Dappy Gets Caught Doing Mephedrone, then Speaks Out Against It. I Read About Dappy Doing Mephedrone, then Speak Out Against Him - The Prick (text)

BBC news today reported on the activities of my favourite rapper, Dappy, once more – this time in relation to accusations which have arisen that the star used mephedrone in a night club last month, shortly before it became illegal. Whilst I acknowledge that this hardly constitutes news, and that reporting it is indicative of nothing but a slow news day, I still can’t help but comment on the story – for reasons which will become obvious soon enough.

Whilst lower forms of media shall be reporting on the actual story itself, I myself am above such pettiness, and lament the decline of the media, chastising the man for using a substance which, at the time, was perfectly legal. No, I shall instead be reporting not on Dappy’s alleged actions, but on his words. After all, if I wanted to attack Dappy’s actions, then his texting threatening messages to a woman who dared speak out against him on the radio, or his assault charges, or indeed, his awful rapping ability, would be far more suitable starting points for mounting an assault. But instead, I want to review the man’s words. For there, and only there, lies the truth. Plus, I kinda already did that other stuff.

So, with that in mind, let us dig in to the mind of Britain’s most successful Greek Hip-Hop star:



"It's just not a thing to be doing. I've learnt my mistake. I'll never do such things again."

It’s hard to believe that Dappy, whose real name is Costas Dinos Contostavlos, got an A* grade in his English GCSE, especially when you consider that I myself only received a double A grade for English Language and Literature. Granted, I’m no Colin Dexter, and was more than satisfied with my grades, but come on – this guy can barely speak! Did he do an “English” GCSE in the same way as I did a German GCSE, or something? Hell, my German (Also an A Grade, in case you were wondering) is better than this guy’s English – and I freely admit that I can hardly speak the language! Is Dappy’s apparent pervasive developmental disorder (though, in conjunction with his short stature, is more likely to be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome induced retardation) merely an act? Indeed, the word ‘Dappy’ has recently become a pejorative term denoting an inarticulate Bellend in my personal vocabulary, so to learn that he is, in our government’s view, more qualified than I am to be writing this article, is offensive to me on so many levels. Just look at that quote above. He hasn’t learnt FROM his mistake. No, that would actually make sense. Instead, he tells us that he has “learnt his mistake”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Now, I’m all for people substituting words in common usage in place of technically correct terms if it makes any logical sense – I myself used the term “self-depreciating humour” recently even though I KNEW the correct term was “self-deprecating”, and am personally a huge fan of Russell Brand’s speaking style, in which he combines common slang and regional dialects with an Oxbridge-esque vocabulary, in order to create a working man’s version of Queen’s English, and often attempt to imitate this myself (see every article on this site) – but how does that sentence even make sense? He learnt his mistake? What, he wanted to make a mistake to get him in the public eye once again, so he learnt to snort mephedrone in front of ‘Sun’ photographers? Is that what he’s saying? And don’t even get me started on “It’s just not a thing to be doing” (and yes, I do realise I just began a sentence with a preposition)!


Grammar makes me CRAAAAZZY!

But I’m getting too bogged-down in semantics. After all, no-one comes online for an English lesson. Except foreign people. No, what I really want to focus on is Dappy’s ATTITUDE, rather than his grammar. So, let’s take a look at another quote:




“You have to try things to understand that they're bad. But not always. I felt unwell that day."

Well, at least you started well, Dappy. But here’s a piece of advice; If you’re ever trying to win an argument, try not to contradict yourself halfway through, it just makes you sound like an idiot. Whilst the statement “You have to try things to understand they’re bad” is, in itself, a small gem of wisdom, which combines a mature, reflective opinion with a level of childhood innocence, the very next sentence cancels this out. “But not always". Really, Dappy? I thought you were being completely literal – I was going to suggest we try another Holocaust, just because I’ve never tried it, so don’t know if it was bad or not. So, not only is he apparently assuming that we’re all morons who won’t understand that his first sentence was primarily metaphorical, and designed to be more illustrative than literal, but he also undermines the original point he made by essentially telling us it was wrong.

“But not always, huh? You think maybe the time you were doing drugs was one of THOSE times?”.

