being the Boston Tea Party Cunts we are!


I hear Lemon Tea's popular in Boston...



But before I get too carried away insulting the Americans, let’s look at this incident in context, shall we?

A while back, the American food company Kraft, or as we Bi-lingual German-English translators* know it, “Strength”, took over Great British company Cadbury’s, and proceeded to fuck our shit up. The British media was outraged when Kraft closed one of the Cadbury factories in the UK, and moved it into Eastern Europe, and we swore we would never allow the Americans to take over one of our sacred companies in the same way again. But you know what? Cadbury’s had already announced their intent to close that plant a full 2 years before Kraft took over!

* Would this be the same Bi-lingual German-English translator who thought that in 'Waidmann's Heil' when Till says "The Creature Must Die" he was saying "The Creator must Die"? Fotze.

I therefore believe this whole BP oil incident to be nothing more than revenge for our unfair attacks on Kraft. In fact – Obama probably unscrewed the cap on the drill himself, the bastard!


Unbelievably, 'Evil Obama' gets more hits on Google images than 'Blonde Lesbians Kissing'. No, seriously, check it out!

Now, whilst both of these incidents have been international disasters, some good has come from both: Kraft’s takeover of Cadbury now means that when I want chocolate, it gives me a perfect excuse to play “Mutter” by Rammstein, owing to the fact the line “Gib mir Kraft”, which previously only meant “Give me strength”, can now be taken to mean “Give me Cadbury’s” – which is exactly what I would be saying if I had just poisoned my mother and thrown her in a river. And as for the oil spill – Pensacola, Florida has been in the news again thanks to Erin Brockervich visiting to whine about all the oil, which has no doubt brought a smile to the face of everyone who knows who this guy is:


And the answer is not "A young Robert DeNiro".


Man, that town sucks – all it’s famous for is oil spills and sex murderers! And possibly some drug trafficking when Miami got too hot...



"Owned!"


But back to the topic at hand. It is now evident that the oil spill situation is nothing more than petty revenge for the whole Kraft incident, and Obama just needs to chill the fuck out. But this isn’t the first time major international incidents have occurred due to petty disputes. Sure, you all know about how the First World War only occurred because a couple of cousins had a disagreement, and weren’t man enough to sort it out amongst themselves, but it doesn't stop there - this sort of thing has motivated some of the biggest news events of the 20th and 21st centuries! For example:




Incident: The Cuban Missile Crisis.



You all remember the Cuban Missile Crisis, right? That movie with Kevin Costner in? Well that actually happened. Fidel Castro started a revolution in Cuba, and overthrew the Government. The Russians were so pleased with this that they stationed nuclear weapons on the island, which they pointed at Florida, just in case that fucker Tony Montana decided to try and come back

(Editor’s Note: Scarface takes place after the Cuban missile crisis, dumbass!
Writer’s Note: Wait, I thought I was the editor on here? Fucking Schizophrenia!
Editor’s Note: Actually, Schizophrenia doesn’t cause 2 distinct personalities to emerge as often depicted in films, that’s just a common misconception.
Writer’s Note: Yes, that’s true. However, as I’m just typing what I’m thinking, despite the fact it appears I am writing from the perspective of 2 different personalities, I am, in fact, only writing down what I actually think, and what the voice in the back of my head thinks.
Editor’s Note: The voice in the back of your head thinks you’re a faggot.
Writer’s Note: That means you’re a faggot, and I have repressed homosexual desires.
Editor’s Note: Let’s stop this now before we confess too much to the internet, shall we? You were talking about Cuba?).

But what you didn’t know is this: just before the Cuban missile crisis, President John F. Kennedy of the United States of America went to Cuba to greet their new leader, and just before he met Castro for the first time, farted on his hand so that when they shook hands, Castro would get fart smell on his hand. Castro realised what must have happened after about an hour of smelling his hand, wondering what was up with that smell, and consequently asked the Russians to bring the missiles over as revenge. This entire scenario was witnessed by a young CIA agent code-named John Smith, who went home after the crisis was averted and had a son named Kevin. This son went on to popularize “Stink Palming” in his movie, Mallrats. And by popularize, I mean get the odd nerd to do it, and then complain for hours after about how “Clerks was better”.


