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Wednesday, 14 July 2010

What to do if your Girlfriend wants to see the new Twilight movie and is planning on dragging you along...



(for those of you not familiar with Richard Trenton Chase, you can find his Wikipedia page HERE. If you haven't heard the Church of Misery song about him, shame on you, here it is).

Let me know if you like the comics, if you don't; I'll stop (I promise).


Saturday, 10 July 2010

Abortion Adverts

So apparently there's been outrage over this airing of an advert for abortions. Now, for those of you who don't know; this is the first time they have legally been allowed to advertise abortion on television. Prior to this, they've been running retarded contraception adverts which anyone with a brain can tell you is pointless, because teenagers smart enough to use contraception are already doing so (which, granted, is almost certainly a minority). So, the Government has brought in a new scheme, showing pro-abortion adverts, and this has disgusted pro-life and christian groups (don't you just love the term "pro-life"? it's like anyone who isn't anti-abortion is actively against life - like if you support abortions, you're a serial killer! But I don't want to brag too much about my personal life here...), who see it as being wrong, and such (I don't have a quote from a Church group regarding abortions, but I am informed that God hates the Fag enablers, which is probably relevant somehow???).

Ironically, there's a picture of the white kid's dad from 30 years ago wearing a shirt saying "God Hates Niggers"... what's the bet in 30 years time this kid's son will be standing with a really camp looking gay kid wearing a shirt saying "God Hates Prawns", or something? Oh, also - THEY HAVE THEIR OWN WEBSITE?

In fact, ITV (the channel which aired this abortion advert - duh! It wasn't going to be BBC, was it? What's that? It's been almost 40 years since there were only 2 channels on TV? And I was born after MTV was invented? And I'm a prick? Huh. Hurtful.) received an astonishing 350 complaints over this ad (which sounds huge until you bear in mind that 20,000 people apparently complained about Wossy and Russell Brand leaving Andrew Sachs lewd phone messages - that's more people than watched Cracked TV when it was on!). So what, you may ask, is the controversy all about? Is it gruesome? Does it actively promote abortions in all cases of pregnancy? Was it funded by the devil himself? Or the fag enablers? Have a look for yourself. That's right - I have the offending advert, and I've uploaded it to YouTube for the world to see. So, here it is - what will undoubtedly become one of the most infamous adverts in British history, the first ever pro-abortion commercial:

Hard to see what all the fuss is about, really....


p.s. yes, I will write something serious again soon - I'm just a tad busy at the moment. I'll probably try and catch a film in the week or something, let you know what I think. Latas, Geezas.

Monday, 5 July 2010

Poor Casting: The Stretch Armstrong Movie - Pictures :D

So Apparently they’re making a “Stretch Armstrong” movie. For those of you not familiar with the character, Stretch Armstrong is a superhero who can supposedly stretch himself into any form, but will always return to his original shape. So yes, this will just be Fantastic 4 without The Thing, The Human Torch or Susan Storm.

Like this, but without the invisible woman.

Now, I never actually owned a Stretch Armstrong action figure (it’s not a doll!!!!!), but I was always a big fan, repeatedly mentioning him in philosophical debates. Specifically, by asking “if Stretch Armstrong got sucked into a Black Hole, what would happen to him?” (Surprisingly, this tended to generate even more debate than the “if God has always existed, why did he only create the Universe now?” question (in case you were interested, though, it’s because he operates outside of our space and time, and is in a dimension beyond our comprehension. And also technically isn’t a ‘he’. And doesn’t exist. I dunno, there were a lot of people in my Philosophy class…)).

But the reason I’m so pissed off with this movie isn’t because I feel the Stretch is a sacred subject who should not be tackled by movie studios. No, it’s because of who they’ve cast to play him:

That’s right. Taylor fucking Lautner. Just for the record, this is what Stretch Armstrong looks like:

Yeah, Udo Dirkschneider on steroids. Not a pre-pubescent Indian kid with a rat-face.

One of these two is cool. I'll let you decide for yourselves...

Now, granted, I’ve never seen Lautner act, so he could be brilliant, but as a Stretch Armstrong fanboy, I feel it is my duty to base every decision I make purely on how the actor looks, just like those Bond fanboys who were hating on Craig before Casino Royale, when I was supporting him, then insisted Quantum of Solace was brilliant, when it was shit.

Do you see what you've done, fanboys? DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!?!??!!! AAAAAAARRRRRGGH!!!!!!

But come on, how the hell is the Werewolf guy from Twilight gonna be able to pull off Stretch Armstrong? Aside from being way too young and not manly enough, the common consensus seems to be that he only gets parts because of the way he looks, and since he doesn’t look right for this part, why the hell has it got it?

Oops, accidentally posted an image from my "people I need to kill" list. Es Gibt Zu Viele Menschen...

I honestly can’t see this turning out well. I suspect it will be on a par with the Spiderman reboot, in which they intend to make the franchise more “gritty” whilst at the same time shooting it in 3D. Because fuck you, that’s why. Seriously, you want to make a movie Gritty so you shoot it using a Gimmick aimed primarily at kids? I swear, next they’ll be shooting Saw 7 in 3D. Oh wait…

There is, however, a chance this kid will pull it off. After all, who would have thought to cast Vin Diesel as James Earl Cash in Manhunt in that alternate reality I just made up in my head? But he was perfect for the role! In light of this, and to celebrate how fantastically bad the studios are at miscasting movies in general, I have decided to make you some pictures of hilarious casting mistakes that we might as well have had over the years. Enjoy!

I was going to open this up as a competition, but since no-one actually reads this Blog, that would be pointless. Instead, I'll just leave this as it is - I hope you enjoyed my attempts at recasting.


To be honest, I think most of these would be better than the originals...