Sunday, 24 October 2010
Florida Pastor Given New Car to Not Burn Qu'ran. Sets a Dangerous Precident (That We Can All Exploit). (Text)
Official warning: If you are easily offended, or even get offended at pretty well anything, I advise you to skip this article. All suggestions made are for illustrative and comedic purposes only, and are not to be taken seriously. I am in no way advising you to actually do any of the things suggested in this article, no matter how hilarious they may be. The word 'nigger' is again used only for illustrative purposes, but has been left uncensored because, honestly, if you were clicking this link not expecting anything that offensive, you really haven't been on this Blog much. Cunt.
Am I the only one who realizes a "day" isn't 3 hours long??
It was revealed yesterday that the Florida pastor who planned to burn copies of the Qu’ran in order to mark the 9th anniversary of the Twin Towers attacks was given a brand new Hyundai by a New Jersey car dealership as a thank you for not going through with his book burning. Unfortunately for car dealerships across the globe, but fortunately for us, this has now set a precedent. So, in order to cash in on this 'outrage for cars' scheme, I’ve decided to pitch you a few ideas on how best to offend people, and what their relative value in vehicle would be.
Sit in the audience for the next Question Time, and when picked by David Dimbleby to ask the next question, call out the Conservative MP and say “You know, I hear a lot of people say that the Tories are right-wing, and ‘fascist’. But if the Conservatives really are Nazis, then why is our economy so bad? Everyone knows that Hitler had the best economic policy of the 30s”. When you are misquoted the next day in the papers and on Blogs, state that you are fed up with the media implying that every compliment directed at Hitler is “anti-semitic” and that you believe there should be a statue of Hitler built on the fourth plinth at Trafalgar square to correct the damage caused to his reputation by these implications. Turn up the next day with a news crew, a picture of Hitler, and some building materials, and get to work. I guarantee you’ll have at least a new Subaru by lunchtime.
Make a short film in which you play Jesus, but set in the modern day. Don’t specifically say it’s Christ, but imply that it could be. Open with you telling off your friend for saying that someone “Jewed him”, because it’s not nice to insult other people’s cultures. Once it’s clear that he’s got the message, show Jesus walk into the bathroom and sit on the toilet, then pull out a copy of the Qu’ran and start reading it whilst he takes a shit. There should be a cut to the end of the scene as Jesus has finished taking his shit, and he should then realize there is no toilet paper. Doing the only logical thing, Jesus tears pages out of the Qu’ran to wipe his arse with, then flushes them down the toilet. Just as they pass into the U-Bend, and Jesus has pulled his trousers up, the door to the bathroom should fly open and Allah should walk in screaming “YOU DARE DESECRATE THE QU’RAN, INFIDEL?!?!?”. Jesus should then shout “FUCK YOU ALLAH” and set him on fire using a nearby can of hairspray and his lighter. Allah should jump out the window on fire, screaming, and fall 2 stories into the garden below. Jesus should then sit back on the toilet, satisfied with a job well done, before lighting up a crack pipe and having a wank. Put this on YouTube and I guarantee that within a day you’ll either have been beheaded, or will be the owner of a mint condition classic Jaguar.
Get yourself a police scanner, and wait for anything to come across the radio about sex assaults in your area. When one does happen, race to the scene of the incident, and await the media. When the reporters arrive, act like you were there the whole time and saw everything. When they interview you, start with generic comments about the kind of day you had, then say “but to be honest, I think most rape victims bring it on themselves. I mean, all these girls go around dressed like sluts, then go crying to the police when they get raped? Please. They brought it on themselves by dressing like tramps in the first place. Thank you.” Then walk off. When this airs, there will be outrage, and you will receive threats from a lot of people. When you are interviewed about how you feel in relation to the threats, complain that “it’s only the whores who are complaining, because they know deep down that I’m right”. Publicly commission a famous artist to paint an impression of Richard Speck raping 7 nurses entitled ‘The Whores get what they deserve!’ and tell the press you intend to offer it to the King of Uganda as a gift from the British people. Then say that maybe if Ugandans followed your advice, it would stop the spread of HIV, because only whores can carry the disease, and men who kill them should be honoured as heroes. This will probably see you shot by a lesbian who wears organic sweaters, but could easily bag you a Mercedes S-Class if you time it just right.
