Dappy Gets Caught Doing Mephedrone, then Speaks Out Against It. I Read About Dappy Doing Mephedrone, then Speak Out Against Him - The Prick (text)

BBC news today reported on the activities of my favourite rapper, Dappy, once more – this time in relation to accusations which have arisen that the star used mephedrone in a night club last month, shortly before it became illegal. Whilst I acknowledge that this hardly constitutes news, and that reporting it is indicative of nothing but a slow news day, I still can’t help but comment on the story – for reasons which will become obvious soon enough.

Whilst lower forms of media shall be reporting on the actual story itself, I myself am above such pettiness, and lament the decline of the media, chastising the man for using a substance which, at the time, was perfectly legal. No, I shall instead be reporting not on Dappy’s alleged actions, but on his words. After all, if I wanted to attack Dappy’s actions, then his texting threatening messages to a woman who dared speak out against him on the radio, or his assault charges, or indeed, his awful rapping ability, would be far more suitable starting points for mounting an assault. But instead, I want to review the man’s words. For there, and only there, lies the truth. Plus, I kinda already did that other stuff.

So, with that in mind, let us dig in to the mind of Britain’s most successful Greek Hip-Hop star:



"It's just not a thing to be doing. I've learnt my mistake. I'll never do such things again."

It’s hard to believe that Dappy, whose real name is Costas Dinos Contostavlos, got an A* grade in his English GCSE, especially when you consider that I myself only received a double A grade for English Language and Literature. Granted, I’m no Colin Dexter, and was more than satisfied with my grades, but come on – this guy can barely speak! Did he do an “English” GCSE in the same way as I did a German GCSE, or something? Hell, my German (Also an A Grade, in case you were wondering) is better than this guy’s English – and I freely admit that I can hardly speak the language! Is Dappy’s apparent pervasive developmental disorder (though, in conjunction with his short stature, is more likely to be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome induced retardation) merely an act? Indeed, the word ‘Dappy’ has recently become a pejorative term denoting an inarticulate Bellend in my personal vocabulary, so to learn that he is, in our government’s view, more qualified than I am to be writing this article, is offensive to me on so many levels. Just look at that quote above. He hasn’t learnt FROM his mistake. No, that would actually make sense. Instead, he tells us that he has “learnt his mistake”. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Now, I’m all for people substituting words in common usage in place of technically correct terms if it makes any logical sense – I myself used the term “self-depreciating humour” recently even though I KNEW the correct term was “self-deprecating”, and am personally a huge fan of Russell Brand’s speaking style, in which he combines common slang and regional dialects with an Oxbridge-esque vocabulary, in order to create a working man’s version of Queen’s English, and often attempt to imitate this myself (see every article on this site) – but how does that sentence even make sense? He learnt his mistake? What, he wanted to make a mistake to get him in the public eye once again, so he learnt to snort mephedrone in front of ‘Sun’ photographers? Is that what he’s saying? And don’t even get me started on “It’s just not a thing to be doing” (and yes, I do realise I just began a sentence with a preposition)!


Grammar makes me CRAAAAZZY!

But I’m getting too bogged-down in semantics. After all, no-one comes online for an English lesson. Except foreign people. No, what I really want to focus on is Dappy’s ATTITUDE, rather than his grammar. So, let’s take a look at another quote:




“You have to try things to understand that they're bad. But not always. I felt unwell that day."

Well, at least you started well, Dappy. But here’s a piece of advice; If you’re ever trying to win an argument, try not to contradict yourself halfway through, it just makes you sound like an idiot. Whilst the statement “You have to try things to understand they’re bad” is, in itself, a small gem of wisdom, which combines a mature, reflective opinion with a level of childhood innocence, the very next sentence cancels this out. “But not always". Really, Dappy? I thought you were being completely literal – I was going to suggest we try another Holocaust, just because I’ve never tried it, so don’t know if it was bad or not. So, not only is he apparently assuming that we’re all morons who won’t understand that his first sentence was primarily metaphorical, and designed to be more illustrative than literal, but he also undermines the original point he made by essentially telling us it was wrong.