Now, for the record, I was all for keeping mephedrone legal, and was opposed to the reclassification of Cannabis to a Class B drug last year (or was it the year before? I should know - given I wrote a 3,000 word report on it not that long ago), but come on – if you’re going to tell people they shouldn’t do the drug because it’s wrong, should you have been doing it yourself? Granted, I like getting handjobs off girls, but wouldn’t give a guy a handjob (under normal circumstances – there are obviously exceptions), but that’s besides the point… This is more like Peter Sutcliffe having a go at someone for murdering a prostitute – it’s not only Hypocritical, but it’s also a bit of a dick move.




"I just want to say that I'm more than glad genuinely that they've banned this thing because I've seen how many people are dying off it.”

How many people are dying from mephedrone? Reports suggest… uh, zero? Members of the ACMD and other organizations have confirmed that the effects of mephedrone are still not entirely known, and admit that there could be harmful long-term effects. However, there have been no recorded cases of anyone actually dying from the substance. Indeed, according to ACMD member and criminologist Fiona Measham (Dan Silverstone has not yet been reached for comment, but I’ll track him down if anyone actually insists on me doing so), the reporting of mephedrone-related deaths by newspapers followed "the usual cycle of ‘exaggeration, distortion, inaccuracy and sensationalism' associated with the reporting of recreational drug use". To highlight this issue, I shall, for your pleasure, overlay the results of “reported deaths” vs. “confirmed deaths” for mephedrone with the infamous Glasgow study of drugs deaths in the media:




[source]
*Occasionally suicides will be attributed to Cannabis use, whereas the study only shows those who died from the effects of the drug itself e.g. acute poisoning. On this note, I should point out that alcohol has not been measured in this fashion, and that only 9,031 deaths occured due to alcohol poisoning in 2008, but the increase in heart disease and cancer, etc. Not to mention crashes caused by drink-driving, and murders/suicides fuelled by alcohol, all combined make the 35,000 figure. This is therefore an exaggeration when compared with the other figures. My apologies - but I can't be bothered to edit the picture.

Now, I’m not saying we should all go out and do Mephedrone, but to say that you’re glad the substance was banned because so many people were dying of it seems... well, retarded. I don’t actually drink these days (1 year and 2 1/2 months without alcohol), so I almost don’t want to say this for risk of sounding like a self-righteous prick, but if ANY of those drugs needs to be illegal, it’s Alcohol (David Nutt agrees with me, the old flirt).

But let’s ignore the facts for now, and just look at IMAGE. What rapper in their right mind would do drugs, and then tell their fans that they think drugs are bad, and tell them not to take any (“I'd want any of our fans to stay well clear")? 50 Cent has never taken drugs in his life, but still wouldn’t dream of telling his fans not to take any, because no-one wants to have someone they look up to treat them like an idiot. You have to lead by example. And that’s a lot of the problem with Dappy – he seems to embody the very worse of rap culture without having any of the redeeming qualities that other rappers do. Using 50 Cent as an example, simply because I just mentioned him before, let’s compare the two:




50 is also an actual black guy, not a poor attempt to act like one.



Would someone shoot this prick already?




Artist's representation of what would happen if Dappy was shot.



Voice

I'm almost going to be sad in a year's time when N-DUBZ fade into obscurity. I may actually have to find something serious to write about... Like Gordon Brown calling that woman a Bigot, or whatever else the news is on about.

N-DUBZ: AGAINST ALL ODDS - SNEAK PREVIEW! (Text)

There has been a lot of talk over the past couple of weeks about British rap megastars N-DUBZ’s new autobiographical book, "Against All Odds: From Street Life to Chart Life". The book details the hard times the group overcame to become the number 1 selling band they are now. Whilst most critics shall be reviewing the finished product, as available in all incredibly shitty bookstores which should be closed in my opinion for stocking such filth, I was lucky enough to be sent a draft version of the book, from before the publishers got hold of it, by an insider. So, with that in mind, I bring you the true, unedited thoughts of Dappy, Frazer and Tulisa – enjoy!




Inbox: Voice (i_miss_the_X_files@hotmail.com)

New message

From: Easyjetstelios69@Easyjet.gr
To: i_miss_the_X_files@hotmail.com
Subject: Against All odds - draft version.
Date: 02/04/2010


Voice,

Here are those pages from the new N-DUBZ biography I promised you. Feel free to use exerts at will, but promise not to publish them on your site until the book’s launch. The book is written in 3 parts, one by Tulisa, one by Frazer, and the final section is written by the group’s charismatic frontman, Dappy. In order to ensure honest opinions flourished on the pages of the book, the 3 members agreed not to read each others’ chapters, therefore offering a more real perspective on the events told. Of course, this led to a few contradictions, which the Publishers should hopefully be sorting out prior to release – however, I believe the original version has a more real, human feel to it. Keep up the good work on the site, and don’t worry about it, I’m sure that you’ll beat that O’Brien prick to any Seagal-related news that comes out this month!

