OMG! CELEBRITY GOSSIP! (Text)

Time for some silliness...



You know an article that begins “not to sound too much like Perez Hilton” is going to be terrible, unless the first paragraph also includes the caveat that you are, in fact, aware the opening line of your article makes it sound like it’s going to be shit, and thus indicates that this opening is merely an amusing comment designed to highlight the ridiculousness of the subject matter of the article, and indicate that you’re aware of how dumb it is, and are writing the article ironically. Unfortunately, I am not intelligent enough to have written such an article…


Upstaged by THIS fucking guy...


I did want to do a politics article originally, but could only come up with one line:

“Ed Milliband or David Milliband? I’d rather have Steve Miller Band…” (3 Hours of writing!!!)




So, in my desperation, I turned to Thursday’s copy of “Metro”, and discovered that Miley Cyrus is now dating Justin Bieber. I also read something about a serial killer in Yorkshire, but since I already agreed to have dinner with Peter Sutcliffe when he gets out of jail, I thought I’d best not write an article about one of his competitors… Who I have dubbed “Pepsi Sutcliffe” – on the assumption that Peter Sutcliffe is the Coca-Cola of Yorkshire-based serial killing.


"Welcome to the CHOKE side of life". See what I did there? I replaced 'Coke' with 'Choke' because he strangled prostitutes. Has it been long enough for this to be funny yet, or is that still sick?


I also considered writing about the whole “Lost” and “Flashforward” finishing this week thing, but since I don’t watch Lost, and Flashforward won’t be shown in the UK until Monday, I figured I might as well wait on that one. Except to say:


You guys remember when I was complaining about how retarded Flashforward is at times? Turns out it was written by the same guy as The Dark Knight. Finally! It all makes sense...




And so here we are, reporting on the fact that Cyrus and Bieber are now dating. But don’t worry, dear reader, I won’t squeal about this in the same way as the Tweeny mags. No, instead, I’m gonna insult the fuck out of some douchebags! Who’s with me?


"YEEEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!"


In the article, Miley reveals that she has not broken up with her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth, but is instead dating both guys. Apparently Hemsworth is too much of a pussy to tell her it’s over, then sneak into her house whilst she’s asleep and strangle her sister to death with a piece of electrical cable as revenge, and get away with it when the sister’s boyfriend is imprisoned in your place because the “forensic evidence” points to him having committed the crime – and Juries are too stupid to realize that:

1. Presence of your semen at a crime scene does not guarantee you committed the crime.

2. Lack of presence of your semen at a crime scene does not guarantee you definitely did not commit the crime.

But enough about my life. I couldn’t help but laugh at the story – I mean, Hemsworth looks like he’s probably a douche, but on a scale of douchiness, he’s nowhere near as bad as Justin Bieber! Here’s a helpful scale of Douche-factor, just in case you have no idea what I mean when I say “Douchy”:


The Scale of Doucheness:




Having his girlfriend start dating Bieber, and just push him to second place without dumping him is so incredibly pathetic that I actually feel genuinely sorry for the guy. We can only hope he got a chance to tap that sweet pussy before it was too late!


Leaked image of Miley Cyrus. Probably. Oh, what do you care if it's real or not, paedo? I know you're going to jerk off over it anyway!



In light of this, I decided I would write an article on the most pathetically tragic things that can happen to a guy short of his girlfriend hooking up with Justin Bieber and not even having the common decency to break up with him. Here goes:


SCENARIO ONE

You’re in a happy same-sex relationship with your rich Japanese boyfriend. Then one day he tells you it’s over: He’s marrying his pillow. Fuck that guy.





SCENARIO TWO

You’re approaching your 2 year anniversary with your girlfriend, who is away at University. You’re aware she may well tell you when you meet that she’s become a lesbian, or something similar, and you prepare yourself for this. She tells you she’s decided to join your father’s cult, in which he is the Messiah and all the women in the cult must bear his children. Fuck that guy.






SCENARIO THREE

You and your girlfriend go to the zoo to look at Chimpanzees. You make a joke about something I said in my incredible “Avatar” article, and she decides to actually try dating a monkey. The two of them are married within 9 months. They send you an invitation to the wedding, but you drink yourself to death trying to drown your sorrows. The bar tender has your body stuffed and put on display “for tax purposes”. Fuck that guy.






SCENARIO FOUR

Your wife calls you and tells you she’s been cheating on you with the guy who originally played Ronald MacDonald in the TV adverts. This causes you to crash your car, which you were driving at the time, into MacDonald’s HQ. You kill the Hamburgler, and are sentenced to 14 years for involuntary manslaughter. You only serve six, but are raped by The Burger King in the showers, as he is also doing time for wanking in the Burger King milkshakes. Fuck that guy.






SCENARIO FIVE

You admit to your girlfriend you’re into “rape fantasies” and she tells you “you might get a surprise for our anniversary”. Predictably, she puts the details of the hotel the two of you are staying at on Craigslist, and 4 Navy Boys come round and take it in turns to plug your booty hole. After they leave, you go into a catatonic state and have to be taken to hospital for mental health treatment. Your girlfriend runs away with your psychiatrist. Fuck that guy.






SCENARIO SIX

You are a devout Christian, and decide not to have sex before marrying. You meet a great girl, and the two of you really hit it off. 3 years later, the two of you get married. It is the happiest day of your life. You go to Paris for your honeymoon, and you tear her dress off on the bed. She has a penis. You throw up all over her shoes, and she calls security who, being French, throw you out into the street. A homeless Frenchman mugs you for your passport and wallet, and you’re left stranded in France. You go to the British embassy, who inform you that you need €80 for a new passport. You make this money by blowing everyone in the customs office for €5 a pop. When you finally get back to the UK, you discover your wife is now famous as a Big Brother contestant, and tells the whole country on live TV that you are a virgin and were too scared to fuck her. It turns out she just had a really big clit that looked like a small dick, because you’re so used to seeing your own small dick you don’t realize they’re usually bigger. You slit your wrists in the bathtub, and drift away softly, listening to Leonard Cohen. You realize too late that this is actually a mix CD your brother made, and you die to the sounds of “That’s the way I like it” by KC and the sunshine band. David Cameron personally attends your funeral, and points out that your suit is a size too small for you. He eats the entire buffet by himself, and snatches your mother’s purse. Fuck that guy.






SCENARIO SEVEN

Your Stepdaughter finds out that you called her father late the night he committed suicide and *ALLEGEDLY* pushed him into doing it. Fuck you Bob Geldof.






Nope, it can’t be done. No matter how you cut it, there is nothing worse than having your girlfriend run off with Justin Bieber. You may as well hang yourself with your underwear, Hemsworth. Or become a serial killer and claim that Miley drive you to it – you may get your name on the poster of a decent movie then – not that it will be made until after your execution, of course…



…aaaand we’re back to Serial Killers! You’re right, Pepsi Sutcliffe – I can’t seem to get you off my mind!




Voice


I suppose I should clarify, since I've just taken what is hopefully the last exam of my law degree, that all celebrity names are used in a parodying and ficticious manner. Nothing said in this article can be verified, other than the fact that Peter Sutcliffe probably killed some prostitutes once, and that Japanese people are weird. Any images used on the Blog which you find offensive are only used for comedic purposes, and I apologise for any offence caused by my posting such an inappropriate image as Bob Geldoff's face. Please don't sue me - if you do, it might just make me more popular, and you wouldn't want that, would you?

Thoughts on Avatar (sort of possibly a review if you have a very loose definition of the word "review". More sort of rambling...) - Text.

Racism, Rape, Suicide.

3 of the funniest words in the English language – but why did Avatar make me think of these things? And why is it that, in a film in which (people tell me) the environmental message about why we should care for nature is the over-riding feature, were these 3 points the only ones that really stayed with me? Maybe they were the over-reaching features (Land Law joke. Don’t worry, it’s shit even if you do get it...), but I still want to know why they were so obvious to me, when no one else seems to have spotted them. Or, at least, not obsessed over them as the key points in the film as I have. Am I a sociopath? Probably. Is that the reason I noticed these things? Possibly. Have I set the record for the most questions in a single paragraph on this Blog? I’m not sure. What I can tell you is this: as a study of how the mind of a maniac works, this entry should be good reading. As a movie review... well...