Blame this guy... Also, Bible.



Incident: The Attack on Pearl Harbour.


What do you mean, "Gayer than Top Gun"?

You all remember this one: Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are pilots, and something happens and the Japanese blow up Pearl Harbour, and Ben Affleck gets the girl in the end. Interestingly, the one ship in the harbor not damaged was later renamed the “Belgrano” and subsequently sunk by the British, because why the fuck not? The attack on Pearl Harbour sparked America’s involvement in the second world war, and also gave Cuba Goodring, jr. a chance to use a massive machinegun for the first time since Jerry Maguire (it’s one of the deleted scenes – Jerry refuses to show him the money, and he goes Scarface on the poor guy) .


You may have noticed there is no PayPal "Donate" function on my Blog - However, I do accept Scarface posters, outfits and weaponary if you do wish to make a Donation.

But what you didn’t know is this: Whilst debating which side to join in the war, the Japanese Emperor decided to travel around the world, and meet the leaders of the other countries. He got on fine in Russia, Germany, Italy and England, but when he got to America, he was greeted by Harry Truman instead of Dwight Eisenhower – an obvious outrage! But what really sparked the attack wasn’t this mix-up; No. What sparked the attack was the fact that, whilst visiting a Japanese restaurant in San Fransisco, he was told he couldn’t have “hot Saki”, because Saki is a rice WINE, and thus is served cold. Oh no they di’n’t!






Incident: The Israel-Palestine conflict.



This one doesn’t have a Ben Affleck movie based on it. Unless you count “The Sum of All Fears”, which you shouldn’t. Basically, Jews and Arabs hate each other.


Is this guy being Ironic? No, seriously - I forgot what Irony is. It's like the opposite of a coincidence, or something, right?


But what you didn’t know is this: It all started because a Lebanese man made a snarky comment about J-Date, and if there are 2 things Jews pride themselves on, it’s their snarky humour and J-Date. Originally, they did intend to set Jerry Seinfeld loose on the guy, but then realised he hadn’t been born yet, so instead rained missiles down on Palestine, on the assumption that all Arabs are the same – and Lebanese people don’t like seeing other Arabs getting bombed. It is said the conflict will only end when the Prophet Mohammad is depicted wearing a bear costume on uncensored TV – but unfortunately, that doesn’t seem likely to happen any time soon…


This image has been censored - Blogger.com administrative team.


And whilst we’re on Mohammad:




Incident: The September 11th Attacks.



There are all kinds of crazy conspiracies surrounding this one. Some people say the US Government deliberately blew up the towers themselves, others say the jews did it. Popular opinion suggests it was Osama Bin Laden, although it has been pointed out that if that were the case, Delta Force would have killed him the week after when they had the perfect opportunity to do so, but APPARENTLY messed it up (Hint: Delta force NEVER actually mess up. It’s like those stupid CIA plots you hear about and think “That never would have worked!” – that’s the point! Who do you think released that information? The CIA, of course! If they portray themselves as bungling and useless, people will start to believe it, and will be lured into a false sense of security. The CIA failed to kill Castro in a plot when they put a bomb in his cigar? Bullshit! The CIA put fucking Castro in charge in the first place to lure the Russians into a false sense of security, and if Jack Kennedy hadn’t done a fucking stink palm, the cold war would have ended in 1963!). People suggest Bin Laden may have carried out the attacks to create a worldwide religious war, in order to bring about the domination of the world by Islam



But what you didn’t know is this: Eminem once claimed that the actual target of these attacks was not the World Trade Centre, but was, in fact, Shady Records Inc.




He wasn’t lying.



Apparently, Osama Bin Laden wanted to be a gangsta rapper ever since listening to Straight Outta Compton back in ’88. He released his debut album, “Straight Outta Saudi” a year later, and many speculate that the Russians withdrew from Afghanistan because of this. Some people also speculate that I’m not very good at Cold War History, or timelines, but fuck those guys… 2 years later, Bin Laden’s second album, titled “Bizzy Duz It” was released to critical acclaim, and despite the fact that Bin Laden started beefing with previous “muslims with Aptitude” group member Mohammad Al Fayad at this time over his forming a separate rap group called “Da Allah Mobb”, he did extremely well for himself, becoming the second best selling Middle Eastern Artist of that year.


