Ever since I began devoting most of my spare time to the internet (just over 2 years ago now, when an old school friend introduced me to The Spoony Experiment, shortly after which my older brother introduced me to Cracked.com), I've been reading about videos "going viral". Apparently, people make videos they know will get a lot of hits in order to advertise their websites. "Great!" I thought to myself "if I create a video that goes viral, I'll be guaranteed to get more hits on my Blog!". And with that, I began what has become one of the most gruelling endurance tasks of my life (and I've had sex with a catholic): I set out to create my very own VIRAL VIDEO! Cue suspenseful music.
"Now THAT'S what I call suspenseful music!" - Michael Bay.
The easiest way of ensuring a video goes viral, of course, is to feature a cute animal in it. However, my attempts to achieve viral status through uploading videos of my dog have, so far, been futile.
Whilst I was certain I was onto a winner with this video, I was sadly mistaken. You see, I thought people would find a video of a collie in the snow cute. Instead, I received the following comments:
"OMG! Thats so cruel! You shouldnt hav made her stand in the snow like that!" - Janis88XO
"I agree wiv Janis. Ur Sick" - PedoBear69
"Wow, ur voice is gay wen ur talkin 2 ur dog. Fagzoar" - Fred4Eva731
"@Fred - LMAO! Ur rite! wat a superfag!" - LucyButler69
"Ur Dad iz proper fit" - Gary
Obviously, I was not pleased with this. After all, I thought I was onto a winner with this one, and instead I got called both a "Fagzoar" AND a "Superfag". In light of this, I decided to try something different. People often try and tie their videos in with a popular TV show or movie in order to get views from people who are searching for said movie/show. In light of this, I decided I would film a parody trailer for a popular show, using lines from a popular film, and tag both. How could it possibly go wrong?
Alas, go wrong it did. Here are the comments:
"WTF? Wilson isnt a football! STFU fag!" - CastawayFan04
"lol - thats not how you play bass! tard..." - Bassmasta92
"OMFG! Ur sooooo not as fit as Hugh Laurie!" - AmsSchwarz
"wow - wat a pile of wank" - KanyeFan01
This was starting to try my patience now - not only was I not receiving very positive comments, but I wasn't getting many views, either. In fact, between the two videos, I had a grand total of 37 views. This called for drastic action. I was going to have to do something I never wanted to do when I was starting out in the internet writing business... I was going to have to give the people what they wanted:
Unfortunately, not even this drastic video went viral, and I got the following comments:
"Meh." - CFrench88
"How Small are your ARMS???????? OMG! Go to the gym u spaztard!" - Coach111
"And work on your pecs whilst you're at it!" - Gorilla340
"pfff... your traps are like speed humps. i got a couple of BUSSES on either side of MY NECK! Mwaaaaaaarrrrgh!!!!" - TheDurkenator08
"Dude! U REALLY need 2 wurk on ur delts! they're soooooo small!" - CarrottTopFan
"It's ok, dude, don't listen to those other guys - I'm watching, and I think you're looking yolked. What's German, btw?" - JustinBieber
and only 15 views to boot. I was getting desperate, I needed to make a viral video to become famous! But I couldn't think of anything. Just as I was about to give up and hang myself by my belt using the doorhandle, however, it occurred to me that the elections were today, and this meant people would be searching the web to see if their favourite politician had won or not. Seeing my opportunity, I took it; and created what will surely become the greatest viral video hit of all time!
Watch this space...
P.S. before anyone actually mentions it: No, that is NOT how you play bass. However, as you can no doubt tell from the shorter hair and the fact I weigh about 2 stone less (and the fact it's advertising season 5 of House, despite the fact that Season 6 is on at the moment), that video was actually shot a little while ago, before I had learnt to play. Thanks for noticing, though. Way to bring me down...