The first thing I want to look at is the rape sequence, because this was so obvious to me on the screen that I can’t believe no-one else has brought it up! And before anyone says that I’m probably just reading way too much into the movie, and that this wasn’t some hidden subtext in there, I would like to point out that I watched “Get Carter” from start to finish without even realizing Carter’s “niece” is actually his daughter – so yeah, nowhere near being a film buff. This is why I was surprised that no-one else seems to have noticed or mentioned this scene, except the one guy who clicked “like” on my Facebook status relating to it.



Though to be fair, he could just as easily be liking that status because he’s a fan of Vin Diesel or getting graphically murdered with crowbars… First one’s more likely.


The scene I am referring to, of course, is the scene in which Sully tries to catch a dragon monster to fly on, and has to attach his weird hair extension thingy to the dragon, against it’s will. Now, whilst the smart-asses amongst you will point out that, under Section 1 of the Sexual offences Act 2003:

A person (A) commits [rape] if:
(a) he intentionally penetrates the vagina, anus or mouth of another person (B) with his penis,
(b) B does not consent to the penetration, and
(c) A does not reasonably believe that B consents.

...and therefore Sully is not raping the dragon because he is not using his penis, I would like to point out that the weird thing on Sully’s head is used in reproduction (when he’s boning that Alien chick – more on that later), and if I had something that looks like that forcibly shoved in my arse, I would shout rape without concerning myself with semantics. Even if it isn’t rape, that certainly appears to be a serious sexual assault – and there is clearly no consent on the dragon’s part. What’s more – there is no way that Sully reasonably believes the dragon is consenting. The dragon quite clearly tries to fight Sully off, and even fly away, but he forces himself on the dragon, and shoves his thing in it’s receiving port. That’s “rape-rape”, even by Whoopie Goldberg’s standards! Or maybe not, given she doesn’t think anally penetrating 13 year olds without their consent is “rape-rape” (But bitching about the Polanski case is Sooooo last season!). I mean, the only way I could understand it is if the dragon had been dressed like a slut, and was sleeping with every dude at that party, and Sully had been kind of drunk at the time, and his mate Dan told him that she got off from pretending guys were raping her and would enjoy it. THEN I could understand it... Wait, scratch that. Don’t know where that came from...


Just kidding, people! This was actually from when I got arrested for not being able to do a basic Photoshop, and using Paint instead!


But as it stands, there is no way Sully thought that dragon was consenting. That makes it Dragon rape. Not cool, Sully. Regular rape will get you a beating in prison; child molesters get cut up, or even have their balls cut off. Imagine where a dragon raper lies on that scale! And yes, I know it’s “rapist”. And yes, I know I started the last 2 sentences with a preposition, but Fuck you - Grammar and Vocab ain't important, Bruv! After all, even Dappy got an A* in English...




The next point I wanted to discuss is the bestiality featured in the film that isn’t man-on-dragon action. In the story, Sully goes to this alien world, and takes control of a body that looks like one of the aliens, and then proceeds to bone Neytiri, one of the aliens, right?


At what point does that become weird?


I mean, I get she’s a humanoid, but she’s still 9 feet tall and Blue with cat eyes. Even a monkey’s closer to a human than the Na’vi are, and you wouldn’t have sex with a monkey, would you?




It then occurred to me that, a couple of hundred years ago when the British had invaded and colonised most of Africa, we probably thought the exact same thing about black women. In fact, I’ve heard the term “monkey” used as a racist insult against black people, and this presumably arose because the first white people to see black people actually thought they were a type of monkey (But what’s funnier is trying to figure out what was going through the head of the first black guy to see a white man. He’d be like “Oh, shit! What the fuck is that? It looks like a person, but it’s got weird skin and blue eyes! Blue eyes! Is it diseased? I should go find a doctor... not even animals have Blue eyes. FREEEEAAAAKKKYYYYYY!!!!!!”). So, by saying that humans shouldn’t breed with creatures from another planet that look kind of like us but with different colour skin, am I also saying that white people and black people shouldn’t mix? Of course not. But then, why shouldn’t Sully totally bone that Na’vi chick? I mean, why don’t we have sex with monkeys? Why am I not dating a chimp right now?


Damn chimps, always stealing our white Tigers!

I suspect the reason is that we can’t understand them, and they don’t have the same level of intelligence as us. So, doing a smart alien chick that can speak English should be completely fine, right? I mean, if Chimps were as smart as humans, and could speak English, is there any reason we wouldn’t be having sex with them right now?



Well yeah, there is that - we just find human females a lot hotter. Now. But think about it – a hundred years ago, Kelis would have been considered unattractive:



Actually, I just wanted an excuse to post a link to that song. I would have put it in even if the ugliest woman in the world was singing it...

But the intelligence thing also bugs me – because it’s kind of saying “people with special needs should not be loved by humans”. So maybe my theory needs a little more work? Just like how in the Scarface game Tony says “You fucked a 16 year-old crippled bitch? Hey man, I don’t need that shit in my life!” and I thought “well, he didn’t say raped, he just said fucked. What’s wrong with having consensual sex with a 16 year old girl who happens to be handicapped?”. But whatever...




The final thing that Avatar made me think about was suicide. Not because it was so bad that I wanted to kill myself – but because I realised that if I had a body I was in full control of, and felt everything that body did, but knew I would just wake up in my own body if that body died, I totally would have jumped off that massive floating mountain just to experience what falling to certain death would feel like. I’d even put an iPod on my avatar, and listen to Tom Petty’s “Free Falling” as I did (the only way to fall to your death, in my opinion). But maybe that’s just me? That’s something I liked about Groundhog day – if you realised you couldn’t die, you would just do all sorts of things that should kill you. You know, for teh lulz of it.


But insanity out the way – I want to wrap this up with some proper review-type stuff.


Story: has been done a thousand times before, but then again so have most stories. And hell, Chaucer plagiarised most of his Canterbury Tales from other sources, and Shakespeare stole half of what he wrote, so not really a problem there. Sure, it’s exactly the same as The Last Samurai, which was exactly the same as Pocahontas, which was exactly the same as Dances with Wolves, but whatever. It’s cool – as long as people don’t go own about how original and unique it is, I don’t care.

Production Value: The animation I thought was really well done – better than the trailers would have had me believe, and it felt more like watching a live action film than watching an animation for the most part (I watched it in 2D). There were a couple of dodgy bits, but nothing too major. Generally, it was really well done.

Acting: Fairly standard here. I’ve heard a lot of people complain that the Colonel was really over-acting (“chewing the scenery”), but to be honest, Army and Marine Colonels often are that crazy – and the dude fit the role perfectly. It’s amazing how much emotion the Avatars had, too – but that should probably be in the above paragraph.

Quirks: Why was Michelle Rodriguez playing Linda Hamilton playing Sarah Conner in this film? Damn it, Jim! This is Avatar, not Terminator! Stop modelling characters on your ex-wives! We’re lucky Sigourney Weaver didn’t suddenly start shooting a movie about a cop infiltrating a group of Bank Robbing Surfers halfway through the film.

Besides, Sarah Connor wasn't even Linda Hamilton's best role:

Now THAT is what I'm talking about!

And... that’s about it, really. Familiar story – some cool effects, but nothing that has you saying “Oh my God! That was incredible!”, and that’s pretty much it. Decent movie to watch, but nothing ground breaking (I suppose the CGI is, but as far as I’m concerned, it looks real or it doesn’t. Nothing else to it. Then again, I’m not so big on these “effects movies” like 2012 or Transformers or whatever, and haven’t bothered to see any of the recent ones). Probably doesn’t deserve it’s rating on IMDB, but then neither do half the movies in the top 250 list (The Dark Knight is the 10th greatest film of all time? Fuck off!)


Rating:


This one’s so God damn tough, because I want to give it 50%, completely average – but I promised myself I wouldn’t do that because I give too many movies 5/10. Hence the 5 star rating system I adopt the rest of the time (Saw 6 is another I wanted to give 2 and a half). I suppose given how familiar and clichéd the storyline is, I should really go lower on this one, but at the same time, it’s far better than The Dark Knight, which I also gave 2 stars. So, just this once, I’m going to do it. I’m actually going to award 2 and a half stars to a movie! Putting this film squarely between “The Hurt Locker” and “Get Rich or Die Tryin’” in my books. That sounds about right.




2.5 / 5



I don't know if the 3D makes it any better... but I doubt it.