So much talent... such a waste!


Unfortunately, in 1997, Marshall Mathers a.k.a Eminem a.k.a Slim Shady won the Rap Olympics, beating Bin Laden with a vicious diss about how outdated the turban and beard look is. Bin Laden released several underground Eminem diss tracks, but stopped soon after when Proof from D12 pulled a gun on him in a club. The violence escalated, and in the year 2000, Bin Laden shot up-and-coming rap star 50 Cent 9 times after the artist released a Diss tape entitled “I’ll wrap yo head, boy”, about the intricacies of setting Turbans on fire, with explicit references to Bin Laden and the Taliban.




Dr Dre ordered a sit down with Bin Laden, but Eminem stormed out when Bin Laden refused to stop boasting about how much taller than Eminem he was in person. Eminem released 2 more Diss tracks that year, and Osama threatened violence if Eminem did not stop. In 2001, the whole of D12 was involved in a Bin Laden diss, called “Hit a Muller Up”, which ridiculed Bin Laden for his inability to kill 50 Cent, and for his ties to The Insane Clown Posse.




It is believed that the release of this track eventually culminated in the attempted attacks on September 11th, 2001. Eminem released the track “Like Toy Soldiers” in 2004, as a call to end the beef. However, in the meantime, Bizarre from D12 had been sent into Pakistan with a US Rangers unit, and had assassinated Bin Laden. It is not known whether or not Eminem was aware of this at the time of recording “Like Toy Soldiers”. A movie will be made of this event… If I can get funding and permission from those involved.

Hmmm… Anyone up for doing a little editing on Wikipedia tonight?





Voice




Whilst we're on it, actually - why is it that Americans have this whole thing about denying people ever jumped from the towers, and saying they were "Blown Out" or they "fell"? Why is suicide seen as such a bad thing in America? I think it's disrespectful to the memory of those who jumped to act like they didn't, as though jumping was a bad thing - because that's basically saying their last ever act on this Earth was wrong, and they shouldn't have done it. It takes courage, I think, to be able to realise you have no hope of survival, and make a rational choice about how you wish to die, and I think the people who did jump deserve better than to be remembered as having never committed the act, because Americans find it abhorrent. And this is coming from a guy who just wrote a comedy article about how the 9/11 attacks were due to a rap feud - so if I'm saying your view is disrespectful, you know you've got problems!

Dappy Gets Caught Doing Mephedrone, then Speaks Out Against It. I Read About Dappy Doing Mephedrone, then Speak Out Against Him - The Prick (text)

BBC news today reported on the activities of my favourite rapper, Dappy, once more – this time in relation to accusations which have arisen that the star used mephedrone in a night club last month, shortly before it became illegal. Whilst I acknowledge that this hardly constitutes news, and that reporting it is indicative of nothing but a slow news day, I still can’t help but comment on the story – for reasons which will become obvious soon enough.

Whilst lower forms of media shall be reporting on the actual story itself, I myself am above such pettiness, and lament the decline of the media, chastising the man for using a substance which, at the time, was perfectly legal. No, I shall instead be reporting not on Dappy’s alleged actions, but on his words. After all, if I wanted to attack Dappy’s actions, then his texting threatening messages to a woman who dared speak out against him on the radio, or his assault charges, or indeed, his awful rapping ability, would be far more suitable starting points for mounting an assault. But instead, I want to review the man’s words. For there, and only there, lies the truth. Plus, I kinda already did that other stuff.

So, with that in mind, let us dig in to the mind of Britain’s most successful Greek Hip-Hop star:



"It's just not a thing to be doing. I've learnt my mistake. I'll never do such things again."

