Inception Comic (it's an MP3, obviously)

To make up for the fact that I haven't been bothering to write for ages, it seems I have split my article on Inception over 4 different Blog posts now - making it look as though I am slightly more active than I actually am. But who cares? As long as I post all the good stuff, everything should work out just fine. Anyway...


Apparently, the role of Cobb (the lead) in Inception was originally offered to Matt Damon, who was forced to turn it down due to scheduling conflicts (source), so in light of this, I have create a comic, which I dedicate to Mr Damon. I hope you enjoy it:





(I know I probably should have included this as a little joke just at the end of my review, but I didn't think of it until today, so it gets it's own post. Still, you liked it, right?... right?).

Inception: Afterthoughts (Text)

I was debating putting the title over the Inception poster, but apparently some other Douchebags have already named their show "Afterthoughts", and have already reviewed inception. WANKERS! Still, here's a link if you're interested (we critics have to look out for one another).


As you may have been able to tell, I bashed out my Inception review pretty quickly after returning from the cinema, to get it online as fast as I could. Of course, since it was around 2:30AM by the time I finished writing it, this meant I was completely knackered for almost the entire period I was writing, having gotten up early that morning to go to the gym (whilst I’m at it, I wish to correct a mistake from my review – I stated that I was seated next to a 20 stone powerlifter in the cinema. This is false – he is a 20 stone strong man), and so I felt there were a couple of things I missed out of my review which I would actually quite like to discuss. Here they are:

Whilst I briefly mentioned that the special effects in the movie were fairly well done, I would like to refer to just 2 of them a little more specifically, because I really enjoyed these. The first real “wow” moment of the movie, for me, came when we first saw Leonardo DiCaprio being awoken from a dream via “dunking”. We see Leo in the dream, avoiding falling rubble as the dream collapses around him, and then cut to outside, in the real world (or, as it actually is, a shallower level of the dream), where Leo’s team decide to wake him. Leo does not respond to just noise, or slapping or shaking, so they tip him backwards into a bathtub full of water which was in place specially for this purpose. As Leo falls back into the bathtub, the footage from the first level of the dream slows right down, as time appears to move faster the deeper into the subconscious we go, and this shot is intercut with the dream sequence collapsing as water rushes in from every angle and a tidal wave crashes over our star. This was the first example of any kind of “kick” used in the film, and also introduced us both to the time differences between levels, and also the idea that outside actions will effect what’s happening in a dream, and it really helped set the tone for the entire film. As I said, watching Ellen Page being “kicked” through all 4 levels of dream and into real life near the end is definitely the best effect of this nature within the movie, but that first one just set everything up so perfectly, and was so well executed, that for me it was the point where I thought “hey, this could actually be really good. Except the ending will be shite”.

Another thing I liked was the way in which Leo’s partner from the start is not simply killed off early on, as I was expecting, to be replaced by Ellen Page, but rather everyone joins together as a team, and are all involved in some way in the plan coming together; no one is just a token character, they all have a reason for being there. I was pleased with this because the trailers made it look as though the entire film was just Leo and Page going into people’s dreams, and I think the way the characters were all cleverly intertwined and reliant on each other was a great improvement on what I had been expecting.

Another thing I liked was when Leo’s partner from the start of the film (who was ridiculously familiar, but whose name I can’t be bothered to find on IMDB, despite the fact it would probably have been quicker to do so than typing this explanatory statement) walks up the walls and onto the ceiling in zero gravity whilst the camera rotates around him; not because the effect is so incredibly well done (though it is fairly good), but because it was such a good homage to one of the greatest effects shots in cinema history; the shot from “2001: A Space Odyssey” where we see one of the astronauts do the exact same thing. Oh, and because it spawned this picture:


Which is, of course, an homage to this picture.


I also felt that I should maybe go into slightly more depth with regards to the whole reality/dreams thing at the end. Some people will no doubt say that it was all a dream in Leo’s head, and that he was just a business man who fell asleep on a plane and dreamt about the people around him being able to travel into dreams. Whilst no-one speaks to him on the plane at the end, making this theoretically a possibility, I highly doubt they would give him such potent looks if he were just some guy they were on the plane with who fell asleep for the entire journey, so I think a lot of the film was meant to be “reality”, with only the very end possibly being limbo. However, it does occur to me that Leo may have created this entire scenario, as his wife suggests, in Limbo, and that nothing in the film actually happens, but is all in his subconscious. Of course, this would mean having to discard the totem spinning at the end as being relevant, as we see it stop a couple of times during the film when he tries it in “the real world”, and so there is no evidence to back up this theory, as we cannot even say he is dreaming at the very end. However, because he finds his wife’s totem in limbo, it is possible that he just imagined the totem, so the totem will stop in the levels his mind believes to be real, and not in the ones his mind believes to be fake; and does not actually truly signify if he is awake or not. The totem spinning at the end, therefore, could be a signal that he has finally accepted his entire reality is a dream, and that he is ready to wake up. Under closer inspection, this answer also makes sense, because when he wants to escape limbo with his wife, they just kill themselves and it magically works, but when Ellen Page is in limbo, she doesn’t just kill herself to wake up, but goes through all the pain of having to get the kicks just right to return. If you returned to reality just by killing yourself when in limbo, there would have been no reason for them to ever be scared of dying in a dream and going to limbo, because they would know it was easy to wake up again. I therefore feel, with this in mind, that there is a strong possibility that it was all created in Leo’s mind whilst in limbo, and that he will eventually wake up next to his wife in the bedroom where they were testing to see how deep they could go. Whether or not this is what Nolan intended, I do not know, but even if it wasn’t, I like the interpretation I previously suggested as well. Either way, I feel this is one of those endings people will be talking about for a long time, and I think Nolan has outdone himself, for once, in making a twist ending that is actually intelligent and that actually makes sense.

