Monday, 24 May 2010
Search for the Most Beautiful Tweet... with Stephen Fry! Well, not really - but how else am I gonna get people to read this crap? (text)
So I hear that Stephen Fry is looking for “the most beautiful Tweet ever written”; which he intends to announce on the 6th July, for some reason. Being the helpful guy that I am, and knowing that Stephen Fry is best mates with my hero Hugh Laurie, and will possibly introduce us if I help him out, I decided to make life for Stephen a lot easier, and combed Twitter to find the most interesting and revealing Tweets that celebrities have uploaded over the past year that I could. I’ll let the results speak for themselves, but I’d be very surprised if one of these <140 character goldmines didn’t win the grand prize.
Alec Baldwin:
“Spent the afternoon at Rosie Arquette’s picnic. Was flirting with sister Alexi for well over an hour. Wish someone had told me shes a tranny”
James Woods:
“At poker game with Heather Graham. Just saw her using Blackberry. Tweeted she has a straight flush – time to fold! poker FAIL! Lololool”
Terry O’Quinn:
“People going crazy about Lost finale - Hope its raised profile enough we can make MillenniuM film. If Lance isn’t too busy doing Cody Banks”
Lance Henriksen @ Terry O’Quinn:
“Tezza, your Tweet makes it sound like Frankie Muniz and I are gay lovers. I know there’s a character limit, but still… p.s. Lost was sick!”
Russell Brand:
“Why is it people keep asking me if I realize Katy looks like a blowup doll? Hello – why do you think I started dating her in the 1st place?”
David Cameron:
“All this additional security is so unnecessary – I mean, who would want to kill me? The idea is absurd… I’m ordering my escort off. Toodles!”
Nick Clegg:
“Anyone here know where I can get Hydrogen Peroxide, Ammonium Sulphide, BBs and Polystyrene at short notice? Art project for the kids school…”
David Bowie:
“What’s with all the people saying Christina and Fergie stole Lady GaGa’s style? Its my fucking style! Young people should burn! Also I’m Bi.”
Steven Seagal:
“You believe they cut my scene out Expendables just cos I had sex slaves? Still, better than Snipes – they cut him out cos hes black. No Joke”
Wesley Snipes @ Sylvester Stallone:
“What the fuck do you mean you cut me out cos I’m a brother? How could you not have known that before filming started? Cracker-ass mothafucka”
Sylvester Stallone @ Dolph Lundgren:
“I think their onto us – they know we cut Wes out the film for being black – we cant keep our plan for a master race under wraps much longer!”
Dolph Lundgren @ Sylvester Stallone:
“Hey Sly, I think you meant to send that message to Arnold. No harm done, though – I’ll just link him. Also, it’s “They’re”. Regards. Dolph.”
Sylvester Stallone @ Dolph Lundgren:
“My bad, man. I’m sorry – it’s just all you Germans look alike to me. Maybe you should always stand on one side of another like Ant and Dec?”
Dolph Lundgren @ Sylvester Stallone:
“Arnold’s Austrian, and I’m Swedish. And what are you doing watching Ant and Dec, anyway?”
Sylvester Stallone @ Dolph Lundgren:
“Arnold isn’t Austrian. What are you talking about? I’ve never once heard him say “throw a couple shrimp on the Barbie” – He’s blates German!”
Jason Statham @ Sylvester Stallone:
“ **** FACEPALM **** ”
Justin Bieber @ Sylvester Stallone:
“What’s German? We don’t use that word in America.”
Dolph Lundgren @ Justin Bieber:
“ **** FACEPALM **** ”
Jay Z @ Justin Bieber:
“I got 99 problems and Justin Bieber ain’t one - cos hes a Bitch. How the fuck do you not know what German is? You never listen to Rammstein?”
RZA @ Jay Z:
“Dude, WTF?”
Miley Cyrus @ Justin Bieber:
“OMG! U r sooo dumb! That’s sooo cuuuutttteeee!!!!! <33333333333333 :)))) LOOOOVE YOU BIEBS!!!!! Hav u heard my new song? Its like OMGosh! <3
Sylvester Stallone @ Miley Cyrus:
“Miley, please don’t post comments like that on my wall. Stick to uploading half-naked pictures of yourself instead. We can all enjoy those!”
Miley Cyrus @ Sylvester Stallone:
“OMG! Sorry Sly! Totes 4t I was writing on Beebs’s wall – SOOOOOOO EMBARRASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <333333333333 LUV U SLY!!!!! <3333333333”
Dappy:
M8 IZ A GANGSTA FUCK DA PO-POS ELSE IZ GUN SHOOT DEM NIGGAZ WHUT! NDUBZ IZ PLAYIN BUTLINZ 2MORRA NITE B VER! REPPIN UP DA AFFENZ MASSIV BOI!