It’s hard to believe that Dappy, whose real name is Costas Dinos Contostavlos, got an A* grade in his English GCSE, especially when you consider that I myself only received a double A grade for English Language and Literature. Granted, I’m no Colin Dexter, and was more than satisfied with my grades, but come on – this guy can barely speak! Did he do an “English” GCSE in the same way as I did a German GCSE, or something? Hell, my German (Also an A Grade, in case you were wondering) is better than this guy’s English – and I freely admit that I can hardly speak the language! Is Dappy’s apparent pervasive developmental disorder (though, in conjunction with his short stature, is more likely to be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome induced retardation) merely an act? Indeed, the word ‘Dappy’ has recently become a pejorative term denoting an inarticulate Bellend in my personal vocabulary, so to learn that he is, in our government’s view, more qualified than I am to be writing this article, is offensive to me on so many levels. Just look at that quote above. He hasn’t learnt FROM his mistake. No, that would actually make sense. Instead, he tells us that he has “learnt his mistake”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Now, I’m all for people substituting words in common usage in place of technically correct terms if it makes any logical sense – I myself used the term “self-depreciating humour” recently even though I KNEW the correct term was “self-deprecating”, and am personally a huge fan of Russell Brand’s speaking style, in which he combines common slang and regional dialects with an Oxbridge-esque vocabulary, in order to create a working man’s version of Queen’s English, and often attempt to imitate this myself (see every article on this site) – but how does that sentence even make sense? He learnt his mistake? What, he wanted to make a mistake to get him in the public eye once again, so he learnt to snort mephedrone in front of ‘Sun’ photographers? Is that what he’s saying? And don’t even get me started on “It’s just not a thing to be doing” (and yes, I do realise I just began a sentence with a preposition)!


Grammar makes me CRAAAAZZY!

But I’m getting too bogged-down in semantics. After all, no-one comes online for an English lesson. Except foreign people. No, what I really want to focus on is Dappy’s ATTITUDE, rather than his grammar. So, let’s take a look at another quote:




“You have to try things to understand that they're bad. But not always. I felt unwell that day."

Well, at least you started well, Dappy. But here’s a piece of advice; If you’re ever trying to win an argument, try not to contradict yourself halfway through, it just makes you sound like an idiot. Whilst the statement “You have to try things to understand they’re bad” is, in itself, a small gem of wisdom, which combines a mature, reflective opinion with a level of childhood innocence, the very next sentence cancels this out. “But not always". Really, Dappy? I thought you were being completely literal – I was going to suggest we try another Holocaust, just because I’ve never tried it, so don’t know if it was bad or not. So, not only is he apparently assuming that we’re all morons who won’t understand that his first sentence was primarily metaphorical, and designed to be more illustrative than literal, but he also undermines the original point he made by essentially telling us it was wrong.

“But not always, huh? You think maybe the time you were doing drugs was one of THOSE times?”.

Now, for the record, I was all for keeping mephedrone legal, and was opposed to the reclassification of Cannabis to a Class B drug last year (or was it the year before? I should know - given I wrote a 3,000 word report on it not that long ago), but come on – if you’re going to tell people they shouldn’t do the drug because it’s wrong, should you have been doing it yourself? Granted, I like getting handjobs off girls, but wouldn’t give a guy a handjob (under normal circumstances – there are obviously exceptions), but that’s besides the point… This is more like Peter Sutcliffe having a go at someone for murdering a prostitute – it’s not only Hypocritical, but it’s also a bit of a dick move.




"I just want to say that I'm more than glad genuinely that they've banned this thing because I've seen how many people are dying off it.”

How many people are dying from mephedrone? Reports suggest… uh, zero? Members of the ACMD and other organizations have confirmed that the effects of mephedrone are still not entirely known, and admit that there could be harmful long-term effects. However, there have been no recorded cases of anyone actually dying from the substance. Indeed, according to ACMD member and criminologist Fiona Measham (Dan Silverstone has not yet been reached for comment, but I’ll track him down if anyone actually insists on me doing so), the reporting of mephedrone-related deaths by newspapers followed "the usual cycle of ‘exaggeration, distortion, inaccuracy and sensationalism' associated with the reporting of recreational drug use". To highlight this issue, I shall, for your pleasure, overlay the results of “reported deaths” vs. “confirmed deaths” for mephedrone with the infamous Glasgow study of drugs deaths in the media:




[source]
*Occasionally suicides will be attributed to Cannabis use, whereas the study only shows those who died from the effects of the drug itself e.g. acute poisoning. On this note, I should point out that alcohol has not been measured in this fashion, and that only 9,031 deaths occured due to alcohol poisoning in 2008, but the increase in heart disease and cancer, etc. Not to mention crashes caused by drink-driving, and murders/suicides fuelled by alcohol, all combined make the 35,000 figure. This is therefore an exaggeration when compared with the other figures. My apologies - but I can't be bothered to edit the picture.