Regards,

Stelios.



Attachment: N-DUBZ biography, Chapters 1-3.




TULISA


I grew up in Hatfield, just outside of Essex – my mum was working as a prostitute down in Lakeside, trading her body for alcohol and cigarettes, but she always wanted something better for me. I still remember, when I was only twelve years old, I got in a fight outside of school, and my mum was called there by the headteacher. She just gave me a long, stern look, and said “Tulisa, why are you fighting other girls like a Tomboy – you should become a slag and get your ex-convict boyfriend to beat the shit out of any girls who insult you instead”. She then went into the next room and fucked the headmaster to get me out of detention. I took those words to heart.

Aged 13, I lost my virginity to Diesel, a 26 year old Ugandan who had just gotten out of prison after serving 8 years for manslaughter (He argued provocation, cos apparently the guy was a Tottenham supporter). At first I was a bit nervous, cos I knew he already had an 8 year old kid with another girl in my class, but he convinced me that she would never find out, and we did it in the DFS showroom after hours one night (he was working there whilst on probabtion, but assured me he’d be back to robbing betting shops soon enough). It was amazing, and didn’t hurt at all, until he fucked my arse – with a cricket bat. Afterwards, as we lay in that luxury Queen sized £899.95 bed together, smoking white rhino (cannabis with heroin “dots” in it, innit?), I asked him if he was a cricket fan, and the words he told me stayed with me for years to come – “no, I jus’ carry a bat round to fuck niggaz up, innit?”. From that moment on, I started carrying a screwdriver in my purse, right next to the vibrator I stole from my mum when I was 7.

I first met Frazer when I was in his cousin’s crack house, aged 15. I had been sucking his cousin’s dick for a rock of crack, when Frazer came in. His cousin, Evil, told me I could have a whole gram if I let him and Frazer spit-roast me. I wasn’t really sure at first, because Frazer had a bit of a reputation as a Rude-Boy (I heard he once licked the chicken at the KFC he worked in before serving it), but when he told me he would wear a condom, I was sold. He blew his load in my arse, and that was when I knew we were destined for great things.

The next day, Frazer confessed to me, whilst we were out shoplifting from Harrods, that he was an aspiring rapper (well, he is black), and asked if I wanted to be his groupie. I told him I would for an ounce of crack, but also pointed out that I could rap, if he wanted a backup performer. He asked me to show him what I had, and I got my tits out. Frazer had just starting saying something about “I meant in terms of rapping ability”, when we were thrown out the store. God, princess Di’s dad is such a CUNT! I mean, what kind of a place allows public breastfeeding, but doesn’t let you show your tits? Babies are fucking disgusting, that’s why I had all 4 of mine aborted – but guys are supposed to love tits! I think this Mohammad Al-Faggot guy must be a homo or something, I mean – who wouldn’t want me? My friend Sophie told me I’m what you would get if Lady Gaga and TuPac had a kid – what guy wouldn’t find that attractive??>?

We met Dappy 3 months later, when we were performing a gig in Grays. I heard Russell Brand’s from there, but I hate him – eugh! Who does he think he is, using those big words? I mean, what does obsequious mean? “I’m a Homo”, I bet. Original humour that appeals to the middle-classes should be banned in my opinion – like that Lenny Henry – who the fuck does he think he is, talking like one of them posh pricks from Oxford Poly or something? Has he forgotten his roots? You’re black, you poser – act like it! I hope his wife leaves him.

Anyways, Dappy was our support at that gig, and we were just blown away by his style! I mean, he was wearing a sky blue tracksuit with a James May ball-ball hat, white Nike airs (size 6), and shades – at night! It was unreal! He also had all these tattoos – written in Arabic or something! He’s from Greece – I think that’s in Dubai, so that could explain it. Anyway, we all smoked some weed and agreed to form a group, and that was it – N-DUBZ were born!



FRAZER


I grew up in Hackney, London, and spent the first part of my life living with my grandparents. I was told my mother was only 15 when I was born, and that my father was the assistant manager of the MacDonalds on the M25 junction of Waterloo and had used his position of power to get my mum to sleep with him. I swore that if I ever met the guy, I would knock him out. I never saw him.