Buy a bunch of T-shirts from Westboro Baptist Church, and start a rally in your local town shouting about how “Homo sex is sin”. Don’t even try to find a reference to this in the Bible, and do not apply any logic to what you are saying – if anyone comes at you with a logical argument for why your statements don’t make sense, just shout louder until they give up. Tell the media you are standing up for what is right, and that you want your children to grow up in a future free from Sodomy. Boycott movies such as Brokeback Mountain, Top Gun and Exit Wounds, saying they promote the ‘fag agenda’, and start using terms like ‘fag enabler’ despite them being kinda nonsensical. Threaten to boycott a soldier’s funeral, then when you are told to fuck off, whine to the press about how they are breaching your right to free speech, and claim that in response to this, you are going to burn every copy of the Gay Times in existence. When this is met by an uninterested response of “yeah, whatever”, threaten to start burning gay people at the stake as well. This could well land you enough time in prison showers for you to honestly start thinking being gay is a bad thing, but if you get lucky, you may just get away with a pay-off in the league of a mint condition Lancia Delta.
Call into a radio show on criminology (or economics), and tell the guest speaker that the easiest way to reduce crime in this country would be to make black people illegal. When asked what you could possibly mean by that sentence, tell him that you mean you think being black should be an offense in and of itself, because they are all criminals, and should therefore be locked up. When other callers start complaining about you, calling you “bigoted” or “fascist”, respond by pulling statistics out of you arse stating that more murders occur at KFC restaurants than at any other location in the country. Do not elaborate on this, it seems more racist if you just leave it at that. Invite Nick Griffin to appear in a podcast with you, and lambast him for not being tough enough on black criminals. No matter what he says, upstage him in racistness and ignorance (for example, be ignorant of the fact that racistness isn’t really a word). Example:
Griffin: Well, of course, we want to kick all the immigrants out of our country.
You: Why, so they can flood other respectable white countries like Germany??? You sound like a nigger-enabler to me, Griffin. Are you sure you didn’t vote for Obama?
Griffin: Uh, Obama’s the American President?
You: So, you helped a half breed gain access to the nuclear arsenal of the most powerful nation on Earth? My God, let’s hope his white half can keep his nigger-half in check, otherwise may God have mercy on us all!
After building up as much publicity as you reasonably can, reveal to the press that you intend to run as MP in your area. At your first actual press conference, state “Well, of course, those niggers in Zimbabwe got one thing right: dissenters must be butchered with machete’s!”. Make sure whenever you are seen after this date, you are holding a worryingly blood-stained machete, and tell people that when you get into power, “hunting season will be open”. You may be lynched by black people or anti-fascists, which would kind of prove you had a point (even though you were just putting it on, of course), but it’s far more likely the secret service will send someone to kill you and make it look like a suicide, just like they did with Dr David Kelly. However, there is a very small chance the Government will be willing to negotiate with you, and if they are, you’re sure to get at least an Aston Martin DB5!
Write this fucking article and not get killed. Seriously, I deserve a fucking Bugatti Veyron MkII for this shit – I did not realize I even had the mental capacity to think of shit this offensive! God, I need help.
Ok, so I've insulted Jews, Christans, Muslims, Homosexuals, Black People, Women, Immigrants in General, and used the term "retarded" in a derogatory manner, as I must be retarded to have posted this online. I think my work here is done...
The Voice From the Pillow is just a character created for the purposes of humour, and in no way reflects my actual opinions whatsoever. I swear to God! (I call him a cunt).