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Monday, 24 May 2010

Helping out my Fellow Bloggers (Text Review)

Those of you familiar with the Blog will be aware that, on occasion, I have advertised my Uncle Michael's excellent Blog; Song of the Kingdom. Which is great. However, I realised that there is one minor problem with this: Michael uses a Wordpress Blog, not a Blogger account - and if I want to make friends online, I have to associate with my own people!

I therefore decided to click the "Next Blog" button at the top of the screen, and just review whatever Blog came up! What could possibly go wrong? After all, this is Blogger, not 4Chan! There won't be any goat porn, there won't be the "Virgin Killers" album cover, there won't be any Hentai - Blogger is filled with normal, decent people, just like me. So, with that in mind, let's get stuck into "Mojangled", the Blog run by female Texan banker, Mo.

Ok... wow. Seriously? That's just unlucky. Not only is she from one of the most hated States in America (I personally have nothing against Texans, but then I like shooting stuff for the hell of it, so I fit right in), but she's also a BANKER? Ouch. I'm gonna have a law degree in about 2 months time, but next to bankers, lawyers are like puppies - cute and harmless, but will still piss all over you if they get the chance. But let's not judge a book by it's cover - a man should not be judged by the colour of his skin, but by the manner in which he lives his life. Or something. I think Lincoln or someone said that... Or was it Jesus? Whatever, I'm sure he was baked, whoever he was...

mecha lincoln Pictures, Images and Photos

Anyway, I started reading Mo's most recent post, a Blog entry called "Write that Down", in which she shows us a picture that she took of an unsuspecting victim in an airport, then proceeds to judge him entirely on his appearance - as you would expect from a banker (or even a lawyer - thinking PATRICK BATEMAN, people! Those playing the Game at home, congratulations, I just made you think about it. Those playing the Patrick Bateman drinking game on my Blog - that's twice in one bracketed paragraph - 2 tequilas and a gram of cocaine!).

Now, I'm all for taking pictures of unsuspecting victims and then pouring over them on your computer (if you're a serial killer). Hell, I've even done it myself!

Damn, I could stalk her all afternoon, but I have to test the chainsaw before 4 o'clock, so I've got time to return it if it doesn't cut through flesh as smoothly as it should...

And this case is no exception. I mean, just look at the guy!

Mo quickly points out the man's shortcomings with such a sharp eye and razor tongue you'd be sure you were watching Trap Door if it was still on (which I wish it was! Oh God! I wish it was...). Mo points out:

"Those are BLACK ankle socks. With brown slip on shoes. BLACK. WITH BROWN. And khaki SHORTS with a green shirt! As you can see, he's not wearing a wedding band because no woman would marry someone who dresses like that and even if she did she would NEVER have let him leave the house like that."

How right she is. Black socks with Brown shoes? What next! I'm glad that someone is out there judging unsuspecting people on their fashion sense - otherwise how could we all keep on living? I for one am in complete agreement with Mo here, and believe the sooner we get an actual fashion police on the street armed with Tasers to deal with the poorly dressed, the better! After all, I myself am at the forefront of modern fashion trends:

Note how I don't look like a Douchebag Hipster at all? Blue jeans with a suit jacket; phone hanging down by headphone cable; not looking at camera; hair swept slightly to the side; black trainers; and a £4 shirt with a £60 watch? Yep, I don't look like a douche at all here...

The Homeless look is really "in" this season. It's this year's "Derelicte!"

I'm hoping this will replace the "Barney Rubble" as the summer's must-have style!

Scrolling down to Mo's next post, however, things started to go downhill. Not only did I realise that she was using very Manhunt-esque titles for her Blog sections, which is never a good idea (I discovered this when i started a blog called "Deliverance", and had about 10,000 people email me Hillbilly porn), but I also discovered how truly ignorant she is. You see: she was searching for the perfect cheeseburger.

I actually got so anaemic after eating that burger it turned me white. True story.

Now, I know this sounds harmless enough, but if this post tells me one thing about Mo, aside from the fact that she's a fat American (as opposed to a fat Brit, like myself), it's that she hasn't watched the Harold and Kumar films. Not only that, but she doesn't even seem to be familiar with the basic plot of the first movie - and she must therefore burn.

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I decided to give Mo just one more chance to prove she had what it takes to get a recommendation off me, when I was confronted with her post "Check in". It seems our American friend is taking diet pills in order to lose weight, and as a man who went from weighing 9 and a half stone to 16 stone in just a couple of years, I can sympathise.

Me circa Boxing Day 2007 @ 63kgs

Me circa 2 days ago at... I dunno... 100kg? 105kg? something like that.

Oh Wait - no I can't! Damn it, when will these fatties learn it's their own fault they're so big! Especially me! That's it, I've had enough of this Blog! What kind of a person thinks

"Ya know, I think deep down I was kind of hoping this medication would be some kind of miracle pill. That I would take it every day like a good girl and BOOM! the weight would just melt off of me."

even if it is just "deep down"? Get some exercise! Do some Heroin! What is it with you people and trying to take the easy way out? Don't you listen to Robert Tepper?

This isn't actually Robert Tepper, but his picture comes up when you search for "Robert Tepper" on Google images.

And just when I thought I couldn't dislike Mo any more, I clicked on one of her pictures, and was given the details of it she posted when uploading it. And guess what? This woman actually calls her iPhone a "jesus phone". No shit! A christian is idol worshipping an Apple telephone. THAT IS IT!!!!!



1/5 stars

Good for teh lulz, but just too Damn American and too damn Banker-ish! If it were up to me, all Bankers would be buried alive in coffins with a fresh air supply coming in so they couldn't suffocate, and an IV drip feeding them fluids so they wouldn't die of thirst, and left to die of muscle wastage - which would hopefully take as much as a year for them to succumb to. And Mo's Blog doesn't give me any reason to leave her out of this cull! You know, except for comedic value... Afterall, she did have Bacon in her Bloody Mary! What a quirky woman!


When not insulting everyone on the planet whose existence he has any vague idea of, Voice writes about himself in the 3rd person like a douchebag at the bottom of his articles, and generally fails at life.

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