“But not always, huh? You think maybe the time you were doing drugs was one of THOSE times?”.

Now, for the record, I was all for keeping mephedrone legal, and was opposed to the reclassification of Cannabis to a Class B drug last year (or was it the year before? I should know - given I wrote a 3,000 word report on it not that long ago), but come on – if you’re going to tell people they shouldn’t do the drug because it’s wrong, should you have been doing it yourself? Granted, I like getting handjobs off girls, but wouldn’t give a guy a handjob (under normal circumstances – there are obviously exceptions), but that’s besides the point… This is more like Peter Sutcliffe having a go at someone for murdering a prostitute – it’s not only Hypocritical, but it’s also a bit of a dick move.




"I just want to say that I'm more than glad genuinely that they've banned this thing because I've seen how many people are dying off it.”

How many people are dying from mephedrone? Reports suggest… uh, zero? Members of the ACMD and other organizations have confirmed that the effects of mephedrone are still not entirely known, and admit that there could be harmful long-term effects. However, there have been no recorded cases of anyone actually dying from the substance. Indeed, according to ACMD member and criminologist Fiona Measham (Dan Silverstone has not yet been reached for comment, but I’ll track him down if anyone actually insists on me doing so), the reporting of mephedrone-related deaths by newspapers followed "the usual cycle of ‘exaggeration, distortion, inaccuracy and sensationalism' associated with the reporting of recreational drug use". To highlight this issue, I shall, for your pleasure, overlay the results of “reported deaths” vs. “confirmed deaths” for mephedrone with the infamous Glasgow study of drugs deaths in the media:




[source]
*Occasionally suicides will be attributed to Cannabis use, whereas the study only shows those who died from the effects of the drug itself e.g. acute poisoning. On this note, I should point out that alcohol has not been measured in this fashion, and that only 9,031 deaths occured due to alcohol poisoning in 2008, but the increase in heart disease and cancer, etc. Not to mention crashes caused by drink-driving, and murders/suicides fuelled by alcohol, all combined make the 35,000 figure. This is therefore an exaggeration when compared with the other figures. My apologies - but I can't be bothered to edit the picture.

Now, I’m not saying we should all go out and do Mephedrone, but to say that you’re glad the substance was banned because so many people were dying of it seems... well, retarded. I don’t actually drink these days (1 year and 2 1/2 months without alcohol), so I almost don’t want to say this for risk of sounding like a self-righteous prick, but if ANY of those drugs needs to be illegal, it’s Alcohol (David Nutt agrees with me, the old flirt).

But let’s ignore the facts for now, and just look at IMAGE. What rapper in their right mind would do drugs, and then tell their fans that they think drugs are bad, and tell them not to take any (“I'd want any of our fans to stay well clear")? 50 Cent has never taken drugs in his life, but still wouldn’t dream of telling his fans not to take any, because no-one wants to have someone they look up to treat them like an idiot. You have to lead by example. And that’s a lot of the problem with Dappy – he seems to embody the very worse of rap culture without having any of the redeeming qualities that other rappers do. Using 50 Cent as an example, simply because I just mentioned him before, let’s compare the two:




50 is also an actual black guy, not a poor attempt to act like one.



Would someone shoot this prick already?




Artist's representation of what would happen if Dappy was shot.



Voice

I'm almost going to be sad in a year's time when N-DUBZ fade into obscurity. I may actually have to find something serious to write about... Like Gordon Brown calling that woman a Bigot, or whatever else the news is on about.

I Officially Have More Street Cred than N-DUBZ (Text)

Now, I know what you're thinking - surely everyone has more street cred than N-DUBZ, right? I mean, we've all read their book, and heard their Number One records, and we therefore all know that these guys are less gangsta than Weird Al.

However, something happened today which has changed things for ever - something every real Gangsta 4 Life expects to happen to him at one point or another. That's right - I got shot!




And I don't mean, "I was acting in a film and my character got shot", or "I was out paintballing and one of my friends shot me". No! I mean I was really, completely genuinely shot by a bullet from a rifle!





...After it had ricocheted off a metal plate, broken up, and come back a hundred yards, that is.