Now, I’m not saying we should all go out and do Mephedrone, but to say that you’re glad the substance was banned because so many people were dying of it seems... well, retarded. I don’t actually drink these days (1 year and 2 1/2 months without alcohol), so I almost don’t want to say this for risk of sounding like a self-righteous prick, but if ANY of those drugs needs to be illegal, it’s Alcohol (David Nutt agrees with me, the old flirt).

But let’s ignore the facts for now, and just look at IMAGE. What rapper in their right mind would do drugs, and then tell their fans that they think drugs are bad, and tell them not to take any (“I'd want any of our fans to stay well clear")? 50 Cent has never taken drugs in his life, but still wouldn’t dream of telling his fans not to take any, because no-one wants to have someone they look up to treat them like an idiot. You have to lead by example. And that’s a lot of the problem with Dappy – he seems to embody the very worse of rap culture without having any of the redeeming qualities that other rappers do. Using 50 Cent as an example, simply because I just mentioned him before, let’s compare the two:




50 is also an actual black guy, not a poor attempt to act like one.



Would someone shoot this prick already?




Artist's representation of what would happen if Dappy was shot.



Voice

I'm almost going to be sad in a year's time when N-DUBZ fade into obscurity. I may actually have to find something serious to write about... Like Gordon Brown calling that woman a Bigot, or whatever else the news is on about.

Get Rich or Die Tryin' - The Review (Text)

First published Feb 11 2009

I figured I was on a roll with the reviews, so thought I would broaden my range a little and move away from the comic book movies... Going for a slightly older movie here, and one I doubt many of you will have watched. Hope you enjoy the review!

