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Showing posts with label preview. Show all posts
Showing posts with label preview. Show all posts

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Inception Preview (Text)

So I'm off to see Inception tonight, and will no doubt be reviewing it very soon. Before I do so, however, I thought I might give all of you a little preview of my thoughts going into this movie. Not about the movie, as such, but more about its Director, Christopher Nolan...


Christopher Nolan’s newest movie, Inception, has received nothing but praise from audiences and critics alike since its release a few weeks ago. It has risen to #3 on the Internet Movie Database’s list of the top 250 films (a list that Trailer Park Boys is curiously absent from, despite having an average rating of 8.1), and is being talked about by damn near everyone. But I’m still not sure it’s going to live up to the hype.

Now, it’s no secret that I disliked The Dark Knight, despite the fact that almost everyone else I’ve mentioned this to thinks I’m an idiot for saying so, and it may seem like I’m getting ready to hate on Inception based solely on my dislike for Nolan’s last film, without even giving his newest offering a chance. But the fact is, Nolan does have a real problem with his movies, despite the fact that I seem to be the only person on Earth to have even noticed this (just like how I seem to be the only non film student who realises the violence in David Cronenburg’s movies isn’t at all ‘realistic’ just because it’s graphic; but is in fact heavily stylized). And that problem is this: the endings of his movies NEVER make sense.

Oh, don’t believe me? Well, let’s see, shall we?



MEMENTO



The ending to this one is actually pretty cool, and was a nice twist. Hell, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it turned out M. Night Shayamalan wrote this movie (Though I was surprised when I learnt he wrote Stuart Little), because I can imagine people saying “ooh! What a twist!” whilst watching it. But it doesn’t make sense: Larry discovers that his wife survived the attack, and that the story he had been telling everyone about Sammy killing his diabetic wife was actually his own story – fine, I get that. It’s cool. Then we have the fact that his wife’s attacker is already dead, and that Teddy in fact helped Larry find the guy, and that Larry was the one who killed him. Again, nicely done, I’m loving this shit. But this is where it gets dodgy. Larry finds out the guy he’s just killed was some drug dealer Teddy wanted off the streets, and that Teddy has been using him all along, playing on the fact that Larry wants revenge for a crime that he can’t avenging already, and using this to get Larry to take care of people he wants dead. Larry isn’t happy about this, but Teddy points out that it gives Larry’s life a purpose; his hunt for the killers is the only thing that’s keeping Larry going. Larry is mad and wants revenge on Teddy, so decides to set him up as the next victim in the hunt for his wife’s attacker, and leaves himself clues to find Teddy, knowing he will kill him once he has followed all the clues.

Now, let’s think about this for a second. Larry sets Teddy up to be his next victim as revenge for Teddy using him. But why does he do this? If Larry just wants revenge on Teddy, he might as well just kill him then and there. After all, there’s already the body of a drug dealer in the basement, an undercover cop’s body turning up at the exact same scene would just make it look like a rip-and-run had occurred, or the deal had gone bad. But maybe Larry feels that he can’t just kill Teddy, because he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did? Well, thinking about this logically, this is also a ridiculous suggestion, for 3 reasons

1. Larry has just killed a man 5 minutes earlier, so is clearly capable of doing so. Now, you may say that this doesn’t count, because he killed this other man in revenge, and hatred makes you capable of doing things you couldn’t normally do. Fine, that’s a sound argument. Were it not for the fact that:

2. Larry wants Teddy dead as revenge for using him before! If Larry just wanted to find someone to kill to make himself feel better, he could have set up literally anyone. Hell, if he’d stuck with the guys Teddy was getting him to kill, he would have been killing far more deserving people. The only reason he chose Teddy was as revenge for Teddy using him, and he therefore has his motivation right there. If he wants revenge on Teddy enough to kill him, he should do so then and there. If he doesn’t want to kill Teddy then, why does he want to set himself up to kill him in a few days? Either he wants Teddy dead, or he doesn’t, and if he does, why not kill him right then? After all:

3. It’s not as if he’ll remember anything! If Larry is worried about feeling guilt or remorse for killing Teddy then and there rather than setting him up to be killed later, then he must already feel guilt for setting Teddy up – but he knows he will forget about that. So why doesn’t it seem to register with him that if he murders Teddy he will be no more likely to remember it than he is to remember setting Teddy up like that?