I do just have one minor problem with it, however, in that surely it doesn’t matter whether it is real or not, because eventually Leo is going to wake up, regardless of how deep into his subconscious he has gone, and it will be as though nothing has happened. If he was in limbo the whole time, he will wake up with his wife and kids, and if it was mostly reality, he will eventually wake up on the plane, as a literal interpretation of the events depicted will suggest. Sure, it will feel like 80 years or whatever when he’s down there, but once he has awoken, the amount of relative time spent in limbo will become nothing. As long as his brain isn’t fried, as they suggested could happen if one went into limbo, then as soon as he wakes up, Leo should be fine. The question of whether or not the events are real, therefore, is moot; because whatever happens, he will eventually wake up (or possibly already did at the end). The only real fun is in deciding whether or not the events were “real”, so to speak. Also, if you could live a lifetime in 10 hours of actual time, surely that would be a good thing to experience? At both the start and end, we see Leo and Ken Watanabee in limbo, with Watanabee’s guards surrounding them. If you can imagine people and create them in limbo, surely a whole world can be imagined (as I have just suggested, and as Leo’s wife suggests within the film), and therefore why would losing your mind become a problem? Just a thought, but I think in some ways this movie raises a lot of philosophical questions about the importance of reality. Why wake up if you can create a perfect world that will last forever in your mind? Jesus, that’s almost as deep as the questions raised by the Stretch Armstrong movie.

So, there you have it, a couple of additions to yesterday’s review, just to augment it a little. I think this was a very enjoyable movie, and I certainly recommend it. I hope you have enjoyed reading my 3 part discussion of “Inception”, and if not you can bugger off. Cheers!


Voice

Inception Review (Text)

I suppose I can’t really discuss this movie without giving away the ending. After all, I was ranting on for quite a while about how the ending would be where this movie would all fall down – so I’m going to throw a Spoilers warning out there straight off – just so you know. That said, however, there are some things I can discuss without giving away too much.

The indelible (not infallible – see what I did there?) Mr Fonch over at Cracked Lips and Caffeine recently wrote a review of the television show NCIS, based solely on how hot Abby, the main female character in the show, was. Now, whilst I ripped on him for a few minutes over the fact he wrote “a lot” as “alot”, and proceeded to tell him he was an idiot for suggesting that all the many crime scene investigation shows that are around now are rip-offs of CSI despite the fact I could plainly see he had the MillenniuM boxset on his video shelf, I felt he was onto something. I’ve heard a lot (unintentional – sorry, Fonch) of guys discussing Ellen Page before, and it seems to me that, much like Marmite, or The Dark Knight, you either love her or hate her. Now, whilst I’m not big on the kind of attitudes her characters have in most films (typically being the “quirky” character, which basically is another way of saying “unbearably annoying”. Shit, she’s almost as bad as Michael Cera on the scale of douche indie character actors – though probably has more upper body strength…), I am actually only going to discuss her looks in the next paragraph, so skip ahead if you don’t want to hear what you all know is true.

I suspect most of the guys who find Ellen Page really hot are closet paedophiles. There. It’s out there. Deal with it.


See what I mean? What is she, like, 12? Well, a quick Google search informs me she's actually older than I am BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT, DAMN IT!

You see, the fact is, she has a body like a 10 year old’s, and a very young face. Do I find her attractive? Of course I do, she’s very pretty – but I wish guys would stop referring to her as outright “hot”. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: “dude, she’s waaaay over 16 now, what’s the problem? Are you telling me you never fucked a 16 year old before?” Well yes, she is, and yes, I have. But what concerns me is this borderline creepiness I see when guys are going on about how hot Ellen Page is, and then drop lines like “Oh yeah, she’s so hot, if I was [the guy in X-Men 3] I would totally have gotten with her”. WHAT?!?!?! WASN'T HER CHARACTER 13 IN THAT FILM?????


Also, the whole PVC/leather fetish thing is just weird. Basically, you're either turned on by plastic, or by dead animals. You make me SICK!


Just in case you'd forgotten about that time I said I was gonna fuck Miley Cyrus...


But, off the paedo thing for now, because as we all know, calling someone a paedophile is the lowest form of humour. Incidentally, what’s Princess Di’s favourite ice cream? Carte D’or and Walls! Hmmm… I think that one needs to be said out load and with the right inflection to be funny…


Oh right! Car door and Walls! Now I get it!

However, I will say this for Ellen Page, I think she’s more attractive than Megan Fox, who has the WEIRDEST FUCKING THUMBS I HAVE EVER SEEN AND OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO PUKE HOW THE HELL IS NO-ONE ELSE SEEING THIS? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I MUST BE GAY TO BE LOOKING AT HER HANDS HOW COULD I NOT NOTICE THOSE FUCKING THINGS THEY’RE FUCKING REVOLTING!


I rest my case...

Plus, fancying her is less creepy than those guys who go on about how hot Emma Watson is whilst watching Chamber of Secrets (you know who you are!). And I do think that the people who go the opposite route and hate on Ellen saying she’s not attractive are maybe just over-reacting to too much crazy positive hype, in the same way that I would tell people I hated the Dark knight when really I just disliked bits of it; because I had to break through the wall of fanboy obsession. So, let’s leave it with this for Page’s looks: If she was a regular girl I met, I would ask her out, and I would shag her; but I wouldn’t jerk off over home movies of her when she was 13. ‘Nuff said.


When a woman calls you out like that, there's only one solution


But, onto the actual movie itself. Obviously, what I really want to discuss is the ending, but I’ll chuck a few things out there to pad my review out a bit…


And now we spend 300 words discussing Patrick Bateman diversifying his profolio...