School was tough, I was one of the only black kids in my class, and was constantly teased by the Asian kids because my Grandad worked in a library, not a kebab shop. I used to visit the library after school, whilst my Grandpa was cleaning, and I would read all the books on music. One day, I read a Rick James autobiography, and it was a revelation! Black people didn’t have to be amazing on instruments to become world famous! All they needed was an average sounding bassline, and lyrics working-class white people enjoy! When Run DMC came along, I knew I was going to be just like them. But English. Of course, I said the same thing about Bon Jovi when I was 9, but this time it was different, I could feel it...

I started rapping at the age of 14, and was just starting to get good when my Grandparents were murdered in front of me outside the theatre in a drive-by shooting. I have never been able to prove who did it, but I sent my demo to Dizzee Rascal the week before, and suspect that he shot them as a warning to me to stay out the rap game, knowing I would put him to shame if I ever got up on the mike. The police said it was “random”, but what do they know? I mean, would a guy with a Mac 10 really hit 2 old people by accident if his actual target was an amateur boxer who was working part time as a bouncer on the door they were shot by? I don’t think so!

After that, I went off the rails a bit, and started hanging out with my cousin Frederick (whose friends know him as “Evil”, but whose full name is actually Frederick Winfried Frazer-Jenkins) who was a small-time crack dealer. I didn’t want to stay with him, because his house always stank of drugs and was full of underage sluts, but I had nowhere else to go – especially after I was fired from my job at KFC after licking a white guy’s chicken as revenge for him making a joke about all Black people liking Watermelon.

One night round Frederick’s I went to bed early, and one of his friends came into my room and injected me with heroin. When I woke up, I felt like absolute shit and was certain I was going to die. Frederick told me that if I wanted to counter the effects of the dope, I would have to smoke some crack. I don’t remember much more of that night, but when I woke up the next day, I had a beautiful Essex girl lying next to me, and I knew that she was the one.

That afternoon, I took Tulisa to Harrods to get her an engagement ring, and whilst we were there, I let slip that I was into music, especially groups like Run DMC and Aerosmith. She told me that she was a rapper, and would perform with me in exchange for my marrying her (I believe her exact phrase was “for a nice big rock” – obviously referring to the diamond on the engagement ring I was to get her with my Chicken Money). She showed me her breasts, presumably to show me that she was developed enough for kids, but we were kicked out the store for “indecency”. How is love indecent, I ask you? Unless it’s between a man and his Pit-bull, which is what I heard Fredrick’s mate Keyshawn is into...

Tulisa and I started playing gigs later that year, and that was where we met Dino Contostavlos, a.k.a "Dappy". I love his act, the way he plays a mentally challenged Greek guy “from the streets” on stage is hilarious – he could easily be the next “Flight of the Conchords” or Sascha Baron Cohen – I heard he even had a fake argument over style with Martin Freeman - the guy who played “Ricky C” in “Ali-G Indahouse”. I would have loved to have seen that – Dappy so clearly bases his character on Ricky C you could swear he really was a plain-old chavvy cunt. Ah, great guy... Anyway, we asked him to perform with us, and he agreed. And so N-DUBZ was born!



DAPPY

M8 I’Z A GANGSTA – WOZ BORN ONDA STREETZ OF AFFINS, AN’ SPENT ME LIFE REPRESENTIN’ DA EA$T AFFEN$ MA$$IVE, INNIT? MY DAD WANTED ME TO FOLLOW HIM INTO DA FAMILY BUSINESS, BUT I SED – YO, POPS, I DONT WANNA RUN EASYJET WEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE A RAPPER. ALL THE OTHER KIDS AT SPECIAL SKOOL ARE GONNA BE EITHA FIREMEN OR MUSICIANS, THAT’S WOT I WANNA DO! SO HE FLOO ME TA INGLAND IN HIS PRIVITE JET AND PAYED THE OWNER OF DA MOST EXCLUSIVE CLUB ON DA WEST END (ITS CALLED “BUTLINS” IF YOU WANNA VISIT SUMTIME) TO LET ME PERFORM. I OWE A LOT TO MY DAD – ITS A SHAME HIS IDEA FOR EAZY CROOZES DIDNT TAKE OFF – I TOLD HIM PEOPLE WOULD THINK IT WAS A PORN SITE FULL OF HOT SPANISH CHICKS RATHER THAN AN ORANGE BOAT COMPANY, BUT HE DIDNT LISSEN!