I bought this movie on impulse one day when I found it for £4 at HMV in Portsmouth. The reason I picked it up was because I was certain it would be absolutely shit, and would be a real laugh to watch (one of those “it’s so bad it’s hilarious” kind of movies).
Upon viewing it, however, I realized how wrong my initial suspicions had been. The movie opens with a shot looking at the wing mirror of a car as it drives through the streets of New York, and across the Brooklyn Bridge. The track playing over the top is a rap song written by 50 Cent specifically for use in the movie, and I have to say, it is one of the best rap songs I have heard used as a movie theme since Eminem’s Oscar winning track “Lose Yourself” from the movie 8-Mile. The track has some awesome drum beats and a heavy bass line, and the director made the awesome choice to have the wing mirror vibrate every time a bass note is played, as would happen if you were really driving along blaring out loud music with your bass turned up (as I’m sure everyone who drives will be able to tell you). This effect alone gave me some high hopes for the movie, because I knew that the director was at least vaguely competent.
The real point at which I decided to start watching the movie seriously, and not just for a laugh, occurred at the end of the opening credits, when I saw the name of the writer. Terence Winter. For those of you who don’t recognize the name, Winter was one of the head writers on the TV series ‘The Sopranos’, and is responsible for many of the best episodes (including this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4OakqPbUj0, which he co-wrote with Tim Van Patten if memory servs...). With a script from a writer of that calibre, the movie was almost guaranteed to be good, and the opening scene definitely did not disappoint. Within minutes, we see 50 Cent and his boys, including Terrence Howard (who at the time I knew as ‘the detective from Four Brothers’, but who I’m pretty sure everyone else only knows as ‘that Air Force Colonel from Iron Man’ these days), carry out an armed robbery on a Colombian Gang’s safe house. The scene is action packed and very intense, and best of all, we see that 50 can actually act, something I personally had not expected. At the end of the opening sequence, we see 50 Cent’s character Marcus get shot outside his grandmother’s house, in one of the most brutal shootings I’ve seen in a film (outside of an actual shoot-out) since Casino. After this scene, we flashback to Marcus as a kid, and from then on the movie plays out in chronological order.
The plot revolves around Marcus’ rise from a street level teenage drug dealer to rap star, and all that happens to him in between. We start out with Marcus being nothing more a poor kid trying to scrape a living dealing Coke in Queens, and follow his rise to power as one of the best earners in ‘Mr. Majestic’s’ crew. Majestic, a powerful black gangster who is a captain in one of the largest crews in New York, befriends Marcus at a young age, and helps him gain the power and money he craves. Majestic is played by a fantastic Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who’s name I’m not even going to attempt to pronounce, who most people will know as Nykwana Wombosi from The Bourne Identity. Agbaje manages to pull off being both the calm and intelligent mentor to Marcus, and psychopathic killer, that the part requires of him with ease, and is totally convincing throughout most of the movie. The rest of the supporting cast are also very good, and Terrence Howard is flawless in his portrayal as Marcus’ not-quite-all-there manager in the latter half of the film.
Howard is introduced at around the half-way point of the film (excluding his 5 minute scene at the start before the flashback), in one of the most memorable yet horrific introductions of a character in movie history – the prison shower scene. This scene isn’t quite as bad as you might imagine from the previous sentence, and luckily does not involve any male rape. However, it is something that I am certain will haunt me for the rest of my life (or at least, for the rest of my life as long as I watch Terrence Howard movies). Basically, what happens is; Marcus is throw in Prison for drugs possession, and on his first day inside, he is attacked in the showers by a knife-wielding Columbian inmate who wants revenge for Marcus shooting one of his fellow gang members in the leg earlier in the film. Howard’s character, Bama, happens to be showering at the same time as Marcus, and when the attack starts, he tries to help fight off the knife-wielding Columbian. In order to show this scene unfold, the director, in his infinite wisdom, decided to use a long shot of the entire shower block, intercut with a number of close-ups of the action. The unfortunate side-effect of this is that, when Howard is forced to retreat away from the other inmates to avoid getting stabbed, we are left with a shot of his penis directly in front of our eyes, and believe me – this is not a pleasant sight. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that during a knife fight in a cold shower surrounded by a bunch of naked men, my penis wouldn’t exactly look big – but Howard’s penis borders on disturbingly small. In fact, scratch “borders”, it’s horrific to look at. I mean, I don’t like full frontals in movies anyway. The one at the start of 28 Days Later ruined that movie for me (as opposed to 28 Weeks Later, which was ruined just by being shit), but this is just wrong. It’s so small that rather than simply being able to type “WARNING: FULL FRONTAL ON HOWARD”, I have instead written this entire paragraph warning people that, even if they are female or homosexual, they will not enjoy this scene (except possibly for comedy value). If you think I’m exaggerating here, well, there’s nothing I can do to prove I’m not – since I can’t even find a clip of it on YouTube – which you know means it’s GOT to be bad (admittedly, I did not type in “Get Rich or Die Tryin’ Shower Scene”, out of fear of what would appear in my ‘recommended for you' section the next time I logged in. But seriously, you don’t want to see that anyway...). In short, if you want to watch this movie, but want to be able to have normal dreams as opposed to nightmares in future, I suggest that you either look away when this scene’s on, or simply fast-forward. Unless you have a small dick fetish (in which case if you’re a hot woman, feel free to private message me...).
Anyway, back to the film. In prison, Marcus decides that he’d rather focus on becoming a rapper than continue drug dealing, so he agrees to hire the small-dicked Bama as his manager. Upon leaving prison, Marcus is met by both Bama, and Majestic. Majestic offers Marcus the position of his being his right-hand man, which (with Majestic’s having framed the Boss and murdered the underboss via plastic bag to the head whilst Marcus was in prison), would make him number two in the hierarchy of the entire New York crew. Marcus, however, has already made up his mind, and decides to go with Bama instead, and fulfil his dream of being the “illest mothafuckin’ gangsta rapper the world has eva seen, G!” [citation needed].
Marcus meets up with his girlfriend and his old posse, and spends his time just chilling and going on about what a great rapper he is. His girlfriend has a child (who we are informed is his, but I’m fairly sure we only find out she’s pregnant whilst he was in prison...), and Marcus feels like he is on top of the world. But then, Majestic does something to dis him (probably, I can’t really remember), so Marcus sings a song about either Majestic, or his friend the rapper ‘Dangerous’ (who is white), and Majestic gets annoyed. He goes to the hospital, and picks up Marcus’ baby whilst his girlfriend is asleep. She wakes up and sees Majestic with the baby, who hands it to her with a warning that Marcus should apologize for his insult before his family gets hurt. When 50 hears about this, he says something along the lines of “He touched my family! I’m goin’ kill dat fool”, at which point we are given the cheesiest line of the movie when Bama goes to give Marcus his gun, and Marcus says “No, not like that. I’ma ‘umiliate him”, then starts rapping about Majestic. Honestly, guys? You’re going to kill him by rapping? Come on, if you’d just used ‘destroy’ rather than kill it would have worked better... Did Terrence Winter write that line or did 50 Cent write it after a few hits off the crack pipe? I can image how that conversation must have gone...