The effects were really well done, and were very effective. I hated on The Dark knight big time for the shitty, shitty CGI on Two Face, so I’m pleased to be able to say that the effects in Inception did not take me out of the movie at any point (although, the incredibly small leg room in the cinema did quite a bit. Seriously, are those seats designed for people who are 5’5” and 130lbs? and the narrowness – it’s cool when I go with my mate Josh who’s about 11 stone and skinny, but I was sitting with a 20 stone powerlifter who has a 52” chest today – they just don’t cater for that!). I liked the way a lot of the action was framed, and for once the slow motion actually seemed appropriate (Which is quite a rare thing these days).

The acting was pretty good all round, as well, with no-one doing anything quite awful enough for me to suspend my suspension of disbelief and actively think about their acting whilst the movie was going on, which is more than I can say for Nolan’s last picture (Remember kids, gargling with nails and smoking 5 packs a day to supplement your 3 meals of gravel ISN’T what acting’s all about). Not only that, but all the shots were nicely framed, and for the most part the transitions were nice too (with the obvious exception of Ellen Page and her coffee cup when they are at the Café in Paris).

I do, however, have some complaints. Chief among these is the continuity problems, which is what annoyed me most about this film. The idea is that as you go deeper into an individual’s subconscious, the more time slows relative to how it was in the earlier levels. However, this is never kept consistent – and the amount of time that passes in one level relative to the next varies wildly. Of course, this was done to avoid the difficulties of having to synchronize events across the different levels whilst filming, on the assumption that most audiences will be too dumb/too forgiving to care anyway, but it did bug me as I was watching it that at one point a minute in the first level was the same as about 3 in the second, and by the end 10 seconds in the first was the same as 10 minutes in the second. But hell, if you’ve gotta mess with shit like that to get the story in a half decent shape, then I guess it’s well worth the sacrifice. After all, these problems didn’t bother me all that much as I was watching.

The other problem I noticed with this was the fact that what’s happening in the real world effects the dream at the first level, and what happens in the first level effects the second in the same way, and yet there is no link between the second and third in this manner in terms of the gravity/environment, yet the music before the kick can still be heard in the third level when no other environmental factors are affected. But whatever, I’m sure some fanboy online somewhere has written a 10,000 word essay on why this is.


Because some days posing with your guns and guitar hero controllers just isn't enough...

The only other continuity problem I had was this: When Leo’s talking about getting him and his wife out of limbo, we see them exiting young, and yet soon after we see them there a little earlier on, old. Now, either they aged, in which case they should have been old when they left, or they had complete control over everything so could reverse the effects of age, in which case why did they let themselves age at all? I didn’t quite follow that, but thanks to how this movie was resolved, I feel like it may have been because I wasn’t following closely enough, and not just that Nolan is a complete Numpty who doesn’t think whilst making his films (which is what I previously thought).

When I was writing about how Memento could have all been a dream, I suddenly had an awful feeling that this was how Inception would end; it would turn out that everything was all a dream. But it was far more intelligent than that, even if the ending was ridiculously predictable.



Just like Memento, we had the “big twist” thrown in about 10 minutes before the film ended (seriously, why the fuck to people go on about Shayamaln ending all his movies with a twist and not say anything about Nolan doing the same? Memento? Twist. Batman Begins? Twist. Prestige? Twist. Dark Knight? Twist. Inception? Mother-fucking TWIST! By my count that’s Nolan 5, Shayamalan 4 (Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, The Village, and from what I hear The Happening. Signs doesn’t count as a twist because, well, it wasn’t), and although it felt like a slight cop-out and didn’t entirely explain everything, I was relatively happy with the explanation; just like Joe Pantoliano’s speech at the end of Memento. It was relatively intelligent, not overly predictable, and tied things up fairly well. But this wasn’t the best part of the ending. After the big revelation, we see Leo go deeper into the subconscious, and into limbo, to rescue one of his team who had died in the dream and fallen through, before seeing everyone wake up with the “kick” (this was done really well, too – we follow Ellen Page as she comes up through 4 layers of dream to the real world, each time waking up with a kick from one layer to the next – probably my favourite part of the movie (or any Nolan movie!)). After they have woken up, Leo goes back to his family, and we get the standard happy ending, except everyone in the cinema knew (and one guy even shouted out) that he is still dreaming and is in fact still in limbo, simply dreaming he has awoken and returned home. Now, you may be asking why I like such an obvious, predictable ending when I’m normally so happy to rip into Nolan – but the reason I liked it is because it’s so obvious! It’s been done countless times before, and it’s so much better than any of the other endings I was worried Nolan might try and use.


I was going to post an image of the ending of Lost, but if you search for "lost ending" on Google you get Hugh Laurie doing the Sieg Heil salute, and... well... how could I resist?

What’s great about this ending is that it’s ambiguous; is he still asleep, or is this real? If he is asleep, is he in limbo since he went in after Ken Watanabee, or is he in limbo from when he and his wife were there? It’s like the “they were asleep/dead all along” ending, but more interesting because you have to decide for yourself when it happened. It’s just like “Minority Report”; does Tom Cruise really save the day, or is he in the prison where your mind is pacified by thoughts that leave you no longer wanting to escape? It’s like “Taxi Driver”; is it all real, or does DeNiro die on the sofa and the last bit is him imagining what it would be like if he survived (or, is he completely insane and everything beyond a certain point much earlier in the movie all a construct in his deluded mind)? WHO KNOWS? So congratulations, Christopher Nolan, you have reused an ending which directors have been putting in their movies for years, and it’s your best movie yet!


This is what came up when I searched for "Christopher+Nolan+Happy".