Of course, if he kills him on the spot, Larry won’t be able to keep going, trying to find his wife’s killer, and so his life won’t have purpose, but in his ending monologue, Larry goes on about how he thinks the fact the world goes on without him is important, and that he’s glad there’s a bigger world out there than just what his mind will allow him to see. He says he wants his life and actions to have meaning, so why would he set up a scenario which can only benefit himself, by giving him something to do? After all, the real attacker is already dead, so any real impact on the world Larry wants to gain from going after Teddy has already been achieved. He is only going after Teddy because it will keep him busy for a while, and yet he then says how important the world outside of what directly effects him is to him. It doesn’t make sense, and is nothing but hypocrisy. Plus, since it only takes him a couple of days to kill Teddy, it means that he is basically back in the exact same position of not having a John G to kill only 2 days later. A man gave his life to keep Guy Pearce entertained for about 2 days, which he forgot five minutes later anyway. Yeah, great ending there, Chris.




The only thing I can think is that I didn’t get the ending, and there’s some kind of hidden meaning in the ending monologue. Maybe Larry is actually Sammy, and he’s sitting in the mental hospital imagining everything? That’s all I can think of. Otherwise, this ending doesn’t make any logical sense. If he wants Teddy dead, he should kill him then, if he doesn’t, he shouldn’t. Simple as that. The whole film is therefore rendered essentially pointless by the ending revelation – which makes for what I call a bad ending. Hell, having it so he was in a mental hospital imagining everything wouldn’t be any worse than that: either way the whole thing was pointless.



THE PRESTIGE



Ok, Hugh Jackman has a cloning machine which he uses to put on the greatest magic show ever. He walks in, and clones himself, then he falls through a trap door in the floor of the stage, and into a glass box filled with water, which he drowns in. At the same time, however, his newly created clone appears at the back of the theatre, becoming the Prestige which he ends the trick, and the show, with. He can perform this trick as many times as he likes, but either he or the clone will die each time, as the one in the machine must fall into the water. This must happen because if he did not kill either himself or the clone every night, eventually there would be countless versions of him walking around, and this would create a massive problem. Killing is the only way.

Except that the trick would have worked just as well if he had cloned himself once, and then done the trick exactly the same way as Bale’s character did, only with a clone instead of an identical twin. That’s it. No killing, no dying. No worrying about whether he is going to be the man in the box, or whether he shall be the Prestige, just Jackman and his clone, chilling like Bale and his twin. Simple. Hell, at the end of the film, Hugh Jackman’s character acknowledges that the original version of himself must be dead: if the original was transported and the clone created in the machine, then he shot his original self when he first used the machine. If the original stayed in the same place and the clone was created elsewhere, then the original drowned on the first night of the show. In this same conversation, he speaks of the horror of stepping into the machine, knowing there was every chance he was about to die a horrible death, despite the fact it was so easily avoidable if he just used common sense! He had already used a body double earlier on in the film – and that only failed because the guy didn’t look quite enough like him (it’ll probably turn out Jackman played his own double now I’ve typed this) – why not just do it the exact same way but WITH AN EXACT CLONE OF HIMSELF? Seriously, what a retarded plot hole.

Again, all I can think of is that his subconscious wanted him to go through drowning all those times over so he could experience what his wife went through in the final seconds of her life, but then why bitch about the horror of it to your mortal enemy when he’s just about to kill you? I just don’t understand…



THE DARK KNIGHT



Batman unites the people of Gotham against the mobsters and other criminals, and forces the police department to clean up its act, which allows the election of Harvey Dent as the DA for the city. Harvey Dent is involved in a big explosion which causes half his face to be burned off, and his girlfriend is killed at the exact same time, which drives him insane. Dent becomes a villain, named Two-Face, and decides to start killing dudes, because why not? At the end, Batman is forced to kill him, and then explains to commissioner Gordon what must be done to regain the trust of the people, so that evil will not prevail. How does he do this? By getting Gordon to tell everyone that he, Batman, the man who brought Gotham back from the brink of collapse into a society of scum and villains, killed the innocent Harvey Dent, and to deny that Two-Face ever existed.