50 Cent: Whoa! Dis some strong shit!... a’ite, so he’s touched my kid, right?

Director: Yeah.

50 Cent: ...and I’m angry at him, Yeah?

Director: Yeah...

50 Cent: So maybe I should say “I’m goin’ kill him!”, and then I can smoke dat fool.

Director: That’s not a bad idea... but the producers have said that you can’t kill anyone in the movie, because it’s based your life, and they don’t want the public to think they’d associate with a murderer...

50 Cent: But I am a murderer, motherfucka! I smoke fools! I’m an Ice cold Gangsta, Biiatch! You don’t believe me? I’ma smoke you right now, fool! (50 Cent brandishes his gun)

Director: Whoa! Whoa! Hold on a second, man! I’m not saying you aren’t gangster. I know you’re 'Ice Cold'. But it’s the damn producers – they say they won’t be able to sell the movie if you kill him, so we need to think of an alternative! Remember, if we can’t sell the movie, you don’t get any money from it!

50 Cent: All right, my bad. (puts gun away) Forgot there was money involved... (takes another hit off the crack pipe) What if I say “I’m goin’ kill him”, then when the dude with a small dick goes to hand me his gun, I say “no, not like that – I’ma humiliate him. Bring him to me. See what he’s got...”?

Director: Actually, that’s not too bad – and it means we can include more scenes with you rapping before you get shot. I just have one slight suggestion, however... (50 takes another hit off crack pipe) I think instead of saying “Kill”, you should say “destroy”.