Voice

Science Corner - The Love Drug (Text)

It occurred to me today that when people refer to love as being a drug, they’re probably not altogether wrong. Obviously I don’t mean love in the context of “Man, I LOVE Rammstein!” or “I love muffins”; but in the context of being in love with someone, I suspect that love acts exactly like a drug does.



I was watching a show a while back about the link between dogs and humans, and at one point they were explaining why you get such a good feeling when you stroke your dog. Apparently, stroking your dog (as in actually stroking a pet canine – that’s not a euphemism. Although, thinking about it – this probably applies to THAT as well…) releases chemicals (endorphins?) in your brain, which cause you to feel happy. More interestingly, it also has the exact same effect on the dog. That’s why dogs seem to love being stroked – it makes them produce chemicals that make them happy. It also explains why only grumpy dogs snarl at you if you try to stroke them.

Naturally, I figured this is probably what happens with humans. When we feel connected to them, we feel happy when we’re around them – and the obvious explanation for this is that, when we acknowledge that someone is important to us, being around them releases these same chemicals into our brains, making us happy. This is what love is made of.

But then this got me thinking – does that mean that if I’m in love with someone I’m actually just addicted to the chemical feeling I get from being with them, and the identity of the person in question is irrelevant, just so long as they get me high? The obvious answer to this is, of course, “yes”.



This again made me wonder – does that mean that every loving relationship we are involved in is essentially the same as the relationship between a Heroin addict and a dealer? And I found this amusing enough to want to argue my case. So, here we go…

Obviously, those who believe in “true love” are not going to see things in this way, and nor are those who see love as being a very spiritual or religious experience. But, being a grumpy, relatively young, not particularly religious person, I think this analogy makes perfect sense, and shall use case studies to back up my theory that BEING IN LOVE IS LIKE USING HEROIN!


Which explains why Russell Brand only decided to settle down after he quit using actual Heroin...

You know how sex feels great, but when you compare it to love, it actually feels like crap (I know, it seems weird even typing it – I’m 21 for God’s sake!)? Like how when you’re in a loving relationship you can’t believe there are guys out there who only use women for sex, and don’t bother to stay with them and really get to know and love them? That’s because sex is producing a different chemical that, whilst very powerful when you are actually taking it, has almost no lasting effects, and the high ends very quickly. In my analogy, therefore, sex is Crack. Now, those who are into mixing things up a bit will tell you that Crack and Heroin are perfect partners (I’m pretty well just working from what Russell Brand says in “My Bookie Wook” here, so if your own personal experience varies – compare that to your views on love and sex, and see if your drug and love preferences match. If they don’t – tell me! I’ll look into it…), because Heroin has such an amazing high, but is depressive in nature, and pretty well knocks you out, but smoking Crack after you’ve done heroin is the perfect way to keep that high, and stay buzzing. This applies to love too, when you think about it.

Sure, Crack is great, but the high doesn’t last long. And Heroin is amazing – the best high ever – but boy, you just can’t do ANYTHING whilst you’re on heroin, unless you have some crack to pick you up. Now read that back substituting “Crack” for “sex” and “heroin” for “love”. And yes, I do realize I just told you to trade crack for sex in that last sentence.


Just an average Friday night for some...

Now, some guys prefer crack, and I’m cool with that. But I’ve always been more of a heroin man, myself. Possibly because the first time I did Crack was with a girl I later took Heroin with, and I realised that the high got so much better when I combined the Crack with Heroin that I never wanted to do Crack without Heroin again. But thinking about it – if you’ve only ever done crack, and never tried Heroin; you wouldn’t know what you were missing, so wouldn’t care that you weren’t experiencing what Heroin was like, right? I mean, I remember the night when I first did Crack, and it was amazing! One of those things you’ll never forget. And I can easily imagine myself cruising for Crack, looking to get my hit however possible, and feeling like king of the world – if I had never tried Heroin.



Unfortunately, I did try Heroin. And I got hooked.



This is great whilst you’ve got a supplier who can give you all the heroin you need, but turns into a nightmare when your supplier stops selling you Heroin, and leaves town. The exact same is true with love. If the person you love tells you that they’re not in love with you any more, and that they don’t want to see you any more, you feel like crap. You have actual withdrawal symptoms! Think about it – How many of you have had your hearts broken and found yourself just curled up in a ball in bed, or spent hours in the shower, not being able to think about anything else, or operate properly. Maybe you couldn’t get out of bed all day, or maybe you cried? Hell, you may have been physically sick. These are withdrawal symptoms, all right – but not withdrawal from the person you loved (or thought you loved, as you’re now saying), but rather from the chemical effect that you associate with that person. The thing is – most people can’t differentiate between the two. Your dealer leaves town and suddenly you feel really ill and depressed? Maybe you do miss the dealer – but you know as well as I do those effects are more to do with the fact you’ve lost your heroin supply!

And think about “The rebound”. We’ve all been there – you’re in a long-term relationship which breaks down, and straight after get into another relationship. This is exactly the same as you would expect from a heroin addict who just lost their supplier. You go out, and find a new supplier as quickly as you can – so you don’t lose the feeling that heroin gives you. For the lucky few, this new supplier will bring in an even stronger product, and you won’t even miss your old supplier. But for most of us, we have to cope with weaker strength Heroin when we switch suppliers, and at times find ourselves wondering whether there’s any Heroin in there at all, or has it been cut so much that there really isn’t any Heroin in this syringe, just baking soda?

The Crack, too, tends to decline. I mean, you still smoke Crack with your new supplier. Hell, you might even smoke more. But it’s not the same. You’re too used to smoking Crack with Heroin, and now Crack on its own just won’t do. What’s more – it’s not even as good as the Crack you remember your old dealer giving you. You wish you could just go back – if you hadn’t smoked your old dealer’s crack, you’d probably be loving this new supplier’s Crack! But it doesn’t work like that. So you’re stuck, with a poor Heroin substitute, and low strength Crack, until eventually, that supplier leaves town as well. Or maybe you leave town this time, hoping there’ll be some good quality Heroin elsewhere. But in the new town you move to, you don’t know any good suppliers, so have to ask around, starting with the weaker drugs first.




Dating is like Cannabis – compared to Heroin, it’s very easy to get your hands on, and although ideally will lead on to Crack, or even Heroin, you know there’s no certainty that a weed dealer will also be a Heroin supplier. The more Cannabis you do, there more you get used to spotting what a potential dealer looks like as well, and the better you get at this, the more chance you know you have of getting Crack, or even Heroin, off a dealer when you meet them. But for now, you figure you’ll buy weed off them for a while, then hope they ask you if you want some Crack soon enough. And who knows, you may get that Heroin after all.

Some guys can just get Crack without asking for Cannabis first, but for the most part, we like getting comfortable buying weed off our dealers before we ask if they have any Crack, just in case they’re a Narc, and because it’s a bit rude to jump straight to Crack… After all, most of us started on weed, and know that it’s a respectable drug to ask for when you first meet a dealer – it doesn’t sound as forceful and dirty as asking them if they’ve got any Crack they can give you. Though, obviously, what you ask the dealer for will vary on circumstance. If someone has a reputation as a crack dealer, you’re obviously going to be more inclined to ask for Crack without bothering with the weed, or at least ask for Crack on the same night as you buy the weed off them. But what’s interesting is the difference in the highs. Some people find Crack superior, because the high it delivers is so much stronger; whilst others prefer the weed, because it’s closer in effect to the Heroin, and you feel that smoking weed helps you get by between hits of Heroin far more easily that smoking Crack does.



But what happens when a weed dealer leaves? Some people aren’t really concerned; after all, weed dealers are a dime a dozen, and there are plenty more fish in the sea. But some of us find that line of thinking hard – especially when your old weed dealer starts selling crack, or even heroin, to some Douchebag you know is just going to wind up doing a rip and run on them, or going to the Narcs. This makes us angry – because if they’d dealt exclusively with us, we assure ourselves that we would never be tempted to rip them off, and especially wouldn’t seek out other Crack dealers whilst leeching their Heroin supply like a worthless prick. But we forget one thing – if she gave that douchefag crack so soon after giving him weed, maybe you didn’t want to wait and see if her Heroin is any good, because the kind of dealer who associates with that kind of guy isn’t the type of dealer you can buy Heroin from for the rest of your life. And even if her Heroin was good, are you really going to buy Heroin off a dealer with so little self respect they’re practically giving Crack away in the hopes someone will hook them up with a Heroin supply? I don’t think so! So I’ll stick with my weed for now, despite the fact that I haven’t had Heroin in quite some time now, and despite the fact that, although having had Crack more recently (though not THAT recently) I still crave it somewhat; because I know when the right dealer comes along, I’ll get all the Crack and Heroin I could want, and I’ll love it!


