We at Voice From the Pillow (so… just me) are determined to bring you all the material you could reasonably desire on such subjects (despite the fact this is meant to be a review site – it’s even called ‘Voice From the Pillow REVIEWS’, but I’ve only posted 1 Review per month for I don’t know how long… eh, fuck it); and so, using my incredible skills of detection, I have managed to unearth a number of responses to readers’ letters that Danny Dyer submitted to the editors of Nuts, which were refused on “moral grounds”. Enjoy!
ASK DANNY DYER
Movie Hardman and Proper Geeza Danny Dyer answers YOUR questions for NUTS Magazine! If you would like your letter featured next week, just email it to Danny10inchcock@nuts-staff.co.uk!
Dear Danny
I am in my 40s, and believe I am having a mid-life crisis. Recently, it finally hit me that death is inevitable, and that, as I have no family, it is likely that I will not be remembered by anyone when I am gone. This terrifies me, because more than anything, I want to be remembered by people – in a hundred years time, I want people to still know my name. How can I realistically achieve this?
Yours sincerely,
Stephen, Yorkshire.
Steve
Getting people to remember you is tough, mate – I recommend becoming a film star like me – you know geezas are still gunna be watching Football Factory down the pub in a thousand years, Bruv. But it’s a proper hard business to get into. I recommend doing extras work to start off with, and work your way up from there. You’ll feel like a mug to start off with, but trust me bruv, it’s well worth it if you make it. But then, for all I know you’re an ugly cunt, and wouldn’t be cast in no movies – in which case your best option is probably to become the next Hitler or something? Or maybe a serial killer? People are still going on about Jack the Ripper hundreds of years later. Just a though, Princess…
Danny.
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Dear Danny
My boss had a go at me at work in front of all my workmates, and really made me feel little. What should I do?
John, Hull
John
If I were you, son, I would want to get revenge on this mug – make HIM feel small. Best way to do that is to bed his wife, and send him the tape after. But if you’re a bit of an ugly cunt, or his wife’s a proper dog and you can’t even do her with a bag on her head, I recommend abducting one of his kids, and sending him a toe every day until he hangs himself. My mate Dave did the same thing, and the guy hung himself in 4 days – then Dave took a picture, cos the geeza pissed himself whilst he was hanging, and he posted it on the intranet – it was a proper laugh, mate! Well, till Dave got 15 to life – but you sound proper smart from how you write, bruv, I reckon you’ll get off Scott free, mate. Dirty Scots – getting away with everything. Fucking mugs…
Danny
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Dear Danny
My boyfriend beat me up yesterday for not making him a sandwich when he was watching football because I had to pick my baby up from my mums, what should I do?
Katie, London
Kate
Try making him a fucking sandwich when he asks! If you were my bird, I’d hit you with a cricket bat next time. You’d better make sure your boyfriend reads this!
Danny.
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Dear Danny
My brother just admitted to me that he is gay. What should I do?
Gavin, Berkshire.
Gav
If I were you I’d crucify him, Bruv. I remember when I went on that show ‘Never Mind the Buzzcocks’, and that cunt Simon Amstell was talking all kinds of shit to me, and when I got home after, my agent told me it’s cos he’s a poofter – if I’d known at the time, I’d have proper lamped him, Bruv – you know fags don’t even like footie? That ain’t right!
Danny.
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Dear Danny
My cousin’s coming to stay with me from South Africa next month after the world cup finishes. Got any ideas for any good practical jokes I can play?
Robbie, Leicester
Rob
I remember one time when my mate Vin got fucking wankered and passed out on my kitchen floor, so we duck-taped him down and took it in turns to piss on his face. He went proper psycho and tried to stand up, so my mate Jon stabbed him – it was a proper laugh, bruv – but I gotta admit, me bum was flappin’ a bit when he got his arm free! If your cousin’s a bird, that’s even better, just wank over her face rather than piss on it!
Cheers, Dan.
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Dear Danny
I had a party Friday night, and my idiot friends egged the INSIDE of my house, and now my landlord’s gonna kick me out. Got any suggestions?
Phil, Nottingham
Phil
You’ve got 2 problems, mate – your landlord, and your so-called “friends”. But don’t worry, I can tell you how to solve each of them. First your landlord – when he comes round to evict you, crack him on the nut with a spanner, and bundle him into your boot. Take your car to the ferryport, and stick it on a ferry to Ireland (best to use a car you’ve nicked if you can) – then wait til the ferry’s left the dock, and call up the Irish customs saying there’s an illegal immigrant hiding in the car. They’ll arrest him, and cos you’ve already nicked his wallet when you knocked him out, he won’t be able to prove who he is. If he’s a black guy or a Paki, he’ll probably get sent home, but even if he’s white, he’ll still be stuck in an Irish prison for a couple of weeks waiting for the British Embassy to send his passport, in which time you can nick all the fixtures and copper wiring from the house and do one. As for your mates – ask them to come out with you on a night out to Birmingham and get them pissed. When they pass out, dress them up as members of the KKK, and set a cross on fire (this might take some forward planning), then leg it to the fucking taxi rank, and get out of there. Should work a treat, bruv!
Danny.
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Dear Danny
M8 IZ A GANG$TA BUT IZ BIN DISSED BY DIS PUNK ON DA INTERNETZ! HE CANT EVEN DO NO ARTICLES WIVOUT MAKIN A REFRENSE TO ME BEIN A SPAZ AN ITZ PROPER GOT ME PISSED OFF BLUD. I MEEN, IZ A NUMBA 1 SELLIN ARTIST – I DID A GIG AT BUTLINZ FOR GODZ $AKE – BUT DIS GUY WONT STOP DISSIN ME, SAYING IZ A SPAZTARD AN TELLIN HIZ REEDER$ I IS RETARTED. CAN U HELP ME, BLUD?
SAFE, YEAHS?
Dappy, London
Dear Dappy
I couldn’t read a word of that, you mug - You thought about having your head checked? Just a thought…
By the way, you ain’t Dappy from N-DUBZ, are you? Cos if you are, your cousin Tulisa still owes me a blowjob for that rock of crack I gave her – and Frazer still has my Leonard Cohen – I mean - 50 Cent Cds…
Love, Danny
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Dear Danny
My ex-wife just told me that she plans to Marry her American boyfriend, and move to California with him, taking my kids with her. What should I do?
Paul, Essex
Paul
That’s a hard lot you’ve got there, bruv. If I were you, I would let them think you’re totally ok with it, and let her go to America with the kids. Then about 2 months later, you pay one of your mates to fly over after them, and pay them a little visit – with a fucking shotgun! With their mother dead, the children will have to be put in your custody, and then you’re free to do whatever you want with them, no questions asked. Or, failing that – you could just lock your kids in the cellar, and tell your wife they died – I gave the same advice to this guy Josef a while back, and he said it worked a treat!
Regards, Danny
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Dear Mr Dyer
I must say, I am shocked and appalled by the blatant sexism and homophobia you include in your column, and must confess my surprise that such a highly regarded publication as “Nuts Magazine” would publish such tripe. What do you have to say for yourself?
Anne, Cambridge.
Anne
Don’t be such a Dyke Cunt.
Danny.
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About the author:
My name’s Danny Dyer – Double D (like your sister). I’m one of the smartest geezas in Britain, and I spend my time playing Footie, making movies, and helping the rest of you out with your problems. I was voted sexiest man in London twice – once by women, once by the poofters – and make over a million quid a year from DVD sales alone. I also did the voice of Kent Paul in the GTA games – THAT’S HOW FUCKING COOL I AM!
Don't forget to watch my new show:
- Danny ;)
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