50 Cent: What?!? (pulls out gun again) You messing with my dialogue, motherfucka? I’ma kill you!


Anyway, I guess Jim Sheridan (the Director) must have managed to persuade 50 to put the gun down and not ‘smoke’ him (possibly by playing him the rap he wrote. SERIOUSLY: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0006487/ (scroll down to “soundtrack), which you can hear HERE: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKH6taE_bCY&feature=related (from around the 2:38 mark)). Anyway, after this, we see 50 Cent rapping a lot, but being refused record deals because Majestic has all the producers in his pocket. Bama then suggests that they go and rob the Columbians, just to make a bit of money before they can break into the rap business, and Marcus agrees to it. We then see the opening scene again, edited down slightly, up until one of Marcus’ homies, who was actually working for Majestic, shoots him a whole load of times outside his grandmother’s house. Justics, the guy who shoots Marcus, grabs the money they just robbed, and runs away, whilst Marcus lays in the street, dying. His family come out to help him, but he has been shot 9 times, and stops breathing on the way to the hospital in the back of a neighbour’s truck. This scene is just incredible, because we are given shots of Marcus’ “death” in the back of the truck, intercut with shots of him being born all those years ago whilst he mother was out working a as waitress (presumably before she became a coke dealer? Oh, I didn’t mention that earlier? Yeah, sorry. His mum was a dealer and worked for Majestic. That’s kind of important for the ending...). I’m fairly sure this scene is meant to be symbolic of the circle of life or something, but to be honest I just like it cos there are fireworks...
Anyway, Marcus gets to the hospital and is brought back to life, then tries to build himself backup again in a training montage. Meanwhile, Majestic kills Justice with a big sword for failing to kill Marcus. Though in Justice’s defence, he did shoot him more times than 2 Pac got shot... and we all know rappers are supposed to only be able to take 5 bullets without dying, right? Aren't they basically the same as the zombies from Left 4 Dead? I could have sworn I read that somewhere...
Anyway, Marcus gets back to full strength, and he and Bama start producing their records at his house, and distributing CDs all along his old crack-routes (Marcus’ CDs, not anyone else’s. Though to be fair if I was selling rap CDs on the street, I’d be tempted to fill the CD with Rick Astley songs...(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZOU8GIRUd_g)). Marcus soon becomes the biggest rapper in New York, and goes to hold a big concert in the heart of Majestic’s territory. Majestic is, understandably, annoyed at this, so goes to confront Marcus. Just before the concert starts, Majestic begs Marcus not to go onstage and dis him. When Marcus refuses his offer, Majestic tells Marcus that he killed his mum for being such a whore and having sex with his boss when she was supposed to be with him. Marcus starts trying to kill him, but Bama pulls him off and tells him to get out on stage. Majestic says he can’t let that happen, and pulls out his big sword (though to be fair, anyone's would look big next to Bama's. ZING!). He takes a run at Marcus, but Bama shoots him. Marcus leaves the room, with Majestic lying on the floor bleeding, and walks out to go on stage. As he is walking out, we get some kind of voice over about how he made it, and is now God, and get the cool vibrating mirror shot again, this time on a full sized mirror. Marcus looks at himself in the mirror, then walks out on stage. The movie ends with him rapping in front of a screaming crowd.
While the movie does have a couple of minor flaws, such as poor dialogue and the odd continuity error, on the whole it is actually very good. The acting is top-notch, and the script is killer. It’s shot brilliantly, and the soundtrack is simply amazing; with the songs ‘I'll Whip Ya Head Boy’, ‘Window Shopper’ and ‘When It Rains It Pours’ all featuring prominently (also on the subject of the soundtrack, I just wanted to say: I’ve heard Lily Allen did a spoof of ‘Window Shopper’ where she said “Nan, you’se a window shopper” instead of “man, you’se a window shopper”. I would just like to point out here, Ms Allen, that you are spoofing the crappy radio edit of the song and it in fact goes “NIGGER you’se a window shopper”. With that in mind, your spoof no longer makes sense as the two lines now sound nothing alike. Perhaps you should actually bother to LISTEN to the songs you plan on parodying like Weird Al Yankovich does??? Oh, and stop dating men three times your age you Whoare! (That’s not a typo, that’s the Italian pronunciation))
What really amazed me about this movie as well was the fact that the director is a 60 year old Irish man, who on the DVD special features delivers such gems as “all these kids have is their hippin’ and their hoppin’”, and reveals that he is friends with Bono, and showed him the movie personally before releasing it. WTF????

Hmm... I appear to have lost my train of thought... serves me right for listening to “The Fresh Prince of Gotham” whilst trying to write a review... (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWz5h4or-yo (real men download the MP3...)) though the existence of this in NO WAY justifies The Dark Knight!

So yeah, overall I thought this movie was pretty fucking awesome. Great script, great casting, great direction. Really the only problem I had with it was that horrific shower scene. It’s no Goodfellas, but it’s easily on a par with Boyz N the Hood, if not better (though I’ll admit, Ice Cube saying “NIGGA, PLEASE!” probably tips the scales slightly in favour of Boyz N the Hood). If you feel you can stand watching 50 Cent for 2 hours straight, then I would definitely recommend this movie (minus the prison shower scene) to you. Aside from The Departed, I’d say it’s probably the best American gangster film to come out in the past couple of years (though I’m possibly being completely retarded and have missed a really big one. And knowing me, if I have, I probably own it...)


Rating:

***

3/5
(ignoring the shower scene)


Good, solid action movie with a fairly convincing human aspect to it as well. Not quite Goodfellas or Casino, but at the same sort of level as Boyz N the Hood or Four Brothers. Definitely worth a watch. Though to be honest, if you want to see a rap movie, 8 Mile has to be the way to go...

Oh, also – this movie shows you how to make crack... you know, just in case that would sway you...