Until she leaves town as well…






Voice

Helping out my Fellow Bloggers (Text Review)

Those of you familiar with the Blog will be aware that, on occasion, I have advertised my Uncle Michael's excellent Blog; Song of the Kingdom. Which is great. However, I realised that there is one minor problem with this: Michael uses a Wordpress Blog, not a Blogger account - and if I want to make friends online, I have to associate with my own people!

I therefore decided to click the "Next Blog" button at the top of the screen, and just review whatever Blog came up! What could possibly go wrong? After all, this is Blogger, not 4Chan! There won't be any goat porn, there won't be the "Virgin Killers" album cover, there won't be any Hentai - Blogger is filled with normal, decent people, just like me. So, with that in mind, let's get stuck into "Mojangled", the Blog run by female Texan banker, Mo.


Ok... wow. Seriously? That's just unlucky. Not only is she from one of the most hated States in America (I personally have nothing against Texans, but then I like shooting stuff for the hell of it, so I fit right in), but she's also a BANKER? Ouch. I'm gonna have a law degree in about 2 months time, but next to bankers, lawyers are like puppies - cute and harmless, but will still piss all over you if they get the chance. But let's not judge a book by it's cover - a man should not be judged by the colour of his skin, but by the manner in which he lives his life. Or something. I think Lincoln or someone said that... Or was it Jesus? Whatever, I'm sure he was baked, whoever he was...



Anyway, I started reading Mo's most recent post, a Blog entry called "Write that Down", in which she shows us a picture that she took of an unsuspecting victim in an airport, then proceeds to judge him entirely on his appearance - as you would expect from a banker (or even a lawyer - thinking PATRICK BATEMAN, people! Those playing the Game at home, congratulations, I just made you think about it. Those playing the Patrick Bateman drinking game on my Blog - that's twice in one bracketed paragraph - 2 tequilas and a gram of cocaine!).

Now, I'm all for taking pictures of unsuspecting victims and then pouring over them on your computer (if you're a serial killer). Hell, I've even done it myself!


Damn, I could stalk her all afternoon, but I have to test the chainsaw before 4 o'clock, so I've got time to return it if it doesn't cut through flesh as smoothly as it should...


And this case is no exception. I mean, just look at the guy!



Mo quickly points out the man's shortcomings with such a sharp eye and razor tongue you'd be sure you were watching Trap Door if it was still on (which I wish it was! Oh God! I wish it was...). Mo points out:

"Those are BLACK ankle socks. With brown slip on shoes. BLACK. WITH BROWN. And khaki SHORTS with a green shirt! As you can see, he's not wearing a wedding band because no woman would marry someone who dresses like that and even if she did she would NEVER have let him leave the house like that."

How right she is. Black socks with Brown shoes? What next! I'm glad that someone is out there judging unsuspecting people on their fashion sense - otherwise how could we all keep on living? I for one am in complete agreement with Mo here, and believe the sooner we get an actual fashion police on the street armed with Tasers to deal with the poorly dressed, the better! After all, I myself am at the forefront of modern fashion trends:



Note how I don't look like a Douchebag Hipster at all? Blue jeans with a suit jacket; phone hanging down by headphone cable; not looking at camera; hair swept slightly to the side; black trainers; and a £4 shirt with a £60 watch? Yep, I don't look like a douche at all here...


The Homeless look is really "in" this season. It's this year's "Derelicte!"


I'm hoping this will replace the "Barney Rubble" as the summer's must-have style!


Scrolling down to Mo's next post, however, things started to go downhill. Not only did I realise that she was using very Manhunt-esque titles for her Blog sections, which is never a good idea (I discovered this when i started a blog called "Deliverance", and had about 10,000 people email me Hillbilly porn), but I also discovered how truly ignorant she is. You see: she was searching for the perfect cheeseburger.


I actually got so anaemic after eating that burger it turned me white. True story.

Now, I know this sounds harmless enough, but if this post tells me one thing about Mo, aside from the fact that she's a fat American (as opposed to a fat Brit, like myself), it's that she hasn't watched the Harold and Kumar films. Not only that, but she doesn't even seem to be familiar with the basic plot of the first movie - and she must therefore burn.


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!


So, I decided to give Mo just one more chance to prove she had what it takes to get a recommendation off me, when I was confronted with her post "Check in". It seems our American friend is taking diet pills in order to lose weight, and as a man who went from weighing 9 and a half stone to 16 stone in just a couple of years, I can sympathise.



Me circa Boxing Day 2007 @ 63kgs


Me circa 2 days ago at... I dunno... 100kg? 105kg? something like that.


Oh Wait - no I can't! Damn it, when will these fatties learn it's their own fault they're so big! Especially me! That's it, I've had enough of this Blog! What kind of a person thinks

"Ya know, I think deep down I was kind of hoping this medication would be some kind of miracle pill. That I would take it every day like a good girl and BOOM! the weight would just melt off of me."

even if it is just "deep down"? Get some exercise! Do some Heroin! What is it with you people and trying to take the easy way out? Don't you listen to Robert Tepper?


This isn't actually Robert Tepper, but his picture comes up when you search for "Robert Tepper" on Google images.

And just when I thought I couldn't dislike Mo any more, I clicked on one of her pictures, and was given the details of it she posted when uploading it. And guess what? This woman actually calls her iPhone a "jesus phone". No shit! A christian is idol worshipping an Apple telephone. THAT IS IT!!!!!




Mojangled:


*

1/5 stars


Good for teh lulz, but just too Damn American and too damn Banker-ish! If it were up to me, all Bankers would be buried alive in coffins with a fresh air supply coming in so they couldn't suffocate, and an IV drip feeding them fluids so they wouldn't die of thirst, and left to die of muscle wastage - which would hopefully take as much as a year for them to succumb to. And Mo's Blog doesn't give me any reason to leave her out of this cull! You know, except for comedic value... Afterall, she did have Bacon in her Bloody Mary! What a quirky woman!




Voice


When not insulting everyone on the planet whose existence he has any vague idea of, Voice writes about himself in the 3rd person like a douchebag at the bottom of his articles, and generally fails at life.

Search for the Most Beautiful Tweet... with Stephen Fry! Well, not really - but how else am I gonna get people to read this crap? (text)

So I hear that Stephen Fry is looking for “the most beautiful Tweet ever written”; which he intends to announce on the 6th July, for some reason. Being the helpful guy that I am, and knowing that Stephen Fry is best mates with my hero Hugh Laurie, and will possibly introduce us if I help him out, I decided to make life for Stephen a lot easier, and combed Twitter to find the most interesting and revealing Tweets that celebrities have uploaded over the past year that I could. I’ll let the results speak for themselves, but I’d be very surprised if one of these <140 character goldmines didn’t win the grand prize.



Alec Baldwin:

“Spent the afternoon at Rosie Arquette’s picnic. Was flirting with sister Alexi for well over an hour. Wish someone had told me shes a tranny”


James Woods:

“At poker game with Heather Graham. Just saw her using Blackberry. Tweeted she has a straight flush – time to fold! poker FAIL! Lololool”


Terry O’Quinn:

“People going crazy about Lost finale - Hope its raised profile enough we can make MillenniuM film. If Lance isn’t too busy doing Cody Banks”


Lance Henriksen @ Terry O’Quinn:

“Tezza, your Tweet makes it sound like Frankie Muniz and I are gay lovers. I know there’s a character limit, but still… p.s. Lost was sick!”


Russell Brand:

“Why is it people keep asking me if I realize Katy looks like a blowup doll? Hello – why do you think I started dating her in the 1st place?”


David Cameron:

“All this additional security is so unnecessary – I mean, who would want to kill me? The idea is absurd… I’m ordering my escort off. Toodles!”


Nick Clegg:

“Anyone here know where I can get Hydrogen Peroxide, Ammonium Sulphide, BBs and Polystyrene at short notice? Art project for the kids school…”


David Bowie:

“What’s with all the people saying Christina and Fergie stole Lady GaGa’s style? Its my fucking style! Young people should burn! Also I’m Bi.”