What?

So let me get this straight; the great hero that all the people of the city are rallying round, the one that keeps the criminals scared and the police in order, is being made into a scapegoat for the murder of a DA? And that’s supposed to help? There are only 2 ways that scenario could possibly pan out:

1. People think Batman’s lost it and killed an innocent man. Everything reverts to exactly how it was before Batman turned up in the first place, and the mob take over the city again.

2. People think Dent must have been corrupt, and that Batman is just branching out and tackling corrupt officials. Dent’s name is smeared even more than if people knew he had lost it and become Two Face.

Literally, that’s it! I don’t see any other way that can resolve itself. God, I hated that ending, but since I’ve done a full review of The Dark Knight already, let’s just sum up by saying; it doesn’t make sense.


And let’s not forget Batman Begins; the guy who trains Batman to fight crime is actually evil and wants him dead? I mean, I don’t really mind that ending, but it’s hardly brilliant, is it? Plus, they just close down a whole big section of the city and give the inmates of the mental asylum free reign forever after? I’m sorry, what?




Basically, fuck Nolan’s endings. Let’s hope Inception’s a bit better (and that it won’t turn out the characters were dead all along, or something).



Voice

Saturday, 17 April 2010

N-DUBZ: AGAINST ALL ODDS - SNEAK PREVIEW! (Text)



There has been a lot of talk over the past couple of weeks about British rap megastars N-DUBZ’s new autobiographical book, "Against All Odds: From Street Life to Chart Life". The book details the hard times the group overcame to become the number 1 selling band they are now. Whilst most critics shall be reviewing the finished product, as available in all incredibly shitty bookstores which should be closed in my opinion for stocking such filth, I was lucky enough to be sent a draft version of the book, from before the publishers got hold of it, by an insider. So, with that in mind, I bring you the true, unedited thoughts of Dappy, Frazer and Tulisa – enjoy!




Inbox: Voice (i_miss_the_X_files@hotmail.com)

New message

From: Easyjetstelios69@Easyjet.gr
To: i_miss_the_X_files@hotmail.com
Subject: Against All odds - draft version.
Date: 02/04/2010


Voice,

Here are those pages from the new N-DUBZ biography I promised you. Feel free to use exerts at will, but promise not to publish them on your site until the book’s launch. The book is written in 3 parts, one by Tulisa, one by Frazer, and the final section is written by the group’s charismatic frontman, Dappy. In order to ensure honest opinions flourished on the pages of the book, the 3 members agreed not to read each others’ chapters, therefore offering a more real perspective on the events told. Of course, this led to a few contradictions, which the Publishers should hopefully be sorting out prior to release – however, I believe the original version has a more real, human feel to it. Keep up the good work on the site, and don’t worry about it, I’m sure that you’ll beat that O’Brien prick to any Seagal-related news that comes out this month!

Regards,

Stelios.



Attachment: N-DUBZ biography, Chapters 1-3.




TULISA


I grew up in Hatfield, just outside of Essex – my mum was working as a prostitute down in Lakeside, trading her body for alcohol and cigarettes, but she always wanted something better for me. I still remember, when I was only twelve years old, I got in a fight outside of school, and my mum was called there by the headteacher. She just gave me a long, stern look, and said “Tulisa, why are you fighting other girls like a Tomboy – you should become a slag and get your ex-convict boyfriend to beat the shit out of any girls who insult you instead”. She then went into the next room and fucked the headmaster to get me out of detention. I took those words to heart.

