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Monday, 27 December 2010

Happy Post-Festivus, People! (A Christmassy Message About Being Pathetic)




Hey guys, it’s your friendly neighbourhood Voice from the Pillow, back once more after our brief holiday. Hope everyone had a great Christmas/Hanukkah, and I hope our Ba’hai friends have a great New Years when it does come round. Same goes for my Chinese homies – Mad props, boys. Keep the faith!






I’ve managed to accumulate a couple of presents this year which should hopefully be review worthy, so you can be expecting to see a few more reviews fairly soon (although I do have an essay for my Masters course due in on January 10th, so forgive me if the posting is a little light for the next couple of weeks). My younger brother bought me The Bad Lieutenant, which I’ve been trying to see since about May, so hopefully I’ll get a review of that posted once I’ve watched it; and also got me a copy of the remake of Inglorious Bastards, having bought me the original for Christmas last year, so you may see a review of that soon too. I also got the Frank Miller run on Batman (The Dark Knight Returns) from my older brother, and so I may post a review of that too, given the last comic review I did was on Halloween last year (unless you count that rant about Preacher). So, that’s January’s reviews pretty well laid out for you, but be sure to check in occasionally even if you aren’t interested in reading any of those, because I’ll almost certainly be posting musings, stories and politics articles as well, as I am wont to do, as well as possibly hitting the cinema or catching something on TV, as has happened on occasion with my reviews.



Today, however, I am still recovering from the standard Christmas excitement, so shall not be posting anything as complex as a review, but shall simply stick to a basic sociological/psychological discussion of something that’s been really confusing me.



Recently, I have seen a few posts like this on Facebook:


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… and it makes me fear for the future of the human race. I mean, are people just not fucking any more?


Good Question...


Seriously, what’s the deal with posts like this? I remember once a couple of years ago some girl I had once worked with sent me a text asking what I thought of her, and giving options saying “I like you as a friend”, “I’d date you in a second”, “I’d marry you”, and other similarly ridiculous things, and my response was basically “why are you asking me this shit? If you want to get with me just come out and say it, because I can’t think of any other reason you would send a message like that”, and that’s exactly what I think when I see posts like this. Anyone posting this sort of status isn’t just doing it for the fun of it; I’m a fun loving motherfucker, and you don’t see me posting such questions on my Facebook page – the only reason anyone posts a status like that is because they’re “secretly” hoping that someone they want to get with is going to “like” it.



SINCE WHEN DID WE ALL BECOME THIS FUCKING PATHETIC?

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This is apparently a legitimate fantasy in some people's lives. Some really sad people...


I mean, honestly, if there’s someone you’re into, why not just ask them out? Why not just give them a call, or a private message or something saying “hey, do you want to get together some time?”. How fucking difficult is that? Instead, we’re treated to a world where people are too scared to make a move on prospective mates, and so post statuses such as this, in the hopes that the other person will make the first move after reading it, and this will take the pressure off of them to do so. Only, that doesn’t happen, because what happens is the other person will be thinking “maybe this isn’t just directed at me? I’ll ‘like’ it, but if he wants to get with me, he’ll have to make the first move” (for simplicity’s sake, I’m assuming a man is posting the status, and is into a woman, though as I showed with my example earlier, it is just as likely to be the other way around), and thus leaves the original poster in the same position he was before. “Well, she ‘liked’ the status saying she would kiss me, but maybe that’s just because she wants to be friends and thinks it’s a bit of fun? After all, Gary ‘liked’ it, and I’m fairly sure he isn’t a homosexual. I really don’t want to private message her in case she was just having fun. I guess I’ll have to leave it.” STOP BEING SO FUCKING PATHETIC AND ASK HER OUT RIGHT NOW, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU, READING THIS, PICK UP THAT PHONE RIGHT NOW, AND FUCKING CALL HER UP, AND ASK HER OUT ON A DATE! ENOUGH OF THIS PUSSY-FOOTED FACEBOOK SHIT! MAN THE FUCK UP! Seriously, I don’t want to see any more of these messages on my news feed. Any guy who posts one is officially having their man-card revoked. After all, what’s so scary about asking a girl out? “Oh no, she might say ‘no’!” – What the fuck do you think will happen if you aren’t man enough to even ask her on a date? Do you really think she’ll suddenly decide to ask you out instead, or will she assume you’re not interested and get with the next half-decent guy to ask her on a date instead? I don’t study statistics, but I know which option I’d bet on…


This is possibly the only instance in which I disagree with the infinite knowledge of comedy T-Shirt manufacturers...


Sorry to tell it like it is, guys, but come on – I would love to have a girl in my life I was interested in, and wouldn’t waste the opportunity douching-it-up on Facebook. No offense…



I understand that's like saying "No offense, but you're a cunt", but work with me here, I am genuinely trying to give good advice, just not in a very pleasant manner...




That’s my opinion. Now, for a little extra trivia, if you’re wondering about the girl who sent me the aforementioned text: I ended up going on a date with her after, and kinda hitting it off (she was fairly cute, but not exactly a knockout). I agreed I’d come to her party a couple of weeks later, but then blew her off at the last second to do coursework and hang out with my Chinese buddies up in Pompey, and as revenge for this she got with some other dude at the party. She then decided not to mention this, and tried to hook up with me again, but I saw a message he’d left on her Facebook wall and was like “the fuck, bitch? You can’t make out with another dude and expect me to still be interested. We’ve only had one date.” – strange times.

Still, hopefully the people posting these messages will have more luck in the love department than I do (though I highly doubt it, given if you’re not confident enough to ask someone on a date, you’re gonna struggle even more working up the confidence to actually fuck them…). Though, presumably they’ll be more interested in the individual they’re after than I was in that instance. Girls, you know you’re not important to a guy when he blows off coming to your Birthday party to do coursework, so if that happens, get with some other dude; it’s the only way to ensure he’ll still be talking about you in a year’s time ;)



On second thoughts, he's probably even more likely to still be talking about you in a year's time if you get with another girl instead. Just a suggestion...




And now that I’ve severely depressed some of you, in an effort to prevent another holiday-period suicide, here is U2, with a special message for you, Mr. Suicidal:





Have a great bank-holiday Monday and Tuesday, everyone!




Voice




Sorry to anyone linked to this page by searching for "girls kissing" on Google images. I apologise unreservedly for the inconvenience. Here's a link to some porn: enjoy.






UPDATE (01/01/11):



UPDATE 2 (05/01/11): Guess I'm not the only one...

http://failbook.failblog.org/2011/01/05/funny-facebook-fails-21/#comments

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