Steven Seagal:

“You believe they cut my scene out Expendables just cos I had sex slaves? Still, better than Snipes – they cut him out cos hes black. No Joke”


Wesley Snipes @ Sylvester Stallone:

“What the fuck do you mean you cut me out cos I’m a brother? How could you not have known that before filming started? Cracker-ass mothafucka”


Sylvester Stallone @ Dolph Lundgren:

“I think their onto us – they know we cut Wes out the film for being black – we cant keep our plan for a master race under wraps much longer!”


Dolph Lundgren @ Sylvester Stallone:

“Hey Sly, I think you meant to send that message to Arnold. No harm done, though – I’ll just link him. Also, it’s “They’re”. Regards. Dolph.”


Sylvester Stallone @ Dolph Lundgren:

“My bad, man. I’m sorry – it’s just all you Germans look alike to me. Maybe you should always stand on one side of another like Ant and Dec?”


Dolph Lundgren @ Sylvester Stallone:

“Arnold’s Austrian, and I’m Swedish. And what are you doing watching Ant and Dec, anyway?”


Sylvester Stallone @ Dolph Lundgren:

“Arnold isn’t Austrian. What are you talking about? I’ve never once heard him say “throw a couple shrimp on the Barbie” – He’s blates German!”


Jason Statham @ Sylvester Stallone:

“ **** FACEPALM **** ”


Justin Bieber @ Sylvester Stallone:

“What’s German? We don’t use that word in America.”


Dolph Lundgren @ Justin Bieber:

“ **** FACEPALM **** ”


Jay Z @ Justin Bieber:

“I got 99 problems and Justin Bieber ain’t one - cos hes a Bitch. How the fuck do you not know what German is? You never listen to Rammstein?”


RZA @ Jay Z:

“Dude, WTF?”


Miley Cyrus @ Justin Bieber:

“OMG! U r sooo dumb! That’s sooo cuuuutttteeee!!!!! <33333333333333 :)))) LOOOOVE YOU BIEBS!!!!! Hav u heard my new song? Its like OMGosh! <3


Sylvester Stallone @ Miley Cyrus:

“Miley, please don’t post comments like that on my wall. Stick to uploading half-naked pictures of yourself instead. We can all enjoy those!”


Miley Cyrus @ Sylvester Stallone:

“OMG! Sorry Sly! Totes 4t I was writing on Beebs’s wall – SOOOOOOO EMBARRASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <333333333333 LUV U SLY!!!!! <3333333333”


Dappy:

M8 IZ A GANGSTA FUCK DA PO-POS ELSE IZ GUN SHOOT DEM NIGGAZ WHUT! NDUBZ IZ PLAYIN BUTLINZ 2MORRA NITE B VER! REPPIN UP DA AFFENZ MASSIV BOI!


Voice From the Pillow @ Dappy:

“Why won’t you fucking Die already?”


Hugh Grant @ Alec Baldwin:

“Wow, wish I’d read your Tweet an hour ago, Alec… Boy, this is awkward…”


Seth MacFarlene @ Hugh Grant:

“Now you know how that guy who plays Ferris Bueller felt when he was on his Honeymoon with Sarah Jessica Parker!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!”


Hugh Grant @ Seth MacFarlene:

“I didn’t know John Cussack was married to Sarah Jessica Parker! How Quaint! Must remember that one for my Christmas card list! Thanks, Seth!


Mathew Brodderick @ Hugh Grant & Seth MacFarlene:

“Fuck you guys.”


Trey Parker @ Seth MacFarlene:

“Find some new material you talentless dick! Sarah Jessica Parker is amazing! She used to date Robert Downey, jr - Something you’ll never do!”


Matt Stone @ Trey Parker:

“Dude, WTF?”


Robert Downey, jr. @ Trey Parker:

“ **** FACEPALM **** ”


Jude Law @ Robert Downey, jr.:

“Uh, Robert – adding a Facepalm after that comment makes it looks as though Trey’s comment was dumb because you ARE seeing Seth MacFarlene…”


Robert Downey, jr. @ Jude Law:

“…”


Jude Law @ Robert Downey, jr:

“How Could You?!?!?!”


Joseph Fiennes @ Jude Law:

How could YOU!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!”


Jude Law @ Joseph Fiennes:

“It told you Joseph! Its over between us! Has been for some time now! You need to move on! John loves you, why cant you love him as deserves?”


John Cho @ Joseph Fiennes:

“HOW COULD YOU!?!??! I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL! BUT NOW I SEE ALL YOU WANT IS JUDE! ALL YOU’VE EVER WANTED IS JUDE! I’M LEAVING YOU!”


Kal Penn @ John Cho:

“You didnt need that Bastard anyway, John! You’re too good for him! You deserve someone better! Someone caring! Someone Warm! Someone Indian?”


Voice From the Pillow:

“Are there any celebrities on here who aren’t gay? Other than Bowie.”


Stephen Fry @ Voice From the Pillow:

“Stupid question. Why do you think I’ve become known as the great British pioneer of this site? It’s just a more subtle version of Gaydar…”


Alan Davies @ Stephen Fry:

“Really? Must not have got that memo…”


Stephen Fry @ Alan Davies:

“Don’t pretend, Alan! Stop denying what you truly are to the world!”


Alan Davies @ Stephen Fry:

“Jewish?”


Stephen Fry @ Alan Davies:

“Well played, sir…”


Samantha Cameron @ Voice From the Pillow

“David isn’t gay…”


David Cameron @ Samantha Cameron:

"Uh... Honey? We need to talk..."


Elton John @ David Cameron:

"Uh-oh! Busted!"


Samantha Cameron @ David Cameron:

"Wait! This could still be a good thing! Imagine how famous I'll become - being the wife of the first ever gay prime minister!"


Benjamin Disraeli @ Samantha Cameron:

"Yeah, about that..."


Mark Thatcher @ Benjamin Disraeli:

"Aren't you dead?"


Benjamin Disraeli @ Mark Thatcher:

"Aren't you a douchebag?"


William Gladstone @ Benjamin Disraeli:

"Well played, Benny!"


Nick Clegg

"Hey guys, forget my last post - now I need to know how to hook up a radio detonator to a mobile phone. Sciene fair project..."


Dappy @ Nick Clegg

M8 I NO DAT SHIT COS IZ GANG$TA! TXT ME, YE? IZ GUNA SHOW U ALL DAT SHIT BRA!


Nick Clegg @ Dappy:

Fuck off, retard.


Voice From the Pillow @ Nick Clegg:

"Oh man, now you're making me feel bad I didn't vote for you..."


Nick Clegg @ Voice From the Pillow:

"Don't worry, Voice - I'm sure my time as Prime Minister will come soon enough... ;) "


David Cameron:

Ooh! Someone's left a new radio in my office! Smells a bit like hydrogen peroxide. May phone security on my mobile to check it over. JIC."





There you have it - a day in the life of Twitter! And you have no idea how hard it was getting all of these shorter than 140 characters! For the people who wrote them, I mean. I just found them...


Voice

Election Result Live Blogging

Well, I decided to try and LievBlog the election tonight. Ed was unavailable, because being the tard he is, never has his phone on, and almost everyone else I know has too much of a life to do something so dull. Except Toby - The Scottish Powerlifting Monster - who is joining me. So, enjoy as we offer our perspectives on the counting of the Ballotts!



Voice 22:46 - who are all these people in the background counting the votes? Are they just random people who volunteer to come in and count the votes? I remember when my brother was running in our school elections, and his class were counting the votes - they cheated like anything, and got his party to win, when on figures they lost! Could happen here, too...


Voice 22:47 - Ha! That's my constituency back home! Adrian Sanders - I know that guy... Well, I say KNOW, ifI actually knew him, I probably would have vote for him!


Voice 22:53, Houghton and Sunderland - 19,000 votes to Labour vs Tories 8,000? Damn, that's a big victory! I had no idea this many people voted in each constituency! And She's down 10%??? INSANE!


Toby 22:54 - why are they cheering so much, it was obvious that labour where gonna win sunderland - its the north...


Voice 22:57 - 55% Turnout is LOW? My God, I thought only about 20% of people voted - guess I'm in the minority...


Toby 22:58 - You didn't Vote?


Voice 22:58 - nope


Toby 22:58 - lol


Voice 22:59 - Who did you vote for?


Toby 22:59 - lib dems(go ahead, throw your vote away). they are doing better than i expected tbh


Voice 23:00 - fair enough. I did consider voting, but couldn't be bothered in the end
all as bad as each other, really...


