So, I wrote an article about hating pathetic Facebook memes, and now I'm copying one? Hypocrite!

I’ve had a couple of requests from people to post my responses to ‘the 30 day song challenge’. As I’m not the kind of guy to dedicate an entire month of my life to anything whatsoever, I decided to change this to ‘the 30 songs challenge’. Same rules, shorter time period. As I’m sure you all remember, this Blog was originally set up as a Music-reviewing Blog, until I suddenly realized “Holy Shit, I know fuck all about music” and switched to reviewing movies and writing insane ramblings on a variety of subjects no-one cares about instead. So here’s me coming back to form, in a sense, giving you my responses to ‘The 30 Songs Challenge’. You may like what you see; you may lose all respect for me. But either way, at least I’m not posting some of the more pathetic Facebook crazes on here seriously. Like, oh, I don’t know...







SONG ONE – YOUR FAVOURITE SONG


This is a tough one, because my favourite song changes pretty well on a daily basis. For a while last week, it was the song “Now You’re a Man” by Trey Parker, taken from the movie “Orgasmo”. That is, until I was linked to the site ‘thewillpower.org’...

Some people will just say, ‘just think of your favourite song by your favourite band’, on the assumption that if they’re your favourite band, their best song should also be your favourite song. However, this is somewhat akin to saying “Your favourite actor is Christian Bale, and his best film was ‘American Psycho’, so therefore American Psycho must be your favourite film” – it just doesn’t work like that. And what about hits by bands who have done fuck all great songs, but had that one hit wonder that you absolutely fucking love? So in all, this is one hell of a difficult question to answer.

I guess, in the end, I just have to go with ‘which song have I really been enjoying more than any other lately?’ – and in response to this, I guess I would have to go for the one I spontaneously started singing last night, and got a group of people to join in with, and start air-banding the whole thing. And that song is: ‘I Need to Know’ by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.







SONG TWO – YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE SONG


Did you know Microsoft Word is trying to correct that to “You’re Least Favourite Song”? No wonder so many people on the internet have a fucking atrocious grasp of when to use “Your” or “You’re”, or “There”, “their” and “they’re” – their fucking computers tell them they’re wrong when they get it right!

But back to the task at hand – I’m certain I’ll be the only person on Earth not typing “Friday by Rebecca Black” right here, but the fact is, this kind of internet hate comes and goes. Hatred of mainstream media, however, is forever. Now, whilst I’m sure they were offering good odds on my saying “Number 1” by Tinchy Strider and N-DUBZ, I’m not going to because even though the artists are cunts, and the video is terrible, the song is far from the worst I have ever heard. Also, there are all manner of worthless jingles in my memory, but can they all be counted as “songs”? The Crazy Frog was massively popular amongst retards and cunts when I was about 11 or 12 (ish?), but no matter how much I despise that, I wouldn’t even give it the priviledge of honouring it with the title “a song”. So I guess that restricts things further...
I suppose I would have to go with “That Fast Food Song”, because basically it’s an advert for the Capitalist system, and is also as annoying as 10 Justin Biebers (or 8 Rebecca Blacks, or 5 Goatses, or 2 Nick Cleggs).








SONG THREE – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY


This one’s a little easier, because it’s any song that makes you happy, not the song that makes you happiest, so I can pick absolutely any song. So I suppose I’ll pick the song that had me shouting “FUCK YEAH!!!!” when it started playing on Radio 2 the other night – Thin Lizzy with “Dancing in the Moonlight”.







SONG FOUR – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU SAD


This exact question ruined my day when MSN asked it 3 years ago, because one of the published answers was “Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, because it’s the song playing just before Chris Moltisanti dies in The Sopranos”. I’m fine with publishing that now, because to be honest, if you haven’t watched The Sopranos yet, you’ve probably heard far worse spoilers than that already. But to publish that before the final 9 Episodes were even released on DVD (I bought the set the day it came out, so I’m certain of this) is a bit fucking much.

So, what song should I pick? There are loads of Depressing-sounding songs, to choose from, even if, like me, you really aren’t a big fan of the whole whiney-emo scene. I’ll admit, there are some very good, depressing songs told from a first person perspective; “Waiting for the Miracle” by Leonard Cohen, Half of Nirvana’s Discography, and both “Hurt” and “Give My Love to Rose” by Johnny Cash (I’m well aware “Hurt” was a cover, yes...). All amazing songs. But I think in the end, I have to give it to Rammstein’s ‘Ohne Dich’.




Is the song really about a Heroin addict? It makes sense, given the line “Mit dir bin ich auch Aleine”. But the rest of the song sounds so much like it’s about a lost love that it’s hard to believe it’s not about a girl. And that’s what makes this song amazing – it could be a fantastic song about someone who has lost the love of their life, but when you consider that love may be heroin (makes sense when you consider they already wrote a song about a heroin addict dying all alone with “Adios”), it just gives it an even deeper meaning – the song could go both ways. Much like Till in “Zwitter”. WHOOOOAAA!!!!!




SONG FIVE – A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEONE


When I was 18, I started seeing one of my mate’s girlfriend’s friends, and we all hung out one night. At about midnight, we decided to sneak into the place where this girl worked, basically just to raid the freezer. She was a waitress in a farm restaurant way out in the countryside, with no buildings or towns for miles around. Whilst the girls were grabbing Ice Cream, my friend and I came up with the ingenious plan of scaring the shit out of them, knowing full well that it is a proven scientific fact that girls are more likely to sleep with you if you terrify them first (I am not making this up). So, when we left the building, we both acted like we were hearing noises in the fields nearby (it was a farm, after all), and started to act really freaked out ourselves. This succeeded in freaking the girls out, who just wanted to get back to the car. As luck would have it, there were a number of scarecrows on the way to the car park, as we had to take a narrow path across a field, and we were saying things like “I’m sure that scarecrow wasn’t there before” or “just imagine, if you wanted to murder someone here, you could easily just stand by the path in ragged clothes, and they would walk right up to you thinking you were a scarecrow”. A couple of stones thrown out into the field to make noise later, and the girls were sufficiently freaked. We raced back into the car, and I turned on the ignition, at which point the song “Psycho Killer” by the Talking Heads started blaring through the radio, as if it knew just what to play in that instance. So, I’ll have to dedicate this entry to the girl I successfully freaked out in those fields all those years ago, and name the song “Psycho Killer”.








