Search This Blog

Saturday, 5 June 2010

The Global Political Scandals that Shaped the 20th and 21st Centuries (Text)

This week, Obama has been ranting on about how disgusting the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico is, and how despicable it is that BP allowed this to happen. He’s even gone so far as to say that no foreign nations will be allowed to own rigs off the coast of the United States in future, and has just generally called the British dicks. Now, I’m all for insulting big business, and trying to spark a revolution against the corporations – but he’s the fucking president of America! He clearly has ulterior motives!

Let’s just think about this scenario for a moment, shall we? A British owned company owns a rig off the coast of America, and that rig springs a leak, which causes an environmental catastrophe. The British company must therefore be at fault, right?

What’s that? BP installed a fail-safe device to prevent this exact thing from happening? Well, that can’t have been up to scratch, then – otherwise this wouldn’t have happened.

What’s that you say? The fail-safe was manufactured and installed by an American company? Ah, well that’s clearly not the fault, then! The crew must have been negligent in allowing the leak to happen.

The Crew was American as well, you say? Huh. So really the only thing that distinguishes this as a British rig is the fact that it is Ultimately owned by a company which started out in Britain, but due to the expanding Global Market, and the international stock exchange, is now no more British than any other company in the world? Well, I still think we should ban the British from putting rigs in our oceans! I mean, we don’t go around installing rigs off other countries’ coastlines, do we?

Oh, we do? Fuck.

This is literally how the conversation would go if Obama’s advisors had a single brain cell between them. Except words like “of” would be excluded, because for some unexplained reason, Americans have determined them to be obsolete. A couple bucks? Don’t you mean a couple OF bucks you fucking Chazzer?! But, I digress…

But seriously, America are such fucking Hypocrites. I mean – what would they do if every other country in the world told them to take their oil rigs and fuck off? They’d invade them for the fucking oil, is what! THEY’VE DONE IT BEFORE!

Fact: 9 out of 10 Americans couldn't even tell you what country this is. 5 of those 9 would say "Baghdad", and the other 4 would say random place names such as "North Korea" or "New Zealand".

And Obama just seems to have a hard-on (as the Americans say) for fucking over the British. Take his comments on the Falklands, for example; Obama said that he will not support the British if the Falklands are invaded, despite the fact we’ve fought 2 fucking wars the Americans started for no fucking reason other than just because they could! I vote we pull out of Afghanistan, and redeploy all those soldiers to the Falklands, just because if they aren’t gonna help us, fuck ‘em. But then, I am slightly unbalanced…

Damn Paparazzi - what were they doing in my Garden anyway?

But back to BP. Whatever way you look at this situation, it’s an American problem. American manufacturing led to the fault which caused the leak, American workers were unable to correct the problem, and consequently the American coast has been flooded with oil. But let’s blame the fucking British like we always do, being the Boston Tea Party Cunts we are!

I hear Lemon Tea's popular in Boston...

But before I get too carried away insulting the Americans, let’s look at this incident in context, shall we?

A while back, the American food company Kraft, or as we Bi-lingual German-English translators* know it, “Strength”, took over Great British company Cadbury’s, and proceeded to fuck our shit up. The British media was outraged when Kraft closed one of the Cadbury factories in the UK, and moved it into Eastern Europe, and we swore we would never allow the Americans to take over one of our sacred companies in the same way again. But you know what? Cadbury’s had already announced their intent to close that plant a full 2 years before Kraft took over!

* Would this be the same Bi-lingual German-English translator who thought that in 'Waidmann's Heil' when Till says "The Creature Must Die" he was saying "The Creator must Die"? Fotze.

I therefore believe this whole BP oil incident to be nothing more than revenge for our unfair attacks on Kraft. In fact – Obama probably unscrewed the cap on the drill himself, the bastard!

Unbelievably, 'Evil Obama' gets more hits on Google images than 'Blonde Lesbians Kissing'. No, seriously, check it out!

Now, whilst both of these incidents have been international disasters, some good has come from both: Kraft’s takeover of Cadbury now means that when I want chocolate, it gives me a perfect excuse to play “Mutter” by Rammstein, owing to the fact the line “Gib mir Kraft”, which previously only meant “Give me strength”, can now be taken to mean “Give me Cadbury’s” – which is exactly what I would be saying if I had just poisoned my mother and thrown her in a river. And as for the oil spill – Pensacola, Florida has been in the news again thanks to Erin Brockervich visiting to whine about all the oil, which has no doubt brought a smile to the face of everyone who knows who this guy is:

And the answer is not "A young Robert DeNiro".