The offending bullet fragment, smug bastard! What's he up to? He and that Penny are planning something, I can sense it!


Having been shot, I can now speak on the subject through personal experience - and I can tell you now: That 50 Cent guy is a complete pussy; whining about how he got shot 9 times. Boo-hoo! I mean, Sure, it stung like mad for about 30 seconds, and ached a little for a couple more minutes - but if you're gonna be out on the streets hustling, you gotta be able to take that pain. Luckily, I had my jeans on, and they absorbed most of the hit - however, I have still been left horribly scarred by this ordeal:



You can kind of see a scar - if you squint...

At first, I was going to start a campaign for inner city youths to put down their guns, and come together to learn interpretive dance instead. But then I remembered that this would be the perfect opportunity for me to release my rap demo, so without further Ado, I give you:

Weex Doog feat Jesus T. Rap Demo #3 (2008)



Remember kids: Guns don't kill people - as long as they only ricochet and hit you in the leg without clipping the femoral artery.

Stay Safe!


Voice



Just for the record, since this is a couple of years old and people may think it's serious - we did this as a parody after we had wrapped filming on "Hitmen" - a film in which I had a 30 second part at the end as a white Gangsta rapper who got shot for saying "Nigga please!" when he wasn't paid enough. I had the smallest speaking role in that film, but apparently everyone who saw it kept on quoting me, and insisted I had the best part, so I'm happy.

N-DUBZ: AGAINST ALL ODDS - SNEAK PREVIEW! (Text)

There has been a lot of talk over the past couple of weeks about British rap megastars N-DUBZ’s new autobiographical book, "Against All Odds: From Street Life to Chart Life". The book details the hard times the group overcame to become the number 1 selling band they are now. Whilst most critics shall be reviewing the finished product, as available in all incredibly shitty bookstores which should be closed in my opinion for stocking such filth, I was lucky enough to be sent a draft version of the book, from before the publishers got hold of it, by an insider. So, with that in mind, I bring you the true, unedited thoughts of Dappy, Frazer and Tulisa – enjoy!




Inbox: Voice (i_miss_the_X_files@hotmail.com)

New message

From: Easyjetstelios69@Easyjet.gr
To: i_miss_the_X_files@hotmail.com
Subject: Against All odds - draft version.
Date: 02/04/2010


Voice,

Here are those pages from the new N-DUBZ biography I promised you. Feel free to use exerts at will, but promise not to publish them on your site until the book’s launch. The book is written in 3 parts, one by Tulisa, one by Frazer, and the final section is written by the group’s charismatic frontman, Dappy. In order to ensure honest opinions flourished on the pages of the book, the 3 members agreed not to read each others’ chapters, therefore offering a more real perspective on the events told. Of course, this led to a few contradictions, which the Publishers should hopefully be sorting out prior to release – however, I believe the original version has a more real, human feel to it. Keep up the good work on the site, and don’t worry about it, I’m sure that you’ll beat that O’Brien prick to any Seagal-related news that comes out this month!

Regards,

Stelios.



Attachment: N-DUBZ biography, Chapters 1-3.




TULISA


I grew up in Hatfield, just outside of Essex – my mum was working as a prostitute down in Lakeside, trading her body for alcohol and cigarettes, but she always wanted something better for me. I still remember, when I was only twelve years old, I got in a fight outside of school, and my mum was called there by the headteacher. She just gave me a long, stern look, and said “Tulisa, why are you fighting other girls like a Tomboy – you should become a slag and get your ex-convict boyfriend to beat the shit out of any girls who insult you instead”. She then went into the next room and fucked the headmaster to get me out of detention. I took those words to heart.