DAY SIX – A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF SOMEWHERE


Driving through the French Alps between Tignes and Val d’Isere a couple of years ago, I was chilling and listening to music, looking out over the fantastic landscape, lit by the brightest sunshine I think I have ever seen. The “Deal With It” Picture of me in a Hawaiian Shirt up in the mountains was taken there, and it has to be one of the most beautiful landscapes I have ever witnessed. The song I was listening to whilst driving? Only the song “Strutter” by Kiss, a song I had previously only associated with driving across the deserts of San Andreas, but will now forever be in my head as the song that I had on in the French Alps. Love it.








SONG SEVEN – A SONG THAT REMINDS YOU OF A CERTAIN EVENT


Walking along the streets of Portsmouth at 5 in the morning in winter is depressing as fuck. Especially in fog. Everything is grey and horrible, and you wonder why you even bother. So when “It’s the End of the World as we Know it” by R.E.M started to play on my MP3 player, it had the bizarre effect of actually making me enjoy my surroundings, whilst contemplating what the end of the world really would look like for me from here. So, the song that reminds me of walking through a run-down city in the early hours of the morning when nobody else was around?








SONG EIGHT – A SONG THAT YOU KNOW ALL THE WORDS TO


This could, of course, cover hundreds of different songs. I’ve never been too good at remembering people, or places, but numbers and lyrics I find easy as fuck. So I guess, given I have literally hundreds of songs to choose from, I should pick the one I personally feel is the most impressive, and given its 11 minute run-time, I guess there are few songs more impressive to know all the words to than Bob Dylan’s “Desolation Row”.



Buuuut... YouTube doesn't seem to have the song. Though, to be honest, if you don't own either Highway 61 Revisited or Bob Dylan's 3 Disc Music Collection, you need to go and die in a hole right now.

Anyway, here's some random guy doing a cover:






SONG NINE – A SONG THAT YOU CAN DANCE TO


Again, you can pretty well dance to absolutely any song out there, so this seems like a bit of an odd question. So, I suppose it’s going to have to be Pharaoh Monch’s “Simon Says”; the rhymes are whack, but the beat is Gang$ta (to paraphrase a number of individuals from YouTube). Plus, Sam Rockwell looked like a Boss dancing to it.








SONG TEN – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FALL ASLEEP


I am not like so many of my generation, spending literally their entire waking lives with an earphone shoved in one ear, listening to music constantly. Not only this, but I never put music on when I go to sleep – I have music on to enjoy it, not because it’s just something that should be on in the background. Not only this, but I don’t find music makes me sleepy, so this question is pretty difficult for me to answer. However, if I want a cool, relaxing song that I can just chill out to, and that I might have on before I went to bed, then I suppose you could do a lot worse than Leonard Cohen’s “Anthem”.








SONG ELEVEN – A SONG FROM YOUR FAVOURITE BAND


Really? Oops, I’ve already done one of these. Still, the rules don’t say anything about using multiple songs from the same band, so why worry?

There are loads of great Rammstein songs out there, and it’s so hard to choose one for this entry. Where do you even start? So, I guess I’ll have to start at the logical place; the beginning. No, not “Wollt Ihr Das Bett in Flammen Sehen”, although that would make sense also; but with the first Rammstein song I ever heard, way back in 2001: Sonne.






SONG TWELVE – A SONG FROM A BAND YOU HATE

The Gallagher Brothers are cunts. No discussion. I hate everything from their smug faces down to their shitty retro trainers, and would like nothing better than to smash their fucking Hipster glasses into their ridiculously over-inflated heads. That said, Oasis have made some pretty decent songs. The best probably being “Don’t Look Back in Anger”. So well played, you cunts, you made my list. Enjoy.






SONG THIRTEEN – A SONG THAT IS A GUILTY PLEASURE


Oh God, I hardly dare admit this for fear of what it will do to my reputation. But I fucking love “The Flood” by Take That.





You’re probably expecting me to post “Ha, April Fool!” right about now, but no – I’m being completely and utterly serious here. I think it is an amazing song.




SONG FOURTEEN – A SONG THAT NO-ONE WOULD EXPECT YOU TO LOVE

Given the amount of hate I throw at N-DUBZ, it’s obvious that I don’t love their songs, and no-one expects me to. Oh wait, sorry, you mean a song that no-one expects me to love but that I DO love? Well, that’s a bit more awkward now, isn’t it? The problem is, most of the stuff I love that is utter shit people expect me to love anyway. People expect me to love “Don’t you want me Baby” because it’s 80s cheese, just like people know I love films like “Triple X” and “Exit Wounds”, because I enjoy utter shit. Even things like “Be my Baby” by the Ronettes, people expect me to like, because obviously I’ve seen Mean Streets. Hell, after my “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” review, people won’t even be surprised to learn I like a couple of 50 Cent songs. So what do I love, that no-one would expect me to? I guess my answer to this will have to be Green Day, because even I’m surprised that I would like Green Day. And whilst people might explain away my love of “American Idiot” as being a form of punk-nostalgia, that still doesn’t explain why the fuck I love “Boulevard of Broken Dreams”. So, a song that no-one would expect me to love? I guess a song that even I’m surprised I love should do the trick.







SONG FIFTEEN – A SONG THAT DESCRIBES YOU

As much as I want to put “I’m too Sexy” by Right Said Fred here, I shall refrain. Though, to be honest, it’s hard to think of a song that describes me better. I suppose it’s got to be U2’s “Stuck in a Moment”, for those occasions where I really do lose it and get fixated on things that don’t really matter...