Toby 23:01 - yeah I voted for clegg because he kinda has a chance of doing something and he isnt gordon brown or david cameron.


Toby 23:02 - You watching on BBC parliament, or on real TV?


Voice 23:02 - iPlayer


Toby 23:03 - a whole fucking vote counted allready

live GLASGOW

fuck yeah

dat clyde


Toby 23:04 - the glasgow central MP is a muslim -first MP to swear his oath by the quaran and shit, and theres loads of muslims here, and they are the kinda people who ALL vote. and they wont even read the fucking things, just vote for a muslim


Voice 23:05 - huh, i'd never realised there were muslims in glasgow - i figured it was like devon...


Toby 23:05 - tehres a big mosque and shit man - they are everywhere


Voice 23:06 no hung parliament, huh? well, he is from oxford - obviously gonna go on about how great tories are


Toby 23:07 - ?


was getting pizza


Voice 23:07 - oh, just some Oxford professor dude saying tories will win at this rate


Toby 23:08 - they wont win -they will get the most seats, but not a big enough majority.


Toby 23:08 - *imo


Toby 23:09 - i like the way that the "greenest" constituancy in the UK is a lib dem one currently and not green party


Voice 23:10 - lol! That's fantastic!


Toby 23:10 - its teignbridge btw - at least it was last year. they had the highest rate of recycling of any in the country lool


Voice 23:10 - really? With that many chavs in Plainmoor?


Toby 23:11 - lol - they had a fucking huge thing about it, fineing people. Are you in teignbridge at home or the next one on, south hams? maybe? fuck knows...


Voice 23:11 - i'm in teignbridge, yeah


Toby 23:12 - apparently there was a white car driving around town all day with the BNP logo on the side playing rule britannia


Voice 23:12 - LMAO!!! Epic


Voice 23:12 - that bitch is so fucking sexist! I should slap her


Toby 23:13 - some old woman gave me a green party flier when i was in the polling station.


Toby 23:14 - our quote of the week was one flamtate taking the piss out of the other
- "mark knows so little about politics that he thinks gordon brown is a shade of paint".


Voice 23:14 - lol


Toby 23:15 - fuck yeah!
someone who knows what he is talking about


Voice 23:15 - Ian Hislop? Legend!


Toby 23:16 - haha fuck yeah! he got her telt.
Dom joly! the fuck?
john cleese voted lib dem, therefore it is the right choice. fucking love dom joly -why is he here?


Voice 23:16 - the fuck was that? Just cut out.


Toby 23:17 - he mentioned the old lib dem leader, so got cut off. simple as lol


Toby 23:17 - i am quite impressed, the only people who actually asked me to vote for them on the street where the green party - and i live in a fucking city centre...


Voice 23:18 - whoa! Dominoes! They should play bones to decide who is the next PM


Toby 23:19 - wow we know about that CGI - that green screen


Voice 23:19 - lol, they sure do...


Toby 23:20 - best party on my ballot paper was the pirate party - havent even fucking heard of them man


Voice 23:20 - I saw their page on Facebook. Don't really know what they stand for. Plundering, I guess... and parrots.


Voice 23:21 - 2:30? Fuck, this is gonna be a long night!

Toby 23:22 - they want to stop interent stuff like let people download everything freely and shit, but they have other policies - they will never become anything man

Voice 23:23 - what do you expect, they're called the 'Pirate Party'.

Toby 23:23 - you know like
*ffs i forgot what i was thinking
*yeah
*the BNP manifesto - the word count breakdown is hillarious

Voice 23:23 - let's hear it.

Toby 23:24 - trying to find it...

Toby 23:24 - http://www.vote-no-to-bnp.org.uk/2010/04/bnp-2010-general-election-manifesto-keywords.html?wpmp_switcher=mobile

Voice 23:25 - lol! Epic!

Voice 23:25 - Ooh! A sit in?

Toby 23:26 - the fuck is a sit in? sounds like peaceful protest to me

Voice 23:26 - Labour again - obviosuly! still in sunderland...

Toby 23:27 - she looks like a fuckin ewok or something

Toby 23:27 - haha! BNP get boo'd!

Toby 23:28 - labour are obviously gonna win the north east - they allways fuckin do...

Voice 23:29 - David Cameron requires a Huge swing, huh?
"This is the largest Swing we're seen since 1945".
What's with all the cock references?

Toby 23:30 - lol - swing is bullshit anyway man. who cares what the swing is?conservitive didnt win the seat, so why bother with it?

Voice 23:30 - reporters trying to fill the time before results are released...


Toby 23:31 - yeah
*what was that bitch called that iddnt shut up
*and is annoying as fuck


Voice 23:31 - i dunno. more description, please!

Sarah Palin?


Toby 23:32 - the one ian hislop talked over

Voice 23:32 - I don't recall...

Voice 23:34 - dude won't shut up, lol

Toby 23:36 - if people voted for who they actually wanted to
*lib dems would do better
*loads of people i know are voteing conservative becuase they wanted change but lib dems didnt stand a chance of winning
*loads of people have that view, meaning lib dems get fucked and conservatives get boosted up...

Voice 23:36 - yeah, but to be fair, they were never going to win anyway

Toby 23:37 - yeah but if everyone thinks that they will never go nywherem, wheras if people vote for them, more and more will eventually when they realise that conservatives are retards too

Voice 23:37 - lol, but that will take about 5 elections for people to cotton on - maybe this is the first one, and will lead the way for future elections...

Toby 23:38 - yeah, but thats how it works

Voice 23:39 - this chick seems to think tories have a chance in sunderland central

Toby 23:39 - lol fuck off- they have the other sunderland ones, whats gonna change it here?

Voice 23:39 - lol - cut that bitch off too! shoulda shut her mouth!

Toby 23:40 - bitch got cut off

Toby 23:42 - lol thats not bad - lol ukip!
*woah

Voice 23:42 - closer than the others

Toby 23:43 - yeah... lib dems did well there.
*i heard 20,000 not 12,000 at first

Voice 23:43 - they wish!

Toby 23:44 - oh i bet she was

Voice 23:44 - I dunno, 1,900 people voting BNP is still quite a lot

Toby 23:45 - yeah.
So if conservatives "win", but its a hung parlament, david cameron becomes PM, but doesnt have majority in house of commons?

Voice 23:46 - i believe that's the case, yes

Toby 23:47 - "a selection of people" is bullshit...

Voice 23:48 - fuck does harriot harmon know about if they have a legitimate legal challenge?that's up to the courts, surely.

Toby 23:48 - someone told her in her in her ear piece

Voice 23:48 - should have got there earlier if it meant so much to them...

Toby 23:49 - yeah, i went at like 2. me and my flamtates where only people apart from one other guy who was leaving as we went in.

Toby 23:49 - ukip... hes not gonna win it anyway

Voice 23:50 - lol - Dimbleby just dissed Griffin! Whoooaaa!!!!

Toby 23:50 - BNP need a new slogan man
"racist"
lol
yeah BNP should change their slogan to "If they're black, send em back" - for comedy value...

Toby 23:51 - fucking students

Voice 23:52 - lol, that guy sounded like Richard hammond...

Toby 23:52 - this is hillarious

Voice 23:53 - the plane crash? you're a sick man, my friend...

Toby 23:53 - its still hillarious - not that it was a plane crash, that it happened when he was pulling a UKIP banner behind it

Toby 23:55 - he has it right man - too early to say, so stop doing it

Voice 23:56 - oh, diss! Pull out Milliband just when he's bitching about labour!

Toby 23:57 - this program needs more thatcher

Voice 23:57 - lol, more mark thatcher, trying to spark a revolution in central sunderland...

Toby 23:58 - should bring ian hislop back on
*think he got thrown out

Voice 23:58 - LMAO! I bet he did
*he's always being sued...

Toby 23:58 - becuase he says what he actually thinks. yeah


Voice 23:59 - doubt there'll be a difference of less than 600, tbh

Toby 23:59 - i bet john smith was on the list man

Voice 00:00 - he musta been pissed off dimbleby just told everyone he didn't vote...

Toby 00:00 - lol

Voice 00:00 - it's a new day, man! No way those mofos can vote now!

Toby 00:01 - lol

Voice 00:02 - last couple of days isn't really enough in my books - look at the preceding 3 years, people!

Toby 00:03 - good old herbert

Voice 00:04 - John Major!!!! lol!!!!