Man, that town sucks – all it’s famous for is oil spills and sex murderers! And possibly some drug trafficking when Miami got too hot...


But back to the topic at hand. It is now evident that the oil spill situation is nothing more than petty revenge for the whole Kraft incident, and Obama just needs to chill the fuck out. But this isn’t the first time major international incidents have occurred due to petty disputes. Sure, you all know about how the First World War only occurred because a couple of cousins had a disagreement, and weren’t man enough to sort it out amongst themselves, but it doesn't stop there - this sort of thing has motivated some of the biggest news events of the 20th and 21st centuries! For example:

Incident: The Cuban Missile Crisis.

You all remember the Cuban Missile Crisis, right? That movie with Kevin Costner in? Well that actually happened. Fidel Castro started a revolution in Cuba, and overthrew the Government. The Russians were so pleased with this that they stationed nuclear weapons on the island, which they pointed at Florida, just in case that fucker Tony Montana decided to try and come back

(Editor’s Note: Scarface takes place after the Cuban missile crisis, dumbass!
Writer’s Note: Wait, I thought I was the editor on here? Fucking Schizophrenia!
Editor’s Note: Actually, Schizophrenia doesn’t cause 2 distinct personalities to emerge as often depicted in films, that’s just a common misconception.
Writer’s Note: Yes, that’s true. However, as I’m just typing what I’m thinking, despite the fact it appears I am writing from the perspective of 2 different personalities, I am, in fact, only writing down what I actually think, and what the voice in the back of my head thinks.
Editor’s Note: The voice in the back of your head thinks you’re a faggot.
Writer’s Note: That means you’re a faggot, and I have repressed homosexual desires.
Editor’s Note: Let’s stop this now before we confess too much to the internet, shall we? You were talking about Cuba?).

But what you didn’t know is this: just before the Cuban missile crisis, President John F. Kennedy of the United States of America went to Cuba to greet their new leader, and just before he met Castro for the first time, farted on his hand so that when they shook hands, Castro would get fart smell on his hand. Castro realised what must have happened after about an hour of smelling his hand, wondering what was up with that smell, and consequently asked the Russians to bring the missiles over as revenge. This entire scenario was witnessed by a young CIA agent code-named John Smith, who went home after the crisis was averted and had a son named Kevin. This son went on to popularize “Stink Palming” in his movie, Mallrats. And by popularize, I mean get the odd nerd to do it, and then complain for hours after about how “Clerks was better”.

Blame this guy... Also, Bible.

Incident: The Attack on Pearl Harbour.

What do you mean, "Gayer than Top Gun"?

You all remember this one: Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett are pilots, and something happens and the Japanese blow up Pearl Harbour, and Ben Affleck gets the girl in the end. Interestingly, the one ship in the harbor not damaged was later renamed the “Belgrano” and subsequently sunk by the British, because why the fuck not? The attack on Pearl Harbour sparked America’s involvement in the second world war, and also gave Cuba Goodring, jr. a chance to use a massive machinegun for the first time since Jerry Maguire (it’s one of the deleted scenes – Jerry refuses to show him the money, and he goes Scarface on the poor guy) .

You may have noticed there is no PayPal "Donate" function on my Blog - However, I do accept Scarface posters, outfits and weaponary if you do wish to make a Donation.

But what you didn’t know is this: Whilst debating which side to join in the war, the Japanese Emperor decided to travel around the world, and meet the leaders of the other countries. He got on fine in Russia, Germany, Italy and England, but when he got to America, he was greeted by Harry Truman instead of Dwight Eisenhower – an obvious outrage! But what really sparked the attack wasn’t this mix-up; No. What sparked the attack was the fact that, whilst visiting a Japanese restaurant in San Fransisco, he was told he couldn’t have “hot Saki”, because Saki is a rice WINE, and thus is served cold. Oh no they di’n’t!

Incident: The Israel-Palestine conflict.

This one doesn’t have a Ben Affleck movie based on it. Unless you count “The Sum of All Fears”, which you shouldn’t. Basically, Jews and Arabs hate each other.

Is this guy being Ironic? No, seriously - I forgot what Irony is. It's like the opposite of a coincidence, or something, right?

But what you didn’t know is this: It all started because a Lebanese man made a snarky comment about J-Date, and if there are 2 things Jews pride themselves on, it’s their snarky humour and J-Date. Originally, they did intend to set Jerry Seinfeld loose on the guy, but then realised he hadn’t been born yet, so instead rained missiles down on Palestine, on the assumption that all Arabs are the same – and Lebanese people don’t like seeing other Arabs getting bombed. It is said the conflict will only end when the Prophet Mohammad is depicted wearing a bear costume on uncensored TV – but unfortunately, that doesn’t seem likely to happen any time soon…

This image has been censored - administrative team.