SONG SIXTEEN – A SONG THAT YOU USED TO LOVE BUT NOW HATE

I don’t think there are any songs that I used to love, but now hate. I may dislike some songs I used to enjoy, simply because I’ve heard them too much; but to actively go from love to hate? I don’t see that happening. Shit, I would probably still crack a smile if you put on the old “Mr Blobby” single I used to have on tape when I was a kid – I literally cannot think of a single song I once loved, then grew to hate. There are a few, such as “Tribute” and “Business Time”, which I enjoyed when I first heard them, but then became really mainstream (I’m a closet Hipster) and quoted by absolutely fucking everyone soon after, meaning they lost their appeal. But still, I don’t actively hate those songs. In the end, I guess, I’ll have to choose one like this, which I enjoyed upon first hearing it, but now get annoyed by because morons continue to spam it everywhere. So, congratulations, for the second time in the past week or so, I’m posting “Surfin’ Bird” on this Blog. Fuck you, Family Guy fans, you ruined this song, and by extension “Full Metal Jacket”, even worse than watching John C. McGinley in Scrubs ruined my view of “Platoon”. This one’s for you:






SONG SEVENTEEN – A SONG YOU HEAR OFTEN ON THE RADIO

I wouldn’t know about “often”, because I don’t listen to the radio all that much. I also don’t want to post some shit here, which is what I tend to hear on the radio if I’m in the gym or somewhere. So, what gets played often on the radio when I’m listening? Well, they play “Take That” a fair amount, which I’ve already posted, and Lady Gaga’s quite popular. But I’m going to choose a song I haven’t heard on the radio “often”, but which I did hear twice in 2 days; it’s “Across 110th Street” by Bobby Womack.








SONG EIGHTEEN – A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU HEARD ON THE RADIO

Simply for the lulz value, it’s got to be “Shut Your Fucking Face Uncle Fucker” by Trey Parker and Co. I can imagine the shit storm that would create if played uncensored on national radio – AAAWWWW YEEEAAAH!!!!!







DAY NINETEEN – A SONG FROM YOUR FAVOURITE ALBUM

Naturally, we’re not counting hits albums here, which is a bit of a shame, otherwise I’d post “Emerald” by Thin Lizzy, who have the greatest “Greatest Hits” album ever (closely followed by David Bowie). And, of course, we won’t be able to include soundtracks, either – otherwise the Pulp Fiction soundtrack would probably take the top spot. So, it comes down to actual studio albums released by bands, which may be tricky...

The problem with this question is that it falls prey to the same difficulties we had with the “Favourite song” question – it really depends on mood. A number of Bob Dylan’s albums are fantastic – especially “Blood on the Tracks”, “Highway 61 Revisited” and “Bringing it all back Home”. But would I call them my favourite albums? Likewise, Rammstein have had 4 absolutely incredible albums in “Herzeleid”, “Sehnsucht”, “Mutter” and “Reise, Reise”, and there are plenty of other bands I can think of who have released a tremendous album at some point. I suppose in the end, though, it really makes sense to go with one of the two albums featured on the tape that never left the cassette player in my car for a full year when I was 17/18. And although both albums are incredible, I’m going to pick the one I always used to prefer back when I was a long haired 18 year old kid who loved nothing more than driving in the sunshine and quoting The Big Lebowski. So, for the second time in this Blog post, I give you a song from Bob Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited. This time, I’m going to go not for my favourite song on the album, but the most famous, and most significant. I give you: “Like a Rolling Stone”.







SONG TWENTY – A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU’RE ANGRY

Back in the day when I was your typically angry teenager (long before I discovered Bob Dylan and just plain Chilling the fuck out), my favourite song to listen to when angry was “Just Don’t Give a Fuck” by Eminem. And while my music tastes may have changed a bit since then, I no longer have the need to calm myself with blaring music when I’m angry (I just let it burn out / smash the shit out of everything and everything in sight these days. A much more mature way of dealing with things...), so I suppose it’s only appropriate to post the song I used to calm myself down to back in the day, even though I haven’t listened to it in God knows how long, simply as a tribute to those days when it did help me out of some pretty dark places.








SONG TWENTY ONE – A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU’RE HAPPY

Not a song that makes you happy (we already had that), but a song you listen to whilst happy? Hmmm... this could be just about any song, to be honest. I doubt there’s anyone on the planet who says “Ooh, I’m happy! I’ll listen to my happy song!” – that’s just plain weird. But, I suppose I have to pick one, so I’ll go for a song that deserves to be mentioned somewhere on this list, but probably wouldn’t get a look in if I didn’t post it here: It’s the full-length version of David Bowie’s “Heroes”.






SONG TWENTY TWO – A SONG THAT YOU LISTEN TO WHEN YOU’RE SAD

Well, this is a tough one. I’d like to put either “I’m Going to Cut Myself (I Mean it this Time)” by Death Car for Jimmy, or “I’ve Got Hurt Feelings” by Flight of the Conchords. However, this seems like a little bit of a cop-out, so I guess I’ll have to think seriously about songs I listen to when I’m sad. I can’t really put “Ohne Dich” again, so I guess I’ll just have to choose another. Still, no-one says a song you listen to whilst sad has to be a sad song, and whilst I would put “More than a Feeling” by Boston here, I got so pissed off by its constant over-use in adverts that I’m no longer quite the diehard fan of it I once was. However, that doesn’t stop me from picking another song I already used on my “10 Best Wake-up Songs” list, so rather than #1, I’m gonna pick the song I nominated as the 2nd best wake-up song to be the song to listen to when sad; it’s Tom Petty (for the second time) with “Free Falling”.