Aged 13, I lost my virginity to Diesel, a 26 year old Ugandan who had just gotten out of prison after serving 8 years for manslaughter (He argued provocation, cos apparently the guy was a Tottenham supporter). At first I was a bit nervous, cos I knew he already had an 8 year old kid with another girl in my class, but he convinced me that she would never find out, and we did it in the DFS showroom after hours one night (he was working there whilst on probabtion, but assured me he’d be back to robbing betting shops soon enough). It was amazing, and didn’t hurt at all, until he fucked my arse – with a cricket bat. Afterwards, as we lay in that luxury Queen sized £899.95 bed together, smoking white rhino (cannabis with heroin “dots” in it, innit?), I asked him if he was a cricket fan, and the words he told me stayed with me for years to come – “no, I jus’ carry a bat round to fuck niggaz up, innit?”. From that moment on, I started carrying a screwdriver in my purse, right next to the vibrator I stole from my mum when I was 7.

I first met Frazer when I was in his cousin’s crack house, aged 15. I had been sucking his cousin’s dick for a rock of crack, when Frazer came in. His cousin, Evil, told me I could have a whole gram if I let him and Frazer spit-roast me. I wasn’t really sure at first, because Frazer had a bit of a reputation as a Rude-Boy (I heard he once licked the chicken at the KFC he worked in before serving it), but when he told me he would wear a condom, I was sold. He blew his load in my arse, and that was when I knew we were destined for great things.

The next day, Frazer confessed to me, whilst we were out shoplifting from Harrods, that he was an aspiring rapper (well, he is black), and asked if I wanted to be his groupie. I told him I would for an ounce of crack, but also pointed out that I could rap, if he wanted a backup performer. He asked me to show him what I had, and I got my tits out. Frazer had just starting saying something about “I meant in terms of rapping ability”, when we were thrown out the store. God, princess Di’s dad is such a CUNT! I mean, what kind of a place allows public breastfeeding, but doesn’t let you show your tits? Babies are fucking disgusting, that’s why I had all 4 of mine aborted – but guys are supposed to love tits! I think this Mohammad Al-Faggot guy must be a homo or something, I mean – who wouldn’t want me? My friend Sophie told me I’m what you would get if Lady Gaga and TuPac had a kid – what guy wouldn’t find that attractive??>?

We met Dappy 3 months later, when we were performing a gig in Grays. I heard Russell Brand’s from there, but I hate him – eugh! Who does he think he is, using those big words? I mean, what does obsequious mean? “I’m a Homo”, I bet. Original humour that appeals to the middle-classes should be banned in my opinion – like that Lenny Henry – who the fuck does he think he is, talking like one of them posh pricks from Oxford Poly or something? Has he forgotten his roots? You’re black, you poser – act like it! I hope his wife leaves him.

Anyways, Dappy was our support at that gig, and we were just blown away by his style! I mean, he was wearing a sky blue tracksuit with a James May ball-ball hat, white Nike airs (size 6), and shades – at night! It was unreal! He also had all these tattoos – written in Arabic or something! He’s from Greece – I think that’s in Dubai, so that could explain it. Anyway, we all smoked some weed and agreed to form a group, and that was it – N-DUBZ were born!



FRAZER


I grew up in Hackney, London, and spent the first part of my life living with my grandparents. I was told my mother was only 15 when I was born, and that my father was the assistant manager of the MacDonalds on the M25 junction of Waterloo and had used his position of power to get my mum to sleep with him. I swore that if I ever met the guy, I would knock him out. I never saw him.

School was tough, I was one of the only black kids in my class, and was constantly teased by the Asian kids because my Grandad worked in a library, not a kebab shop. I used to visit the library after school, whilst my Grandpa was cleaning, and I would read all the books on music. One day, I read a Rick James autobiography, and it was a revelation! Black people didn’t have to be amazing on instruments to become world famous! All they needed was an average sounding bassline, and lyrics working-class white people enjoy! When Run DMC came along, I knew I was going to be just like them. But English. Of course, I said the same thing about Bon Jovi when I was 9, but this time it was different, I could feel it...

I started rapping at the age of 14, and was just starting to get good when my Grandparents were murdered in front of me outside the theatre in a drive-by shooting. I have never been able to prove who did it, but I sent my demo to Dizzee Rascal the week before, and suspect that he shot them as a warning to me to stay out the rap game, knowing I would put him to shame if I ever got up on the mike. The police said it was “random”, but what do they know? I mean, would a guy with a Mac 10 really hit 2 old people by accident if his actual target was an amateur boxer who was working part time as a bouncer on the door they were shot by? I don’t think so!