Toby 00:05 - it doesnt fucking matter who wins - if they dont reform the house of lords

Voice 00:05 - i dunno, house of lords has less power than it used to - it can no longer block bills, only delay them.

Toby 00:06 - Still, people should be elected to run the country in any way.

Voice 00:07 - an elected queen is an amusing concept. I like your style, man

Toby 00:07 - neh, not that - because she has like NO power

Voice 00:07 - NO real power, no, but all the theoretical power in the world

Toby 00:08 - theoretical power is useless - and shes german

Voice 00:08 - i'm part german you bastard!

Toby 00:09 - i didnt say it was a bad thing man
*(i hinted)

Toby 00:10 - then she should've stayed in the queue at 6, stupid bitch

Voice 00:10 - yeah, true that. people are so fucking impatient, then bitch too much over nothing

Toby 00:10 - if it means THAT much to them, then queue for it

Voice 00:11 - lol - i would laugh if cameron won the general election, but lost his own seat

Toby 00:12 - lol
arent there local electiosn going on too, on a differnet ballot paper?
*so like labour could win local, but conservatives overall or some stupid shit
*in theory

Voice 00:12 - David Starkey! I remember reading his stuff in A level history - think he teaches at Exeter...

Toby 00:13 - joan collins... shes like fucking plastic

Toby 00:14 - obviously shes fucking happy
*PROTECT HER MILLIONS

Voice 00:15 - ARMANDO IANNUCCI!!!!!

I LOVE THAT FUCKING GUY!

In the Loop was awesome

Toby 00:16 - lol

Voice 00:16 - Have you seen it?

Voice 00:16 - a presidential look?

he's not running for fucking president!

Toby 00:17 - dude, she should fuck off
*and guard her gold

Toby 00:17 - fuck yeah jeremy paxman! did you watch his gordon brown interview?
*was hillarious

Voice 00:17 - 'fraid i didn't, no

Toby 00:18 - so... what? gordon brown stays in?
*what
*i am confused now

Voice 00:19 - I dunno. I'm hoping they all just get blown up...

Voice 00:19 - I hope they bring Boris Johnson on soon...

Voice 00:22 - lol, they're still ranting about the exit poll...

Voice 00:26 - I love how they're commenting on Twitter at the moment - READ THIS QUOTE MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!

Voice 00:27 - Buckinghamshire vote coming soon, is it? Nope, not seen the Dolphin campaign. "you may have seen this"? It's a local fucking seat! No-one outside of Buckinghamshire's seen it!

Voice 00:30 - Leader of the greens? Had to be standing in Brighton, really...

Voice 00:31 - If people I'd promised I would vote for called me to make me go out, I would intentionally vote against them! Actually, I probably wouldn't have voted anyway...

Voice 00:32 - Cameron stopping off in a pub? Getting ready for when he takes over as PM, and realises how awful his inheritance is...

Voice 00:34 – The Queen isn’t seeing anyone until after lunch? Are the results all going to be in by then?

Voice 00:37 – Man, Dimbleby’s got a hard-on for these constituencies without enough Ballot papers, hasn’t he?

I think Toby’s gone...

00:40 – Dimbleby’s microphone’s broken – he sounds like “Big Brother” – watching us all...

00:41 – 5 declerations now! Oh, but it’s Ireland, and Sinn Fein have one. Well, not gonna affect me – not as if they could ever get into power over here.

Toby 00:41 - was away for a while. yeah bring on boris

00:42 - I noticed. Are you listening to this cunt?
fuck her - I'd like to see her do that job

Toby 00:42 – “SHOULD HAVE HAD MORE PREPAIRED”

Voice 00:43 – I can see that “Here, Here” being parodied by John Stewart...

Toby 00:44 - who won 4th seat?

Voice 00:44 – Sinn Fein – Ireland

Toby 00:45 – Thought they were 5th – or was that 4th and 5th?

Voice 00:46 - dunno, was probably getting water/taking piss

Toby 00:46 – Damn, I thought he was gonna say Thatcher

Voice 00:47 – lol, fascist/Thatcher – same thing.

Voice 00:48 - Lib Dems want to keep Brown in a Hung Parliament? You What?

Toby 00:48 - prefer brown to Cameron

Voice 00:48 - FUCK ME! I wish they wouldn’t cough straight into the microphones!

Voice 00:50 - I missed who won - my computer's crashing loads and glitching... I can't even watch any more, I just have audio now.

Voice 00:52 - lib dem allied party won the one in Ireland

Voice 00:52 – quote of the hour: “Gordon’s not Televisual”

Toby 00:53 - lol

Voice 00:54 - Eddie Izzard ban burgers? He's fatter than I am! even after his 40-odd marathons...

Toby 00:55 – lol

Toby 00:55 – seriously, this guy – “they dont have over 50%, but if you add the other 2 major parties together, they do”

Voice 00:55 - lol - now that's a slightly retarded comment. I think he's just saying we're looking at a hung parliament.
Toby 00:56 - yeah lol
*south Yorkshire? on the map that was fucking Oxfordshire!

Voice 00:57 - LMAO!

Toby 00:57 – lol he is Irish

Voice 00:58 – what’s with this Irish bomb threat, anyway? I thought it was only Muslims trying to blow us up nowadays?

Voice 00:59 - Bloody Swing again!

Voice 00:59 - Wow, Cameron wasn’t in the pub long, was he? Just there for appearances, I suppose...

Toby 01:00 – lol – if he didn’t have a pint he is a faggot - and if he had a half, its worse than having nothing at all

Voice 01:01 - lol, i used to have halfs quite a bit, back in the day

Toby 01:01 – only excuse is if you have to drive

Voice 01:02 – which I always did ;)

Voice 01:02 - reckon the Tories will get ANY of those scottish seats they're after?

Voice – 01:03 – fucking bankers.

Toby 01:03 – 1 or 2. lib dems seem bigger up here

Voice 01:03 – Whoaaa!!!!! Conservatives won a seat! And he thanked U2!

Toby 01:04 - lol
*SWING!

Voice 01:05 - i liked how he also thanked the polling officer - reckon he bribed him for a majority...

Voice 01:06 - I miss being able to watch the compute graphics :( I can hear them coming up, but i can't see them!

Voice 01:07 - why is Baslidon so Iconic? am I missing something?

Toby 01:08 - was away
*making some pizza

Voice 01:08 – I want pizza :(

Toby 01:08 - mini microwave pizza - they are nice and cook fast as fuck

Toby 01:09 – haha "your poll is rubbish"
*fuck yeah Torbay!

Voice 01:10 - FUCK YEAH!

Toby 01:10 - lol under 500 votes!! That’s poor...

Voice 01:10 - stupid BNP - racists will never vote for a woman, they're all sexist, too.

Toby 01:11 lib dems have that then
*65% turnout - thats impressive

Voice 01:11 - 36 rejected? Wonder why?

Toby 01:12 - one had 120 rejected
if its not a clear X on what you want its rejected, or if its a circle or some shit then its rejected. big thing in our polling station. or if its not clearly in a box, or more than one - shit like that.

*there are some retards around...

Voice 01:15 – and another Tory seat...

Toby 01:17 - that was like a 15k majority lol
*ah, 14,300

Toby 01:18 – that’s one big swingometer

Voice 01:18 – I can’t see it!!!! :(

Toby 01:18 - its a big green screened thing
*lol - did he just say charley murphey?

Voice 01:18 – Probably. Ok, I’m gonna restart the Brower. Keep me informed.

Toby 01:20 – k - labour currently have 10, conservatives 4, lib dem 2, 7 random other shite

Toby 01:23 - come on, hope gordon brown looses his one! he wont but it will be hilarious

Voice 01:23 - is it his seat?

Toby 01:23 – Kirkcaldy

Voice 01:23 – that would make my day...

Toby 01:24 - its just showing him walking around

Toby 01:26 - wales result
*labour

Toby 01:26 - and another

Toby 01:27 -and another for the random welsh one

Voice 01:27 – Plaid Cymru?

Toby 01:28 – Yeah. Isn’t that just the welsh version of the SNP?

Voice 01:28 – I believe so, yes.

Toby 01:29 - SNP is weird - they get in, what do they do - make scotland an independant country
*then they are governing a country that isnt their own
Also if scotland became properly independant, they would be fucked

Voice 01:30 – yeah, it is kinda odd...