Voice From the Pillow @ Dappy:
“Why won’t you fucking Die already?”
Hugh Grant @ Alec Baldwin:
“Wow, wish I’d read your Tweet an hour ago, Alec… Boy, this is awkward…”
Seth MacFarlene @ Hugh Grant:
“Now you know how that guy who plays Ferris Bueller felt when he was on his Honeymoon with Sarah Jessica Parker!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!”
Hugh Grant @ Seth MacFarlene:
“I didn’t know John Cussack was married to Sarah Jessica Parker! How Quaint! Must remember that one for my Christmas card list! Thanks, Seth!
Mathew Brodderick @ Hugh Grant & Seth MacFarlene:
“Fuck you guys.”
Trey Parker @ Seth MacFarlene:
“Find some new material you talentless dick! Sarah Jessica Parker is amazing! She used to date Robert Downey, jr - Something you’ll never do!”
Matt Stone @ Trey Parker:
“Dude, WTF?”
Robert Downey, jr. @ Trey Parker:
“ **** FACEPALM **** ”
Jude Law @ Robert Downey, jr.:
“Uh, Robert – adding a Facepalm after that comment makes it looks as though Trey’s comment was dumb because you ARE seeing Seth MacFarlene…”
Robert Downey, jr. @ Jude Law:
“…”
Jude Law @ Robert Downey, jr:
“How Could You?!?!?!”
Joseph Fiennes @ Jude Law:
How could YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!”
Jude Law @ Joseph Fiennes:
“It told you Joseph! Its over between us! Has been for some time now! You need to move on! John loves you, why cant you love him as deserves?”
John Cho @ Joseph Fiennes:
“HOW COULD YOU!?!??! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! BUT NOW I SEE ALL YOU WANT IS JUDE! ALL YOU’VE EVER WANTED IS JUDE! I’M LEAVING YOU!”
Kal Penn @ John Cho:
“You didnt need that Bastard anyway, John! You’re too good for him! You deserve someone better! Someone caring! Someone Warm! Someone Indian?”
Voice From the Pillow:
“Are there any celebrities on here who aren’t gay? Other than Bowie.”
Stephen Fry @ Voice From the Pillow:
“Stupid question. Why do you think I’ve become known as the great British pioneer of this site? It’s just a more subtle version of Gaydar…”
Alan Davies @ Stephen Fry:
“Really? Must not have got that memo…”
Stephen Fry @ Alan Davies:
“Don’t pretend, Alan! Stop denying what you truly are to the world!”
Alan Davies @ Stephen Fry:
“Jewish?”
Stephen Fry @ Alan Davies:
“Well played, sir…”
Samantha Cameron @ Voice From the Pillow
“David isn’t gay…”
David Cameron @ Samantha Cameron:
"Uh... Honey? We need to talk..."
Elton John @ David Cameron:
"Uh-oh! Busted!"
Samantha Cameron @ David Cameron:
"Wait! This could still be a good thing! Imagine how famous I'll become - being the wife of the first ever gay prime minister!"
Benjamin Disraeli @ Samantha Cameron:
"Yeah, about that..."
Mark Thatcher @ Benjamin Disraeli:
"Aren't you dead?"
Benjamin Disraeli @ Mark Thatcher:
"Aren't you a douchebag?"
William Gladstone @ Benjamin Disraeli:
"Well played, Benny!"
Nick Clegg
"Hey guys, forget my last post - now I need to know how to hook up a radio detonator to a mobile phone. Sciene fair project..."
Dappy @ Nick Clegg
M8 I NO DAT SHIT COS IZ GANG$TA! TXT ME, YE? IZ GUNA SHOW U ALL DAT SHIT BRA!
Nick Clegg @ Dappy:
Fuck off, retard.
Voice From the Pillow @ Nick Clegg:
"Oh man, now you're making me feel bad I didn't vote for you..."
Nick Clegg @ Voice From the Pillow:
"Don't worry, Voice - I'm sure my time as Prime Minister will come soon enough... ;) "
David Cameron:
Ooh! Someone's left a new radio in my office! Smells a bit like hydrogen peroxide. May phone security on my mobile to check it over. JIC."
There you have it - a day in the life of Twitter! And you have no idea how hard it was getting all of these shorter than 140 characters! For the people who wrote them, I mean. I just found them...
Voice
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