And whilst we’re on Mohammad:

Incident: The September 11th Attacks.

There are all kinds of crazy conspiracies surrounding this one. Some people say the US Government deliberately blew up the towers themselves, others say the jews did it. Popular opinion suggests it was Osama Bin Laden, although it has been pointed out that if that were the case, Delta Force would have killed him the week after when they had the perfect opportunity to do so, but APPARENTLY messed it up (Hint: Delta force NEVER actually mess up. It’s like those stupid CIA plots you hear about and think “That never would have worked!” – that’s the point! Who do you think released that information? The CIA, of course! If they portray themselves as bungling and useless, people will start to believe it, and will be lured into a false sense of security. The CIA failed to kill Castro in a plot when they put a bomb in his cigar? Bullshit! The CIA put fucking Castro in charge in the first place to lure the Russians into a false sense of security, and if Jack Kennedy hadn’t done a fucking stink palm, the cold war would have ended in 1963!). People suggest Bin Laden may have carried out the attacks to create a worldwide religious war, in order to bring about the domination of the world by Islam

But what you didn’t know is this: Eminem once claimed that the actual target of these attacks was not the World Trade Centre, but was, in fact, Shady Records Inc.

He wasn’t lying.

Apparently, Osama Bin Laden wanted to be a gangsta rapper ever since listening to Straight Outta Compton back in ’88. He released his debut album, “Straight Outta Saudi” a year later, and many speculate that the Russians withdrew from Afghanistan because of this. Some people also speculate that I’m not very good at Cold War History, or timelines, but fuck those guys… 2 years later, Bin Laden’s second album, titled “Bizzy Duz It” was released to critical acclaim, and despite the fact that Bin Laden started beefing with previous “muslims with Aptitude” group member Mohammad Al Fayad at this time over his forming a separate rap group called “Da Allah Mobb”, he did extremely well for himself, becoming the second best selling Middle Eastern Artist of that year.

So much talent... such a waste!

Unfortunately, in 1997, Marshall Mathers a.k.a Eminem a.k.a Slim Shady won the Rap Olympics, beating Bin Laden with a vicious diss about how outdated the turban and beard look is. Bin Laden released several underground Eminem diss tracks, but stopped soon after when Proof from D12 pulled a gun on him in a club. The violence escalated, and in the year 2000, Bin Laden shot up-and-coming rap star 50 Cent 9 times after the artist released a Diss tape entitled “I’ll wrap yo head, boy”, about the intricacies of setting Turbans on fire, with explicit references to Bin Laden and the Taliban.

Dr Dre ordered a sit down with Bin Laden, but Eminem stormed out when Bin Laden refused to stop boasting about how much taller than Eminem he was in person. Eminem released 2 more Diss tracks that year, and Osama threatened violence if Eminem did not stop. In 2001, the whole of D12 was involved in a Bin Laden diss, called “Hit a Muller Up”, which ridiculed Bin Laden for his inability to kill 50 Cent, and for his ties to The Insane Clown Posse.

It is believed that the release of this track eventually culminated in the attempted attacks on September 11th, 2001. Eminem released the track “Like Toy Soldiers” in 2004, as a call to end the beef. However, in the meantime, Bizarre from D12 had been sent into Pakistan with a US Rangers unit, and had assassinated Bin Laden. It is not known whether or not Eminem was aware of this at the time of recording “Like Toy Soldiers”. A movie will be made of this event… If I can get funding and permission from those involved.

Hmmm… Anyone up for doing a little editing on Wikipedia tonight?


Whilst we're on it, actually - why is it that Americans have this whole thing about denying people ever jumped from the towers, and saying they were "Blown Out" or they "fell"? Why is suicide seen as such a bad thing in America? I think it's disrespectful to the memory of those who jumped to act like they didn't, as though jumping was a bad thing - because that's basically saying their last ever act on this Earth was wrong, and they shouldn't have done it. It takes courage, I think, to be able to realise you have no hope of survival, and make a rational choice about how you wish to die, and I think the people who did jump deserve better than to be remembered as having never committed the act, because Americans find it abhorrent. And this is coming from a guy who just wrote a comedy article about how the 9/11 attacks were due to a rap feud - so if I'm saying your view is disrespectful, you know you've got problems!

1 comment:

  1. 'We as americans' by Eminem, clearly says binladen is 'on his ass'. so either you are correct and the twin towers was actually against shady records or if you interpret it more literally, osama and em may be in some type of relationship.