WEN I WAS ON STAGE ONE TIME, DIS GIRL AND DIS BLACK GUY ASKED ME TO BE IN THERE BAND – COOL, I FORT – WORKIN WIV A BLACK GUY AND A CHICK WILL BOOST MY STREET CRED (JUS LIKE THOSE ANTI-LITTER CAMPAINS WE DID LATER THAT YEAR!), AND WIV THAT, N-DUBZ WAS BORN. I NAMED THE BAND AFTER MY CLOWN DOLL FROM WEN I WAS A KID – N-DUBZ IS THE BE$ST GREAK KIDZ SHOW EVA!!!

SAFE, YEAHS?





The horror...


Voice

#1 Commentary (Video)

Here's me trying to be Gladstone. I originally uploaded this in October, but then took it down, intending to edit a couple of bits and shorten it. However, I couldn't be bothered - so here it is in full; me trying to rip off Hate by Numbers, and failing miserably. Enjoy!

"Stoner Doom Metal" (Text)

Over the past couple of days, I've been reading about Dappy from N-DUBZ and his sending of death threats to a single mother who dared to call him "Vile" in a text to Radio One - apparently not realizing that he was kind of proving her point...
This got me thinking about why we allow people such as this the publicity and exposure they receive. I had previously seen Dappy on "Never Mind the Buzzcocks", where he struck me as being a complete moron who took every opportunity he could get to insult the other panelists on the show (Phil Jupitus even walked off at one point he was so fed up - though he also no-doubt wanted to milk the comedic value a walk-off would have), and was just generally offensive to anyone who could hear his voice. A few weeks later, I read that he, and the other 2 members of N-DUBZ, had become the faces of the Government's newest anti-bullying campaign, and it just struck me as being ridiculous. Sure, they needed to find someone that todays youth could identify with, but Dappy seemed to me, having seen him on Buzzcocks, to be nothing more than an egotistical, Chavved up Bully himself, and surely was not an appropriate role model for young children? His record for assault didn't help too much with this image, either (and let's be honest, he looks like a prick dressed liked that - Call me a Bully, but you know I'm right). Now it seems to me that the Government's screwed itself, because they've actually encouraged Dappy's publicity, and now their anti-bullying campaigns will be forever tainted with this association.
This got me thinking, though - sure, I hate Dappy and N-DUBZ, and can't understand how such vile people can be popular among any group of society. But then it hit me - maybe I'm being a little Hypocritical. Afterall, whilst N-DUBZ encourage the Chav culture, and hold poor education, violence, and dressing like a pillock as badges of honour - those possibly aren't the worst things for a band to be encouraging.

In case you haven't read the title and you're wondering what exactly I'm talking about - I'm referring to the newest band to grace my Media Player, the Japanese "Stoner Doom Metal" band Church of Misery.
Church of Misery is a Metal Band, which includes in it's songs themes of murder and mutilation. More specifically, a number of their songs are written about specific serial killers, such as John Wayne Gacy, Gary Ridgeway, Ted Bundy, Aileen Wuornos, Charles Starkweather, and Peter Sutcliffe.
Like many people, I've always been fascinated by serial killers, wanting to know more about what drives a person to commit such acts. But something that's also concerned me is the effect of the Media on the creation of these people. I guess the best example to use is the movie Natural Born Killers by Oliver Stone. In the film, the killer duo Mickey and Mallory Knox (Based on Charles Starkweather and Caroll Fugate) drive across America, murdering countless people, but always leaving one person alive at each scene "to tell the story". Robert Downey, jr. plays a reporter (Wayne Gale), who is following this trail of death and destruction, and the main theme of the movie focuses on the role of the media in portraying and thereby enouraging such violent acts, and is a critique on the portrayal of violence we see on our TV screens, and hear about in the news.
Whilst many people do not acknowledge that watching a film, or listening to music can make someone kill - there is compelling evidence that such things can encourage the imitation of the behaviour they detail. For example, there was a case last year about a teenager who was murdered in the same manner as a character from the movie Severance, after the perpetrators watched the movie and decided to imitate it.
Now, I'm not saying everyone who listens to Church of Misery is going to start idolising serial killers, and decide to become one - but having said that, am I then in a position to say that anyone who listens to N-DUBZ is going to start idolising them, and turn into worthless Chavvy pricks themselves?



Regardless of what the answer is, I can still safely say this with my hand on my heart - I'd have Peter Sutcliffe round for dinner before Dappy any day.