That’s right – I really enjoyed Inception, much more so than I did, say The Dark Knight. It’s complicated, but not to the extent you can’t easily follow it. It’s smart, but at the same time very familiar – it’s everything a blockbuster should be. Sure, there were bits that annoyed me, and a few errors in continuity and possible plot holes, but nothing so big it detracted from the story in any way, and certainly nothing as major as in Nolan’s previous films. This movie in no way deserves to be rated the 3rd best movie ever made (as it is on IMDB), but I would certainly recommend watching it. Or I would, but the Expendables is out tomorrow, and I have a feeling that’s going to be even better!


Rating:


****

4 stars


Great fun; excitement, adventure, and well worth the 4 quid discount ticket I bought to go see it. It isn’t ground-breaking, and isn’t the most intelligent film ever (as some are purporting it to be), but damn it, it wasn’t half bad (especially for a Nolan movie).



Voice



Although whilst we're on it, it did piss me off how the bad guys were stood 1 metre from the car with the good guys in with automatic weapons and still couldn't hit them - you'd have thought one could shoot well enough, or get up on the roof and shoot down through the metal, or something? Just a thought...

The Departed - In Depth (Text)

First Published Feb 13 2009

Originally, I hadn’t intended to do reviews of movies where my opinion of the film matched the opinion of the majority of people I know who have seen the film. I figured that people don’t really want to listen to someone just describe back to them all the things they liked about a film, and would find it more interesting if I either reviewed movies they had yet to see, or else my opinion of the movie was vastly different from theirs, in which case they could read my arguments for the flip-side of what they thought. That was my plan originally. However, here I am, only 4 reviews in, and I’m reviewing a movie that the critics loved, everyone I know loves, and yes, I also love. So, forgive me if you get bored at any point during this review – I’ll try my best to keep it interesting, and hopefully it’ll be up to scratch.
The reason why I decided to review this movie, rather than one matching my previously mentioned criteria, is that I got a request to review it from a reader. Thrilled that I even have regular readers, I decided that I would fulfil the request, and review one of the best gangster movies of this century: The Departed.
The Departed opens with actual footage of violent disturbances in Boston from the 70s, and this is accompanied by a powerful voice over from Irish Mobster Francis Costello (Jack Nicholson), in which he delivers possibly the best opening lines to a film since DeNiro’s opening voice over in Casino.

“I don’t want to be a product of my environment, I want my environment to be a product of me.”

This one line lets us know exactly what kind of man Costello is. Powerful, determined, and not the kind of guy you want to fuck with. This view of him is confirmed in the very next scene, when he walks into a Diner, and is immediately handed money out of the cash register by the proprietor without having to say a word. It is at this point that we are introduced to Colin Sullivan, a young boy who is eating in the Diner at the time Costello walks in. Costello, having known Sullivan’s late father, has the owners of the Diner collect a bag of groceries for Colin to take home to his grandmother, and offers him a job working for him. When we next see Sullivan, he is sitting in one of Costello’s auto repair shops, listening to Costello as him informs him of his philosophy on organised crime. It is clear that Costello is getting through to Sullivan, and we know the second we flash forward to the present that the older Sullivan, who we see taking the State Police training course, is still loyal to Costello.
It is also during this opening segment that we are introduced to Costello’s right-hand man, Mr. French, in a fantastic scene showing a young Costello shooting an Italian mobster and his wife on the beach. When Costello remarks “huh. she fell funny...” French just looks at him and says “Francis, you really should see somebody”, whilst standing there with an axe, ready to chop up the bodies and dispose of them. This comedic element mixed with a violent scene is very reminiscent of Joe Pesci’s scene’s in Goodfellas, though obviously in the case of The Departed, none of the characters are quite so over-the-top crazy as he is. The scene is shot fantastically, most from a long angle, and sums up the characters of French and Costello perfectly (though, as already mentioned, we could tell what kind of man Costello was the first time he spoke).
In the present, we see Sullivan graduate his police training, and become a member of the Special Investigations Unit of the State Police. At the same time, we are introduced to Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, William Costigan, who is also attempting to become a State Police trooper. After graduating the academy, we see Sullivan being interviewed by the captain of the police department and his staff sergeant, played by Mark Wahlberg. After Sullivan is given the job, we see DiCaprio go into the room after him, ready for his interview.
Moving away from the plot here quickly, I just have to say that Mark Wahlberg’s performance in this film is absolutely fantastic. His very first line comes after Captain Queenan (played by Martin Sheen) compliments Damon, saying “you rise fast”. Instantly, Wahlberg adds “like a twelve year old’s dick”, to which Sullivan is only able to reply “thank you staff sergeant”. This is a fantastic moment, and is just one of Wahlberg’s hilarious lines that comes up throughout the course of the film. The first time I watched the film, I wasn’t too sure about Wahlberg’s character, because in the interview with DiCaprio, when DiCaprio tells him he has an idea of what goes on in their department, Wahberg tells him to say he has no idea what goes on the Department because “if you knew what went on in this department, we would not be good at what we do. We would be Cunts. Are you calling us Cunts?”. At first, I thought this line was unnecessary, as the double use of the word ‘cunt’ in that sentence just seemed gratuitous, and I was worried Scorsese was just attempting to be more edgy by using more bad language (which, for the record, doesn’t work). However, after watching a few of Wahlberg’s scenes, I realised that this quote actually fit the character perfectly, and was not an attempt to put unnecessary swearing in the film, but rather an attempt to capture the character’s entire personality in that one introductory scene, something which (on the rewatch), I believe Scorsese achieved. Wahlberg has a number of brilliant lines throughout the course of the film, and probably delivers more hilarious pieces of dialogue than the rest of the cast combined. Out of these, I would have to say that the one which tops them all has to be when DiCaprio, fearful for his life, calls him in the latter part of the film, telling him he has to talk to Queenan, and Wahlberg just answers “why don’t we meet up, sweetie? I’ll buy you an Ice cream...”
I’m a big fan of Mark Wahlberg (which explains why I dragged my ex to see Max Payne for our second date when it came out. Which in turn explains why I’m now single. I’m so lonely...), and have thought he was great in pretty well every film I’ve seen him in, the main one I would like to mention being Four Brothers. This film is no exception, and he pulls off the character of Staff Sergeant Dignam perfectly. Having not seen “Little Miss Sunshine”, I can’t really comment on whether Wahlberg deserved the Oscar more than Alan Arkin, but I am glad he was nominated because it is truly one of the best performances I’ve seen from him. It’s probably his only role where they’ve tried to tone down his ‘physical tough-guy’ image and given him more of a ‘sarcastic tough-guy’ personality instead. He constantly wears long sleeves to cover the fact that he is actually a lot more muscular than DiCaprio or Damon, and has his hair styled with an extreme side-parting, to give him an almost geeky look (though VKisyourmaster, some random girl on youtube, thinks "His hair is oddly sexy in this movie... "). This suits the character perfectly, and makes his relatively small role in the movie extremely memorable, kind of in the same way that people only tend to remember Pesci’s bits from Goodfellas.
Anyway, back to the plot. Queenan and Dignam both convince Costigan to go undercover, and help them build a case against Frank Costello. Costigan agrees, and when we next see him, he is working out in his prison cell, having been sent to prison in order to help cover the fact that he’s an undercover cop by giving him a convincing story as to why he was kicked out of the police academy. It is at this point that we are given the title sequence, almost twenty minutes into the film, and it is also the first time we hear the theme song ‘Shipping Up to Boston’ by the Dropkick Murphy’s.
The song is just incredible. Powerful, incredibly energetic, and with a real ‘Irish’ quality to it (which, given the film is about Irish mobsters, is definitely a plus). I just want to know how “An Inconvenient Truth” could possibly have won the Oscar for ‘best song’, and The Departed not even be nominated for it. I mean, honestly, have you ever asked someone what the CD they’re playing in their car is, and have them answer “it’s the soundtrack to ‘An Inconvenient Truth’”? No? That’s because it didn’t have a fucking memorable soundtrack! It got the fucking Oscar because the Oscars is all political, and they wanted to award as many as they could to Al Gore’s film, but realised there weren’t many categories it could fit into so said “I know, we’ll just award it best song, no one pays attention to the smaller categories, and it’ll mean they can put ‘the Oscar winning movie’ on the cover”. So, once again I feel the need to say: Fuck the Academy coming straight from the underground / you motherfuckers ain’t got a clue what makes good sound! Seriously, if Dreamgirls or something had won instead, I wouldn’t have given a fuck. At least then I could have told myself “Well, it’s a musical, what do you expect?”. But a fucking documentary by Al Gore? Get the fuck outta here! Oh, and for the record, Mr. Gore – the ice sheets on the antartic (though admittedly, not Artic - but as you said in your film, the Antartic's the important one) are currently the biggest they’ve been since 1979, SO SUCK IT, DUMBASS! (Oh, and also, when you say “the Earth’s temperature is the hottest it’s been in 30 years”, that means it was fucking hotter 30 years ago you moron! Global Warming is a myth, just like Bigfoot, Jesus or the BNP. Trust me.)