Toby 01:30 - obviously only people in scotland can vote for them
*so...

Toby 01:31 - lib dems keep fife

Toby 01:31 - duhram
*labour keep it, lib dems second
*not working yet?

Voice 01:31 – nope, I told you – it’ll take about 10 minutes

Toby 01:32 - wait, they changed their mind. they misread that shit, waiting for them to talk...

Toby 01:33
labour have had it since the 40's or some shit.
*labour 20,000
*UKIP 850
Meh - they stopped half way through to go to Kirkcaldy.
*UKIP 760
*Gordon brown 29,500
*SNP 6000
*land is power - 57
*2 independant guys with 150
*lib dems 4500
*conservatives 4200
*lol

Voice 01:34 - who are land is power?

Toby 01:35 - fuck knows. local party... there where like 2 independant ones too.

Voice 01:36 – I don’t think this is going to work. I may just give up... I’m going to try and get Freewire up.

Toby 01:37 - gordon brown wont shut up
*fucking... still going!
Labour got 19 now.
STILL TALKING!
Holy
Fucking
5 mins or so now

Voice 01:39 – YES! Got Freewire working! Just as Gordon Brown finished his speech!

Toby 01:39 – nice. He was going on for ages.
*obv they all do it, but the party leaders wont get cut off.

Voice 01:42 - Internet just started working – MSN lists labour at 10, conservatives at 4. I thought you said labour had 19? I would check myself, but I only have the “change” stats up...

Toby 01:42 - there are loads more coming in, but they dont care.

*labour have 21
*conservatives 5
*lib dem 4

Voice 01:42 – fucking MSN.

Toby 01:43 - they are talking shit when votes are coming in - this is pissing me off!

*22/9 now

Toby 01:44 - lol tooting. Yours working yet?

Voice 01:45 - yeah, it is thanks. Got to see the swing graph

Toby 01:45 - 24/9 now

Toby 01:46 – haha - the christian party!

Voice 01:46 - LMAO!!!! Yes we Khan! Yes we Khan! Retards...

Toby 01:47 - 69% turnout - holy shit!

Toby 01:48 – tooting – shit’s hillarious

Voice 01:48 - I concur.
it MAY be because of the minority vote?

Toby 01:49 - neh
well to an extent. obvi they get the minority vote becasue they always vote for people from their own minority community no matter what their policies are
*completely blindly

Voice 01:50 – How racist of them.

Voice 01:53 – 57 declarations in now? Impressive. Only 593 to go!

Voice 01:56 - 30/14/4/11. Interesting. And the pound is up a Cent against the Dollar! Woooooo!

Voice 01:58 – lol – graphics confusion! Bilberry Gwent (or whatever) is apparently Newbury! 2nd time that’s happened – I bet the animators are just screwing with Dimbleby...

Voice 01:59 - The Tories are performing worse in Wales and Scottland? Never! Lol – who hires these guys?

Voice 02:00 - Kirstie Allsop’s such a posh slut – I’d do her. That's a reference to the sexism and racism thing before, btw. Don't sue me! But I totally would...
And the dude from “in the loop!” awesome! And Shapi Korsandi‘s there – wow, three people I actually recognise!

Toby 2:02 – lol – ALBATROSS!

Voice 02:02 - Nick Clegg’s nose looks like a penis in that picture.

Voice 02:03 – EXETER!!!!!! WOOOO!!!!

Toby 02:04 - its amazing how the vote changes so much between exeter and Torbay

Voice 02:04 - yeah, I know. Bizarre

Voice 02:04 – Well, you can’t beat a gay guy in Exeter. It’s the Brighton of Devon.

Toby 02:05 - there was conservative things ALL OVER Exeter
*like – EVERYWHERE!

Voice 02:06 – well, if it was guaranteed, they wouldn’t need such aggressive campaigning, would they?

Toby 02:07 - fair point
*SWING

Voice 02:09 - I keep expecting them to shout “Free Bird!” the way they’re all cheering like a crowd at a rock show.

Toby 02:10 – lol - someone did that when i went to see stephen lynch

Toby 02:10 – Loughborough – Fuck Yeah!

Voice 02:14 - “How many times have we heard that?” – too true, my son.

Voice 02:16 - Recount in Broxtowe! Ha! Recounts are for squares – just roll with the first answer regardless!

Voice 02:24 – DAAAAAAAMMMN! Lembit Opik just got Prawned! Girl on the left looked alright.


Voice 02:25 You’re right, Dimbleby – very confusing. And late – I think I’m gonna call it a night, everyone (seen Toby seems to have left some time ago)! Have a good night – and I hope whoever you voted for gets in. Unless they’re cock. Which they are, because they’re politicians. Later, dudes!

Going Viral (Video!!!)

Ever since I began devoting most of my spare time to the internet (just over 2 years ago now, when an old school friend introduced me to The Spoony Experiment, shortly after which my older brother introduced me to Cracked.com), I've been reading about videos "going viral". Apparently, people make videos they know will get a lot of hits in order to advertise their websites. "Great!" I thought to myself "if I create a video that goes viral, I'll be guaranteed to get more hits on my Blog!". And with that, I began what has become one of the most gruelling endurance tasks of my life (and I've had sex with a catholic): I set out to create my very own VIRAL VIDEO! Cue suspenseful music.



"Now THAT'S what I call suspenseful music!" - Michael Bay.


The easiest way of ensuring a video goes viral, of course, is to feature a cute animal in it. However, my attempts to achieve viral status through uploading videos of my dog have, so far, been futile.



Whilst I was certain I was onto a winner with this video, I was sadly mistaken. You see, I thought people would find a video of a collie in the snow cute. Instead, I received the following comments:

"OMG! Thats so cruel! You shouldnt hav made her stand in the snow like that!" - Janis88XO

"I agree wiv Janis. Ur Sick" - PedoBear69

"Wow, ur voice is gay wen ur talkin 2 ur dog. Fagzoar" - Fred4Eva731

"@Fred - LMAO! Ur rite! wat a superfag!" - LucyButler69

"Ur Dad iz proper fit" - Gary


Obviously, I was not pleased with this. After all, I thought I was onto a winner with this one, and instead I got called both a "Fagzoar" AND a "Superfag". In light of this, I decided to try something different. People often try and tie their videos in with a popular TV show or movie in order to get views from people who are searching for said movie/show. In light of this, I decided I would film a parody trailer for a popular show, using lines from a popular film, and tag both. How could it possibly go wrong?




Alas, go wrong it did. Here are the comments:

"WTF? Wilson isnt a football! STFU fag!" - CastawayFan04

"lol - thats not how you play bass! tard..." - Bassmasta92

"OMFG! Ur sooooo not as fit as Hugh Laurie!" - AmsSchwarz

"wow - wat a pile of wank" - KanyeFan01


This was starting to try my patience now - not only was I not receiving very positive comments, but I wasn't getting many views, either. In fact, between the two videos, I had a grand total of 37 views. This called for drastic action. I was going to have to do something I never wanted to do when I was starting out in the internet writing business... I was going to have to give the people what they wanted:




Unfortunately, not even this drastic video went viral, and I got the following comments:

"Meh." - CFrench88

"How Small are your ARMS???????? OMG! Go to the gym u spaztard!" - Coach111

"And work on your pecs whilst you're at it!" - Gorilla340

"pfff... your traps are like speed humps. i got a couple of BUSSES on either side of MY NECK! Mwaaaaaaarrrrgh!!!!" - TheDurkenator08

"Dude! U REALLY need 2 wurk on ur delts! they're soooooo small!" - CarrottTopFan

"It's ok, dude, don't listen to those other guys - I'm watching, and I think you're looking yolked. What's German, btw?" - JustinBieber


and only 15 views to boot. I was getting desperate, I needed to make a viral video to become famous! But I couldn't think of anything. Just as I was about to give up and hang myself by my belt using the doorhandle, however, it occurred to me that the elections were today, and this meant people would be searching the web to see if their favourite politician had won or not. Seeing my opportunity, I took it; and created what will surely become the greatest viral video hit of all time!



Watch this space...



Voice

P.S. before anyone actually mentions it: No, that is NOT how you play bass. However, as you can no doubt tell from the shorter hair and the fact I weigh about 2 stone less (and the fact it's advertising season 5 of House, despite the fact that Season 6 is on at the moment), that video was actually shot a little while ago, before I had learnt to play. Thanks for noticing, though. Way to bring me down...