SONG TWENTY THREE – A SONG YOU WANT TO PLAY AT YOUR WEDDING

That I want to play myself, or that I want to be played? It doesn’t matter; it’s the same fucking answer either way: DU HAST by Rammstein. Unsure of why I picked it? Here’s the English version, just so you get an idea of what the lyrics are about:







SONG TWENTY FOUR – A SONG THAT YOU WANT TO PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL

Well, I highly doubt I’ll be in any position to play a song at my own funeral, but I digress. I suspect “Another one bites the dust” is quite a popular choice, simply because it’s “Ironic”, same with “Highway to Hell”. But it’s not for me. “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley is also presumably quite popular, because the idea of Rick Rolling a funeral is really one of the founding principles of the internet. But again, that’s not really my scene. I might also be appropriate, I suppose, for them to play “My Way” by Sid Vicious at my funeral – because what better way to be remembered than by the words of a man completely different to yourself in every way, save the fact that you can both play the bass poorly, and were both played by Gary Oldman in the movie adaptations of your life? But, in the end, I suppose I should choose something at least vaguely sensible, so I’m going for “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees. Kidding. No, I’m actually going to pick “Free Bird” by Lynard Skynard, because “Swamp Music” would have been totally inappropriate...







SONG TWENTY FIVE – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU LAUGH

Chacarron by El Mudo – I literally laughed for about 10 minutes the first time I watched “Batman on Drugs”. So now you know how poor my sense of humour is, feel free to never come on this Blog again...







SONG TWENTY SIX – A SONG THAT YOU CAN PLAY ON AN INSTRUMENT

I can play a hell of a lot of songs on Keyboard, and can play the Cowbell Solo in Blue Oyster Cult’s “Don’t Fear the Reaper” flawlessly. But really, I’m going to have to pick the first song I learnt to play on Bass Guitar, mainly because it gives me an excuse to post a badass montage video. It’s Robert Tepper’s “There’s No Easy Way Out”.







SONG TWENTY SEVEN – A SONG THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD PLAY


Portrait of Tracy by Jaco Pastorius, definitely.









SONG TWENTY EIGHT – A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL GUILTY

I honestly can’t think of why anyone would feel guilty whilst listening to a song; unless you stole the record from somebody, perhaps? So fuck it, here’s some Pink Floyd:







SONG TWENTY NINE – A SONG FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD

It had to be:








SONG THIRTY – YOUR FAVOURITE SONG THIS TIME LAST YEAR

My favourite song this time last year? Fucked if I know. I don’t even remember my favourite song last month. The fact that the only music posts I put up in April last year were on N-DUBZ and the Insane Clown Posse doesn’t really help, either. I guess I’m going to have to go with Jefferson Airplane’s “Somebody to Love”, simply because I remember listening to that on my way to Cambridge at Easter last year – but to be honest, it could have been just about anything...






You know, other than The Insane Clown Posse or N-DUBZ.






VOICE

The 8 Best Internet Comedy Songs (that I've found so far) - (Text... but with videos)

Continuing the theme of lists discussing music...

Ah, the internet – some argue that it only exists for porn, others just use it for Warcraft. But some of us use it as a means of getting our hilarious videos to the masses, through sites such as YouTube, Google, or Digg. There are a lot of videos out there, pertaining to various subjects – copyright infringement, racism, and having an incredibly annoying voice – but the one I’m going to pick up on today is Internet Comedy Music Videos & Songs. Before anyone screams about the fact that “The lonely Island” or “Chocolate Rain” or “Ken Kaniff” aren’t on here – allow me to just explain my ground rules in choosing this list: They must all be amateur videos, no professional studio work. They must also have been intended as comedic songs, and not just songs that were meant to be serious but turned out funny (looking at you, Chocolate Rain! (you too, El Mundo!)). They cannot have been written with the intent of being included on an actual album, either – So Aristotle is out, as are Remy’s later songs (though you will notice I included one of his earlier songs in the list). With these restrictions in mind, I give you my list of the 8 Best Internet Comedy Songs that I’ve Found So Far:


so, getting the most immature (yet brilliant) stuff out the way first...

#8. Look into my Eyes while I Masturbate – Bart Baker

The Lonely Island get a lot of credit for their song “Jizz in my Pants” – but that was a professionally produced, well-financed video which starred Justin Timberlake and Meadow Soprano! As far as I’m concerned, no studio video can ever be classed as being a true “internet video”, and therefore it didn’t make the list. In its place, however, is a song on a vaguely similar theme – Bart Baker’s “Look into my Eyes while I Masturbate”



The song is set in the distant future year “2010” - bear in mind it was made in January 2009 – in which “Robots have taken over the world, and unfortunately: destroyed all the girls?”. It is the simple tale of two best friends living in cyber-space, unaware of the horrors the robots are performing, harvesting humans in a manner similar to that depicted in “The Matrix”, because the male humans are all too busy watching the reams and reams of internet porn their consciousness still has access to.

It’s an amusing concept, and given the obviously low budget (judging from the inflatable Bobba Fett Jetpack) is executed incredibly well. My green-screening never looks anywhere near that impressive, and I don’t even own a Guit-Board, so that alone earns these guys my undying respect. Plus the ending’s hilarious.


#7. Blame Halo 3 – James at War



Spoofs are always fun – Weird Al’s usually good for a laugh – but often YouTube loses sight of what’s really important when making a parody, and we wind up with a hundred awful parodies of “On a Boat” – A parody itself (See Michael Swaim’s work for Cracked TV on this – just so I don’t get accused of plagiarism!) How nice, therefore, to have a genuinely good home-made parody of a song that was popular when this video was made. James at War hilariously changes the lyrics of Akon’s “Blame it on Me” to tell the story of a relationship left in ruins all because of Halo 3. Not owning an Xbox myself, I have not fully experienced the alleged addictiveness of this game. However, I have inferred from the comments left on the video’s YouTube page that Halo addiction is very serious, and that this song is a very true-to-life representation of the dangers of Halo 3.