Aged 13, I lost my virginity to Diesel, a 26 year old Ugandan who had just gotten out of prison after serving 8 years for manslaughter (He argued provocation, cos apparently the guy was a Tottenham supporter). At first I was a bit nervous, cos I knew he already had an 8 year old kid with another girl in my class, but he convinced me that she would never find out, and we did it in the DFS showroom after hours one night (he was working there whilst on probabtion, but assured me he’d be back to robbing betting shops soon enough). It was amazing, and didn’t hurt at all, until he fucked my arse – with a cricket bat. Afterwards, as we lay in that luxury Queen sized £899.95 bed together, smoking white rhino (cannabis with heroin “dots” in it, innit?), I asked him if he was a cricket fan, and the words he told me stayed with me for years to come – “no, I jus’ carry a bat round to fuck niggaz up, innit?”. From that moment on, I started carrying a screwdriver in my purse, right next to the vibrator I stole from my mum when I was 7.

I first met Frazer when I was in his cousin’s crack house, aged 15. I had been sucking his cousin’s dick for a rock of crack, when Frazer came in. His cousin, Evil, told me I could have a whole gram if I let him and Frazer spit-roast me. I wasn’t really sure at first, because Frazer had a bit of a reputation as a Rude-Boy (I heard he once licked the chicken at the KFC he worked in before serving it), but when he told me he would wear a condom, I was sold. He blew his load in my arse, and that was when I knew we were destined for great things.

The next day, Frazer confessed to me, whilst we were out shoplifting from Harrods, that he was an aspiring rapper (well, he is black), and asked if I wanted to be his groupie. I told him I would for an ounce of crack, but also pointed out that I could rap, if he wanted a backup performer. He asked me to show him what I had, and I got my tits out. Frazer had just starting saying something about “I meant in terms of rapping ability”, when we were thrown out the store. God, princess Di’s dad is such a CUNT! I mean, what kind of a place allows public breastfeeding, but doesn’t let you show your tits? Babies are fucking disgusting, that’s why I had all 4 of mine aborted – but guys are supposed to love tits! I think this Mohammad Al-Faggot guy must be a homo or something, I mean – who wouldn’t want me? My friend Sophie told me I’m what you would get if Lady Gaga and TuPac had a kid – what guy wouldn’t find that attractive??>?

We met Dappy 3 months later, when we were performing a gig in Grays. I heard Russell Brand’s from there, but I hate him – eugh! Who does he think he is, using those big words? I mean, what does obsequious mean? “I’m a Homo”, I bet. Original humour that appeals to the middle-classes should be banned in my opinion – like that Lenny Henry – who the fuck does he think he is, talking like one of them posh pricks from Oxford Poly or something? Has he forgotten his roots? You’re black, you poser – act like it! I hope his wife leaves him.

Anyways, Dappy was our support at that gig, and we were just blown away by his style! I mean, he was wearing a sky blue tracksuit with a James May ball-ball hat, white Nike airs (size 6), and shades – at night! It was unreal! He also had all these tattoos – written in Arabic or something! He’s from Greece – I think that’s in Dubai, so that could explain it. Anyway, we all smoked some weed and agreed to form a group, and that was it – N-DUBZ were born!



FRAZER


I grew up in Hackney, London, and spent the first part of my life living with my grandparents. I was told my mother was only 15 when I was born, and that my father was the assistant manager of the MacDonalds on the M25 junction of Waterloo and had used his position of power to get my mum to sleep with him. I swore that if I ever met the guy, I would knock him out. I never saw him.

School was tough, I was one of the only black kids in my class, and was constantly teased by the Asian kids because my Grandad worked in a library, not a kebab shop. I used to visit the library after school, whilst my Grandpa was cleaning, and I would read all the books on music. One day, I read a Rick James autobiography, and it was a revelation! Black people didn’t have to be amazing on instruments to become world famous! All they needed was an average sounding bassline, and lyrics working-class white people enjoy! When Run DMC came along, I knew I was going to be just like them. But English. Of course, I said the same thing about Bon Jovi when I was 9, but this time it was different, I could feel it...

I started rapping at the age of 14, and was just starting to get good when my Grandparents were murdered in front of me outside the theatre in a drive-by shooting. I have never been able to prove who did it, but I sent my demo to Dizzee Rascal the week before, and suspect that he shot them as a warning to me to stay out the rap game, knowing I would put him to shame if I ever got up on the mike. The police said it was “random”, but what do they know? I mean, would a guy with a Mac 10 really hit 2 old people by accident if his actual target was an amateur boxer who was working part time as a bouncer on the door they were shot by? I don’t think so!

