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Sunday, 9 January 2011

Call Me a Nerd if You Want. I Don't Care. You're Just Jealous My Controller Glows in the Dark and Yours Doesn't.

I play consoles round friends’ houses relatively often. Not because I’m such a socially retarded douchebag that I only hang out with people to play video games, but because often it’s cool to just kick back and play some Xbox when you’re waiting for inspiration to strike. But something which has always surprised me about playing on other people’s consoles is this: I would very often go to pick up the nearest controller, and be told by the console’s owner that I had to use the other controller, because the one I picked up is their “limited edition Halo controller”. In fact, this has happened with 4 different people (You would think I would learn after the first 3, really). No joke.

You've probably seen them around...

The reason I always found this bizarre is simply because everyone who owns an Xbox 360 seems to own a “limited edition Halo controller”, and those who don’t have a “limited edition Call of Duty controller”. In fact, these supposed “limited edition controllers” seem to be just as common as the regular controllers, so it just seems bizarre that anyone would care more about one than they would an ordinary controller.

Not only this, but they seem to only exist for games that everyone is a fan of, and that everyone will consequently own the controller for. Now, I see the logic behind this for the company producing the controllers, because they’re going to make a lot more money this way. But I don’t see the logic behind why people who buy these dirt-common controllers for popular games then act as though they’re some sacred ultra-rare artifact that needs to be guarded against the evils of my palm sweat (and possible “sticky palms”. Oh wait, I do see the logic behind protecting your possessions from that).

But today, I received something which has changed my view of controller snobs forever. Today, I finally got the controller of my dreams, the controller I deserve. That’s right, I got a limited edition Splinter Cell controller for the PS2:

Now, I know what you’re thinking: Splinter Cell was also a very popular game (hence the four sequels), so I’m not really showing my originality by purchasing this controller. However, not only is Splinter Cell a far more underground series than “Call of Duty”, “Halo” or “Medal of Honor”, but, let’s face it, how many people do you know who owned ‘Splinter Cell’ brand controllers for their PS2 back in the day? I’m guessing none.

The reason for this guess is that I wasn’t even aware they existed until just over a week ago. Seriously, I don’t ever remember seeing one when the PS2 was big – otherwise I would have bought one back then – and I’ve never heard anyone else mention they had one. Which is why I was so surprised to find one online, on Amazon Marketplace, for a measly £7.90. For comparison’s sake; the cheapest you can get a standard PS2 controller for is £6.99. The official Sony one like my other controller is £18.99. Now, whilst the Splinter Cell controller is not an official Sony product, it is still officially licensed by Ubisoft, who make the Splinter Cell games, so was guaranteed to be bitchin’. The fact is, I went online looking to buy a regular controller, saw the wireless ones for £9.99 (unofficial) and thought “why not?”, then noticed the Splinter Cell controller and thought “I must have it”, so bought that one instead. And you know what? I’m damn well glad I made that choice. “Why’s that?” you may ask. And I shall tell you.


Yes, I am as easy to amuse as a 6 year old. Problem?

But seriously, the analogues handle well, the triggers are better than on my official Sony controller (though that is getting on a bit in Sony’s defence), and did I mention it GLOWS IN THE FUCKING DARK?

Seriously, what's cooler than playing a stealth ninja who creeps through the shadows wearing night vision on a controller which glows green (the same colour as night vision!!!!) when it's dark? Literally nothing.

Good attempt, though.

Sure, the vibration function is pretty bad, and vibrates too much so ends up just rattling in your hand rather than giving a realistic buzz as the Sony controllers do. But hey, this shit is rare, which instantly makes it cool. Hell, it seemed a shame just to take it out the packaging, given it had been kept in there in perfect condition for so long. But I did take it out, and you know why? Because damn it, I couldn’t resist the temptation to play Chaos Theory on a Glow-in-the-Dark controller. Ok?

Heaven is a place where controllers glow green in the dark.


When not masturbating over the Splinter Cell series, Voice reviews the odd film, and wishes he was even half as cool as Morgan Freeman.

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