EDIT: Sorry for being so retarded here, it has occurred to me since publishing this that Shipping Up to Boston was not written specially for the film, and therefore is not actually elligible for the Oscar nomination. Still, if it had been written for The Departed, it would certainly have deserved to win.

Anyway, yeah – Shipping up to Boston is an awesome track and really gets you pumped up and ready for the rest of the film. I used to listen to it before weightlifting back when I used to work out, and there a few songs that can get you quite as pumped up as this one. In my review of Get Rich or Die Tryin’ I stated that it had one of the best rap theme songs I’ve heard (since 8 mile), and in the same vein, I believe that The Departed has the best Irish Punk theme song ever. Though, having said that – I honestly can’t think of any other movies that use Irish Punk music in their soundtrack. In fact, I can’t even think of any Irish Punk bands other than Dropkick Murphy’s... U2 are punk, right? Or are they Hip-Hop? Whatever... What I’ve saying is: The song is AWESOME.
So, umm... back to the film. Yeah, basically, DiCaprio gets out of prison and starts hanging out with his cousin, Sean, who looks disturbingly similar to Hector from Lake Placid, but isn’t. Anyway, he’s out dealing with his cousin when they run into Mr. French in a bar (who I forgot to mention is played by Ray Winstone, though I’m sure you’ve seen the movie if you’re ready this so know that already. In fact, if you haven’t seen it: STOP READING THIS!!!! THE ENDING IS FUCKING AWESOME AND I’M GOING TO SPOIL IT FOR YOU IF YOU KEEP ON READING, SO STOP!!!!!! Anyway...) who doesn’t seem to think all that much of Sean. Whilst Sean is talking to French and this other dude, DiCaprio goes and buys a cranberry juice from the bar. He happens to be sitting next to some Irish wanker when he (hmm... that’s interesting, apparently Microsoft Word doesn’t think ‘wanker’ is a real word, and suggests I want to say ‘winker’, ‘walker’, ‘swanker’ or ‘wander’ instead. Further proof Americans do not know the best insults (it’s not that it doesn’t accept profanity – cunt and motherfucker don’t have red squiggly lines under them. Nor does the word ‘squiggly’, for that matter. Is squiggly even a word???). What? You thought I typed these straight into my notes on Facebook? Are you crazy? 5000 odd words without a spell checker or a ‘save’ function? Not a chance! Microsoft Word FTW!) orders the drink, who points out that cranberry juice is a natural diuretic (I think... whatever that means...), before asking Leo if he’s on his period (understandable if this were Titanic, but he actually looks kinda hard and manly in this film). Anyway, Leo decides he’s not gonna take that shit, and smashes a glass over the dude’s head. This shot is great, because the camera does not cut from the moment he orders the drink up until we see the glass shatter on the guys head, and we see all the build up in one long take. The breaking glass also looks incredibly realistic, and you get the feeling that DiCaprio may have picked up a real glass instead of the stunt one, and actually glassed the guy. Anyway, DiCaprio starts hitting the guy, and French steps in and throws him off. Leo goes to take his shirt off to show French his ‘guns’ or something, but French stops him, before giving his best piece of dialogue in the film, where he states “there are guys you can hit, and guys you can’t hit. Now that’s not quite a guy you can’t hit, but he’s damn sure near a guy you can’t hit. So I’m gonna make a fucking ruling here: you don’t hit him! Got it?”. This amazing segment of dialogue has infinite applications if altered slightly. For example, guys – you see some douchebag with your ex/sister, you can say: “there are girls you can fuck, and girls you can’t fuck. Now that’s not quite a girl you can’t fuck, but she’s damn sure near a girl you can’t fuck. So I’m gonna make a fucking ruling here: you don’t fuck her! Got it?”. As all guys are inherent fans of The Departed, he’ll love the reference, and leave her alone to watch gangster films with you. As for the ladies, I have no idea how you can alter and apply this line, because I have no idea what you like. Shoes, right? Women like shoes, don’t they? “that’s not quite a pair of shoes you shouldn’t wear...”. Am I on to anything here? Damn it! Why do you have to be so difficult to understand? Why couldn’t you just be men with boobs? Why???????