#6. All My Shootings Be Drive-Bys – MC Hawking



Perhaps an unconventional choice, Given I’m listing an MC Hawking song, but this one is definitely good for a laugh. Whilst other MC Hawking songs such as “What we need more of is science” and “fuck the creationists” are perhaps more intelligent, containing critical analyses of Evangelist beliefs on a scale Richard Dawkins would be proud of, I still can’t get over the hilarity of the concept that Stephen Hawking is a Gang Banger who rolls on “MIT punks” with his AK. Lines like “time to give a Newtonian demonstration of a bullet, its mass, and its acceleration” are incredible, combining scientific theory with rap music about drive bys, and having a “Stephen Hawking” voice machine read it off. Apparently they sent Mr Hawking a copy of the album (A Brief History of Rhyme), and he found it amusing enough to agree to let them put his name on it, so no need to feel bad about that, either. This may deserve to rank higher, but without a video to go with it, I’m afraid it is forever relegated to 6th position, left in the shadow of greats such as:


#5. Saturday Morning Watchmen – Harry Partridge



Wow. Just… wow. This video is absolutely outstanding. Harry Partridge manages to combine the characters from Alan Moore’s Watchmen with the stylings of 80s kids TV shows to make one of the most hilarious parodies on the internet. It’s a testament to Mr. Partridge’s video making abilities that a large number of commenters on his YouTube page seem to be under the impression that this video is the opening from a Genuine Watchmen TV show, and not the work of an animation and writing genius. Everything about this video is dead on – all the Watchmen references it contains which twist the original story in ridiculous manners are just fantastic: Rorschach stroking the German shepherds, The Comedian fancying Silk Specter 2, Adrian catching the Comedian as he goes out the window, “John can give you cancer” – everything is just so well thought out, and it seems as though “Happy Harry” (a reference to Watchmen in itself) meticulously went through the comics, making notes of all the important character points, then turning them on their heads. The fact that some of the scenes look identical to panels from the comic, too – The Comedian going out the window couldn’t look more similar – also adds to the overall value of the video, and it is definitely worth a watch.


#4. Scientology is... Nice – Tim Cameron



I almost hesitate to include this video, as I am fully aware that the Church of Scientology have a bit of a reputation for scanning the internet looking for anyone who speaks out against them in any manner, and by listing this I may risk losing the chance of casting Tom Cruise in my movie “Dave Savage – One Man Against 4… Chan!”. However, Tim Cameron’s hilarious song, which in essence is about nothing more than the alleged rampant homosexuality present within the Church, definitely deserves a place on this list. Despite the fact that the song never actually says anything negative against either Scientology or Homosexuals, aside from likening the two, seems to have been lost on the majority of commenters on the song’s YouTube page, with a number of comments saying things along the lines of “what’s wrong with gay people? STFU fagzoar” – evidently missing the irony that the term fagzoar was invented as a derogatory term to describe homosexual Xbox users. What I believe the song actually refers to is a quote from scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard in which he said that gay people needed to be “disposed of”, and is playing on the classic analysis that those expressing the most hatred for homosexuals are often gay themselves. But I can’t be certain about that. Whatever the meaning, the song and video are both hilarious, and so are the comments left by contributors like “XenuSmurf”, who in response to the video states:

“Holy Shit!! I took an e-meter and stuck the cans between my thighs as I jerked off to a video of Tom Cruise, and the needle went crazy back and forth. I rock-slammed. I have evil intentions. If I was a Scilon, I'd be sent to the RPF slave camp where there is no Internet, no YouTube, no videos of Tom Cruise, no KY jelly. Horrors!!!”

Having never watched Battlefield Earth, most of this is over my head, but I appreciate the Sentiment.



#3. Opposites attract – Go Remy



The whole of this video, like Remy’s others, is incredibly well made, and he clearly put a lot of effort into doing it. However, the thing that really makes it for me is just one single line: “I can’t dance – she can’t vote”. Now, I know that the idea of women not having rights in a lot of Middle Eastern countries isn’t something to laugh at, but damn it – the way he works the line into the song is just plain genius, and had me laughing for ages the first time I heard it. The greenscreen and splitscreen work included in the video are incredible too, and very impressive for what must have been a very cheaply made video. The little references such as the Monopoly playset also help make the video what it is.

Scarily, looking up information about the Tigris (you’ll notice that’s where he works as a lifeguard in the video), I discovered that (and I quote): “In Sumerian mythology, the Tigris was created by the god Enki, who ejaculated and filled the river with flowing water” – that sounds about as bizarre as Japanese creation mythology!

Perhaps the greatest part of this video, however, is the beautiful poetry which can be found in the comments section. One commenter left this magnificent piece:

فالدُرُ في كنف المحار نفيســــه ... ولــــذاك يُقصد في المقام الأرفعِ
والدرّ في الأعماق يعظم قــــدرهُ ... ويزيدُ قــــدرا في المكان الأمنعِ

Which Microsoft Word’s “Translate” function informs me is Arabic for:

It potato in Oyster Naves e ... and that is intended primarily for higher and Alder in the depths of the greatest ability ... and more attracted where [No Results were found.]

Hmm… maybe it needed to be translated from Persian instead?


#2. I’ll Cut Myself – Death Car for Jimmy



I hate to mention Michael Swaim twice in one article (because you may give up on reading my stuff and go hang out on his Blog instead), but this video is certainly worth a mention. Not only is the song a perfect parody of the entire emo culture, but the music is actually good! I could quite happily listen to this as an actual song, rather than just a spoof. Combine this with the hilarious video, and you’re on to internet music gold! I love the long, slow shots, the way the camera slips in and out of focus, and the lingering tracking shots on Swaim’s face. The locations are also perfect – the train track, the escalator, the field – it’s all just so overwhelmingly emo! I would rank this above the music video Stewie makes in that one episode of family guy (which is bizarrely shown in Mirror Image in every YouTube video I can find of it - look at the writing) in terms of nailing music video clichés on the end – because it is so targeted, and knows exactly who it is parodying. Even the little MTV-style artist/track listing in the bottom corner at the start is perfect – the band being referred to as “Death Car for Jimmy”, a parody of famous emo group “Death Cab for Cutie”. Of course, some YouTube commenters have to go and ruin it for us all, reminding us that people cutting themselves is actually a very serious issue - Geez, way to go Captain Buzzkill… Why don’t you join the feminists on the Opposites Attract comments board and ruin even more peoples’ days?


