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Sunday, 21 November 2010

Science Corner: Your Questions Answered!

As a man who is currently trying to become a Master of Science, I feel I am in a position to answer some of those questions that people often ask themselves without ever bothering to research the answer to, simply because they realise they don’t matter. I have already tackled some fairly hefty philosophical issues on this Blog, and so feel now is the perfect time for me to dig into the world of science. So, without further ado, I present my answers 3 questions I found posted on New Scientist Magazine’s website, by curious young minds looking for answers. I hope you enjoy this article, but more importantly, I hope you learn something. Every last one of you.

“Why does hair turn grey?”
Karen Bagon
Radlett, Hertfordshire, UK

Karen – this is a very interesting question, with a fascinating answer. You see, originally, human hair did not turn grey, but stayed the same colour throughout an individual’s lifetime. This all changed in 1754 in France when it was observed that a visiting Dutch prince by the name of Adelbert Hildebrant was losing some of the colour from his hair. Of course, King Louis XVI’s doctors did all they could to try and maintain the colour of the prince’s luscious auburn hair, but to no avail. The colour faded, and it soon turned grey. King Louis feared for his life, as he was certain that when news of this outrage got back to King Frederick I of Württemberg, it would mean certain war with the Netherlands, so in order to pacify the Dutch, Louis decided to marry one of his daughters off to the prince, because what King would attack his own daughter-in-law’s home country? After the marriage took place, the strangest thing occurred – French women became unbelievably attracted to the prince’s grey hair, as they believed it showed him as distinguished and prestigious. The royal couple had 5 children between them, all of them boys, and owing to the fact that the women of France knew these young men would be carrying the grey-haired gene, each of the princes had numerous partners in the period between their achieving adolescence, and the downfall of the French Monarchy. After the French royals were guillotined in the revolution, the grandchildren of Prince Hildebrant and Princess Marie lived on, born out of wedlock to numerous female members of the proletariat. Once these children reached maturity, and the boys started to develop grey hair, they were again favoured for reproduction, because by that time people saw the days of the monarchy as “the good ol’ days, when France was a decent country to grow up in, without all these Spanish immigrants stealing all our jobs”, and thus grey hair became attractive once again. Since Paris was renowned at the time for setting the fashion trends, visiting British women intentionally had sex with men they knew through reputation would grow up to have grey hair, and birthed them back in England. This generation of Grey haired British men would grow up to become the same soldiers who helped take over Burma in 1824, and India in 1858. Soon after Singapore and the Americas were introduced to the grey haired gene, and the rest, as they say, is history. The reason the gene has never died out is that women, to this day, find it unbelievably attractive. For example, George Clooney (above) has been voted the sexiest man alive by People magazine twice, as has Richard Gere, another grey-haired gent. Carrot-top, meanwhile, has never once been voted Sexiest man of the year, in spite of the fact that he has the better physique.

I guarantee you that if this guy's hair was grey he would get more pussy than Neil Patrick Harris.

I hope this answers the question to your satisfaction, Karen, and if you’re between 16 and 28 and fit, feel free to drop me a private message – My father and both my Grandfathers have grey hair, and I’m certain I’m going to grow up to be the next Hugh Laurie ;)


… that’s fit as in attractive, not physically active, incidentally.

In case you were wondering which category you fit into...

“My girlfriend tells me it is impossible to explain how the bumblebee flies. Apparently it defies the laws of physics. Is this true?”
Torbjørn Solbakken

Unfortunately, Torbjørn, your name is fucking hard to write on a computer. Even less fortunately, you seem to have fallen prey to a common misconception. Much in the same way as many people will tell you that A Clockwork Orange was banned, when in fact Stanley Kubrick merely withdrew it from screening in the UK, or will tell you that you are paranoid schizophrenic who needs help, and not actually an NSA agent sent to infiltrate an anarchic terrorist organization to prevent them blowing up New York city, people will pass on this fact about Bumblebees without bothering to actually look it up. The truth is, science can explain almost everything, and this idea that it cannot explain the movement of the bumblebee is preposterous. This myth originates from the 1920s, when women had only just been given the vote in the UK. In order to prove that they were mature enough to be given the responsibility, and not ‘flappers’, women who wished to vote were required to answer a test question, to see if they truly were intelligent enough for the privilege of enfranchisement. The question which was asked was simple enough; “how do bees fly?”. Of course, the rational, and correct, response was to say “with their wings”. However, a number of women who arrived at the polls early believed this to be a trick question, in order to keep them from voting, and so replied “science cannot say”. As the system in place at the time dictated that such women be told to simply go into a different booth to everyone else, where the ballot papers would be thrown out at the end of the day, in order to avoid causing a scene by telling them in the polling station that they were not eligible to vote, these women left under the impression that they had been allowed the vote, and that this answer was therefore correct. Word of the “correct” answer soon spread amongst the female population of England, and it soon became commonplace for women to believe tat science could not explain how bees can fly. Most men, however, were smarter and knew better, secretly laughing at women behind their backs whilst down the pub, or down the mines. Unfortunately, when World War 2 broke out, most of the healthy young men were called up for service, and many of them killed. During this time, the infant population of England grew up mostly fatherless, and were told this fallacy by their mothers whilst growing up alone with them. By the time the men came back, the answer of “with their wings” did not seem intelligent enough to the youth to override 6 years of being told it could not be explained, and so many of that generation grew up believing this was the truth, and the myth has stuck around to this day. I hope this answers your question, Bjørn, and hopefully next time a woman tells you something, you’ll think about it logically before believing it. You may also want to read my article on “the love drug” – this site really needs more hits.


Here’s a picture of a woman proving they are the inferior sex, just in case some of you are still suspicious:

Anyone up for a photoshop contest?

“Why is it that, whatever they may contain, dustbins always smell the same?”
Rodri Protheroe
Colchester, Essex, UK

Well Rodri, strictly speaking, that’s not entirely true now, is it? Have you ever smelled a dustbin with a 3-day dead hooker in it? I have, and it smells much worse than when you’re first stuffing her in there.



So there you have it, 3 very important scientific questions explained. Stay tuned to Voice From the Pillow for the next installment of: "Science Corner"!


WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS GAY??!?!??!?!!!!!!?!??!?!!!?!?!

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