(N.B. Vaginas as well... you know, before anyone sends me a link of some dude with man boobs (http://www.theredwhisk.com.au/files/page0_blog_entry89_1.jpg)... and without penis’s, before I get my inbox flooded with tranny porn... again (http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2169/1702791143_a23fbb1034.jpg). In fact, ladies – I like you just the way you are. But, you know, you could at least tell us what you want. Am I right guys? ...Guys? Hmm, just me, then...)

Anyway, Winstone owns this scene, and after telling DiCaprio he can’t hit the guy, turns around and beats the shit out of him himself! What a man!
We then get some stuff with Matt Damon being assigned to the Costello task force, and see all manner of fine women checking him out. What I wouldn’t give to be Matt Damon, Geez! The dude’s a Babe magnet! Seriously, he’s like George Clooney and Brad Pitt combined but about 10 years younger. Was he always hot? I don’t remember girls going on about him when The Bourne Identity came out... Do I sound at all gay here? I’m gonna shut up now...
Anyway, Sullivan starts dating this psychiatrist, and she moves in with him. His new girlfriend, however, just happens to be Leo’s court appointed psychiatrist, and this leads to a kind of love triangle forming later in the story. I was kind of annoyed at this first time I saw the movie, to be honest, because after Leo breaks his hand (whoops! Haven’t done that bit yet! Sorry, I’ll do it next), we see a shot of the nurse (or possibly doctor) fixing it in a cast for him, and he looks at her for quite a long time with a kind of longing look on his face. I’ve always been sad that romance never blossomed... My God! I sound so gay today, I have no idea what it is! Maybe it’s cos it’s late and I’m tired? Guys, I’m sorry – I swear, I don’t actually swing that way – I’ll get back to the violent scenes before I say anything too embarrassing. Did I mention I’ve watched the entire series of Pride and Prejudice? and can name all the Bennett daughters???... FUCK!!! Too late...
Anyway, onto violence! Yes, violence! I’m a real man, and I like to see blood in my movies! Yeah! Get some! Proper Geezer, loike!
So, Leo breaks his hand by beating up some Italian dudes who are trying to extort money out of an arab shopkeeper, and the shop (diner?) this occurs in just happens to be the diner we saw at the start of the movie when Costello met Sullivan. Anyway, the Italians are trying to get money off the dude, and Leo beats them up, cos he knows Costello hates Guineas and will no doubt offer him a job as a reward (Guineas as in Italians, not currency or pigs). Leo beats the crap out of them, but breaks his wrist doing so, and goes to the hospital. We’ll skip the next couple of scenes cos I’m a real man and I don’t wanna talk about that soppy bullshit, roight? So then, we see Leo back in the bar where he met French, when Costello walks in and sit next to him. He reveals who he is, then asks DiCaprio to follow him into the back room.
When they get in the back, Costello tells DiCaprio that the Italians are gonna get some guys and some guns, and come back to Southie to kill him. He offers to protect DiCaprio, and offers him a job. DiCaprio accepts his offers, then Costello decides he should make sure he’s not a cop, so gets French to break the cast on his wrist looking for a wire, then starts hitting his hand with a shoe whilst shouting “Are you still a cop?!?” whilst Leo screams “I’m not a fucking cop”, then cries like a sissy. Yeah, I’m all man! Hardcore! Love it! Anyway, Costello and French leave and tell Leo they’ll be in touch. Sullivan finds the bodies of the two Italian Dudes the next day.
We then get into the main part of the film, with DiCaprio slowly getting involved deeper and deeper in gang activities, and Sullivan being promoted and being tasked with finding the rat in the police department (which he is). At some point, Costello finds out there is a rat in his crew, and so tasks Sullivan with finding him, whilst Leo is tasked by the police with finding Costello’s rat in the department (Sullivan). To put it simply – Sullivan has to find DiCaprio, and DiCaprio has to find Sullivan. Cat and mouse chase kinda thing.
Anyway, we get all manner of violent scenes showing Costigan becoming submerged in the lifestyle of the gangsters, and see Mr. French do some fantastic things like shoot a dude in the head whilst using a drinks bottle as a silencer, and strangle his wife with piano wire or something (because beating the shit out of his pregnant wife in Nil By Mouth clearly wasn’t far enough for Ray Winstone...). At the same time, we see the police keep on upping their efforts to catch Costello and find his rat. Including a great scene where the cops are watching Costello’s crew as they go to exchange some micro-processors with some Chinese government guys for a million dollars.
There are a number of things that make this scene great. First off, Alec Baldwin as the captain overseeing the operation. Just before the operation begins, he is nervous and speaking to Matt Damon, who is going to be running identification of Costello’s crew whilst they arrive. Nervous, Baldwin says to him “I’m going for a smoke, you don’t smoke, do you? What are you, one of those fitness freaks? Go fuck yourself!” without leaving any time between questions for Damon to answer. This line is hilarious, and apparently actually reflects the way people in Boston speak, according to some random people on imdb who I can’t be bothered to reference [citation needed].
On top of this, we get a fantastic shot when Damon is sending a text to Costello to warn him not to use his phone during the trade-off because the feds are listening in, and he does this whilst his phone is in his pocket! We see the phone inside the pocket, and him typing the message, and to be honest, it just makes me wish I could do that. It’s freaking awesome!
Add to this the crazy Chinese dude’s angry rant at Costello, and the awesome close-up on French’s revolver as he cocks it behind his back, and you’ve got a brilliant scene.
I do have just one complaint about this scene, however. When Collin is calling Costello to warn him the cops are going to be there (in code), he calls Costello “dad”. Captain Queenan hears him talking on the phone, but does not suspect anything. The thing is, the cops would know that Collin’s father was dead, and as Queenan was the captain, he was sure to know Collin’s personal info. I was kind of surprised when the scene didn’t pay out like this, to be honest:


Colin: (random code talk for ‘the cops are here’)

(Queenan walks over)

Colin: Ok, I’ll see you later. Ok, pa! Bye. (hangs up)

Queenan: Was that your father?

Colin: Yeah, that was my dad.

Queenan: The same dad that died in 1979, you mean?

Colin: Oh, fuck!

Dignam: I knew it! He’s the fucking rat! (various jokes about Sullivan’s sister)


But maybe I’m just reading into it too much. After all, I doubt the captains can remember everything about every cop under them, right?
Anyway, Costello and his boys get away again thanks to the cop who was setting up the AV surveillance screwing up, and it’s back to square one. Costello keeps on going, and Leo keeps on trying to stop him. We get more action scenes, and some love scenes between both Matt Damon and the psychiatrist, and DiCaprio and the same Psychiatrist, cos she is a bit of a prozzie, innit? Anyway, soon after Costello is getting really annoyed at having a rat in his crew, so asks Colin to deal with him. Colin asks for Costello to give him all his main guys’ names and details, and the result of this is Leo having to give his info up to be searched. Knowing he is the rat, Leo isn’t too keen to stick around, and tries to get away at this point. Unfortunately, Costello takes Leo’s leaving as a sign that he was the rat, and has French bring him to a restaurant to meet him for a heart-to-heart.
The confrontation we get at this point is absolutely amazing. Nicholson does a hilarious rat impression, pretending to be gnawing the air. His laughter at the start when he sees Leo also builds the tension, because it’s the exact same kind of laughter we’ve heard in Goodfellas and The Sopranos just before someone gets whacked. The kind of “I’m gonna whack you, you fucking rat and you don’t even know it yet!” laugh. But when the questions start to get tough, and Costello starts grilling him, Leo keeps his cool, and manages to convince Costello not to kill him. Costello leaves, and Leo is left alive, and no doubt amazed he managed to talk his way out of that one.
Soon after, Leo decides he wants out and asks Queenan to meet him. Sullivan, however, has put a tail on Queenan, and this leads Sullivan’s boys right to the building where Leo is hiding. Sullivan calls Costello, who sends his boys to kill the rat. On their way, one of the guys calls Leo and tells him to meet him at the building he’s in, because they’ve heard the rat’s there. Queenan tells Leo to get out of there, and he runs down the fire escape. Costello’s boys burst in and throw Queenan out the window, just as Costigan gets out the building. As Costello’s boys leave, they see Leo in the street and assume he just got there, responding to the call. Leo gets in the van with them, but before they can drive off, the cops Sullivan had tailing Queenan open fire on Costello’s boys, fatally wounding one.
Back at Costello’s bar, the wounded man reveals to Leo that he is a cop, and knows that Leo is as well, before dying from his gunshot wound. Leo leaves the bar, realizing that he got two cops killed that day, but knowing that this means no one will suspect him of being the rat any longer. Meanwhile, at the police station, Dignam’s pissed off that Sullivan had Queenan tailed, and claims this led to his death. The two of them punch it out, but are pulled apart before it gets really nasty. The captain (Baldwin) sends Dignam on a 2 week leave of absence, and Sullivan takes over Queenan’s operation.
At this point, Leo calls Sullivan, who reveals he has taken over the operation. Leo seems wary of him, but at the same time seems to think he can trust him. Leo gets ready to go on the final big operation with Costello, and plans to call in the location so the cops can go bust him. At the same time Sullivan, who was planning on using his new position to discover who the rat was for Costello, finds out through reading Queenan’s files that Costello was an FBI informant, and was giving his own people up to avoid prosecution himself. Sullivan decides he doesn’t want to hang around until he is sold out to the FBI, and decides to go with the plan as Leo wants. He takes a unit of cops down to the shipyard where the deal is going down, and at this point we get the biggest shootout of the movie as Costello and his boys try to escape, and the cops try to stop him.
There are some great shots in this scene, with all of the deaths being incredibly dramatic. Scorsese freezes the action at a number of points for only half a second at a time when guns are fired and when people are hit, and this is a really cool effect. Ray Winstone also crashes his car, and shoots himself in the head before it blows up. Seriously, this scene is awesome – one of those great shootouts you know you’ll remember. Not quite True Romance, but still right up there. Anyway, at the end of the scene, Matt Damon confronts Costello in the back of the building and asks him if it’s true he’s an FBI informant. Costello admits he is, and Damon shoots him a whole load of times. He then tells the rest of the cops that he’s got Costello.
At this point, the film feels like it’s kind of wrapping up. Costello’s dead, Costigan has revealed himself as the informer and is back at police HQ, and Sullivan is a hero. It feels like the movie is going to end here, but it doesn’t. Costigan discovers that Sullivan is the rat when he sees the envelope which had contained all of Costello’s gang’s contact details lying on his desk, and quickly leaves the police station rather than confront him. I thought this was kind of odd when I first watched this, because I felt it would have made more sense if Costigan had just run into the corridor and screamed “Sullivan’s the rat! Arrest that mother fucker!”. However, I now realize that without any evidence, it was Costigan’s word against Sullivan’s, and who would the cops believe? A well liked and respected sergeant, or some nobody trooper who’s just spent well over a year living with a bunch of criminal psychopaths? No, seriously – I’m asking: who would they believe in that situation? I have no idea...