#1. Sex Offender Shuffle – Scott Gairdner and Alfred Montejano



Somehow, this track inexplicably managed to lose in an online head-to-head with this random twilight video (which is admittedly amusing, just not quite on the same level) for best comedy music video on some site I was linked to but don’t frequent so have not remembered the name of. But this song has it all – the 80s, jokes about sex offenders, Laura Hughes… How do you top that? Sure, the concept isn’t quite up there with “That Guy from Nickleback – Private Eye”, but the execution of this project is flawless. The clothing and props fit the 80s Miami theme perfectly, set design is great and looks like it was shot in an actual studio, and the direction is brilliant. The introduction is hiralious, and looks almost as though it could be a genuine PSA, the lyrics themselves are funny and original, and you also get the feeling they must have had a lot of fun making it. Plus, checking the comments section for the video, it’s clear that, thanks to Mr. Gairdner and Co. 80s chic is coming back in, with more guys saying how hot they think “Laura Hughes” is than I’ve ever seen girl-related comments on a video before… Clearly having massive glasses and dressing like a guy’s mother is the best way to get him to notice you afterall…



As I already mentioned, this is just a list of my favourite such songs so far, and if you want me to watch a song/video you’re particularly fond of that you feel should have made the list, leave a link to it in the comments section, and I may include it in my next such list (in the event I make one).

Until next time.




Voice.

The 7 Best Cover Songs in my Media Library (that I'm aware are covers) - (text)

Often, cover songs are rubbish. Or at least, they’re nothing on the original. Here’s a list of 7 which, even if they don’t outdo the originals, at least come damn close (I apologize if I have missed your favourite cover song, but I’m really just working off my own Media Player at the moment to avoid having to do very extensive research):

#7 Layla (unplugged) – Eric Clapton


Note: unfortunately, I can't find the actual video, but this is the same song.

This one may be cheating a little, given Clapton was the main player in Derek and the Dominoes, so essentially is doing an acoustic version of HIS OWN SONG. However, there’s no denying that this is one of the greatest covers ever recorded. Listening to the original song, you would find it hard to believe that doing an acoustic version could improve it at all – the whole reason anyone likes Layla is the sheer energy, after all: The fast, screaming guitars and vocals have such an energy it’s impossible to listen to the song without wanting to sing (or strum) along to it. And yet – the acoustic version has a quality the original doesn’t. It’s not more feeling, just a different kind of feeling – from passionate aggressive love, to a softer, almost regretful tone. It’s an outstanding cover, if you can call it that, and as I’ve said before – I’m glad Clapton won the Grammy (even if Entertainment Weekly isn’t). Cocaine’s a great cover, too – but sadly not quite good enough to make this list.

#6 The Man Who Sold the World – Nirvana



I’m as big a fan of saying “anything British that the Americans steal is going to turn out rubbish” as the next man. However, this is the exception that proves the rule. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Bowie’s version of the song (which I heard first), but the fact is, if you’re going to write a song about a schizophrenic losing his mind (I’m right about this, aren’t I? Wikipedia wasn’t very helpful, it just said something about H.P. Lovecraft – and I know pretty well all of Bowies songs have alternate meanings; I mean, I knew Jean Genie was about drugs, but Space Oddity? Really? Next you’ll be telling me Rammstein’s “Ohne Dich” is actually about heroin withdrawal, and not a lost love... But that’s for a different post), then having an apparently insane heroin-addicted (Bowie, to my knowledge, was never addicted to Heroin, though he was possibly insane and a big fan of drugs as well) man sing it in a tone that sounds as though he’s considering killing himself (which, in order to avoid getting sued, I’m going to say he was – not that Courtney Love is likely to be reading this) makes perfect sense (seriously, I reckon a depressed Russell Brand could do an awesome cover of this song). Nirvana’s slower, darker tone really reflects the feeling expressed in Bowie’s lyrics, and in some ways, this makes the cover the superior song. Hilariously, Bowie suffered from the Bob Dylan effect (referred to as such because damn near everyone thinks that Guns N Roses wrote “Knockin’ on Heavens Door” and Hendrix wrote “All Along the Watchtower” – though I suppose Bob can’t complain – everyone thinks he wrote “House of the Rising Sun”) after the cover came out, as evidenced by this sentence taken from Nicholas Pegg’s Bowie Biography “The Complete David Bowie”, which I haven’t actually read, so stole this quote from Wikipedia, which referenced the book as its source:

In the wake of this cover, Bowie bemoaned the fact that when he performed the number himself he would encounter "kids that come up afterwards and say, 'It's cool you're doing a Nirvana song.' And I think, 'Fuck you, you little tosser!'”
Damn kids and their music, right Dave?