After that, I went off the rails a bit, and started hanging out with my cousin Frederick (whose friends know him as “Evil”, but whose full name is actually Frederick Winfried Frazer-Jenkins) who was a small-time crack dealer. I didn’t want to stay with him, because his house always stank of drugs and was full of underage sluts, but I had nowhere else to go – especially after I was fired from my job at KFC after licking a white guy’s chicken as revenge for him making a joke about all Black people liking Watermelon.

One night round Frederick’s I went to bed early, and one of his friends came into my room and injected me with heroin. When I woke up, I felt like absolute shit and was certain I was going to die. Frederick told me that if I wanted to counter the effects of the dope, I would have to smoke some crack. I don’t remember much more of that night, but when I woke up the next day, I had a beautiful Essex girl lying next to me, and I knew that she was the one.

That afternoon, I took Tulisa to Harrods to get her an engagement ring, and whilst we were there, I let slip that I was into music, especially groups like Run DMC and Aerosmith. She told me that she was a rapper, and would perform with me in exchange for my marrying her (I believe her exact phrase was “for a nice big rock” – obviously referring to the diamond on the engagement ring I was to get her with my Chicken Money). She showed me her breasts, presumably to show me that she was developed enough for kids, but we were kicked out the store for “indecency”. How is love indecent, I ask you? Unless it’s between a man and his Pit-bull, which is what I heard Fredrick’s mate Keyshawn is into...

Tulisa and I started playing gigs later that year, and that was where we met Dino Contostavlos, a.k.a "Dappy". I love his act, the way he plays a mentally challenged Greek guy “from the streets” on stage is hilarious – he could easily be the next “Flight of the Conchords” or Sascha Baron Cohen – I heard he even had a fake argument over style with Martin Freeman - the guy who played “Ricky C” in “Ali-G Indahouse”. I would have loved to have seen that – Dappy so clearly bases his character on Ricky C you could swear he really was a plain-old chavvy cunt. Ah, great guy... Anyway, we asked him to perform with us, and he agreed. And so N-DUBZ was born!



DAPPY

M8 I’Z A GANGSTA – WOZ BORN ONDA STREETZ OF AFFINS, AN’ SPENT ME LIFE REPRESENTIN’ DA EA$T AFFEN$ MA$$IVE, INNIT? MY DAD WANTED ME TO FOLLOW HIM INTO DA FAMILY BUSINESS, BUT I SED – YO, POPS, I DONT WANNA RUN EASYJET WEN I GROW UP, I WANT TO BE A RAPPER. ALL THE OTHER KIDS AT SPECIAL SKOOL ARE GONNA BE EITHA FIREMEN OR MUSICIANS, THAT’S WOT I WANNA DO! SO HE FLOO ME TA INGLAND IN HIS PRIVITE JET AND PAYED THE OWNER OF DA MOST EXCLUSIVE CLUB ON DA WEST END (ITS CALLED “BUTLINS” IF YOU WANNA VISIT SUMTIME) TO LET ME PERFORM. I OWE A LOT TO MY DAD – ITS A SHAME HIS IDEA FOR EAZY CROOZES DIDNT TAKE OFF – I TOLD HIM PEOPLE WOULD THINK IT WAS A PORN SITE FULL OF HOT SPANISH CHICKS RATHER THAN AN ORANGE BOAT COMPANY, BUT HE DIDNT LISSEN!

WEN I WAS ON STAGE ONE TIME, DIS GIRL AND DIS BLACK GUY ASKED ME TO BE IN THERE BAND – COOL, I FORT – WORKIN WIV A BLACK GUY AND A CHICK WILL BOOST MY STREET CRED (JUS LIKE THOSE ANTI-LITTER CAMPAINS WE DID LATER THAT YEAR!), AND WIV THAT, N-DUBZ WAS BORN. I NAMED THE BAND AFTER MY CLOWN DOLL FROM WEN I WAS A KID – N-DUBZ IS THE BE$ST GREAK KIDZ SHOW EVA!!!

SAFE, YEAHS?





The horror...


Voice