Anyway, at this point, Sullivan realizes what’s going on and deletes Costigan’s file, so there is no evidence he was ever a cop. Thinking he’s solved his problem, Sullivan goes home, and tries to carry on living his new, normal life. His girlfriend tells him she’s pregnant, and he is overjoyed. She neglects to tell him there is a real possibility it could be Costigan’s child, however, as we all know Matt Damon has trouble getting it up (in the movie, that is, dunno about in real life...). Which reminds me, actually - just before we get the love scee before DCaprio' character and Matt Damon's girlfriend, he is standing in her house and says "you don't have any cats... I like that", and all of a sudden she's all over him! Since when has a dislike of cats been sexy? Girls, would you think that was an impressive pick up line if some guy said it to you? If so, that definately expains where i've been going wrong all these years... I love cats!
So anyway, back to the story... Sullivan goes on living his life, all happy and well. Unfortunately for him, however, Costigan has been sent tapes by Costello’s lawyer of a number of recordings of conversations between Costello and Sullivan, which prove he was the rat. Sullivan agrees to meet Costigan in order to get the tapes back, but when he arrives, Costigan beats him up and arrests him. And I’m sorry, but I can’t say what the ending is! I just can’t – just in case there’s someone reading this who hasn’t seen it. But let me just say – it is one of the most shocking endings I have ever seen, and I couldn’t believe it when it happened. I literally jumped right out of my seat like “what the fuck!?!?!” at the end of the elevator scene – having assumed that Costigan’s plan had been to get Sullivan to confess to being the rat and record the confession on a secret wire. But no! The actual ending was so much better than I expected, and remains to this day one of my favourite endings!
Just before I sum up, I wanted to comment on the frequent use of X’s in the film. You see, there are very often X’s dotted around in scenes, either girders crossing, light shining on the wall, or tape across windows. Apparently, this is a reference to the original “Scarface” from the 30s, which showed an X on screen whenever someone dies. I think it’s a pretty cool touch, and love how the X’s only appear near characters who die in the movie (which is most of them, to be fair). Although, I would like to add: Why bother? Yeah, it’s cool when you know what it’s about, but come on, it didn’t really add to the movie and it must have been SO much effort to do! I would have left it out myself... But still, it’s cool.
So, that’s the film. Now for just a couple of criticisms: firstly, the rat at the end. Too obviously CGI, and unnecessary. Yeah, I get the movie was all about rats, but you didn’t need to actually show one! As for the CGI thing, that annoyed me, cos it means the very last thing you see looks fake. However, I have since discovered (courtesy of imdb) that the background we see out the window was added by green screen anyway, so even without the rat we would have ended on an effects shot. Still, the background looks like it’s really there. The rat doesn’t.
Second, I haven’t seen infernal affairs, but I’ve heard that it’s completely identical to it in terms of the plot, so I guess in terms of the film industry, the ending isn’t actually quite as dramatic as I thought, simply because it’s been done before.
And lastly, and this is just a small point, I felt the scenes with Costello and the black hooker didn’t really fit in too well, because I got the impression that Costello wasn’t comfortable with anyone but the Irish, insulting the blacks and the Italians at the start of the film, and at various other points. I felt that if they had just used an Irish girl instead it would have fitted in better with the character. As I said, just a minor detail but it mattered to me.
Also, anyone know if Costigan had that tattoo on his chest the whole time, or just got it put on when he went to prison? I was wondering about it when I saw it, like “isn’t he meant to be upper-middle class? Isn’t that what ‘lace-curtained’ means? Why does he have that tattoo? Did he just get that in prison, or did he have it all along?”. Also, are the hats a way of showing gang affiliation like they are in LA? Just wondering, cos Leo sure does love his baseball cap. That’s more of a black thing though, I guess. Not Irish... Although having said that, they use football shirts in Dublin to signify gang membership. Celtic for Catholics and Rangers for Protestants, I think...
So, that’s my review of the movie. To sum up: Killer plot, great acting, superb direction and Marky Mark. What more could you want?


Rating:

****

4/5

Absolutely awesome movie – just a couple of minor flaws here and there but otherwise near perfect. Still not quite Goodfellas, though. The back of the box gives us a quote from the Daily Mirror claiming it’s “Scorsese’s best film since Goodfellas”, and I’ve got to agree – although it’s a close tie with Casino, which is also fucking awesome. Wahlberg sways it, though. Legend.

P.S. I realize that I have neglected to include even a single relevant YouTube video in this review, so please accept this with my apologies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s60Yb8RlT3A&feature=related (umm... fellas, you probably don’t want to watch it – more for the ladies... you can watch this one instead: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5D6lz4118hs (Ladies, you probably don't wanna watch this one...))

EDIT: I know what a diuretic is now, so please don't leave comments explaining this, and especially don't leave any videos! Thanks.