#5 Midnight Mover – Lordi



What’s better than speed metal? Heavy Metal, apparently – Finnish “monster rock” group Lordi recorded this ridiculously heavy cover of German metal group Accept’s 1985 hit “Midnight Mover” as the B-Side to their single “They only come out at night” (with guest vocalist Udo Dirkschnider, formerly frontman of Accept, and now lead singer of U.D.O), and it blows the A-Side out of the water by a long shot. Although in many ways it does not hold up to the original Accept version, the heavier sound puts this cover firmly in a different genre, making comparisons more difficult. Both have the same powerful energy, and are undoubtedly a couple of the best songs to get yourself psyched up (although I maintain Rammstein’s single “Benzin” is probably the best song for putting yourself on edge), but beyond that, they seem to be completely different songs – despite keeping the exact same rhythm, notes and lyrics. Accept is fast as anything, and feels like something you could run or box to, where as Lordi’s cover is far more head-bang and air-guitar inducing. Whilst the screeched delivery of the vocals may be off-putting for some, in many ways I feel it makes a nice change to the “scream-metal” culture that has developed within in this genre, and it feels good to have the 80s feel back again (although, admittedly, I am rather partial towards Church of Misery, who can only be described as “Scream-Tastic” – still, they’re Japanese, and I guess screaming Metal lyrics is preferable to making “tentacle rape anime” – which from my internet research (AS IN READING ARTICLES ABOUT JAPANESE CULTURE, NOT GOOGLING “TENTACLE RAPE ANIME"!) I’m certain everyone else in Japan does).

#4 Cum on Feel the Noise – Quiet Riot



What can I say? I have good memories of driving around Vice City in a sports car, trying to finish 6 assassinations in 5 and a half minutes as this blared out on V-Rock with Lazlow. It’s just an immense song – the pinnacle of 80s rock music, despite being a cover of a 70s song. Again, it’s an American group covering a British band, but it’s still awesome – and in my opinion, better than the original. The faster drum beat opening, and the section around 3:20 in where the guitars fade out for one rendition of the chorus make this cover, and are what separate it from Slade’s original. This is one of the best driving songs recorded (I could have sworn I wrote an article on the best driving songs, but I can’t find it, so look out for that one – cos I’m gonna be writing it soon!), and an amazing cover. Apparently, Oasis did a cover so the song too - but they're wankers.

#3 My Way – Sid Vicious



I’ve never really listened to the Sex Pistols – or, if I have, I wasn’t aware that it was them performing. I haven’t seen Sid and Nancy, either. In fact, the only reason I know of this song’s existence is because it was used over the end credits of Goodfellas. Is it a cover? Possibly not. It uses the same basic refrain and opening instrumentals as the original version, but other than that is completely different. The harsh lyrics, the punk guitars that come in after a minute or so – couldn’t be more different from the original. Now, I wouldn’t call “It Was a Good Day” a cover of “Footsteps in the Dark”, just as I wouldn’t refer to MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” as a cover of the Rick James song “Super Freak”, despite the fact they share the exact same instrumentals. However, both Sinatra and Sid Vicious’ versions of My Way share not only the same title, but the exact same theme, too – a serious reflection on the artists’ lives, and an honest belief that it was right to act as they did, the fact that everything they did they did their own way being more important than what anyone thought of the way in which they acted. This cover seems to be a mixture of honest confession, and just messing around, and that’s part of what makes it so great. Some of it sounds serious, and some of it is just plain absurd. The fact that Vicious was dead within a year of the song’s release adds further to the feeling of the song, because it seems almost like a near-deathbed confession. Plus, the video is insane!

#2 Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley



I’ll just say this right off the bat – I’m a big Leonard Cohen fan, and I prefer both of his versions of the song to any of the covers. However, as far as covers go, this one is damn good. The minimal instrumentals, made up mostly of just acoustic guitar with minor backing, is such a change from Cohen’s Orchestral, Operatic sounding song, that it’s almost hard to believe it’s the same song. The verses Buckley chose to use are also arranged very intelligently. Whilst Cohen’s original 1984 version focuses more on religious themes, and righteous love, his 1988 version focuses more on lost love and lust. Buckley took the first 2 verses of the 1984 version, and combined it with the entire 1988 version of the song, to create a more tragic sounding love song. The slow pace and softer instrumentals also add to this, making it one of the saddest sounding songs recorded. Much like Cobain, Vicious and DuBrow above, and #1 below, Buckley has also passed on since the recording of this song, though by drowning rather than overdose (and before you say it – Cobain had 3 times a lethal dose of heroin in his body when he was found, so would have been dead even without the 20-gauge shot through his brain), and this makes the song sound more tragic still. It is also possibly the only cover to really do Cohen’s work justice, with all the others seemingly just being a way of “cashing-in” on the success of the song. Does this song beat the original in my books? Of course not – But it comes about as close as possible.

#1 All Along the Watchtower – Hendrix



That's the second list I've done with this one on! I need to branch out more...

Most Bob Dylan covers don’t hold up to the originals. Despite the fact that Dylan can’t actually sing in a conventional sense, he still gives far more feeling in his delivery than almost anyone who has tried to cover his songs, and you get the feeling that many of the people who attempt Dylan covers missed the point of what the original song was about. Not Hendrix, however, who demonstrates he knows what he’s doing with this perfect remodelling of Dylan’s most covered song “All Along the Watchtower”. The heavier opening beat sets up the entire tone of the song, and as always, Hendrix’s guitar work towards the end is unrivalled. Combine this with the powerful delivery of previously soft, concerned lyrics, and this has to be one of the best covers in history – and the only Bob Dylan cover I listen to more often than the original. In fact, if you type "All along the watchtower" into google, it'llcome up with Hendrix BEFORE Dylan!

It was also awesome when they used it in Watchmen.

The 10 Best Wake-Up Songs Ever (currently on my Media Player) - (Text)

THE BEST WAKE-UP SONGS EVER (that I am currently aware of)

I am not a morning person. I hate having to get out of bed. It is by far and away my least favourite part of the day, and given the opportunity, I would not get out of bed until hunger or the need to piss forced me to. Unfortunately, much like you, I too am forced to get out of bed on occasion to do boring things like go to lectures or hand in dissertations, and I therefore require something strong to get me out of bed. Sure, coffee works fine, but you have to actually have the will to stand up and walk into the kitchen to make it. Cocaine’s great too, but I can hardly afford that on a student’s budget. No, I needed something that would work whilst I was still in bed, and that wouldn’t cost me 40 quid a day. And seeing as I hate alarm clocks and love music, I decided that listening to some awesome wake up songs was probably the best solution to my hatred of mornings. So here you have it – for your pleasure, my list of the 10 best wake up songs (currently on my media player).