After that, I went off the rails a bit, and started hanging out with my cousin Frederick (whose friends know him as “Evil”, but whose full name is actually Frederick Winfried Frazer-Jenkins) who was a small-time crack dealer. I didn’t want to stay with him, because his house always stank of drugs and was full of underage sluts, but I had nowhere else to go – especially after I was fired from my job at KFC after licking a white guy’s chicken as revenge for him making a joke about all Black people liking Watermelon.

One night round Frederick’s I went to bed early, and one of his friends came into my room and injected me with heroin. When I woke up, I felt like absolute shit and was certain I was going to die. Frederick told me that if I wanted to counter the effects of the dope, I would have to smoke some crack. I don’t remember much more of that night, but when I woke up the next day, I had a beautiful Essex girl lying next to me, and I knew that she was the one.

That afternoon, I took Tulisa to Harrods to get her an engagement ring, and whilst we were there, I let slip that I was into music, especially groups like Run DMC and Aerosmith. She told me that she was a rapper, and would perform with me in exchange for my marrying her (I believe her exact phrase was “for a nice big rock” – obviously referring to the diamond on the engagement ring I was to get her with my Chicken Money). She showed me her breasts, presumably to show me that she was developed enough for kids, but we were kicked out the store for “indecency”. How is love indecent, I ask you? Unless it’s between a man and his Pit-bull, which is what I heard Fredrick’s mate Keyshawn is into...

Tulisa and I started playing gigs later that year, and that was where we met Dino Contostavlos, a.k.a "Dappy". I love his act, the way he plays a mentally challenged Greek guy “from the streets” on stage is hilarious – he could easily be the next “Flight of the Conchords” or Sascha Baron Cohen – I heard he even had a fake argument over style with Martin Freeman - the guy who played “Ricky C” in “Ali-G Indahouse”. I would have loved to have seen that – Dappy so clearly bases his character on Ricky C you could swear he really was a plain-old chavvy cunt. Ah, great guy... Anyway, we asked him to perform with us, and he agreed. And so N-DUBZ was born!



DAPPY

M8 I’Z A GANGSTA – WOZ BORN ONDA STREETZ OF AFFINS, AN’ SPENT ME LIFE REPRESENTIN’ DA EA$T AFFEN$ MA$$IVE, INNIT? MY DAD WANTED ME TO FOLLOW HIM INTO DA FAMILY BUSINESS, BUT I SED – YO, POPS, I DONT WANNA RUN EASYJET WEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE A RAPPER. ALL THE OTHER KIDS AT SPECIAL SKOOL ARE GONNA BE EITHA FIREMEN OR MUSICIANS, THAT’S WOT I WANNA DO! SO HE FLOO ME TA INGLAND IN HIS PRIVITE JET AND PAYED THE OWNER OF DA MOST EXCLUSIVE CLUB ON DA WEST END (ITS CALLED “BUTLINS” IF YOU WANNA VISIT SUMTIME) TO LET ME PERFORM. I OWE A LOT TO MY DAD – ITS A SHAME HIS IDEA FOR EAZY CROOZES DIDNT TAKE OFF – I TOLD HIM PEOPLE WOULD THINK IT WAS A PORN SITE FULL OF HOT SPANISH CHICKS RATHER THAN AN ORANGE BOAT COMPANY, BUT HE DIDNT LISSEN!

WEN I WAS ON STAGE ONE TIME, DIS GIRL AND DIS BLACK GUY ASKED ME TO BE IN THERE BAND – COOL, I FORT – WORKIN WIV A BLACK GUY AND A CHICK WILL BOOST MY STREET CRED (JUS LIKE THOSE ANTI-LITTER CAMPAINS WE DID LATER THAT YEAR!), AND WIV THAT, N-DUBZ WAS BORN. I NAMED THE BAND AFTER MY CLOWN DOLL FROM WEN I WAS A KID – N-DUBZ IS THE BE$ST GREAK KIDZ SHOW EVA!!!

SAFE, YEAHS?





The horror...


Voice