10 – Drive in Saturday by David Bowie

I feel kind of bad for not including Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen on this list, but although the tone of the song is incredibly upbeat and cheerful, the lyrics are so damn depressing that if you used it as a wake up song long enough to actually hear what he’s saying, you’d never want to leave the comfort of your warm bed ever again. This list shall therefore begin with one of my favourite Bowie songs – one that seems to describe young love as perfectly as I’ve ever heard, and in doing so manages to be one of Bowie’s most uplifting and happy songs that he recorded. It also makes for one hell of a wake-up track.

9 – It Was a Good Day by Ice Cube

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “A rap song on a list of wake up tracks? Is this guy out of his mind?” and the answer is “quite possibly”. However, with it’s very morning-y opening (“just waking up in the morning gotta thank God”) and upbeat tone (it’s about what it feels like to have a good day, and unfortunately those tend to only come when you actually get out of bed and do something with your day, unless you like sports and have a TV in your room like 25% of the men in the world – and yes, that is a made up statistic; aren’t you smart?) this song is the perfect way to start a day. Well, if you’re in to rap music, that is (hence the low spot). The song that this track samples, “Footsteps in the Dark” by the Isley Brothers, is also an awesome wake up track.

8 – Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News

Forget for a second that Patrick Bateman loves Huey Lewis and the News, and that I love Patrick Bateman, and forget for a second just what a good band Huey Lewis and the News are. Forget their catchy yet often intelligent lyrics, and their super cool eighties feel. Forget that this song is so light and happy, yet so powerful that it just makes you want to leap out of bed and dance and sing along to it. Forget all those things, and just think: This song was the theme to Back to the Future – How could it not make the list? And on the subject of 80s cheese...

7 – Keep Feeling Fascination by The Human League

Unfortunately, embedding has been disabled on all the versions of this video I can find on Youtube, for reasons completely unkown to me - so if you want to hear it, click the link above.

This song is so ridiculously cheesy, I guarantee that if you hear it first thing in the morning, you won’t be able to help yourself from getting out of bed and jumping in front of the mirror, singing along with it. Or at least, you won’t if you’re clinically insane. Still, you’ve got to admit, it’s just about upbeat enough to make you want to keep on living when you’re woken by it at 6 AM when your alarm goes off. Plus, it totally sounds like a Flight of the Conchords style parody of the 80s.

6 – The Joker by Steve Miller Band

I don’t know why, but whenever I try and picture myself waking up, as though watching a movie of my life, this is always the song that’s playing as I get out of bed (unless I’m literally watching that movie we filmed where I get out of bed, in which case it’s “Dangerous Man” by Trace Adkins). It’s such a chilled out and relaxed track, with such a cool undertone to it, that it just seems like an ideal song to wake up to. Plus, the bassline’s pretty awesome. However, this track always seems cooler to wake up to when you’re thinking about it the night before than it actually is – the reason being it’s so chilled out, it often just causes you to think “oh, man – how laid back would it be to just spend the day in bed?” and then promptly return to sleep. The same is somewhat true for the next track on this list...

5 – The Man in Me by Bob Dylan

For fans of the big Lebowski, this list ends here. There’s nothing that can top Bob’s soothing, laid back tune and cool, intelligent lyrics when it comes to a wake up song. However, the only way you’re getting out of bed after hearing this is if you get a sudden craving for a Wake ‘N’ Bake. This song will actively make you look forward to the morning, but I guarantee you it won’t make you get out of bed any faster! And speaking of Bob...

4 – All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix

Much as it pains me to say it, there are occasions when the original Dylan versions of songs aren’t appropriate – and this is one of them (The other is playing the original version of “Knocking on Heavens Door” at a Douchebags’ Convention – as they genuinely seem to believe that Guns ‘N’ Roses wrote the song... and why waste art on people who spray themselves orange, and always pose with their lips pursed, as though they intend to kiss anyone they see with a camera as a reward for photographing their douchiness). The reason for this is that the Hendrix cover has a much heavier opening beat, and this energy continues throughout the entire song. The result of this is that it gets you pumped up, and ready to face the day. Also, it was in Watchmen. This is probably the first song mentioned on the list that will actually make you want to get out of bed, if only for the 3 and a Half minutes you’ll be air-guitaring before falling back to sleep.

3 – Here Comes Your Man by The Pixies

It’s just the Bassline. How do I explain it? It makes me want to leap out of bed and go surfing, despite the fact I have no idea how to surf beyond ‘you stand on the board, and the waves carry you along’. This song is just so damn awesome – if I lived in Mexico or Hawaii or anywhere tropical on a beach, I can imagine myself waking up to this same song at sunrise every day for the rest of my life, and dying a happy man. Unfortunately, that is a dream world, and where I am now, there are other, more appropriate, tracks to wake up to. Such as...

2 – Free Falling by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

Most people know this song from the film Jerry Maguire, or possibly from that YouTube video of Tom Cruise driving off a bridge...
Wherever you know it from, however, it is impossible to deny that this is one hell of a wake-up song, incredibly powerful and upbeat in tone, even if the subject matter is very dark (though for all I know all those rumours of the song being about a girl’s suicide could be completely false, just like the time I was told the song “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins was “About that guy who could have saved that other guy from drowning, but didn’t, and Phil saw it all and then at his show he found him”. Oh wait, that was Stan... Still, the point remains) . This is one of the greatest sounds you can possibly hear first thing in the morning – Lucky from King of the Hill singing upbeat rock – inspiring stuff. It makes me feel like I should just go out and seize the day – that I can accomplish anything. And that is why it takes the number 2 spot on this list. However, no matter how good this song is, it just can’t compare to the Number One wake up song ever recorded. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:

1 – More Than A Feeling by Boston.

Just listen.




‘Nuff said.